Author-y Note-y Things: Heheh - I just wanted to talk. This was really one of Envy's Bedtime Stories in that I told it to everyone when we slept over at Greed's house. Hey, check it out - this was also brought to you almost 4 times faster than the last update. That means that either I was really inspired by all your lovely reviews (hint hint) or Envy's just a much faster writer than Pride...but on with the show!
PS: The long lines separate the bedtime story itself from the gang at Dante's listening to the story (for when they interrupt) and the X's separate scenes within the bedtime story.
'The Little Mermaid'
"Please tell me it's not me!" yelled Greed and Edward simultaneously.
"Don't worry," said Envy, "it's not you, Greed – it's Edward."
"HEY!" Edward yelled.
"Sorry – I heard Greed first."
"Well…a mermaid, eh? ONLY IF I GET TO HAVE A SHIRT!" Edward insisted.
"Fine."
The sea was alive with anticipation – the King of the Sea's children were performing in the well-renowned annual concert that evening. Everyone was in a joyous mood – well, everyone except the King himself, that is.
"PRIDE-CRAB!"
"Yes, Your Majesty?" said Pride-Crab, making his way to the royal throne.
"Where is Edward?" boomed the almighty King Hohenheim.
"Why, he's with the others rehearsing – the show will be starting soon."
"That's my point – GET RID OF HIM! That youngest son of mine has the most annoying voice!"
"Yes, Your Majesty," said Pride-Crab, getting ready to set off.
"And Pride-Crab…"
"Yes?"
"Do you think I should wear the green seashells or the purple ones?" he asked, holding up the different pairs.
Pride-Crab shuddered.
XXXXXXX
"This is going to be so much fun, Wrath-Fish!" laughed Edward –
"I WANT A SHIRT, REMEMBER!" the real Edward yelled.
"Yeah, yeah," said Envy, "I'm getting to that."
"This is going to be so much fun, Wrath-Fish!" laughed Edward, who was wearing a shirt. "I love singing – Father loves my singing too! He'll be so happy to hear me sing tonight!"
Wrath-Fish looked sceptical. "Doesn't he always cry when you sing?"
"They're tears of joy!"
"…and doesn't he always scream 'STOP! DON'T!'?"
"No, silly – it's 'DON'T STOP!'"
Wrath-Fish sighed. "If you say so…"
Then Pride-Crab came along. "Hey Edward, guess what!"
"Ooh! Umm…my room caught on fire?"
"…no – there's,"
"NO LET ME GUESS! Ummmm…the kitchen caught on fire?"
"No."
"You caught on fire?"
"NO! There's a big ship overhead – let's go have a look."
"But what if we miss the concert?" asked Edward, "Father loves hearing me sing – he'd just DIE if I didn't show up!"
"…"
"… "
"…the ship caught on fire," Pride-Crab sighed.
"YAY!" yelled Edward, swimming ahead happily.
"This happens for every concert and he never gets suspicious, does he?" asked Wrath-Fish.
"Nope," answered Pride-Crab.
XXXXXXX
"Damn…" said Envy. His multibillion-dollar company's Christmas party was taking place on a cruise ship. "Just look at them all, Lust," he said to his secretary, pointing towards his employees who were mostly both drunk and seasick and were either throwing up or had already passed out. "I need some new workers…"
XXXXXXX
"DID YOU HEAR THAT?" He needs new workers!" screamed Edward to the others, who were all clinging to the side of the ship and listening. Pride-Crab's eye was twitching…lets just say he was sort of right below where one of Envy's employees who wasn't feeling all that well was leaning over the side and…you get the picture.
"Who said that?" asked a very confused Envy, looking over the side to see where the voice had come from.
Luckily, Pride-Crab and Wrath-Fish had already pulled Edward under the water and were covering his mouth and glaring at him.
"Well, anyway, they're all so USELESS and WEAK!" Envy whined while looking at his clipboard. Suddenly a tiny wave hit the ship and Envy dropped the clipboard into the sea. "EEK!" he squealed, "QUICK - someone get it!" he yelled, but no one was listening. Even Lust had passed out by this point. Envy sweatdropped, "This is what I'm talking about…"
"Here you go!" came a voice, and the clipboard was miraculously thrown back up at Envy.
"OW! MY HEAD! But…thanks, mysterious diver!" Envy called into the water, as Edward had once again been pulled down under the surface. "Lust – find out who that strange diver with the screechy voice was and give him a job."
