Chapter One – The Non-Break Up Break Up
"Great," I mutter to myself as I see him approaching me with her on his arm. Of course she's on his arm. Where the hell else would she be? She is clearly a leech or a parasite that can only survive when it has a host body to hang out on, sucking dry its resources.
"Haley," he grins as they make their way toward me. Seriously, I'm in a crowded football stadium watching a concert. It doesn't even make sense that they would find me here. I have bad luck.
"Hey Nathan, hey Susie." A baby name for the baby, I can't help but mentally taunt. I actually feel a little bad for it because despite her age and the fact that she dresses like – and probably still plays with – Barbie dolls, she really is a sweet, nice girl.
"Hi Hales," she bubbles, borrowing the nickname that my friends have given me. I shouldn't let it, but it really bothers me that she does that.
"What are you guys up to?" I ask, not interested, but not rude enough to summarily dismiss them, either.
"Besides waiting for the concert to start?" Nathan chuckles, pointing over my shoulder to the stage being set up behind me.
"Yeah, besides that," I agree, turning back to the game. They move to stand alongside me, and Nathan places a friendly arm around my shoulder.
"Where's your not as awesome as me other half?" he wonders aloud, referring to Brooke, the closest and most unlikely friend I've made at college.
"She's at the concession getting nachos and pop or something," I tell him as casually as possible. "She thinks we're going to the bar tonight, so apparently we need sustenance in the meantime."
"You're going out tonight?" he asks with a pout.
I nod. "Yeah, Brooke has a crush on one of the football players, so she found out which bar he likes. So, we are now on a stalking mission tonight," I sum up.
"Wow, so I have a basketball player," Susie chimes in, "And Brooke will have a basketball player. I guess you'll need, like, a baseball player, Hales!"
Nathan bursts out laughing, apparently at the thought of me with an athlete. "Thanks," I mutter at him with a glare.
"Aw, come on, Hales. It's funny!" he exclaims, nudging me when my look stays sour. "You've professed your disdain for athletes for so long now that you have to figure you'll get teased about it once in awhile."
"Yeah, if I was so disdainful towards athletes, then what am I doing hanging out here with you?" Both Susie and Nathan look surprised by the vehemence and anger in my voice.
"Geez, calm down, it was just a joke," Nathan sighs, running a hand through his hair. I curse myself for bringing the tension between us to the forefront again after we'd both tried so hard to bury it.
"I'm so sorry, Haley," Susie apologizes, "I didn't mean to offend you. It wasn't even a joke, just sort of a, um, commentary, I guess."
"I know," I tell her, letting out a ragged breath, "I know you didn't mean anything by it. And I'm sorry for getting so snippy."
Nathan doesn't say anything even as Susie acknowledges my apology and begins chattering about a couple of her classes. Instead, he just stares hard at me, almost willing me to tell him what's going, why I've put this wall up between us. The intensity behind his stare makes me a little nervous, and I know that even after all we've been through, when he looks at me, he still sees so much more than the average person does.
"So, you're really going out tonight?" Nathan asks with a sigh, "Are you sure you want to? It looks like bad weather. It's warm now, but look at those clouds."
Confused, I shrug. "I don't know, its fine out now. Besides, it'll be fun, and Brooke swears up and down that a lot of really likeable people will be there."
He sighs again. "I guess that means you don't want to hang out with me," he mutters sardonically, "I thought it'd be fun since we haven't done that in forever."
"You've been busy getting ready for the draft and me for med school," I point out, wondering where this is coming from. Since he started dating Susie, he hasn't asked me to hang out once. I'm almost tempted to brush off Brooke and stay with him, until Susie opens her big mouth.
"Yeah, I can't hang out tonight," Susie jumps in, "So I told Nathan he should hang out with you to keep the girls away."
I think Nathan realizes right away how irritated I am by her comment, and that I'm not stupid enough to think he actually wants to hang out with me – he's just got no one better. I get that.
"And I haven't had the chance to hang with you lately, Hales, come on, stay with me tonight." He looks at me with such a sad look that I'd probably acquiesce if I didn't already know he only wants me around because he doesn't have anything better to do.
"Sorry, Nathan," I say dully, not wanting to let him know how much his brushing off hurts, "But I can't back out on Brooke like that."
"God, Haley, I'm asking you for one night of your time!" he exclaims as Susie looks away – other people are also starting to stare at us. "You see Brooke all the damn time, and you can't cancel one night? One measly, lame night?"
"Go to hell," I ground out, frustrated beyond belief with him and his attitude.
Brooke comes bounding down the stairs at this moment, saving me from the embarrassment of blurting out something stupid to Nathan. Which is always entirely possible, but with her here as a buffer, it lessens.
"Nathan and Nathan's girlfriend," she greets, even though she knows Susie's name.
"Bitch," Nathan greets back, rolling his eyes at her. It's sort of ironic that he dislikes her so much when she is so similar to at least half of the girls he's slept with – bubbly, funny, gorgeous.
"Hi Brooke," Susie greets easily, and it makes me really wonder about myself that I could hate someone as damn nice as her.
"Yeah, hi," Brooke nods at her before giving me a look clearly asking why they're here. I shrug as subtly as possible at her, and sit down. "So, here's the coke, Haley," she says, handing me a large cup that is half-empty. I roll my eyes at her completely unsubtle hint but do her bidding and fill the cup the rest of the way with the pint of rum I've got stashed in the pocket of my sweatshirt.
"Gosh, you could get kicked out for that," Susie tells us, wide eyed.
"Gee, really?" Brooke mocks, rolling her eyes, "We fucking know that. We just choose not to get all bent out of shape over it. Besides, it's a concert, and we're here to have fun."
"Oh, okay," Susie shrugs, grabbing at Nathan's arm. He leans down and kisses her, and it is all I can do not to turn away and make gagging motions at Brooke. Nathan pulls back, and his eyes lock with mine over her shoulder. I glance away first, not able to stand the heat of his gaze.
"Uh, we're going to go," Nathan informs us, and I just nod at him. "If you change your mind, I'll be around the apartment."
I nod again, dumbly. "I won't, but thanks anyway."
"Well, the offer stands," he repeats, and I feel like a bit of an ass for being so obstinate with him, but it hurts to know the main reason he even asked is just because his girlfriend won't be around for an evening.
"What was that all about?" Brooke asks when they're finally gone.
"Oh, Nathan invited me to hang out with him tonight, but Susie stuck her foot in her mouth and basically admitted it was only because she was busy. Oh, and that she doesn't want him hanging around 'girls', so apparently that makes me something other than. Although, I know she didn't mean it that way."
