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Chapter Four – Gift of Screws
On the second day that Luke was here, when I woke up and had half-forgotten he was here only to find him in the kitchen cooking, he told me things would get easier. It seemed like a lunatic comment at the time, but over the past month, things have gotten easier.
He was right, though, not that I'm particularly inclined to tell him that. But things have gotten easier. It doesn't hurt to breathe as much or as often anymore, and now that I've got the ball rolling and have an agent, at least I know where I stand. That isn't the best part, since teams are even less likely to take a shot on a violent, shorter white guy. At least now I know where I stand, and I can consider other options. Jack Carson, the guy I assaulted, had agreed to drop the charges after some pressing by my lawyer, so my legal troubles were even over. In some ways, it almost seemed too easy.
Not everything has fallen into place. Haley still won't talk to me, and things with Lucas go from tolerable to awful. But at the end of the day, I can put Haley out of my head knowing I'm doing the right thing by giving her the space she wanted, and I'm grateful to Luke for being here. Even though it is tense and sometimes we can't talk without yelling, he's pushing me towards getting my act together, and I'm grateful. It is exactly what I need right now.
There are rumors of my fight circulating, and a few of the larger stations have ran with it, but even Mr. Carson decided it would be in his best interest to stay quiet about it, which is a relief. Johnny, the slick bastard that Luke talked me into retaining for my agent, has been getting a lot of calls about it, and he's doing his best to control the damage, but it doesn't look like it will do much good. I really shot myself in the foot on this one. Maybe it's a shame that I can't bring myself to care more, but it doesn't bother me much knowing I might not have a future in basketball.
Things are generally fine, though. Nothing is great, but aside from the situation with Haley, nothing is too awful either. I'm actually looking forward to the graduation ceremony today, despite the fact that Dan and Mom have shown up. I asked that they didn't, but they're both here citing "big news" to share with me. The way this family works, I've probably got another poor bastard of a sibling out there somewhere they want to tell me about. Or else Dan wants to kick my ass for kicking that dude's ass. Anything is possible
It doesn't matter, though, and not even their presence can ruin the opportunity I have with Haley today. Her parents and siblings are also here for graduation, and they invited me to go out to dinner with them. I should've known that Haley wouldn't want them to know that she and I are on the outs, and figuring I'd at least have a chance to see her this way, I quickly accepted.
After the confrontation the weekend after everything went down, I've spent most of my free time trying to figure how I can fix this mess that I've created. There doesn't seem to be any clear cut way of going about it, so I'm kind of pinning my hopes on proximity and the chance to remind her why she was friends – more than friends – with me.
Luke is still here, following me around like a pesky little bug, trying to get me to agree to go out partying tonight. He says it will do me good, but in some ways, that's what got me here, and I don't need to go through anything like that again. I might be playing it safe, but it's better than being sorry. There's no need to run the risk of making things worse.
"Hey, that last bruise is completely gone," Luke comments when I walk into the living room, referring the dark purple knot that I'd had on my forehead.
I gingerly press my fingers to where it was, wincing at the dull throbbing it induces. "Still tender, though," I shrug.
"Well, it looks better. You ready for today?" he grins, and I wonder what's got him in such a good mood. Especially since he knows Dan will be around, I'd have figured he wouldn't give a shit about today.
"Yeah, I guess. It'll be nice to have school be officially over, I think." I'm not really sure how I feel about the end of college, though. In some ways I know that it is best for me to have to move on, grow up, but at the same time, it has been such a mostly great experience here that I'm sad to leave. Plus, everything is so uncertain and unstable right now that I'm nervous.
"That's what I thought, too, last December. And then I woke up and realized I'd have to get a job, and suddenly college seemed a whole lot more appealing than the real world."
"And yet, here you are, again languishing in the life of a college student," I remark dryly, pulling down a box of cereal to munch out of.
He shrugs, grinning widely. "Well, they were my glory days, figured I'd give them another go-round, you know?"
"You're pathetic, man," I toss back, enjoying the banter that has begun to flow a little easier between us. I'm still not quite sure why he's still here, but after the first week, I stopped questioning it and he stopped looking quite as wary around me. I assume he'll tell me when he's ready, or when I can't take not knowing anymore.
"Yeah, well, someone has to whip your sorry ass into shape, right?" he banters back, chuckling when I toss a handful of cereal at him.
"Hah, I bet you're just here to piss Dan the Man off when he shows his sorry ass," I retort, immediately sorry I mentioned his name. A dark look passes over Luke's face before he attempts to paste a smile back on. "Man, I'm sorry, I should know that he – and his name – are a mood killer, by now."
"Don't worry about it," he says, shrugging it off. I can tell it bothers him that I mentioned his name, though. On the surface, you'd think it would be easier for Luke to hate Dan, since he was the neglected one, the discarded one, but I'm beginning to think that because I never have to wonder if things could've been different, it is easier for me. "Uh, I know I've asked this a thousand times, but they aren't staying here, right?"
