Hey there! So it seems Ed and Al have joined the pirates. Unwillingly, of course. sigh They don't know what they're up against…

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, or anything like that. But if I did… Muahahahaha!

ArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArr ArrArrArrArr

Dolphins frolicked in the water trailing a seemingly harmless brig through the waves. This impression ceased to matter for the view changed dramatically once on board. Then, you just wanted to walk the plank of your own free will. Or hang yourself if it came right down to it. Anyways, all hell broke loose the minute the sun dawned over the horizon and the captain made a startling announcement. Let's just say this speech wasn't an Abraham Lincoln one, especially to a certain sixteen year old on board.

"You damn Colonel! What do you mean you don't know where we are! Weren't you going to your own promotion ceremony! How can you get lost on the way! You were going to be a Brigadier General! How can you screw the whole thing over like that!" the midget alchemist yelled at his higher up, not even caring how much protocols he was breaking at that point.

"Look, shrimp. It's not my fault! And I thought you didn't want to attend that event anyways! Something about it being a 'waste of your time'? If you want to blame anyone, blame the higher ups, (not including me!) for scheduling that ceremony out of the main island!"

"We weren't even going to your promotion thing! This trip was to visit, our, um… out aunt's uncle-in-law! Yeah!"

"Sure, and I had poker with the Easter bunny last night!" Roy taunted the blond, and it irritated him even more.

"RRrrrrr…"

"It was fun, but he won…"

"How can you be so laid back at a time like this!" Edward turned to face the crew gathered around the bickering pair before continuing.

"Look, how can we ever get back to dry land with him as captain? He can't find his way out of a paper bag!"

"He can find his way out of a paper bag! Too bad there isn't one big enough…"

"Thank you, Hughes." The colonel stated sarcastically, yet Havoc and Armstrong proceeded to torture him to no end, for the gallant Major kept the secret location of the food still secret.

"The point being, we won't get much further with Mustang in charge."

"What are you implying, midget? Do you want to be captain?"

"I'm not saying THAT!"

"Brother…"

"That's exactly what you're saying." Hawkeye hit the mark.

"It's just that, do you really want such an irresponsible-"

"I'm not irresponsible, but you're the one who doesn't get his mission reports done on time." Roy countered.

"He's lazy." Ed continued.

"He is arrogant."

"That bastard colonel is directionally challenged!"

"And you're vertically challenged!" Mustang started cracking up at his own joke.

"You think that's so funny, don't you? We'll see who's laughing when you're BURNING IN HELL!"

"Is that anyway to talk to you're superior? Eh, gnome?" the colonel suddenly composed himself in time to launch another insult. This taunt resulted in two things. First, a now charging Elric transmuted a knife on his steal-plated arm and launched the two into yet another sparring match. Secondly, an already annoyed first Lieutenant pulled out a pistol and aimed it right above the two men and fired.

"I have had enough of you two trying to kill each other! This has gone too far! If one of you provoke the other, that shot will be lower, and I won't miss! Now, if you guys can just calm down and-" The lecture was interrupted by a shout from above that changed the pair's opinion of the trip.

"LAND HO!"

Arr ArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArr ArrArrArrArr

The sliver of land appeared on the horizon. As the ship drew closer, they noticed the pearly white sands of the beach. Above that, the jungle rose in a twisted tangle of trees and shrubs, stretching towards the mountainous center. Birds wheeled about the island giving it an overall peaceful tone and general appearance. A massive skull-shaped peak rose among the surrounding foothills. Its eyes burning with volcanic ash that spewed forth thick columns of black smoke that obscured the sky.

The assembled crew gazed longingly at the island unfolding before them. Suddenly they realized there's not one person on board who can pilot the brig towards land. After several moments of pondering, Hughes (still tied up) mumbled incoherently through the gag. After a few seconds, he humorously hopped over and crashed clumsily into one of the lifeboats resting on deck.

"Of course!" Roy cried as Maes's unconscious body crumpled to the deck. "We'll break apart the lifeboats and use them as paddles!"

As the crew chopped the lifeboats into firewood, numerous foods spewed out of the wreckage showering the savages with Pizza Hut's Personal Sized Pepperoni Pizzas ™ and 'Double Western' Six Dollar Burgers™.

"HA! Now you have to let me go, right!" Hughes awoke and instantly started annoying the populace, thus inferring the wrath of Hawkeye's dog. Hs biting and snarling resulted in the ropes bonding him to come loose, and pretty soon, they were all heading to 'The Island'.

Arr ArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArr ArrArrArrArr

"I claim this land in the name of Roy's mom!" yelled Ed leaping off the boat and planting a flag in the sand.

"Hey!" the colonel cried tearing the dirty underpants off the flagpole.

"But she was a fine woman." stated Armstrong, following closely behind.

"AAaarrggghhh! No!"

"It wasn't my fault; no one can resist Major Louis Alex Armstrong!" The alchemist retorted while whipping himself into several convulsive poses. The sparkles flew and everyone around him backed off a few steps, especially Mustang, who was running far away from him down the jungle path. His crew followed suite leaving the major to his flexing.

ArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArr ArrArrArrArr

A few hours later….

"Are we there yet?" A tired and mosquito bitten Hughes groaned as another turn in the dirt path revealed more shrubbery. Those few hours in the jungle might have been uneventful at best, but still served as a punishment for the crew. Every spider-ridden bush and snake infested palm tree brought pain to the eyes of these innocents, and never ceased to anger Edward each time he looked around.

Armstrong sighed along with the rest of the gang, yet persisted to answer Maes, "The question here is not whether we are there yet, but where we are actually going." This caused the shortest Elric to stop in his tracks.

"Wait, Colonel, why are we actually here! Where are we going? Why did we come onto land in the first place? We had food on board! Why did we stop here!"

Mustang looked up from scratching a bug bite on his hand, "huh? Can you repeat that? Your voice is too hard to hear from that low near the ground."

"I SAID, WHY THE HELL ARE WE--!", The midget's shouts were suddenly interrupted by a wild sounding cry coming from the left of the path. The military dogs froze in place as the call was joined by many more shrill yells coming from all over the place.

Suddenly, Hughes fell to the ground. Before anyone got near his body, Luis was hit by a poison dart in the neck and barely had time to realize it before getting hit with another and falling in a crumpled heap near his comrade. Ed quickly transmuted a dirt barrier around his left side; for that was the direction the darts were coming from. Alas, he was hit from the right and tumbled to the ground as well. Roy, Riza, and Black Hayate followed suite leaving only Alphonse to ward off the enemies. This didn't go very well, unfortunately, for after waking up several hours later in a thatched roof hut, Ed noted that only Al's head lay a few meters from Black Hayate's nose and the rest of the armor was nowhere to be seen.

ArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArrArr ArrArrArrArr

Yes, that took a while. A while. Oh well, hope you liked it. I'll try to be faster with the next update.