"Huh," Brooke mutters, taking a sip of the rum and coke, "Well, I'm sorry he's such an ass sometimes. I know you, you know."
"Yeah, well, what can you do?" I respond, grabbing the cup away from her and chugging.
"Tell him to fuck off," she suggests cooly, "I mean, come on, Haley! Why do you let him treat you like such crap? You're totally the third wheel of his life, and you let him do that to you!"
I shrug, unable to counter her statement. "Maybe, but he's my friend. He's been my friend since we were six. That's going back a long way," I reason.
"So what?" she laughs, "My ex-friend Peyton? Yeah, remember her? She and I were friends since pre-school, but once she dicked me over, that all ended. You don't have to stay friends with someone just because you peed in their swimming pool at some point."
"Okay, ew. And second of all, that's different. You two liked the same boy, she won, and you've held a grudge ever since. I don't think Nathan and I have ever liked the same boy."
She rolls her eyes at me. "Whatever. You know what I'm saying. Sometimes it is just, I don't know, necessary, I guess, to cut loose the dead weight. And I'm sorry, I know how important he is to you, but Nathan is your dead weight."
"I don't see how that's possible," I argue, "I mean, we've been best friends forever. And yeah, things are strained right now, but we'll get passed it. We always have."
"Well, your funeral," she says blithely, "I mean, well, you know what I mean. Just be careful, okay? Because he has the power to hurt you more than anyone else in your life, and I'm just afraid that something is going to happen and he does."
I give her a hug before taking another long swig of the rum and coke. I can feel my cheeks heating from the beverage, and it feels kind of nice. "Thanks, Brookie, I know you always mean the best."
"You're damn right," she agrees, grabbing the cup away from me. "And we are damn well going to have fun tonight, and you are going to forget all about Asshole and Asshole's girlfriend. Hey, let's get all dressed up!"
"Brooke, you're always dressed up," I point out. She smirks and shrugs, and I infer right away that she means me, and not her. "No, no way. I'm not letting you hoochie me up again, Davis. No way, no how."
She smiles impishly, and I know I'm not going to get out of this one. And maybe, in some ways, at least, I don't want to. Maybe a part of me wants to show Nathan that I can be just as attractive as the various girls he's dated over the years, and that he doesn't have to be so callous when it comes to overlooking me. Why I feel the need to rub that in his face now of all times is beyond me, though.
"Fine," I acquiesce, figuring it'll be easier to let her know now that I'm open for whatever tonight, "I can let you dress me up for one night. One night only, though."
She snorts oh so indelicately. "Girl, please. Like you don't dress borderline hooch anyway. I'm just going to push you over the edge."
"Yeah, that'll be fun," I tell her as I roll my eyes.
"You'll love it," she guarantees, as we settle in to cheer for our team the rest of the game.
Once the game is over, we head back to Brooke's apartment, probably because neither of us feel any great need to be around Nathan right now, and also because she has way more going out clothes than I do.
"Here, try this," she tells me as she stumbles over a shoe on the floor. We're both more than a little buzzed right, giggly and losing coordination fast as we continue drinking.
"That looks so good on you, Haley," she smiles once I have it, such as 'it' is, on. The outfit is cute, if a little racier than what I'd normally wear. But I'm feeling daring and maybe even a little dangerous tonight, so what Brooke has put together is so much more fitting.
She's got me in a denim mini with a black, back baring halter top. Its early fall, but it is chilly out, so I'm wearing a black leather jacket of hers that match my knee high leather boots pretty perfectly. She's also piled a crapload of silver jewelry accented with crystals that I hope like hell are fake. All in all, it is a little flashier than I'm normally into, but its fun and I kind of honestly like it.
"So, we look great," she grins, coming up behind me in the mirror. She looks hot in a flashy red mini dress that will catch a ton of other guys' eyes, if not that of the football player she is after.
"We sure do," I agree, turning around and giving her an impulsive hug. I think sometimes I don't let Brooke know how much I appreciate her and all of the very many things she does for me on a regular basis.
"What was that for?" she asks, raising an eyebrow at me, "Because I know I look hot, and I know I've been prone to kissing other girls when I'm drunk, but I don't think I'm interested."
"That was for being such a great friend, that's all. It wasn't a come on," I laugh, even as I roll my eyes at her genuine conceit. Hell, if I was her, and had her confidence, I'm sure I'd be conceited, too.
"Oh," she blinks, nonplussed, "Well, I do what I can."
"You do more than you'll ever know," I smile, not complaining when she starts straightening my hair. I sort of dig the messy, wild curls look, but Brooke is more of a smooth, sleek look person.
"Well, you ready to go?" she chirps, ignoring my sentimentality, which is probably better since we're both so caked in makeup we put mimes to shame.
"Yeah, I'm ready," I smile, grabbing the small purse I'm taking and following her out the door. "You better not forget me when you get Mr. Hot Shot football player groveling at your feet," I warn her.
"Hey, I'm not Asshole, right? I'm not going to ditch you for a boy toy, Hales. I'm just a little better than that, don't you think?"
"Yeah, because I won't let you," I return, sharing her smile.
The bar is wildly insane, of course, seeing that the football team won today and everyone here is a player or, well, I guess a groupie trying to land a player. By default, I guess if all into the latter category.
"There. He. Is." Brooke announces, pausing lengthily between each word. "Oh, my God, I think I'm getting wet – "
"Brooke!" I exclaim, "I don't need to know that! God, I don't think anyone here needs to know that little tidbit!"
She just laughs, never one to shy away from a little audacity. "Oh, come on, you have to admit that is one gorgeous male, and you know, if I'm not mistaken, he'd look even more gorgeous with a little me hanging on his arm." She winks at me and wanders off.
I'm of half a mind to take off without her, but I know that would tick her off and I'd get a lecture tomorrow on how I need to stop being lame and start having fun. Yeah, she's more concerned with whether or not my social life is active than whether or not I've ditched her at a bar where she doesn't really know anyone. Go figure.
I stay for awhile, even letting myself have fun dancing with a couple of the football players. I bump into a few guys from the basketball team that I know through Nathan, and I sit and drink with them for awhile. They're fun and rowdy, and aside from the initial 'where's Scott?', we don't talk about him at all, which suits my purposes fine.
They keep me laughing for about an hour before I decide I've had enough fun and that Brooke won't bitch at me for leaving. I give her a hug, and she commends me for staying so long even though I wanted to go home. She decides to stay, of course, having made progress with her football player, whom she promises me she'll introduce me to later.
