The Un-Little Merman Part 2 (he made me change it)

"It's a deal."

…

The next thing he knew, Edward was at the surface. 'Huh? What? Hey – I have legs! I don't have a tail!'

"You also don't have pants," said Wrath-Fish.

"ENNNNVVVYYY!" yelled the real Edward.

"Well you just kept going on about that shirt, you never said anything about pants," said Envy. Edward glared at him. "Alright, alright."

"Or to put it another way…you…do," said Wrath-Fish.

'But they're pink,' Ed sighed, '…damn that Mr Mr Greed.'

"And lets not forget about that floral embroidery…"

'ENOUGH! Maybe that's the fashion here?'

Then Envy walked past. "Whoa – those are the most unfashionable pants I've ever seen!"

'GASP!' Ed yelled, 'It's Envy!'

"Are you…trying to say something?" asked Envy.

Ed didn't get it. "You sold your voice, remember?" said Wrath-Fish.

'But I've just been talking to you!'

"No – I can just tell what you mean by your overly exaggerated facial expressions," Wrath-Fish explained.

'?' Edward did an overly exaggerated confused look.

Wrath-Fish continued, "and I lip-read…sometimes –cough- certain people's –cough- voices are just too screechy to bear so I wear earmuffs anyway."

'Ohhh, I geddit – Pride-Crab's voice is a bit too much to bear…by the way where is he?'

"He went to tell your father."

'But he's the one who told me to do this – that's it! I'm never speaking to him again!'

Wrath-Fish sweat-dropped.

XXXXX

"Your Majesty!" said Pride-Crab, as he entered the royal quarters to tell King Hohenheim what had happened…well, maybe not what really happened…just so long as he got the point across.

"Ah, Pride-Crab! Everything went smoothly at the concert, so what happened with Edward?"

"Well, uh, he attacked me! Yeah – that's it, and he ran off to the Sea Witch!"

"DANTE?"

"Well, I don't know if it was her or whether she was actually on vacation…or something…because I wasn't there of course! But as he swam off he mentioned becoming human."

"HUMAN?" roared King Hohenheim, flinging his crossword magazine across the room, "Don't tell me he had a secret treasure trove of human things and he's fallen in love with one so he wants to become human to be with them!"

"Ummm…ahhh…sure – that's it."

"I think I'm going to faint…no wait, that's not dizziness – that's unspeakable RAGE! I'm going to Dante's! Fetch me my 'Angry Confrontation' shirt!"

"This one?" asked Pride-Crab, holding up a red one.

"No – that's my 'Picking Up Dry-Cleaning' shirt."

"You mean it's this one?" asked Pride-Crab holding up a Hawaiian one.

"EXACTLY!"

XXXXX

Back at the beach, Envy asked Edward if he just happened to be a mysterious diver, thinking that maybe he was the one who threw him back his clipboard, but upon realizing that Ed couldn't talk and the diver had a really screechy voice, Envy concluded that it couldn't have been him.

"Well, do you want a temp job anyway? My secretary recently got hit through the head by an arrow with "Theo" and a smiley face inscribed on it," said Envy.

So Edward started work the next day, which meant there were only two days left in which to get hired. It didn't help that he also slept in and only got to work at midday. Luckily, Envy didn't so much notice the lateness, as there was something even more amiss.

"Oopsy – I guess I forgot to tell you," said Envy, and he explained that there was a strict dress code. "At first I made everyone wear this really plain uniform so no one would outshine me, but then I decided to be generous and let everyone share in this marvellous outfit – since I pull it off better than anyone else anyway," he said.

So they spent another hour getting Edward the Envy tank top, skort, and arm and leg things (so he was practically Pride!ed).

"Hey look – it's lunchtime! Let's get seafood!" said Envy.

'What sort of moron would want to eat the sea?' Ed thought to himself.

-Flashback-

Ed: I wonder what the sea tastes like… -takes a gulp of water-

-end flashback-

'Oh yeah,' he thought.

When they got to the restaurant, he realized that Envy had actually meant the creatures that lived in the sea. 'GASP! What sort of people would actually want to eat sea-folk?'

-Flashback-

Ed: I wonder what sea-folk taste like… - bites own tail- …tastes…painful.

-end flashback-

'Stupid flashbacks…' Ed thought. When the waiter brought Envy a plate of oysters Edward was outraged and smashed it on the ground.

"What are you doing?" yelled Envy, "oh yeah, you can't talk…well the way I see it there's only ONE plausible explanation for this!"

'OH NO! He knows the truth!' thought Edward, 'Surely from this minimal and open-to-interpretational evidence Envy's realized that I'm a merman!'

"Obviously," Envy continued, "you can tell that these oysters were poisoned by a rival multi-billion dollar corporation – good work, I might just have to hire you permanently! Yes – that MUST be it…I mean it's not like from such minimal and open-to-interpretational evidence that I could've concluded that you're a merman or something, that would be crazy."

XXXXX

"Oh no you don't – I'm not through with you yet!" yelled Greed, who was watching, having hidden himself in one of the tanks of fresh fish in the restaurant. He reached out and threw a dart at Edward's head.

It hit him and he passed out.

"Wow, what an affordable price for such a big fish!" said a random customer. "Waiter – I'll take this one," he said, pointing at Greed.

"No – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

XXXXX

"Hey secretary? Are you okay? Did you eat something that didn't agree with you?" asked Envy. And yes, yes Ed did have a large dart obviously sticking out of the side of his head.

