Final Decision
""Look," he said, and slid his arm around my waist, pulling me close against him. "You've got to trust me, okay?""
""I know,"" I said, and it was easy to believe him as we lay there in the winter darkness, him kissing my forehead, my bare feet entwined with his. It was all felt good, real good, and this is what people did; all people, except me. I felt closer than ever to telling him I loved him, but I bit it back. I was scared. He had to say it first, and I willed him to.
I thought it hard in my head as he kissed me. Kissing him felt so good and I closed my eyes, feeling his skin warn against mine, breathing him in. his hand crept down to my waist band.
'I love you, I love you'.
But I didn't hear it, just like I always hadn't. I pushed his hand back, trying to keep kissing him, but he pulled away, shaking his head.
""What?"" I said, but I knew.
""Is it me?" he asked. "I mean, is it just you don't want to do it with me?""
""No," I said. "Of course not. It's just - it's a big deal to me.""
""You said you were thinking about it.""
""I am." Every damn second, I thought. "I am Draco.""
He sat back, his hands still around my waist. ""What happened with Ginny," he said confidently, "that's like, an impossibility. We'll be careful.""
""It's not about that.""
He was watching me. ""Then what is it about?""
""It's about me," I told him, and by the way he shifted, looking out the window, I could tell that wasn't the right answer. "It's just the way I am.""
We had come to the same place we always did, a place I knew well. Just standing across the battle line, eye to eye, no farther than where we'd started. A draw.
On Christmas Eve, Draco came by to give me my present.
It was a ring, sliver and thick, that looked like nothing I would have picked out for myself. But when I put it on, I looked just right. ""Wow," I said, holding up my right hand. "It's beautiful.""
""Yea. I knew it would be."" he already got his present; sunglasses; I wasn't good at keeping secrets. He'd convinced me to give him his present the day I got it, begging and pleading like a little kid. They were only half of his present, but he didn't know that yet.
He kissed me again, as he left. ""Draco.""
""What?"" he was half out the door, half in.
""What are you doing for New Year's?""
""I don't know yet. Why?""
""Because I want to spend it with you," I said. Even as I said it I hoped he understood what I was saying, how big this was. What I was giving him. "Okay?""
He stood there, watching my face, and then he nodded.
""Okay. It's a plan.""
""Merry Christmas,"" I said again as he left.
""Merry Christmas,"" he called out, then rounded the corner.
I'd made my decision. And now I had to stick to it.