I drank just enough that it seems like a good idea to call a cab, and so I'm back to the apartment even quicker than anticipated. The lights are out, and I'm relieved that I won't have to face Nathan now, but disappointed that I won't get to see him, talk to him. There is something seriously perverse in how I feel about things with him, but at least I know it. That's something, I suppose. Or so I tell myself.
I stumble around in the dark, dropping my keys and purse on the small table in the kitchen noisily. I kick my shoes off, and shrug the heavy leather jacket off onto a nearby chair. The lights flicker on, and I nearly let out a scream as I whirl around in surprise.
"God, Nathan, you about gave me a heart attack!" I gasp, taking in his bare chest.
"And I bet you caused a lot of guys some major blood flow issues tonight," he returns, letting his eyes roam up and down my body in this way that manages to make me feel simultaneously hot and cold.
"Nathan," I say in a warning tone, but he ignores me, moving closer.
"What? It's true. Look at you, in that almost shirt. Hell, my blood is rushing south right as I stand here talking to you," he smirks, and I fight the urge to glance 'south' and see for myself.
"Whatever," I spit out in as dismissive a tone as I can muster, "What are you doing up so late, anyway?"
"Can't a best friend wait up and make sure you get home okay?" he asks in a snide voice. I choose not to answer, so he lets out a sigh. "Look, Markus and Stevens called, said they'd ran into you at the bar, and that you refused a ride with them. They wanted to make sure you were alright, and so did I. Is that so surprising?"
"From them?" I retort, "No, but you? Yeah, a little surprising these days. I think the last time you mustered concern for me was probably a year ago. Let's not get overly rose-colored about the recent past, okay?"
"That's bullshit and you know it," he sighs, running a hand angrily through his hair, "If I stopped showing outright concern for you it was only because you obviously didn't want it! Everything I do in terms of you feels wrong these days, and you make me feel like a leper, you're so cold towards me!"
"Wow, I don't even know where to start with that," I gape at him, wrapping my arms around myself in a protective hugging gesture.
"Come off it, Hales! We both know that you've just, God, pulled away from me! It's like you don't even want to be my friend anymore, which is your prerogative, right? But have the fucking balls to say it to my face!"
"I don't want to stop being your friend," I assure him in a whisper. His face is such a mixture of anger and hurt that I can hardly bare to look his way. "I'm sorry."
As the tears pool in my eyes, I see him moving closer to me until I feel his arms wrap around me. "Shh," he whispers as I dissolve into tears, "Its okay, Hales, I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I deserved it," I assure him, "I don't know why I've been so distant with you lately, but for what it is worth, I am sorry, Nathan. I hate that I've hurt you."
"Yeah, me too," he agrees, chuckling. I unfold my arms from around myself and throw them around him. "Its okay, Hales. But, um, maybe you could tell me what's going on, or something?" he asks, uncertainty and hesitation creeping into his voice.
"I – " I begin, hesitating. I can't tell him, there's just no way. I know this, and so I clam up. "I don't know," I sigh, and I feel his arms tense around me – he knows I'm lying, and he knows that I know that, too.
"Hales, you're my best friend – God, you're my family! You can tell me anything, and I'm going to be here for you. I promise. I don't believe in a lot of things, especially people, but you, I believe in you. Hell, I believe in us, Hales."
I hug him tighter, clinging to him for dear life. The tension in his arms subsides, but his grip on me doesn't. "I believe in you, too, Nathan." I can't tell him I believe in 'us', because in all honesty, I don't think I do anymore. There are just too many variables and outside factors to believe in something like that anymore.
He obviously recognizes my omission as he pulls away from me. I can see it on his face and in the rigid way he's holding himself. He does smile tightly at me, though, and that gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, we can get through all of this shit sooner than later.
"I'm sorry I hurt you and that I've been so distant lately," I reiterate to him, really needing him to believe it.
"Yeah, I know, Hales," he agrees, giving me another hug. He pulls back, a huge grin on his face. "You know, you really are hot in that little get-up," he grins, winking at me.
I smack him on the shoulder. "How come I didn't get a date then?" I ask, mock pouting at him.
"Probably because you were hanging out with the morons from the basketball team," he points out, "And what guy in his right mind is going to approach you when you've got them lumbering around you? They aren't exactly the most un-intimidating people on campus."
"Well, they were fun to hang out with. How come you never bring them around?" I ask, suddenly curious.
"I don't know," he shrugs, and again, my eyes are drawn to his really gorgeous, smooth, defined chest.
"You aren't embarrassed by me, are you?" I ask, mostly teasing. In high school, though, there were times when I was just too different from his friends for him to bring them around me. Mostly for my sake, but probably for his, too. I guess that still worries me to this day.
He rolls his eyes. "Not in the least. Actually, I've always worried that they'd get out of hand and do something to shock you. I don't know, I guess that's not really applicable anymore, is it?" he remarks, gesturing to my barely there shirt before hugging me again.
I pull away from him slowly, savoring the feel of his hand on my bare back as it slides off. By accident or intention, his hand grazes over my butt, and I have to fight the urge to jump into his arms. He'd probably shove me away as quickly as possible, or worse, laugh like a madman at my pathetic need for him. Any way you cut it, it wouldn't be pretty.
He gives me a small, vaguely sad smile as I back away from him. I nod, unable to reciprocate, and escape to the relative safety of my room, closing the door tight behind me. Being so near him has gotten me worked up, so it really is important for me that I get away from him and get some breathing room.
Why I am so weak when it comes to him, well, I doubt I'll ever know. There is just no rational explanation for it. He's just a man, no, a boy. Yeah, if I tell myself that enough times, maybe then I'll believe it. Of course, all the internal sarcasm in the world won't do shit for me now, so I might as well be honest with myself – I'm in love with him, or at least the fantasy I have of him.
The thing is, it isn't really that much of a fantasy. For other girls that he's dated, yeah, they probably think the side of Nathan that I see is a fantasy because he won't let them see it. He won't let them in the way he lets me in. And in the end, it is probably that very thing that has me so wrapped up in him, so in love with him.
And that's not his fault, and it certainly shouldn't be his problem. No, this is my deal, my issue, my fault, and of course, my problem. He shouldn't have to suffer the swings between high and low in terms of how I treat him constantly, but that's what I'm doing to him these days. I know this, and I'm sure he knows this, too.
I just wish things were a little different now – nothing like a dream of the impossible, right? If I could have things my way, Nathan would pay less attention to other girls and more to me. Hey, it's my dream, I can be selfish in it. I just have to stop carrying that trait over into the real world.