"No, God, of course not. I don't even want to be around my mother for more than the time it takes for them to ridicule and annoy me, let alone Dan. And together? God, they're atrocious," I assure with a shudder.
He snorts back a laugh. "So what are the plans for today exactly?"
"Graduation this afternoon, obviously, and spending the rest of the evening avoiding Mom and Dan. Oh, and uh, Haley's parents invited me out to dinner with them, and I accepted," I expel this last part in a rush, hoping he's not going to quiz me on it.
"What?" he drawls out slowly. "I must be having trouble with my ears, because I thought you just said you were going out to dinner with Haley's family. But surely my ears were deceiving me, because I know you wouldn't do that."
"What's so bad about going out to dinner with them?" I ask, knowing exactly what he's going to say, "I've known her parents forever, and they love me. Hell, I like them more than I like my own parents, and her siblings are practically my siblings. One of her nephews calls me 'Uncle Nate'."
"Hey, that's nice and all," he sighs, "But she's not going to like it. You do realize that part of it, right?"
"Oh, yeah, I get it," I sigh, "But how am I supposed to apologize if I never get the chance to see her?"
"Let her come to you," he suggests, "Don't you think that she will, sooner or later?"
I roll my eyes. "Doubtful. Haley James is about as stubborn as they come, and if she thinks she's right about something – well, which she is in this case – then she'll hold onto that righteousness for as long as she can. I guarantee it."
"But pushing her is going to be a better option?" he questions, shrugging apologetically when I frown, "Sorry, but I'm just thinking that you're doing the right thing by giving her space. If you push too hard, you might make her run."
"Yeah, well, it wouldn't be any worse than things are now," I reply tersely, wishing he'd just leave this subject alone and not try and tell me what to do. "I've got to do this my way, and frankly, I think I know Haley better than you do. I know what will work for her and me."
"Fine, fine," he agrees, holding his hands up in surrender, "Nathan knows best, yeah, I got it. Can I just go on record and say that this is a typically selfish Nathan thing to do? Because it is."
"God, can you ever let anything go? And this really isn't any of your concern, you know," I grumble, getting irritated with him. "I just want to talk to her, and you can't even be supportive of that? What gives?"
"I saw her," he blurts out. I don't know what to say, so I just end up opening and closing my mouth a few times. "Three Saturdays ago. I went over to her friend's house. She doesn't want to see you or talk to you. You should respect that, Nathan."
I shake my head at him. "I can't fucking believe you, Luke! How dare you get into my business like this! It has absolutely nothing to do with you, but you're still sticking your big nose into every fucking aspect of my life! Where do you get off?"
"Where do I get off? Where the hell do you get off?" he retorts angrily, "I was just trying to help you out, and what do I get in return? Your dumb ass yelling at me over nothing! Absolutely nothing!"
I exhale, taking in his words. "I don't get it. Why would you go see her? You guys aren't friends, and she doesn't even like you very much."
"Well, she doesn't like you at all right now, so I guess it doesn't make much of a difference which one of us visits her, huh?"
I feel so defeated when we talk about Haley. It's like this hopeless situation that there is no resolution for. I've done everything wrong in regards to her for awhile now, and maybe this is just my price to pay. While a part of me agrees with Luke, that it would be smart to give Haley her space now, I can't. I know that the longer I let her push me away, angry, the less likely the chance that I'll be able to save our friendship. And that's all I really care about.
"I can't stay away from her, man," I tell him, my voice sounding pathetic and hollow, "The more space she has, the more time she has to get angry to the point where she'll never speak with me again."
He nods, glancing away. "I guess it isn't such a bad idea to at least try." I nod. "Yeah, you should do it then. Push her a little, see if she gives you anything."
I shake my head, sighing. "I wish I didn't have to push her. I wish things had never gotten to this point. They shouldn't have, you know."
"Yeah, but you can't go back, so you're just going to have to deal with what did happen." He shrugs, contemplating what to say. "Just tell her the truth, man."
"What truth?" I ask, unsure of what he's referring to. I definitely haven't told him anything about Haley that I'd necessarily need to tell her.
"That you love her," he says simply, laughing at the expression on my face. "What?" he smirks, "You do, even I can see that."
"She's my friend," I sputter, "My best friend, of course I love her." I glare at him, "Some days she's the only family I'm willing to acknowledge."
He snorts. "Please, like friendship is all you feel for her? Get over yourself and be honest with someone about something for a change. I know that's a novel concept for a lying martyr like yourself, but it isn't that hard."
"Lying martyr?" I echo, ignoring his more than friendship jibe, "What are you talking about? How the hell do you get that I'm like that?"
