By Mapu
NOTES:
Thunderbirds belongs to Carlton, Gerry Anderson Productions and people who are not me. What a great show!
--
"Hey, Scott, what's up?"
Even though the hour was late, John sounded cheerful enough. Still, Scott felt concerned and a little troubled that his brother would assume he'd only called because there was a problem.
"What makes you think there's a problem?" Scott said sounding a little more defensive than he'd intended.
John laughed. "Your face tells me. Let me guess…" John put his fingertips to either side of his head and screwed up his face in a parody of intense concentration. "… Wait, I'm getting something, I see a fight. A battle of wills between a figure of authority and a young, stubborn, reckless… You had a fight with Alan huh?"
"Very funny, oh mystic-one, and it wasn't a fight. Alan was sulking, being obstinate and I…"
"And you lost your temper with him." John finished.
Scott scowled at his space-borne brother but didn't disagree.
He sighed and relaxed in his father's customary command chair, leaning his arms on the desk in front. "I'm not really sure what happened. We started out discussing the mission and I, justifiably, read him the riot act. I mean seriously, John, that stunt of his today could of gotten him killed, we were unbelievably lucky it didn't."
John nodded and Scott knew he too had seen how close the family had come to disaster that day. "Then, before I knew it, we were in a shouting match."
"Right… and that doesn't qualify as a fight? What's the problem? Seems to me baby-brother was deserving of a first-class reaming from his commander."
Scott winced. "Yeah, but I went too far. I said something I shouldn't have. Something I didn't really mean. He got upset and now I don't know what to do about it. John, I just got so mad at him I lost control."
John was quiet for a long moment. "It seems to me that before you can fix the problem you need to figure out and define what it really is."
"What do you mean? I know what the problem is. Alan messed up, I got carried away. That's the problem, what I need is a solution."
"No, Scott, the real answer is to find out why you got carried away. We've all made mistakes from time to time, even you, but you've never lost control of your temper before. What was different about this time?"
Scott thought about it. "I don't know."
John frowned. "Could it have anything to do with the fact this was a train-wreck rescue? I don't know about you, Scott, but I'm always a little on edge whenever we're called out to a rescue involving people trapped on trains. I can't help but make comparisons to the day we lost Mother."
Scott shifted uncomfortably, he didn't like to admit it but he felt the same. Every train rescue reminded him of the day his family had been caught in the wreckage of a crashed monorail and his heavily pregnant mother had gone into early labour. From that day Alan had been born but they had lost their mother. Scott considered it as a potential reason for his loss of control and at last dismissed it. It may have contributed but it was not the reason, at least not all of it.
"I feel it too, John, but it's never interfered with my command before. Gordon nearly dropped a full load of loose debris on top of Virgil during the last wreck and I didn't loose it."
John puffed a small laugh, "Gordon might disagree, he avoided you for days after that particular post mission debriefing."
Scott shook his head. "This is different, John… I was different."
"Then if it wasn't the situation maybe it was the subject. Was it because Alan was the one in danger?"
Scott felt a flash of anger at John's implied suggestion that he cared more for the youngest Tracy than the rest of them. "Of course not!"
John smiled. "Scott, we all feel a little differently about Alan, you and Virgil especially. You were ten when he was born, you watched him grow up. Your feelings for him, and Gordon, aren't purely brotherly. You're effectively a surrogate parent to them, to all of us really. It's natural for you to feel a little protective. I'd be surprised if you didn't."
Scott shrugged, conceding the point. "I don't let that interfere with my job. Alan, Gordon, all of you mean the world to me but you're all adults, and in the field you're under my command. I've always tried to treat you the same."
Scott felt a little worried that he'd unknowingly been playing favourites in the field. Rescues were inherently dangerous, and it would be courting a catastrophe to allow his emotions to interfere with his decisions.
"Don't worry, Scott, you do treat us evenly. You're an excellent field commander. I was talking about after the event, when you turn back into our brother."
"You make me sound like I have a multiple personality disorder," Scott muttered unhappily.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you had any personality at all," John grinned and Scott rolled his eyes. His younger brother was in fine form that evening.
"All right, so you think I might still feel a little parental toward Alan. I guess I do feel a bit of that, he is the youngest. I suppose it's not unreasonable that I might feel a little protective toward him, but that doesn't tell me why I got so aggravated with him tonight."
"I think it does, besides, with Alan, aggravation is not hard. Did I tell you he reprogrammed the computers while he was here last time, and now all I can get on the entertainment channels is country and western music?"
Scott grinned, "You might have mentioned that, repeatedly."
"It's on 24 hours a day, Scott! I'm actually starting to like it. Even Brains hasn't found what's causing it yet."