A soft knock on the door nearly stops my heart, and I jump again when he calls my name quietly.
"Just a minute," I reply, letting him know I'm not sleeping yet. I take a few deep breaths and smooth my hair back from my face before moving to answer the door. "Hey," I murmur, trying to smile at him.
"Hey," he replies, a much easier smile on his face.
"Um, did you need something?" I question when he doesn't say anything other than 'hey'. The nervousness I felt earlier around him is back tenfold, and his intense perusal is not helping matters, either.
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," he tells me, his voice low and husky and oh so sexy. "Are you?"
"I – yeah, Nathan, I'm fine," I respond, shaking my head in a futile attempt to snap myself out of this little reverie. "Do you have reason to suspect otherwise?"
"Well, I know that you've been upset with me, and I know you said things were fine earlier. I just wanted to make sure," he finishes with a shrug.
"I am fine. Everything is fine," I assure him.
"Liar," he corrects me, no heat in his voice, though. I look up at him in surprise. He laughs a laugh that is humorless and tinged with something resembling bitterness. "What? You think we're so out of touch now that I couldn't tell when you were lying? Think again, Hales. I still can see that much in you."
I shake my head at him, staring at the wall to his right. "I didn't think that," I protest, no fight in my voice. That really hits me – I can't even fight him, let alone for him, anymore. Am I giving up?
"Yeah, you did. You thought that, what with all the pushing away you've done to me lately, that I wouldn't know anymore, I wouldn't be able to read you. Well, guess what? I still can," he whispers hotly, stepping closer to me, "I still know you better than I know myself. Does that piss you off, Hales? Are you mad about that?"
"What if I was, Nathan? What fucking difference would it make?" I yell back, upset that he gets it, upset that he's so calm about things, just upset.
"Jesus, Hales," he sighs, stepping back from me. I guess my outburst accomplished one thing, at least. "Look, I don't know what is going on with you or why you're so set on pushing me away, out of your life, but God, if you want me to leave, just tell me! It would have to be easier to take than this."
"I never said I wanted that, Nathan! You're – we've been friends for so long now, I don't – well, it'd be stupid to throw it away."
He shakes his head at me, looking grim. "So, all we are now is roommates based on a long friendship we had in the past? Nice, Hales. Look, I know that I'm busy and not around much, and yeah, I know that even when I am around I'm usually not here for you, but you're still my best friend. It's funny, but I thought time or distance or busy schedules couldn't change that. Guess I was wrong," he gives me one last long look before turning and walking through the doorway and out of my room.
Out of my life? Maybe.
I should've called him back, asked him to stay and hear me out. Finally tell him the truth. I did none of those things, instead let him walk away from me, finally snapping at my callous treatment of him which was partially a reflex to his treatment of me. We've both wronged each other over the last few years, but I'm honest enough to admit that I have done far worse to him than he's ever done to me. And for what? A crush, that's all. And a few sexual fantasies. Things all in my own head.
I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time, lying instead on my bed crying my eyes out. By the time I was done, it was nearly six am, and I could see it beginning to get light outside. When I wake up, the clock is showing nine am, and I groggily crawl out of bed, still clad in the outfit I wore to the bar last night.
My first instinct is to crawl back under the covers when I hear sounds of Nathan moving around out in the living room or kitchen, but I fight it and grab my phone instead. I punch in Brooke's number, belatedly realizing she's probably not there, but off with Mr. Football Hotshot instead. My theory is confirmed once her answering machine picks up.
"Brooke? It's Haley, I need you to call me as soon as you get home, okay? I need a friend," I sniffle out, feeling so lonely it almost hurts to breathe. "Just call, okay? Love you, hope you got lucky."
"At least that would mean one of us has some luck," I mutter after I hang up the phone. Knowing that it'll be easier if I just go out there now, and get this first 'meeting' out of the way, I throw on some decent clothes and pull my hair back into a ponytail. I have raccoon eyes from the crying, and I wipe that off with some eyewash. Once that is done, I'm put together enough that I feel like I can face him, so I cautiously open my door and walk into the living room.
He's in the kitchen cooking when I find him, his back to me. For a minute I don't say anything. Just watch his movements as he maneuvers through the kitchen, not noticing my presence. My heart melts a little when he gets out two plates and fills them both with eggs and bacon and toast. He finally turns towards me, plate in one hand, glass of juice in the other, and notices my present.
"Uh, hey," he says, and I can tell I've caught him by surprise, "I was just coming to give you breakfast."
"Yeah?" I ask, suddenly shy, "That's really nice of you, Nathan."
"Yeah, well, it's my peace offering," he explains, and I look at him in surprise. "Why the surprise? I can be a good person once in awhile."
"It isn't that," I smile, "I know how good you can be. I'm just surprised you think you need to apologize. I was the one who was wrong last night. I treated you badly, and I deserve anything you have to say to me."
He shakes his head. "That's not true at all. If you're having a hard time with something, I should be a good friend, not an asshole to you. Look, I know I'm not available often, but come on, you have to know that anytime you need to talk, I'm on the phone with you. Anytime."
"I know, Nathan."
"Do you?" he questions intently, "Because I wonder sometimes, and I hate that. I never used to have to wonder about you, Hales, but now I do. And that just sucks major ass."
We sit down at the table, and he pushes a plate of food towards me. I smile briefly at him before engaging in eating and avoiding. It is so stupid that I am sitting here across from him, having the perfect opportunity to just tell him the truth, but I don't. Hell, I know I won't.
"You never answered my question," he reminds me a few minutes later when we're both just pushing the remaining food on our plates around with our forks.
"What question?" I ask absently, my mind having wandered away from our previous topics.
He rolls his eyes at me. "The question of whether or not you really know that I'm always here for you, always at most a phone call away."
"Yeah, Nathan, I said I did, right?"
"You said it, but I don't know if you mean it anymore."
"Nathan," I begin warningly, stopping when he holds his hand up.
"No, hear me out, Hales." I nod my consent and sit back in my chair. "Look, I was lying in bed last night after we had our little discussion, and I realized that we never talk anymore. I mean, I barely know what's going on with you, and you probably barely know what's going on with me, aside from the basics, of course. It is almost graduation, and with a little luck I'll be playing in the NBA and you'll be in med school soon. I just don't want things to get weird between us because we're going to need each other, need our friendship."
"That's not true," I argue, "We know plenty about what's going."
"No, we don't," he sighs, "Look, I don't know if there are any guys you're interested in, and I don't know what you and Brooke do when you're constantly hanging out, and I don't know if you've been to any good parties, or if you're having trouble in any of your classes. And I'd bet decent money you don't know those things about me, either."