"Because you are. Because you act like it. Because you fuck up, and then when someone tries to fix things for you, or help you, you refuse and load it all on yourself. And then you inevitably play it like you had such a burden."
"Is that really the definition of martyrdom?" I question, evading this subject altogether, if possible.
"You know what I mean," he reasons, staring at me unflinchingly as I glare at him, "And you know I'm right. You cause problems, let people step into fix it, and then you twist it around so that you somehow look like the good guy, the hero. Pretty funny how that works, huh?"
"Luke, I don't even know what you're talking about," I sigh, rubbing a hand wearily over my eyes, wincing when I hit a still-tender spot on my face. "I've never wanted to be or considered myself a hero. You know that."
He rolls his eyes at me, not buying my words. "Even now, you're going to sit there and lie," he sighs, "Pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about when we both know you do. You know exactly what I'm talking about."
I shake my head, adopting a cocky smirk on my face. "Nope, you're going to have to spell it out for me, I guess. I'm the dumb one, remember?"
"Knock it off. That's exactly what I'm talking about, anyway. Jesus," he mutters, "You want an example?" I nod. "Okay, how about all this basketball shit?"
"What?" I ask sharply, a little surprised he'd go here, especially on a day when we might need to present something of a unified front against Dan.
"You heard me," he growls out irritably, squinting – as he frequently does – at me, "Basketball. You might've blown your chances, and what do you do? Act like you never really wanted it anyway. Act like it hasn't been the main focus of your life for almost eighteen years. Acting like you're better for not going further with it, like it makes you better that you'll have to fall back on your education."
"Why does it always come back to basketball with us?" I ask, sincerely curious about this, "How, at the end of the day, is that the biggest thing between us?"
"It isn't," he sighs, "What's between us is everything, and basketball is just like a microcosm of that. It's easy to see, it's easy to point out, and it doesn't hurt as bad as some of the other stuff."
He's right, I know he is. I understand what he means. A part of me doesn't understand why basketball is the one thing we can always have a knock down drag out over, though. "It's just what we hide behind," I say as comprehension dawns, "I never thought about it until now."
He nods. "It's easier to say aloud that we hated each other because of basketball," he agrees, and I take note of his use of past tense, "Than it ever would've been to say we hated each other because of resentments over Dan."
"Well, now we can argue over which one of us hates him more," I chuckle, only half-joking. "Which one of us he's done worse by."
"Clearly me," he challenges, "I mean, he abandoned me, and wouldn't have cared less if I'd died in a freak stroller accident or on the playground or electrocuted during and lightning storm."
"You never had to live with the ass, and he only cared about me in terms of the status I brought to him," I argue, fervent in my belief that is worse than being ignored, "I was there with him for sixteen years while he sucked the life out of me. Plus I had the added bonus of my mom either being gone most of the time – to avoid him, no doubt – or when she was actually there, they fought over her affairs and his eternal love for your mother. She gave almost as small a shit for me as he did. Life was great, really great."
"He said that he loved my mom?" he asks, his tone quiet and deadly, which confuses me, considering what's gone on between Dan and Karen in recent years.
I shrug. "He never said it, but my mom did. That was one of her weapons, to call my dad out for being "stuck" with her when he really wanted Karen all along." I shrug again, seeing no reason to hide anything from him. "He never denied it, though, not once. But that could've been something he did to piss Mom off."
"I don't get these people," he sighs, shaking his head, "Do you think we were ever anything more than pawns to them?"
"You were," I remind him, "You were a lot more to your mom and Keith."
"Well, Keith is gone," he points out tersely, "And my mom, she's pushing me to not hate Dan, and then they – well, you know, and it just isn't the same anymore."
"I used to hate my mom for leaving because I didn't understand. And then after the steroids incident, Haley helped me get emancipated. Your mom just doesn't know what hell her - and your – life would've been if Dan had chosen her," I shrug, "And maybe there's a part of her that still thinks Dan's not Beelzebub himself, and wants that shot with him. Crazy, but kind of understandable."
"No way," he denies hotly, "Her turning around and fucking Dan after Keith dies isn't understandable! It's stupid, and dangerous, but never understandable!"
"I'm not disagreeing with you, man, I'm just saying that I kind of see where she's coming from. She thought she was missing out on something all this time, but she didn't know she got off easy."
"She's so stupid. Hell, I'm so stupid. All those years when she and Keith told me that I was lucky, better off without him, and then Keith is gone, Dan sniffs around, and she jumps right into bed with him? How could I have thought she was better than that? How couldn't I have known?"
"How does anyone know anything? Hell, I couldn't even put two and two together that sleeping with Haley was a bad idea, so don't be so hard on yourself. What happened with your mom and Dan wasn't your decision to make, anyway."
He nods, and I can see from his stance that this discussion is basically over. "Well, you better go, doesn't graduation start soon?" I glance at the clock, groaning in acknowledgement when I see the time. "Break a leg up there. Be sure to give Danny boy a big hug and kiss for me," he snickers.
