Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist (but I do have my own paperclip collection and that's close enough)

Envy Green and the Seven Sins Part 2

"There's an evil queen after me who wants my heart because I'm so pretty so can I hang out with you guys for a while?" asked Envy Green.

The ultimate sin, Roy, was confused. "I'm confused," he said (because he was), "I don't see the problem…do you already have a girlfriend or something?"

Lust scoffed and Envy Green glared at her.

"I meant she literally wants my heart – like, so I'll DIE!" he yelled.

Greed looked skyward, trying to do that dramtic pose with one eyebrow raised, deep in thought. "I believe," he said, "that there is only one solution: if we kill you first then she'll never get the chance!"

"You're so wise, Greed," chanted the others.

Envy Green however was not that impressed. "Um, how about you just let me stay here for a while?"

"An original idea – I'll give you that," said Greed, "but I can think of only one other way to tackle this…we shall thwart her evil plans by holding a giant tea-party and inviting everyone but her! That way she'll come anyway to make us pay for our insolence and that's when we'll all throw strategically-placed marshmallows at her until she tries to run away – unaware that we've already prepared a pit-fall trap! So she'll set it off and while she's stuck in the hole we'll throw down acorns so the squirrels will come for her and then while she's preoccupied we'll steal her baseball card collection once and for all!"

"I thought of that too," said Roy, "I just…forgot it…" he coughed.

"Ummm that really doesn't have anything to do with getting me out of this predicament…" said Envy Green.

"Darn – then I'm out of ideas," Greed admitted. "Unless we make an army of grasshoppers who will use their powers of origami to control the WORLD…for us."

Envy Green sweatdropped. "Or, you could always just let me stay here for a while?"

"That works too!" said Greed.

"You're so wise, Greed," the others chanted.

Greed smiled, "I do what I can."

So it was decided that Envy Green could stay if he helped them with the housework while they attended to their tow-truck service.

'We tow, we tow, we…go out…and tow!' and so forth went their TV ad jingle.

Being a prince and all, Envy Green wasn't all that keen on doing housework, but he really liked the whole apron outfit. Unbeknownst to him however, the evil queen (Winry, as some called her) had tracked him down. The fact that he had made a guest appearance in the Six Sins' ad, which gave their address, really hadn't helped.

Envy Green liked to sing as he worked. It was also the only thing he could do to keep the woodland creatures away. "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wor—ld, life in plastic – it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, und-"

KNOCK KNOCK!

'Hmmmm,' he thought to himself, 'what did they tell me to do if someone was at the door?'

-Flashback-

Sloth: "This is where we keep the microwave!"

-end Flashback-

"No that wasn't it!" said Envy Green.

-another Flashback-

Roy: Your hair is pretty, but not as pretty as mine…

-end another Flashback-

"No! That wasn't it either!" said Envy Green.

-third Flashback-

Lust: Don't forget – make sure you don't answer the door for anyone but us!

-end third stupid Flashback-

"Damn!" said Envy Green, "That wasn't it either! Well, my gut feeling is telling me not to open it for anyone but them…so…who's there?" he called out.

"Uh…ummmm," said the evil queen.

"Is it the Six Sins?" asked Envy Green.

"Ah – YES! That's it!"

"OK – I'll let you in."

"Foolish boy…" she said to herself.

"What?" asked Envy Green.

"NOTHING!"

So he opened the door. "Hey! You're not the Six Sins!"

The evil queen looked around nervously. "Oh – did I say I was? Sorry – I meant I was the Apple Lady!"

Envy Green looked at her suspiciously. "You sure look like the evil queen…" he said.

"Oh right – excuse me a moment," she said, turning around and quickly sticking on a fake moustache.

"I guess I was wrong," said Envy Green upon spotting the moustache. "Well what do you want, Apple Lady?"

"To give you a poisoned apple! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Envy Green blinked in confusion. "Why would I want a poisoned apple?" he asked.

"Did I say poisoned apple?"

"Yup – and then you did the evil manic laugh."

"Well what I meant to say was 'unpoisoned apple'…without the laugh."

"Oh, OK then – thanks!" he said, taking the apple she had offered. He took a bite and died.

"Yippee!" laughed the evil queen, who started to skip happily home. Then she ran into the Six Sins, returning from a hard day's towing.

"We towed, we towed, yes all that towing blowed – LOOK! It's the evil queen! You weren't just killing Envy Green were you?" They asked suspiciously, getting ready to beat her up.

"Ummm, no?" she said.

"OK then have a nice day!" they said to her, and were on their way. When they got home, they found Envy Green dead and realised that there was only one thing they could do to save him.

"Hello?" said Prince Edward-Charming, picking up the phone. He listened to what they had to say. "HELL NO!"

"Awww!" said the Sins, "Why not?"

"Look – there is NO WAY you're getting me to kiss some dead GUY!"

"He's really pretty," said Sloth.

"I SAID NO!"

"C'mon!" they whined.

"NO!"

"Not even for $50?" offered Roy.

"DEAL!"

"Really?" they asked.

"The story goes that he needs just needs a kiss from Prince Charming, right?"

"Right."

"Then I've got it sorted."

And so, Prince Edward-Charming sent Prince Envy Green a box of Hershey's Kisses and he finally woke up. Luckily, on her way back to the castle, the evil queen was confronted and subsequently eaten by salamanders, so Envy Green was also able to return to his life of luxury. He sent the Seven Sins (Wrath had been regurgitated by the bunny) $100 to thank them for all of their help – half of which they had to give to Prince Edward-Charming. With it, he bought Mario Kart, and with their share, the Sins bought lots of alcohol, so for the rest of the holidays they all went over to Edward-Charming's place, got drunk and played Mario Kart.

The End

"So…what was the moral of that?" asked Wrath.

"No moral," Pride told him, "I just wanted to make Envy look stupid, have him poisoned, and get Winry eaten by salamanders."

"I'll tell you the real moral!" said Envy, "NEVER LET PRIDE TELL A STORY! That was the longest 15 minutes of my life!"

Greed decided to join in, "Which is really saying something since you're so damn old…"

"DIE!" yelled Envy, tackling Greed.

"Envy's got a point though," admitted Edward, "it did seem more like 2 months, didn't it?"

"That's why next time I'm back in charge – and I think I have it all planned out…" said Envy, starting to grin evilly.