"Nathan, we don't have to know every single detail of each other's life, right?"
"We used to!" he exclaims, and I can't help but wonder where this is all coming from all of a sudden, considering he could've brought this up at any time over the last year or so.
"It's impossible to know everything, and I'm sure there've been things we haven't talked about in the past, too. We're just busy people, Nathan. Busier than we've ever been, and we're only going to get busier," I tell him, my voice shaky as I push down the hurt that I also feel over the distance.
"So, let's make it a point for this not to happen, okay? Let's schedule Nathan and Haley time, so that we can re-get to know each other."
A genuine smile crosses my face as I register his words. "Yeah? Really? Because I think that would be really awesome, Nathan." As soon as the words are out of my mouth, though, I begin to regret them. My whole purpose in staying away from him has been to either make my crush go away or to hide it from, since it doesn't seem to be going away. Making plans to spend time with him is really counterproductive in this little crush-hiding quest I have.
"Yeah, really," he laughs, "You're my best friend. You've been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Of course I want to spend time with you and find out everything that's going on with you."
"Well," I begin awkwardly, "I'm glad. It'll, uh, be good for us to do that."
"Yeah, it will," he grins, and my heart breaks a little knowing that there probably isn't much good that can come out of this. As far as I can tell, only two things can happen: I snap, and jump his bones, which would inevitably result in him telling me to get lost, or the other option, which is me backing out and avoiding him more, further alienating him. Both options are viable, and both suck in their own special way.
"So, it's a date then," I agree as amiably as I can, trying to shove the anxiety I feel about this under the surface. I wince at my choice of words, but it is a common enough phrase that Nathan doesn't even blink at the ramifications of that word. Like he'd ever apply it to me, anyway.
"Definitely," he agrees.
"Well," I begin again awkwardly, "I'm glad. It'll, uh, be good for us to do that."
"Yeah, it will," he grins, and my heart breaks a little knowing that there probably isn't much good that can come out of this. As far as I can tell, only two things can happen: I snap, and jump his bones, which would inevitably result in him telling me to get lost, or the other option, which is me backing out and avoiding him more, further alienating him. Both options are viable, and both suck in their own special way.
"Well, let me know when a good time for you is," I tell him, backing away trying to get to my room.
"Oh, I will, don't worry, Hales." I smile weakly at him. "Hey Hales? You know I don't bite, right?" I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. I'm not sure how to respond to that. "Because you're looking at me like I might. Come on, it hasn't been quite that long since we last hung out, has it?"
"No, I guess not," I smile ruefully – and genuinely.
"Alright, so that's something," he laughs, and I can't help it, I laugh, too. What they say about laughter and contagion really is true, sometimes. At least this time it is. Maybe the stress has finally caught up to me and I'm going insane. Well, it isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
My phone rings suddenly, interrupting what is actually a really nice moment for me. For us. He looks a little miffed at the intrusion, but he shrugs and pastes on a smile motioning for me to get it. I turn slowly and walk to my room, grabbing my phone off the bed.
"Hello?"
"What the hell happened to you last night? You sounded like a lost little girl who got separated from her mommy at the mall," she gripes, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry to sound so pathetic. I just had a shitty night after I left, and I was panicking that I'd have an even shittier morning."
"What'd that little fucker do this time?" she asks, knowing immediately what the problem was.
"He didn't really do anything," I admit with a sigh, "He was just waiting up when I got home, and we got into it. But I guess we've patched things up now. We're going to have a 'friends' night soon, supposedly. I guess he's noticed how strained things are between us."
"Well, it's about time," she blithely points out, "I mean, come on, how dense is he that he's just now figuring it out?"
"It isn't that he hadn't noticed, it's more that he's finally saying sometime, I think," I tell her, rationalizing things.
"Bullshit!" she exclaims, "God, Haley, I love you and everything, but you are pathetic when it comes to him."
"Gee, thanks, Brooke, I can't possibly hear that frequently enough."
"Look, I'm not saying it to be rude, I'm just saying it because it is true, ya know? You put yourself out there for him time and again, and time and again, what does he do? Screws you over, that's what!"
"Come on, Brooke, it isn't like that and you know it."
"What exactly do you think it's like then?" she retorts, her voice tinged with disbelief, "Because from where I'm standing, it looks like he's a jerk who has totally ditched you over the years. And that is coming directly from you, Hales."
I shake my head, wondering how I screwed everything up, even her perception of Nathan. "He's not as bad as you think. As I've made you think," I tell her, "And I was wrong to do that."
"What the hell? I can't believe you're forgetting how bad and how many times he's hurt you, Haley James!"
"It wasn't intentional on his part; not like it was on mine when I hurt him all of these times."
"What are you talking about?" she asks softly.
"I'm talking about the fact that I've purposely pulled away from him, not even being a friend to him, when I knew it would hurt him. When a part of me maybe wanted to hurt him. Definitely did," I amend, knowing better.
"Hales, come on, you're being too hard on yourself."
"What? How is that even possible? I mean, yeah, he doesn't reciprocate my feelings of intense love or lust, but it isn't like he's doing it to hurt me, you know?" She doesn't say anything. "Listen, Brookie, I totally appreciate that you are one hundred percent on my side and all, but I don't deserve it."
"Well, he doesn't deserve your newfound understanding, either," she argues, "I mean, what? He pouts once and all is forgiven? That's lame."
"He didn't do anything that I need to forgive, Brooke," I reason, "I was the one who hurt him, who pushed him away. And it was just out of jealousy."
"Fine," she huffs, "But when he screws you over again, puts you on the back shelf to collect dust, don't say I didn't warn you."
"I wouldn't dream of it," I assure her, laughing. I feel better for having talked to her as well as Nathan. "So, how was your night? Bag the football player?"
"Do I ever fail in my quest for worthy sexual partners?" she giggles back at me.
"So he was worthy?" I ask, shaking my head.
"Have you seen his body? Oh, yeah, he was just as worthy as he looks." Huh, if he were even half as worthy as he looked, he'd be about the worthiest guy ever, so I guess this is a real feat.
"When are you seeing him again?" I ask, guessing she'll say tonight.
"Oh, he's here now, in the shower. I'd have joined him, but I had to call you back. You're a cock blocker and you didn't even know it," she gripes, but I can tell she's not upset.
"Please, like I'm stopping you. Go, have your fun. Tell me all about it later," I instruct her, laughing as she hangs up without saying another word. "So Brooke-ish," I smile to myself as I toss the phone back on the bed.