I flip him off as I head for the door, grabbing the cap and gown I'm refusing to put on until the last minute. He laughs as he follows me into the living, plopping down on my couch. "I might bring Mommy Dearest and Daddy home after the ceremony," I taunt him, laughing when he blanches. "Okay, fine, I wouldn't do that to anyone, but it was worth saying I would to see your face."
This time he's the one to flip me off, and I laugh, walking out the door. "Some jokes aren't funny, you asshole!" he calls to me as I leave.
It's just a ten minute walk to campus, but I still consider taking my car, deciding against it when I realize that would just make it easier for my parents to try and finagle their way back here.
I see Haley later that afternoon. She's in a large group with her family, Brooke, and Jake. None of them see me, which is probably a good thing, and I just walk on by to find my parents and get this part of the day over as painlessly as possible. It hurts, though, to see her laughing, and knowing that Brooke and Jake get to fill my former role in her life. I miss being her best friend, and I miss having her as mine. It is really hard not to run over there and pull her in my arms and do whatever it takes, whatever she needs to forgive me.
And Jake. I just can't get past the image of her sitting on his lap, laughing at something he said. That was – I don't know why, but that bothered me. It bothered me to the point that I'm still bothered by it, and that doesn't really seem fair, not to him and not to Haley. It just hurt that when he whispered in her ear, she nodded and did what he told her. She trusts him, something I know she doesn't have for me anymore.
Seeing my parents, my thoughts are dragged away from Haley and the messy situation that I've created. I almost groan aloud at the rigid posture in my dad's body, knowing that whatever is bothering him is more than likely aimed at me, and I will hear about it. Mom looks equally uncomfortable being here, and it kind of reinforces what I told Luke earlier about neither of them really caring about me. They're just too focused on themselves and their own lives for trivial things like their children. Some things never change.
"Nathan," my mom says when they finally notice me. She tries to force a smile on her face, but she can't even muster that much.
"Hi Mom," I sigh, weary already of being around them. "How was the trip here?"
"It was fine," she answers, glancing at Dan warningly, so I know something is up with them. I just don't have the energy to figure out what it is.
"Fine?" he echoes, grinning. A grin from Dan is rarely a sincere gesture of happiness. It's usually a gesture of "I'm going to blow you and your lies out of the water now'. Everything about this man is malicious and uncaring, but I've gotten used to him the pathetic way he is over the years. "By fine, Nathaniel, your mother means short. She was already a few towns over anyway, staying with yet another in the countless line of her lovers."
I stare at him, unable to respond to this bit of information. Mom nervously flutters beside him, glaring at him before turning pleading eyes on me. "Nathan, it isn't what you think."
"Since when do you care what I think?" I ask honestly, cringing when Dan laughs. "Oh, like you care. Both of you are selfish, self-centered assholes who only care about me and what I think when it serves one of your pathetic purposes. And frankly, I'm too excited about graduating to want to spend any time around either of you."
Dan snorts back a laugh. "Are you trying to say you have something better to do?" He smirks at me, shaking his head. "I've heard the stories, I know how your stock is plummeting," he taunts, callously disregarding whatever feelings I have towards any of this mess that is my life, "I know that the scouts have virtually stopped looking at you. I know your little slam-piece girlfriend broke up with you. What better things could you possibly have to do then stay here with your mother and me?"
A heavy silence hangs over as Mom looks between Dan and I trying to gauge if there will be physical blows this time, or if we'll continue to stick to letting words do the damage that we all know can bruise deeper than a fist. I stare at Dan, not willing to budge, not willing to let him make me feel worthless, and not willing to let him ruin the fact that I graduated today. Because that's something, and he can't take it away.
For a minute – just a minute – I let myself focus on the commotion around us. The students in their caps and gowns who are having happy moments with their families. The students that are smiling and laughing and hugging each other. A lot of them probably have their dysfunctional moments, but they didn't bring them here.
"You know, when I was sixteen, I probably would've been horrified if you'd said that to me," I address Dan, but don't spare Mom a hard glance or two, "But now? I don't care. It doesn't matter. There are so many more important things out there than your opinion of me."
He doesn't contain himself this time, just laughs right in my face. "And you think you're going to be privy to any of these important things? You're not. You've blown your future, Nathan. You're a has-been with nothing. No, you're not even a has-been, you're a never were. And isn't that so much worse?" His laugh grows a little snider. "All this time, you've acted like you were so much better than me, such a great person. How does it feel to know that in the end, you turned out just like me?"
"Jesus, Dan," Mom groans, glaring at him, "What a thing to say to your son. You could at least show the tiniest bit of compassion for the boy, he's obviously made a mess of a lot of things."