When Ed finally awoke he was in the hospital. There wasn't anyone around, but Envy had left a note. 'Get back to work – I can't choose whether to have rainbow or mint-choc-chip ice-cream…decisions, decisions…'

Ed jumped out the window, trying to make his way back to the company.

Back in his lair (following a narrow escape from certain death) Greed was furious. "This has gone too far…Roy! Take care of the situation…"

"Oh I'll show that little punk," said Roy, "and I won't even have to leave this room!" he rolled up his sleeve and clicked……..but nothing happened. Roy figured out his mistake. "I hate living under water…" he sighed.

It wasn't long before Ed discovered that an ambulance was following him.

"Quick!" yelled Roy to one of the nurses, "That boy is seriously ill – we have to kill him before he dies!"

"WHAT?" asked the nurse.

When the machine gun bullets started being fired at his head, Ed jumped into the bushes to take a short cut.

"He's getting away, sir," said the nurse.

"Well hurry up and shoot him so we can get him to safety!"

'What was that all about?' Ed thought to himself upon reaching the company at last.

"Ah, so you're back," said Envy. "What a quick recovery from mysterious food-poisoning…just what I look for in an employee!"

XXXXX

"ROY!" yelled Greed into his Power Rangers walkie-talkie. "You're going to need to take a different approach – over."

"Roger that," said Roy…he hated being an apprentice substitute sea witch. He would have resigned years ago if it wasn't for his beloved complementary name-tag which said 'Hi! I'm Roy.'

XXXXX

So you'll be answering phones for the rest of the day," said Envy. Ed stared back blankly. "Oh right…the whole not talking thing…"

"Perhaps I can be of assistance," yelled Roy, jumping in through the window.

"Who are you?" asked Envy.

Roy cleared his throat and pointed to his name-tag.

"Oh, Roy…well you're pretty arrogant, aren't you? Just what I look for in an employee!"

'Oh no!' thought Ed.

"OH YES!" cried Greed, "I've finally beaten the computer at solitaire! And hey!" he saw what was going on through his crystal ball. "Roy's finally doing something right! Oh that mermaid kid's no match for me and my evil henchmen…really. I checked on anyway – back to solitaire!"

The next day the competition was on. If Edward couldn't get himself a permanent job before the sun set then he would belong to Greed. He had no idea what that actually meant but it was scary in any sense. And if Roy couldn't stop Ed from getting the job he'd lose his precious name-tag. Greed's threat actually went 'Everything you own – everything you love, WILL BE MINE!' So yeah, that meant the name-tag.

Meanwhile, at an ice-cream store under the sea…

"Tell me," said Hohenheim, "what is this 'strawberry' flavour you speak of?"

"Um, Your Majesty? Weren't we supposed to be going to Dante's?" asked Pride-Crab.

"Oh right…well there's no time for that now – let's go straight to the surface!"

XXXXX

Edward and Roy were both furiously alphabetising Envy's files when Wrath-Fish jumped through the window. "Edward! Your father's on his way!"

'What's the deal with all this jumping through windows…doesn't anyone know how to use a door? But yeah…OH NO!' Ed thought.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Roy, "Now you'll never win! That's right – I work for Mr Mr Greed and I'm only here to sabotage you!"

"Well duh," said Wrath-Fish, and Edward nodded in agreement.

Wrath-Fish jumped back out the window to try and stall things, but then Envy came in. "Hey you guys – let's go fishing!"

"That's a great idea sir!" said Roy, "Why couldn't you have come up with an idea like that?" he said to Ed.

"Now, now," said Envy, "I already know how great I am," he showed them his Great-O-Meter, which went to 100 percent when he pointed it at himself.

-on the boat-

Edward tried looking over the side of the boat to see if his father was nearby. He couldn't see anything, and ended up just falling in.

"You'll never catch fish like that!" yelled Envy, pulling him back onto the boat.

"AH HA!" yelled King Hohenheim, suddenly appearing above the surface and pointing at Edward and Envy. "I knew it! How could you, Edward?"

"I'm.going.to.let.go.now," said Envy, letting go of Ed and backing up to the far end of the boat.

"TIME'S UP – I WIN!" screamed Greed, also appearing next to Hohenheim and pointing at Ed.

"But the sun hasn't set yet!" cried Wrath-Fish, who was there too.

"Well Envy can't hire anyone if he's dead!" said Greed, pulling out a revolver and shooting Envy.

Luckily, the bullet hit something in his pocket. "No – my Great-O-Meter!" Envy cried, as it crashed to the ground in front of Edward. The Great-O-Meter went to 99 percent. The sun was just about to set. "Hmm, really great, but not as great as me…" said Envy.

Greed and Roy looked at each other and started screaming in slow motion, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"You're hired!" said Envy, and with those words, Roy exploded and Greed tried to flee but Hohenheim blasted him with his blasting powers.

And so, Edward got his, uh, 'beautiful' voice back and explained the whole story to his father and Envy. Hohenheim didn't really believe him, and still thought that he and Envy had 'something going on.' "Well, so long as you're happy, son," he said.

"Hey – time is money, let's get back to work," said Envy, who still hadn't noticed that the Great-O-Meter was just broken and permanently remained on 99 percent after it had hit the ground.

"Just one more thing," said Edward, "in all this time I still haven't figured it out…just what exactly does your company do anyway?"

"Why, gut fish of course!"

Sorry for the slow update – this is what I get for taking Legal and 3 unit English. That also probably explains the billions of scene changes too. Well, I could've done it last weekend but I was eating takoyaki at the natsu matsuri. So bear with me and I promise I'll try to deal with the requests in my next chappie! Love, Sailor enVii.