I crawl back on the bed myself, reaching over only to grab a bottle of aspirin. I'm not drastically hungover, but I can feel a bit of a headache, so I pop a couple. Jumpy, I nearly drop the bottle when Nathan knocks on the door.
"Come on in," I tell him, smiling a little as he walks through the door.
"Hey, how about tonight?"
"Tonight what?" I ask absently, sorting through my textbooks deciding which class to study for first.
"Tonight for us to hang out, the Nathan slash Haley date," he reminds me in a 'duh' voice, "Did you forget already?"
"No, of course not. Sorry, I was just thinking of all this studying I should do; I wasted a lot of time last night, stupidly."
He rolls his eyes at me. "I know you're at least two weeks ahead on reading your assigned chapters, and you've probably got notes typed up and saved on your computer for those chapters, too. Needing to do reading is not going to get you out of hanging out with me tonight, got it?"
"I wouldn't dream of trying," I grin, finally feeling relaxed and happy in his presence again.
"Good, be ready at 7. We're going to a basketball party for a few minutes. I promised the guys I'd stop by, but I also told them we would only stay a few minutes." He looks at me weird for a second. "Did you know that Justin has a crush on you?" he asks about the center on his basketball team like it is the oddest thing in the world, "I mean, he's smarter than I give him credit for, I guess."
I laugh when he winks at me. "Oh, Scott, you saved yourself on that one."
"Yeah, I'm good, aren't I?" he grins, clearly proud of himself. "So, did you know he likes you?"
"No, Nate, how would I know that? I mean, I've only met him three or four times," I remind him.
"Well, he knows a good thing when he sees it."
"What do you want?" I ask suspiciously, "You're falling into your sweet talking mode that you only use when you want something, so what is it?"
"Oh, like I have to want something just because I compliment you," he smirks, "I've known you since you were eating dirt on the playground, and you're trying to tell me you have reason to believe the only time I've complimented you was when I needed or wanted something from you? That hurts, Hales, that hurts bad."
I roll my eyes at him. "Nathan, face it, I'm not exactly at the top of your compliment list," I point out, not bitterly or unkindly, though. Just matter-of-factly. "I mean, it's not like you diss me or anything, but it's not often you tell me how great I am."
"You are," he asserts quietly, and he looks about as serious as I've ever seen him, "If I don't tell you that enough – hell, ever – then I'm a fucking bastard. Because you're great, Hales."
I blush, covering it by reaching over and pulling him into a tight hug. "You're great, too, Nathan. Now," I begin, pulling away, "If we're done with the warm fuzzies, I'll get some studying done so that we can go to that party of yours."
"I mean it!" he exclaims, "Don't play it off like I am just saying it, okay?"
"Nate, I'm not. I just have to do some studying before we go out to that basketball party that we both know we'll end up staying at way longer than a few minutes. Which is fine, but I have to do some studying now. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay," he agrees sheepishly, "Sorry for freaking out. I just don't want you to feel underappreciated in any way. I know how great you are, and I know how much you have to offer. Don't think I don't."
"I won't," I promise, holding up my fingers in the Scout's Honor position.
He winks and walks out of the room, leaving me alone in a room filled with books and the regrets of missed opportunities.
"Come on, Nathan, just one more drink!" I plead over my shoulder to him, giggling as one of Nathan's basketball friends pats me on the ass on his way by. Nathan glares at him, which just serves to make me giggle harder at his protectiveness.
"I think you've had enough, baby," he murmurs in my ear as he reaches around me and grabs the cup out of my hand before I get a chance to raise it to my lips.
I shiver at the heady combination of his proximity and the alcohol coursing through my body. It's too much, and I can't even form a coherent reply, so I just let him spin me around and drag me out of the party.
"Okay," he sighs when he gets me outside a few minutes later, "You're too drunk to do much else tonight. Want to head back to the apartment?"
"No," I laugh, twirling around in a circle, my arms spread wide, "I don't want to go back there. Everything is so real there."
He furrows his brow in confusion. "Real? What does that mean? That this is some fantasy candyland?"
"Yes, that's exactly what it is," I tease, "Take a bite out of that tree, it's really fudge."
"Okay, drunk-o," he laughs, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with him, "You know what I mean. Why are things more real at home than out here?"
"Nathan," I sing-song, "Let's talk about YOU instead. Let's talk about where Suzie is tonight. I thought we'd bump into her at the party."
"Where'd thoughts of her come from?" he wonders.
I shrug, "I dunno, she's just usually at basketball parties, right? I mean, isn't that how you met her?"
He nods. "Yeah, well, she's not always everywhere I am, Hales. We can be apart for a night, you know."
"I never said you couldn't."
"Okay."
"Okay," I repeat, shivering slightly as we walk slowly across the street.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you," he says finally as he shrugs off his jacket. I smile gratefully as I put it on. "I didn't mean to; and I didn't even have a reason, you know?"
"Okay."
"Quit saying 'okay'," he commands.
"You said it first," I point out rather immaturely.
"Haley," he sighs, grabbing my arm so that I stop with him when he comes to a stand still. "Come on, let's walk down to the beach."
"What? Now? We'd have to hop the fence, you know they close it for the night."
"So?" he grins.
"So, I'm wearing a skirt, you buffoon, I'm not climbing any fences unless we're running from the cops. Not that I'm giving you permission to have us do something over which we may need to run from the cops, though."
"Oh, get over it, I'll help you. We'll just have to make sure you're not too drunk and stumbly by the time we get there, huh?"
"Hey, I never stumble," I counter, elbowing him in the side. "I'm the picture of grace and elegance, didn't ya know?"
"You tripped at graduation when you were walking across the stage to get your diploma," he reminds me, "And I know for a fact that you were perfectly sober."
"Oh, that was just one time," I snort, feeling my face flame at the reminder. I was so glad that high school was over after doing that.
"One time? One time? Have you been smoking crack because you're clearly losing brain cells at an exponential rate if you think you can say that and believe it!"
"Hey," I protest, "I might fall or stumble once in awhile, but you make it sound like it's once a day occurrence or something!"
"Well, that's not that far off," he reasons, grinning as we approach the fence. He chuckles knowingly when he sees the look of trepidation on my face. "You can do it, Hales. I'm here to help, too."
"I don't want to fall, Nathan. It's just sand, but it'd still suck to fall on," I half-whine to him.
"I'll catch you," he promises in that self-assured almost cocky tone of his, "I'd never let you fall, Hales."