I turn to her, letting my anger at him seep over towards her. "Since when do you care?" I rail quietly, ignoring Dan as he smirks at the turning of the tables, "Since when have you ever cared what Dan says to me, does to me?"
"I care, Nathan, you know I do!" she exclaims, her tone pleading and raw, "I know I haven't been the perfect mother, but I love you!"
"Yeah, well, I believe you do. Hell, I think that even in his own twisted, sick way, Dan loves me, too. But do you think that matters? Do you think that makes anything okay? You should know better than that."
Dan just sits there smirking at her, a malicious twinkle in his eye. "Oh, I'm so proud of you, son," he crows, nauseating me immensely with his praise, "You might be a wash-out at basketball, but with speeches like that, there might be some hope for you yet."
I quietly turn back to him, his statements not forgotten, still hanging in the air between us. "You're right, I've blown a lot of things. More than you even know," I admit, "But I haven't lost everything. In fact, maybe I've gained a few things along the way. One thing is for sure, I have more than you'll ever have, you bitter old man."
He takes a menacing step towards me. "Don't you dare speak to me that way, son," he threatens. I just shake my head and laugh at him.
"Or what, Dad?" I chuckle, mimicking his tone, "You'll disown me? Oh, the heartbreak that would be. Jesus, you really don't get anything, do you? Did you know that I've always been jealous of Lucas? Your bastard son that you've tortured and tormented and taught me to do the same to? Because he didn't have to live with you, deal with you."
"Nathan," Mom begins, backing down when Dan glares at her. "Fine," she snaps at him, "You do it your way. Why don't you just tell him the happy news, it isn't like he'll care anyway."
"Yeah, just tell me," I echo, beyond caring about anything either of the two have to say at this point.
"We're getting a divorce," Dan says, grinning widely. Only he would be so freaking happy to be telling his kid he's divorcing his mother. "Your slut of a mother has screwed me over one too many times."
"Like you are the epitome of fidelity and being a good spouse, Dan! You've been screwing Karen practically since the day you danced on your own brother's grave!" she yells, and they turn on each other. They become so involved in their fight that they don't even notice as I back away, ignoring the stares that their commotion is drawing, and leave.
I think about what he said to me about screwing up my life, throwing things away. There was so much I could've said in response to him, but all I could manage was to say that I hadn't lost everything. And maybe I haven't. Maybe Luke and I can be…something. Friends, maybe. I guess there is way too much water under the bridge for us to be brothers, but a relationship between us doesn't have to be bad.
I'm not exactly sure what to do now. I could go back to the apartment and hang out with Luke, but I don't really want to do that. Instead, I go to the gym and wander around the basketball court, thinking of all the baskets I made here, all the cheers and adulations I received. At the times they happened, they seemed so important, they seemed to make me whole.
But they weren't, and in the end, they didn't. They don't even matter anymore, and when I think of them, I feel hollow. The place in me that they filled, maybe that place is supposed to be empty. It was just a temporary gift, those things, and I think they've left the empty place in me bigger than before. Maybe it is destined to be empty. Chuckling aloud, I realize I'm making myself sound like the Tin Man. He found his heart, why shouldn't I find mine? If Haley were speaking to me, she'd assure me that I would find it, and that it'd be better than I ever imagined. Or, she'd probably tell me I already have one, and if I didn't, that's when I wouldn't feel the hole.
But even as I think that, my mind cruelly wanders back to the things I've done over the years: the time I 'accidentally' let myself slam knee-first onto the ankle of a guy I knew was just returning from surgery on said ankle. Then there was the time I screwed one of the cheerleaders from an opposing team here in this very gym, knowing that we'd be seen and knowing she didn't know that.
There were other things, awful things. And maybe Dan was right. Maybe I've turned out just like him. Some of the things I've done support his claim, and he doesn't even know about those things. If he did, oh, the field day he could have with me. Maybe I'm no better than him, no matter how desperately I'd like to believe otherwise.
There's a rack of basketballs sitting under one of the baskets, and I choose one and pick it up. I haven't held a basketball in over a month now, and the weight of it feels foreign in my hands. I fling it at the basket, not even bothering to shoot in the proper way. Naturally, it bounces off the rim, slamming against floor until momentum slows its progress.
"Nice shot," a voice tells me from the far entrance to the gym. I turn, not sure if I'm surprised to see him or not.
"Jake," I acknowledge civilly, "Don't you have some celebrating to do?"
He nods. "But I could ask the same of you. It was graduation day for you, too."
"Yeah, well, I've already seen my parents, and the only celebrating to do with them is in private after they leave, and I guess that is what I'm doing here."
He stares at me as I pick up the ball, dribbling it a few times before passing it to him. Even though I have this confounding new jealousy for Jake, he's still one of the greatest guys I've met since I started here. And he's been a good friend to me, even though I never really deserved it. For that, I can't be an ass to him now.
