Envy's Bedtime Stories
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anything else here, but I gave Wrath the nightlight for his birthday.
"I'll take care of this one, Envy," said Pride, "I'll show you not to make me some stingy guy…"
"What was that last part?" asked Envy.
"…nothing," said Pride.
"Oh, good then – go ahead!"
'Envy Green and the Seven Sins
Once upon a time there lived a prince named Envy Green. He had been named this due to his mother's envy of the other parents in the maternity ward whose babies looked normal. She abandoned him at an early age due to his specific taste in clothes and girly voice.
"What a loser!" said Envy, "but wasn't this story supposed to have been about one of us? OH LET ME GUESS! It's Greed, right?"
"Uh, yeah sure it is…" said Pride, his magical eyes shifting.
"HEY!" yelled Greed.
So anyway, his father remarried a while later. The new queen was an evil witch though, and she didn't even like flowers. HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE FLOWERS! But yeah, she was a crazy one, but her beauty was renowned across the world. Her most prized possession was an antique mirror. She would say to it, "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?" and of course, as it was a mirror, she saw her own reflection. "Damn I love this…"
One day, as prince Envy Green was playing baseball, a ball of some sort, possibly a baseball, flew through the open window and smashed the queen's beloved mirror. She wept for days and nights but then House was on and she forgot all about it. When it was over though, she remembered. So the king took her to IKEA to buy a new one. She chose the biggest one they had, unaware that it was actually cursed. Luckily, the salesman filled her in, explaining that the only way to get rid of the curse would be to buy the whole bed-package. This, however, was really all a scheme to get more sales though – the humanity!
When the queen took the mirror home, she asked it that same question. "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?"
"I'm not on the wall, dumbass!" said the mirror.
"Oh right – sorry," said the queen, hanging the mirror on the wall. "Hey wait! You can talk? And more importantly, you were too light to have been an antique…"
"No one ever said I was an antique – sheesh! Do you have to be antique to be a cursed talking mirror these days? What has the world come to?" whined the cursed talking mirror.
"Will you just answer my question? Who is the prettiest of them all?" she demanded.
"How the hell would I know? You just expect me to know who is the prettiest of them all without even considering that the only people I've even seen were IKEA customers?" The mirror was getting somewhat grumpy.
"Gee, I suppose I never thought about that…I'm sorry talking mirror," said the queen.
"That's okay, because it just so happens that my curs-ed-ness DOES let me just know the answer. It's Envy Green."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"
The queen jumped at the unsuspecting Envy Green with a chainsaw but he managed to escape as the queen had come so far from the power outlet that the power plug for the chainsaw came out of the socket. He ran into the forest to hang out until the queen chilled out or got distracted by some sort of soap opera.
It didn't take long for the squirrels to come out to hunt down their prey. Envy Green ran for his life. He had tried befriending the animals of the forest but although it was working, he got sick of it pretty quickly and gave up. He hid in a little cottage in the middle of the forest. He wasn't even that sleepy, but he wanted to creep out the owners when they got home so he took a nap.
"I'm scared Sloth! It looks like a human!" said Wrath.
"It's not a human," said Sloth, "it's name is Envy Green – why would any normal person call their child Envy Green?"
"How did you know its name?" Wrath asked.
"…"
"Well?" asked Wrath.
"Look – a bunny!" said Sloth.
"That's not going to work, you know," said Wrath.
"I mean it!" said Sloth.
"Really?" asked Wrath.
"…no, that was just to distract you," Sloth told him.
"I knew it-" Just that second, Wrath was eaten by a giant bunny.
"Who's there?" asked Envy Green, finally awakening.
"We are the Seven Sins," said the Seven Sins.
Envy Green looked around. "Didn't one of you just get eaten by a bunny?"
"Oh yeah – I guess we're the Six Sins now," said Sloth.
"But I'M Envy! Umm, I mean Envy Green…" said Envy Green.
"Yeah, so?" said Sloth.
"So shouldn't there be only five of you then?" asked Envy Green.
"Just allow us to introduce ourselves," they said.
"Oh, what the heck it'd probably be easier if I just introduce us all," said Sloth, "so – I'm Sloth! I'm the mother-figure sin, and I like wearing suits! This is Gluttony – the walking stomach, this is Greed – the walking stoner, this is Pride – the walking…person."
"With a fast eye," Pride added.
"This is Lust – who's too cheap to get her nails filed, and last of all, the strongest emotion and most deadly sin – the sin of Roy!"
"Hello," said Roy.
"WHAT?" said Envy, "You're getting a two-part story?"
"I sure am," said Pride.
"But this is ENVY'S bedtime stories and this is only the second one!" yelled Envy.
"Well maybe next time you'll know not to make me stingy!" said Pride.
"That's what this is about? THAT is what this whole thing is about?" asked Envy.
"Yes," said Pride.
"Oh, okay," said Envy, "I guess that makes sense."
"Yes, it does," said Pride.
"Well just…make it quick okay? 'Cos I know how slowly you update, Pride, and if I'm done first then I am like totally interrupting!" yelled Envy.
"Well we'll see then," said Pride.
"Yes we will – and I have BOTH eyes to see with," Envy sniggered.
"Envy, you know I can see with this eye," said Pride.
"Oh just you wait!" said Envy.