I frown at him, but give in now, rather than later. We both know I would eventually, anyway. I watch as he quickly climbs up and over the fence, hopping down to safely land on the opposite side. "You make it look so easy," I grump at him.
"Hey, it'll be easy for you, too," he assures me, "Just go slow, and be careful when you get to the top."
I start climbing, grimacing as it shakes under my weight. "Nathan, do you remember what happened the first time I tried to climb a fence?"
When he starts laughing, I can tell he does. "I caught you, didn't I?" he reminds me, still chuckling, "It wasn't that bad."
"Nathan, the pocket got caught and tore off, exposing half my ass. I was sixteen, and every guy on the basketball team saw my damn panties that day."
"Well, they were cute panties," he grins, as I lift first one foot and then the other over, gritting my teeth in nervousness.
"Nathan, that is beside the point. This whole conversation is beside the point anyway, since you are only trying to distract me so I make it down okay."
"It worked, didn't it?" he grins my feet hit the ground, all on my own.
"Huh, it did," I marvel, "I'll never doubt you again."
"You never should've in the first place," he tells me, again grabbing my hand. Nathan hasn't been this touchy-feely with me in months if not years; I can't really explain what has come over him today.
"It's peaceful out here at night," I comment as we make our way over to some large pieces of driftwood to sit on, "It's a bitch getting here, but it might just be worth it."
"And…," he prompts.
"And?"
"And you were going to say how incredibly awesome the company is, too, right? I know you weren't forgetting that part, Haley Jo James."
"Don't call me that, Nathaniel Daniel Scott."
"Hey! I used your fake middle name, don't bust out with my real one. I hate my damn name," he pouts.
"I didn't name you. It's not my fault your parents didn't have the foresight to realize that a child's first and middle names should never, ever rhyme!"
"Yeah, even if for nothing else, that's probably pretty hate-worthy, huh?" I blink at him in surprise: it has been a long time since he's brought up his parents and the resentment he holds toward them.
"Have you talked to either of them lately?" I ask quietly.
He shakes his head. "Well, you see them at the games, I'm sure, but they've seemed to have gotten the message that I want nothing to do with either of them. They've stopped approaching me."
"Is that good or bad?"
He snorts out a laugh. "With them? Always a good thing, and you know it." And I do know it. I've known that Nathan needed to be away from those two soul-suckers since the very first time I met them when I was five.
"Still doesn't make it any easier, though."
"Sure it does. It'd be even easier if they didn't come around here period, but they do. As long as they don't talk to me, I'm not going to have that big of a problem with it."
"Your mom loves you," I tell him for the millionth time. It's true, Deb Scott does love her son, but Deb Scott also loves herself more. And that facet of her personality has been proven time and time again when she'd choose herself or Dan over Nathan's well-being.
"It's not enough, Hales," he says sadly, shaking his head, "She'll never really love me in the way your parents love you. You know, enough to intercede."
"She's weak," I agree, "And Dan will always come first. She does love you, though. It might not be that much, but it is something to hang onto. She just doesn't know how to show it."
"Well, it'll never be enough, will it?" he asks rhetorically, "And even if it was, it's too little too late. Just once when I was still stuck living there she could've stepped in when Dan was pushing me, and Hales, she didn't. Never. Not even one time. How hard would that have been?"
I scoot closer to him, pressing my body into his, trying to absorb some of his pain. "You're right," I agree, "It would've been easy enough, and she owed it to you. And she's going to pay the price for the rest of her life – she's the one missing out."
He shifts so that he can wrap his arms around me, pulling me onto his lap. "Thank you for being my friend."
"You don't have to thank me for that," I whisper against his neck.
"Yeah, I do. I'm so screwed up, Hales, I know I'm not really people's first choice in friends. Unless they think that my basketball will get them something. But you, you've always been my friend, despite all the shit I've done to people over the years."
"You're not a bad guy, Nathan," I tell him, desperate for him to believe it, "You don't always make good decisions, but you're not as bad as you want people to think."
"Yeah, maybe." I can feel him withdrawing emotionally although he doesn't pull away from me physically. I shiver involuntarily when he starts to trace patterns on the bare skin of my back where my shirt rode up.
"Nathan," I whisper, trailing off when his hand slides further up my back, fiddling with the clasp on my bra.
"Hmm?" he murmurs, still fiddling with the clasp but not unhooking it. "It feels good to be out here with you, Hales."
I breathe deeply of his scent knowing I should pull away. Things are getting too heated, too close to the fire, and I can feel that he is as turned on as I am. "What are we doing?" I ask in a hushed, breathless voice even as I move to straddle his lap. My breath releases in a hiss when he pulls me tight to him, thrusting up against me.
"We're just holding each other," he whispers back, his voice as breathless as mine. I tighten my hold on him at the feel of his lips and tongue on my neck. "You smell good, Hales. Taste good, too."
"Mmm, thank you." I've wanted this – him – for so long now that I can barely remember a time when I didn't want it. The alcohol is still heating my insides, and now Nathan is making me burn on the outside. Everywhere he touches is like a trail of fire.
I gasp when he gently bites the skin he's exposed near my collarbone. He chuckles deep in his throat and sends his hands gliding down to my hips, holding me against him.
There are a million reasons that we need to stop immediately at the very least. At least half of them are really damn good ones, too, like him having a girlfriend and my feelings for him not being reciprocated. I can practically hear Brooke whispering in my ear how stupid I'm being, how careless, but I can't stop. I can't stop my hands from sliding up under his shirt to caress his chest, and I can't stop them when they pull it off entirely.
I don't stop him when his slide under my skirt, skimming my inner thighs. I moan softly, my hands reflexively traveling to his belt, which I quickly unbuckle and pull off. I work on the button on his jeans as he pulls my hands away so that he can get my shirt and bar off.
"So gorgeous, Hales," he murmurs as he stares at my bare chest. Even in the darkness, the beach only being lit by the moon now, I still blush at his intense perusal.
"Nathan," I sigh, trying to bring my arms up to cover myself.
"Don't," he says harshly, pushing my arms down to my sides before repeating in a calmer, gentler tone, "Don't. Haley, you're gorgeous. You're so beautiful, never hide yourself."
Laughing in embarrassment, I joke, "So I should pose for Playboy?"
He captures my hands behind my back and leans back as far as he can to look at me. "No, but you shouldn't be embarrassed. Ever."
He's so serious and so earnest that I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I blink them back. He pulls me tight to him, so that our bare chests are pushed together. I gasp at the contact, melting against him when his hands again travel under my skirt, skimming the lacy edge of my panties.