"Uh, how've things been?" he asks cautiously.
I shrug, taking another shot when he passes the ball back to me. This time the ball swishes through the new. "I graduated. That's pretty much a month high for me."
I want to ask him, I do, but I can't. I don't want to hear him say anything about Haley, and so I won't ask, even though I'm dying to know she's okay. And a part of me would be wanting to hear that her anger had lessened before seeing – surprising – her tonight.
"It's exciting, isn't it?" he wonders aloud, retrieving the ball and sinking his own shot. "Graduation, I mean."
"I guess," I nod as he passes the ball to me, "Haven't thought of it too much." I take another shot. "What are you going to do?"
"Now that school is over?" I nod. "I don't know," he admits, "Med school in the fall, but it seems far and distant. It's weird."
"Yeah, well, at least you know what you'll be doing," I reason, spinning the ball on my finger. "That's something, right?"
He nods. "Yeah, it is." He looks around, obviously feeling as weird around me as I do around him. "Look, we're beating around the bush, and it's stupid. I'm sorry I got in the middle of your shit, but I'm not sorry I'm Haley's friend, too."
There it was, he said her name. "I never asked you to be sorry." I shake my head, turning away. "Do you really think I'm a big enough jerk to wish that she didn't have other friends?"
"No, of course not," he says quickly, walking after me. "But it makes things awkward now after what happened with you two."
"You know?" I ask sharply as I turn back to face him, surprised she'd tell him. Of course, upon further reflection, it makes some sense. Jake is easy to talk to. He's one of the few people who know the story of my parents, Luke, and Keith.
He slows a little, but still walks up to me, and looks me in the eye. "I made her tell me. It was after your arrest, and I was trying to figure out what was going on with you. You wouldn't return my calls. I kept pushing her to tell me, and she told me there was no way she'd know because she moved out. After she said that, there was no point in not telling me the rest of the story."
I nod, not knowing what else to do. And what do I say, really? Do I tell him I'm glad that my best friend told him about the night we had sex? Yeah, that always goes over well in polite conversation. Instead, I'll avoid.
"Well, I, uh, have to go. My, well, he's my brother, I guess, and anyway, he's in town. I should probably go make sure he isn't tearing apart my apartment."
He nods, not saying anything else. I guess there's nothing to say right now, is there? Instead of leaving the gym, I head through the tunnel into the locker room where I left my cap and gown. I think about taking them with me, but what's the point? They'd just be dust collectors in the back of my closet if I keep them. If I leave them here, it means that I don't have to go back and see Lucas and explain what happened with Mom and Dan yet.
Anyway, the James', even though they don't all know it yet, are waiting for me.
The greeting I get from her siblings and nieces and nephews is raucous and loud, and it becomes clear that there is a reason we're going out for pizza to celebrate her success, not steak and lobster. A clan like this probably wouldn't fit in too well at a place like this, and I can't say that I'm upset by that.
Haley is visibly surprised to see me, and I feel bad about that for about two seconds before I decide that she doesn't have the right to not want me here. Her family has been my second family – first in many ways – since I met her, and they're important to me, too. And if they invite me out to dinner with them, I'm going to accept and she can just deal with that.
She sits as far away from me as possible at the crowded table, and I see her older sister Deanna give her an inquiring look. Haley just shrugs it off, though, and continues to ignore me. I don't mind so much, though, because her nieces and nephews are hanging off me, and her brothers are joking with me.
Her mom sits down beside me, shooing her grandchildren away to their seats when the pizza comes. She asks me a thousand and one questions, no topic being sacred or off-limits to her.
"Now, Nathan, what happened with basketball? I cannot believe you'd get in a fight with some jerk and jeopardize your career! You are better than that, young man. I'm a little disappointed in you, Nathan."
It's funny that Haley's mother cares more about my future and scolding me over mistakes made than my own does, but that's pretty much how it's always been. "I know, Lydia, I made a mistake. A stupid mistake." I look down the table at Haley when I say that, willing her to know that I mean doing what I did to her, to us, was the real mistake. "God, I'd take it back in a second if I could, you know?"
Lydia follows my glance. "Oh, Nathan, did she get all uptight about the fight?" she asks, her voice dropped to a near-whisper, "Now, you know I love her as much as the next child of mine, but she's always been a bit of a black and white kind of girl. Doesn't see the shades of grey. So, sometimes she doesn't get that things don't have to be bad, even if they seem that way on the surface." She smiles widely. "But she's got so much love in her, and even if she doesn't like your actions, I know that she'll forgive you anything."
I watch Haley as she says this to me, and she makes of point of ignoring me. Lydia's words give me hope, though. Hope that maybe one day she will forgive me, like Lydia thinks she will. Then again, Lydia obviously has no idea what happened between us, and if she did, she might think differently.