Scott laughed. "I guess you shouldn't have made that space-cowboy on his rusty steed comment about him and Thunderbird 3 then, huh?"
"Yeah, but who knew he was so sensitive?"
Scott felt his good humour fade away. "I did, and I hurt him anyway."
"Scott, whatever you said, Alan will forgive you for it. He loves you and he respects you, he'll listen. You just need to talk to him."
"Yeah, you're right. Thanks John, I'll let you get back to your music."
"Thanks a lot and, Scott? Don't wait, talk to him tonight."
--
Scott found his youngest brother sitting on the outside retaining wall of the lower pool area, a spot invisible from the house but with an incredible view of the beach and the moonlit ocean beyond. He knew it was one of his brother's favourite places on the island.
Alan hadn't turned when he approached but Scott knew he was aware of him.
"Do you mind if I join you?" Scott asked.
Alan shrugged. Scott took that as permission and settled himself on the wall beside his brother.
The silence weighed heavily between them.
"I didn't mean it, you know, when I said if you could act so stupidly you shouldn't wear the uniform."
"Then why did you say it?"
"I was angry, you say things in anger that you don't mean. Surely you do that too every now and then?"
Alan nodded. "Yeah, I do, but you don't. You said it. You meant it." Alan's tone was calm but Scott could hear the hurt in it.
"No, I really didn't mean it, Alan. I was venting. You scared the life out of me and I overreacted."
"You never get scared."
"Of course I do. Alan, I watched my kid brother, someone I care deeply about, detach his safety line and climb down the side of a precariously balanced train wreck. You were dangling over a more than hundred foot drop. You could have fallen. I was expecting to see you fall. I was beyond scared. I was terrified. I know you are good with heights, that's why I wanted you on this rescue but I do not, ever, want to see you do something like that again. Do you understand me?" Scott's voice had begun to rise with the remembered fear and he had to concentrate to calm himself. He was trying to apologise to his brother, not start another fight.
Alan was looking at him now, a faint confusion in his eyes. "You asked for me?"
It was Scott's turn to feel confused. "Of, course I did. You're the best aerial man in the team. You have absolutely no fear of heights; even when you should, and you never let yourself get distracted from the job."
"I'm sorry, Scott. I didn't think it would be a problem. I was only off-tether for a few minutes. We needed to release the pressure from the hydraulic valve or we would never have gotten the doors open in time and I couldn't reach it with the line attached. If I hadn't done it those people would have died."
"I know, Alan, and while what you did may have saved lives, I am not willing to trade your life for anyone else's. Next time, and there will be a next time that you're faced with that kind of choice, make sure of your own safety first. If we start taking crazy chances, we'll eventually take risks that are going to get us killed. We can only rescue people if we are alive to do it, right?"
Alan nodded. "I get it. I'll be more careful."
Scott relaxed with a sigh feeling that at last they had an understanding between them. "See that you do. I only have a limited supply of little brothers and I'd hate to part with one. Ruin the whole set."
Alan laughed; an easy, light sound. "Can't allow that, I know how you older people get about your collections. Just like Grandma and her teacups."
Scott laughed too, "Yeah, only more annoying."
They sat together for a long time in companionable silence. Scott stared at the white-caps reflecting the moonlight until he noticed his brother's gaze was directed skyward. Following Alan's gaze Scott looked to where he knew Thunderbird 5 orbited. The space station's construction and security measures made it invisible to observation but both knew exactly where it was.
Scott smiled. "You do know John is going to make you pay, don't you?"
Alan flashed him a grin. "It's worth it."
"I'll remind you that you said that." Scott tried to stifle a yawn. "I'm heading to bed, you coming in?"
Alan shook his head. "Nah, I think I'll stay out here a little longer, keep John company for a while."
Scott nodded his understanding. He'd seen John do the same thing when it was Alan's turn for a rotation of duty on the station. "We're good though?"
Alan looked up at him and smiled. "Always."
Scott stood, resting a hand on Alan's shoulder for a moment and giving it a squeeze of affection. "Good. I'll see you in the morning."
Scott made his way back up the steps toward the house. Before turning the corner that would put Alan out of view he looked back. Alan made a small figure sitting alone on the wall with the huge vista of ocean and heavens behind him, but his back was proud and straight. John was right that he still felt protective of Alan but Scott knew the bulk of his feelings for his youngest brother came from more than that. Alan was very much like himself, in many ways. They had similar interests and skills, and of all his brothers Scott felt he understood his youngest sibling the clearest.
He respected Alan and loved him not just for the child he had been but for the man he had become.
Finita.