-1Chapter 4
Sorting
You may not think I'm pretty;
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll give you a slap you scandalous brat,
Or I'll set my hounds a-free.
Oh and I'll even eat myself! If you can find,
A better hat than me!
There is nothing in your head,
The sorting hat cannot see,
That boy you thought was super fit,
Or porn on BBC!
So try me on and I will see,
Where your meant to be.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the "out of mind"
Their daring suicide and chivalry,
Is in Gryffindor you'll find.
You might belong in hufflepuff,
Who have no real special ways,
Those thick headed Hufflepuffs are true,
And unaware of days!
Or yet in wise old raven claw,
"Boffin" comes to mind.
Where those of wit and learning,
Swot up their massive minds.
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You will make your real friends.
Those twisted turds use any means,
To achieve their ends.
So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And don't you go and cry!
You're in safe hands (though I have none.)
For I'm a bloody rude guy!
The small first years stood in shock as the sorting hat turned sound. Thank goodness! thought Harry, after all, he only had an innocent mind. Professor McGonagall (they had been introduced earlier.) Was blushing and coughed embarrassedly.
"Right, now. I will call your names. Once you hear your name, you will come over and sit and secure the hat OVER your head."
"HERMIONE GRANGER!"
A bushy haired girl that resembled a porcupine stepped nervously onto the stool. The hat started up once more. Harry cringed for the poor girl.
"Riiiight…. -hmmm - big brain….yerse… BOFF! Hehe, so witty of me… No, I think, GRYFFINDOR!"
A raucous applause followed, and a few minutes later, Ron, Parvarti, Lavender, Goyle, Crabb, and Draco (who was goaded a thoughtless turd before being catapulted to the Slytherin table.) had been sorted.
"HARRY POTTER!"
Harry's knees buckled underneath him.
Oh god… Oh help… Oh rats…
He sat nervously on the stool, securing the hat over his head. He waited.
Nothing Happened.
"Er… excuse me…? Mr Hat?"
"NO WAY BILLY! "THAT" IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! YOU DI…" Came the sudden scream. There was a moment of stunned silence, then out came a raucous laugh.
"Oh! So sorry… - must have dozed off. Riiight… you…."
Another silence…
"Er… so where do I belong?"
"Well, all of them really. You have absolutely dim-witted tendencies, and yet you have quite a brain, just too lazy to use it. Then your VERY crazy - but you do have a talent for the drak arts…"
"Why you son of a…" Harry didn't finish.
"What! I only speak the truth!"
"You put me in Gryffindor… RIGHT NOW!"
"Oooh! Hard nut! Whatcha gonna do about me then, eh?"
"You just wait, I'll stitch your ugly face up!"
"OO-HOO-HOO! I'M SHAKING…"
"RIGHT NOW YOU #?L "
"Oh ooook…. HUFFLEPUFF!"
"YOU MOT…."
"GO MR POTTER!" Shouted Mrs McGonagall angrily whilst Hufflepuff cheered, and the hat giggled.
"No… I was only joking…. No bring him back… No - really…"