Once dinner ends and the kids get enough of the arcade games, the James' family packs up to head back to the various hotels that they're staying at. I hang around, receiving hugs from every single one of them, including the in-laws. The goodbye is just as raucous and loud as the arrival was, but it is all part of the James' family charm.
I purposely wait until they are all gone, going along with it when Haley let's her parents assume that she and I will be going back to our apartment together. Finally, it is just me and her standing together on the sidewalk, and I take the moment before she tells me to get lost to study her, really study her.
She's wearing a denim jacket over a strapless pink sundress. Her hair is twisted up into some girly 'do that it is safe to assume Brooke did for her. She looks beautiful, I can see that, but most of all she looks relaxed and even happy. At least, if you look beyond the obvious anger she has towards me, it's clear that beneath the surface she has a glow.
"Why'd you come here tonight?" she finally asks quietly after several minutes of us just standing here, not speaking.
"Your mom called my cell phone and told me I had to and she wouldn't take no for an answer." She doesn't say anything in response, probably knowing that is exactly how it went down. "And I love them. God, I love you, and this is a big day for both of us," I say honestly, finishing lamely, "I just – wanted to spend the day with some people who care about me."
"I wish you hadn't," she sighs, brushing a strand of hair that fell out of Brooke's twisty thing off her face. "This isn't your place anymore. It's just mine now."
"Haley, come on, I've known them since I was little!" I exclaim, feeling trapped and desperate, "You – you can't. Your – they – look, your parents, your siblings, their kids, are like family to me. And – and I know I hurt you, but I don't think you should expect me to stop caring about them."
I can see them, the tears in her eyes, but I can't figure out where they're coming from. "Look, I don't want you to not see them, I know they love you. But do you have to do it when I'm around?" she asks, "Because that's not fair."
"To who?" I ask, "To you? Come on, you've dictated every single rule of our relationship for the last four years! You've told me that when I was allowed to hang out with you, when it was okay to tease you, when it was okay to touch you, when it was okay to do anything! And now you decide that we can't be friends anymore, without even talking to me!"
"Why shouldn't I?" she responds bitterly, "You've treated me like I'm beneath you for years, Nathan! Like I'm some tagalong that you've brought with you out of obligation. Well, guess what? I've released you from your obligation."
I laugh in bitterness, not humor. "You have a very different version of how things happened than I do." I shake my head at her, trying not to cringe when she looks away. "No, really, Haley. Tell me some more about how I treated you like an obligation, because I don't really remember that part. I just remember trying to include you in things that I was doing because I thought it was fun to spend time together."
"Oh, you call me following you to some where you rub up on forty hoes a fun time to spend together?" she explodes, whirling around to glare at me, "Because that's all it ever was! I never even knew why you invited me to those parties, because you should've known I wasn't one of the moron guy hanger-ons that would be impressed by how many drinks you could down or how many 'bitches' you could bag."
I take a step back, surprised, but at the same time not, that this is how she viewed me, viewed what I've become. "Is that all you thought of me? That that was all you thought there was to me? Booze and girls?"
"God, Nathan, I don't want to do this here."
"Fine, then let's go somewhere else, but Haley, we need to have a conversation. We have to have a conversation!"
"Nathan, stop it! God!" She throws her hands in the air. "Can't you see? I don't want to talk to you! Period! Not today, not tomorrow, and I'm sorry, but I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to you."
"And I'm supposed to be okay with that?" I respond, not willing to give up or back down from this. No way, no how.
"Maybe it doesn't matter, Nathan," she says after a lengthy pause, "Maybe our friendship has run its course, and maybe this is where we part ways. I don't know."
"You don't really believe that, do you?" I ask, aghast that she'd think that, more aghast that she's saying it out loud.
She looks stricken and a little green, and I can only imagine that I look somewhat similar. "Nathan, come on, what's the point anymore? What's the point in you and I pretending like things are fine when they obviously aren't? What's the point in having this fight – this very over and over again, because the writing is on the wall, we would."
"Oh, Haley," I sigh, stepping towards her and putting my hands on her shoulder, "I'm not asking you to pretend anything. I just want us to have a chance. How could we just let go of sixteen years of friendship? I don't know about you, but I can't."
"And I can't take this inferiority complex you're giving me, Nathan." I open my mouth to protest, but she shakes her head firmly at me. "No, don't interrupt me." I clamp my mouth shut, nodding. "I just – you make me feel like I'm the least important thing in your world, and that hurt me. That hurt me so bad. And I'm sorry, but I refuse to put myself in that position again."
"And that's it?" I question incredulously, "You really would just throw away all these years of friendship, wouldn't you? You'd throw away all the times we helped each other, all the times we dried each other's tears? I – I honestly cannot believe this."
"Why not?" she spits, "You – you – Jesus, I can't even begin to tell you all the ways you've made me feel like I don't matter to you. Well, guess what! I'm tired of not mattering, and I know this is a wild and crazy idea, but I'm not going to hang around people who make me feel like I don't. So, sorry, you're out."