"Nathan," I moan, sliding my hand down his chest inside his boxers, "God, what the hell are we doing?"
"If you don't know, then you must've been lying on those truths in Truth or Dare," he whispers, his breath hot in the valley of my cleavage.
"You know what I mean," I groan, dipping my head to kiss and nip at his neck.
"We're just doing what feels good, Haley Baby," he pauses to grin at me before dropping his head back down to tease and torment me further. "God, I want you. And I know you want me, I can feel it, I can taste it."
I don't think he even knows the half of how bad I want him, not really. But there's no need to convince him of it now as he sets me off him and spreads out his jacket over the sand and pulls me down with him on it. He lays me gently on my back, pressing me down into the sand with the weight of his body.
My last coherent thought is that he hasn't once kissed me on the lips, but as he kisses the rest of my body, all thoughts, coherent or otherwise, flee.
We stayed at the beach for a little while, just holding and caressing each other. It's sweet and intimate, and I have never been so happy for a warm spring as I am now. But the cold does eventually drive us to head back to the apartment. When we get there, he pulls me into his room with him, and we take each other's clothes off again and make love. Have sex. Whatever it is we are doing.
I fell asleep in his bed, so when I wake up in mine, it's disconcerting to say the least. A feeling of dread is quick to develop in the pit of my stomach, and I feel sick. Disgusted. Mostly with myself – I should've seen this coming.
I jump out of bed and throw on a t-shirt and pair of jeans, ready to confront him. How dare he use me like I'm one of his groupie whores? I slam my door open and storm down the hall. I barrel into his room without bothering to knock, but he's not there.
"Nathan!" I holler, "Where the hell are you?"
I'm greeted only by silence, though, and a note taped to the TV. Knowing that there is nothing in that note that could possibly make me feel better, I just stare at it. Gathering my strength, I grab it off the TV and unfold it.
Hales,
Had to run out, thought you'd be more comfortable in your own bed. See you soon,
NateI can't believe he just ditched me like this. Just left me here after what we did last night without even telling me where he was going. The fact that he moved me back into my own room speaks volumes, though. I don't even know what to do. If he'd been here, I'd have probably yelled at him, but now? Now I just have this strong urge to run and not look back, hide from him for as long as possible.
The door flies open, and I'm relieved to see that it's Brooke, barging in as she always does, instead of Nathan.
"Oh, God, what happened?" she questions the second she sees me.
"Nathan. He – I – we, oh, Brooke, I messed up. I'm so stupid, and now everything is messed up." I fight to keep the tears out of my eyes. "Brooke, we had sex. A bunch of times. Oh, God, and he was gone this morning when I woke up, and he'd moved me into my room, and he never once all night kissed me on the mouth." By the end of my tirade, I'm crying in earnest.
Brooke immediately moves to me and puts her arms around me. "Oh, Hales, I can't believe you guys did it," she sighs, "I figured you would at some point, but I didn't think it'd be like this."
"Like what? Like he'd fuck and run on me? Because I didn't either. I figured he'd at least make some shitty excuse up to my face, but he doesn't even have the courtesy to do that, does he?"
Brooke moves away from me, and I can tell by the look on her face that she has something to tell me. "I'm sorry this happened, Hales," she says, pushing her hair out of her eyes.
"Yeah, me too," I spit out bitterly. "Just say it."
"Say what?"
"I told you so. Because you did. You told me exactly what he'd do to me if I gave him the chance, and he did it one hundred percent. God, Brooke, he has been my best friend since we were in kindergarten! How could he treat me like I'm poo on the bottom of his shoe?"
"He doesn't even know what he's missing, Hales," she says, trying to be comforting.
"Well," I snort, "That's not exactly true anymore, is it? I showed him exactly what he is, or as the case obviously is, isn't missing. He left, Brooke. He kicked me out of his room and he left without a word. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it?"
She shakes her head. "I am so kicking his ass. How dare he do this you? How dare he?" She glances around the apartment. "Well, get your stuff. Let's go."
"What?" I ask, puzzled.
"Well, you aren't staying here with that piece of shit. Come on," she repeats, grabbing my arm and pulling me down the hall, "Let's grab some of your stuff and get you out of here. We can come get the rest sometime when we know he'll be gone for awhile."
I know she's right – I need to not be here or around him right now, so I wordlessly agree, pulling out a bag and stuffing the essentials in it. I don't bother with clothes knowing Brooke will lend me whatever I need, so I mainly throw in toiletries and school stuff.
"I can't believe I'm doing this."
"Doing what?" she asks, "Leaving?" I nod. "Well, why not? I mean, why stay here in a place that is only going to remind you of everything that went wrong with Nathan? Come stay with me and at least have fun for our last month of undergrad studies and not worry about ex-friends and morons, okay?"
"Yeah, you're right," I agree, "I need to move on and put this behind me as quickly as possible. There's just no point in dwelling over something that will never be and something that will never be the same again, right?"
She nods, and I again see she wants to say something else. I give her a 'look' and she sighs. "Okay, I have to tell you this – I really don't want to, but I have to be the one to do it."
"Oh, God, what? Did Mr. Football Player move in with you? Am I going to have to sleep on the deck or in the bathtub?" I joke, feeling a little better for it.
She shakes her head, looking nervous. I know immediately whatever she's going to tell me is bad, and I'm not going to like it. "Nathan is engaged."
I blink at her, thinking she must be kidding. "You're kidding, right? Really, what do you have to tell me, because I thought you said that Nathan was engaged, and I know that can't possibly be true."
She sighs, looking away. "It was in the paper this morning. A wedding notice. Maybe it was an error or maybe they changed their minds after they placed it."
The sick feeling in my stomach returns. "Engaged?" I echo dully, "How could he be engaged? And if it was in the paper this morning, then that means he was engaged last night."
She nods jerkily. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you, but I didn't want you to find out from anyone else. I hope I was right to tell me."
I look at her sharply. "I'd have killed you if you kept this from me. Come on, let's get the hell out of her. I never want to see this place or him again."
She grabs one of the bags I've thrown together and walks out of the apartment. "You coming?" she calls back to me.
"Yeah," I nod, "In a second." She nods back at me and makes her way to the car. I watch her go and then turn around in the doorway and look back inside the place I've lived for the last few years with my 'best friend'. "I can't believe this is how everything ends," I whisper to myself before slamming the door shut.
I'm not sorry when I hear glass shattering as I slammed it hard enough to knock something off the wall, and the petty side of me hopes it is the picture we hung our first day here – the picture of us at Nathan's sixth birthday party.
I walk off and don't look back once.