Lust was still unconscious.
XXXXXXX
"What the hell was that?" yelled Pride-Crab.
"…My life-long dream has always been to work for a multibillion-dollar corporation on the land…" mumbled Edward.
"Edward, listen to me…" said Pride-Crab, "under the sea – under the sea…...oh screw this, I'm tired! Let's go home."
"OK."
Pride-Crab lead the way, and Edward and Wrath-Fish lagged behind. "Hey Wrath-Fish," said Edward, "I'm going to see the Tea Witch!"
"You mean the Sea Witch?"
"Whatever – I'm going to get legs so I can work in Envy's company." (I only just realised how wrong that sounds…)
"But Edward! Isn't the Sea Witch evil, old and insane?" said Wrath-Fish.
"So's Father."
"And doesn't it only floss once a fortnight?"
"So does Father."
"But I've heard it eats children!"
"Well…I'm not sure, but I wouldn't put that past Father…"
"And they say it actually enjoys folk dancing!"
"ENOUGH!" cried Edward, shuddering at the thought. "I've made up my mind – I'm going to go see it no matter what!"
XXXXXXX
"That's right…come to me, you fool!" laughed a figure in a shadowy lair………as he swung around his fishing net, waiting for a jelly fish to come close enough for him to catch it.
"Your Evilness, it looks like the youngest Prince is headed this way," called Roy from the next room.
The figure jumped down off the couch. "Then it seems like everything is falling into place…" he said, in a deep and mysterious voice upon completing his jigsaw puzzle.
"Also, Vile One, it looks like the muffins are burning…" said Roy, leaning in through the doorway with oven mits on.
"Oh darn," whined the figure, all of a sudden sounding awfully girly, who stepped into the light to reveal himself as Greed.
XXXXXXX
"Umm, hello?" yelled Edward, knocking on the front door.
"It's open – come right on in…" said Greed, creepily.
Edward wiped his tail fins on the 'Home Sweet Home' doormat and let himself in, coming to stand before Greed who had the tail of a seahorse.
"Wow," said Edward, struggling not to laugh, "I was expecting you to be half octopus…or shark…or something…"
"SHUT UP!" Greed roared. "This from someone with a PINK TAIL!"
Edward pouted. "It's not pink…it's just…light red. Sooooo, you're the Sea Bitch?"
"THAT'S SEA WITCH!" he yelled. "Actually she's on vacation…"
XXXXXXX
"A little lower," Dante instructed her masseur while she sipped her martini on a tropical island.
XXXXXXX
"I am the infamous Theodore," said Greed, and once again Edward had to try not to laugh. "But you can call me Mr Greed."
"Well, Mr Greed-"
"That's MR Mr Greed to you!"
Edward sighed. "Well Mr Mr Greed, I'm here-"
"I know – you want to become human so you can work in Envy's company – so here's the deal! I'll make you a magic potion to give you legs, and then you'll be given three days to take the place of his secretary. If he gives you a permanent job before the sun sets on the third day, you can stay a human and do manual labour for the rest of your pathetic life."
"OH BOY!"
"But if he doesn't, you'll turn back into a mermaid-"
"MerMAN!"
"Fine – merman, and you belong to me!"
"OK – deal."
"But we haven't discussed the issue of payment yet – what I want from you is…your voice!"
"NOT MY BEAUTIFUL VOICE!"
"It's really pretty screechy, actually," said Greed, "you'll probably be better off without it – so go ahead and sign the scroll!"
Edward wasn't so sure anymore. His beautiful voice?
"It's up to you now…I'm a very busy dude and I haven't got all day – my in-laws are coming to visit later in the afternoon so MAKE YOUR CHOICE!"
Roy leaned in through the doorway again. "Ma and Pa are coming?" he asked, excitedly.
"No you idiot – I said my in-laws were coming," said Greed.
"Oh," said Roy, "I thought you said 'Roy's Ma and Pa are coming and we're all going to eat tofu at Dry-Land World'…"
"…"
"…can I talk it over with the others?" Edward asked, a tear escaping his eye…not that you'd notice – this is underwater after all.
"Yeah go ahead – I've got plenty of time."
Edward turned to the others. "Well? What do you guys think?"
"If you did that we'd never see you again!" said Wrath-Fish.
"You could come and visit me," Edward smiled, "I'm going to need your help anyway…but you'd never hear me again…"
Pride-Crab and Wrath-Fish looked at each other.
"DO IT!"