I just gape at her like a fool. "Haley," my voice cracks out, "Come on. I'm sorry. I – you have to know that I'm sorry."
"Okay," she agrees, "You're sorry. Well, I'm sorry, too. But….that doesn't make me feel better, you know? And it doesn't make any of the things that happened go away. And I'm just afraid that they'll always be there, always be in my head. Because they are now, and when I see you? Those are the things I see."
My hands are still on her shoulders until she says that, and then I yank them away like they've been burned.
"That's all you see?" I choke out, desperately needing the validation from her that there's more to me, that I'm not just an obnoxiously evil jerk like Dan. "And that's how you've seen me for awhile now? My God!"
"I don't know, Nathan. Even if I saw more, I'm not sure it would matter, okay?"
"No, it's not okay!" I yell, glad that the street is mostly deserted, "It's not okay that I'm so – so expendable to you! Tell me, did I ever even matter? Could you have dumped our friendship at any point, this was just the most convenient?"
"Don't you turn this around on me," she yells back, "I never set out to hurt you!"
"Yeah, well, guess what? You did. Don't you get it? I didn't want to hurt you. I never intended to hurt you, and I hate that fact that I did! You're my family, Hales," I finish quietly, "And I need you. I need you in my life."
She looks away, brushing a tear away. It's cold, but that tear gives me hope. Hope that perhaps she isn't as immune to this as she wants to project, hope that she doesn't hate me as much as I feel like she does right now.
"You just think you do, Nathan." She shrugs away from me. "Think about it, we haven't been a part of each other's lives for a couple of years now. Not really, not the way we used to. You didn't even notice. I was just a crutch for you to fall back on."
"That is not true," I deny hotly, "I knew all along you were pulling away from me, but I never understood. And I didn't know how to pull you back."
"I know that. And maybe that's my fault, I'm not saying it isn't. But everything is different now, and we can't go back."
"So, let's go forward, together as friends, Hales," I plead, dangerously close to the territory of begging.
"Nathan," she sighs, looking away, trying to surreptitiously wipe her tears away, "Please, I'm just – this is really hard."
"Yeah, I know that, I'm here, too, feeling everything your feeling," I promise her, surprised when she blanches at that.
"You don't know what I'm feeling. And even if you did, it wouldn't make a difference." She seems so resigned to whatever it is that she's feeling, and that scares me. It's like she has no hope that I can ever be for her what she needs me to be, but that's all that I want to be.
"Haley, come on, I know I've hurt you, and I get that I was hurting you even before that night, but I want to make up for it. I'll do whatever it is I have to if you'll just let me be your friend again," I plead.
She lets the tears fall freely down her face now, not bothering to check them. "I wish it were that simple, but it isn't. Come on, we just graduated. I'm going to med school in the fall, and you're going to get drafted soon," she tells me, not noticing when I shake my head in denial, "It isn't like when were little and had a fight, proximity won't be able to fix this."
"I don't want anything but me to fix," I promise her, "Just me. Just me proving to you that I can be that friend that you relied on in junior high and high school. I know I can be that guy for you again, and I just have to prove it now!"
"I – I appreciate that, but it's not going to work," she says with a stark finality that makes my heart feel like its caught in a vice, "I think it's best if we go our separate ways and just let things be."
I remain quiet at this, soaking in her rigid posture and the defiant look on her face. She's very serious about this, I can tell. And it hurts, it feels like she's hit me with her car; every little bit of me aches right now.
"So this is it?" I ask, my voice sounding as defeated as I'm feeling, "Just like this, you're telling me there's no hope we can be friends again?"
She looks stricken, and I guess it gives me a little comfort that this is as hard for her as it is for me, but it still sucks that she gets to make these decisions for me. "I – I don't know, but we can't be friends right now. There's just too much to deal with."
"And you don't want to try," I assess, sighing, "Not even a little?"
"Maybe it isn't about wants anymore, maybe it's about needs. Because right now, I need distance from you, Nathan. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it is just the truth."
I nod again, backing away from her. Emotions are threatening to overwhelm me, and I don't want her to see me when they do. "O-okay, if that's what you want. You know how to find me," I tell her, and with one last look, I leave.
I can hear her soft gasp hanging in the air between us, getting farther and farther away with every step I take. The need to turn around and beg her to let me be her friend again is there, weighing on me heavily, but Haley's nothing if not stubborn, and I doubt it would make a difference.
So, I leave. I don't want to, and I don't even believe she really wants me to, but it is the only thing to do right now. Standing there on the street arguing with her, pleading with her, that wasn't going to get either of us anywhere. It was time for us to cut our losses, at least temporarily, and focus on the futures that we stepped into today as we graduated. Maybe she's right, and it is best if we let each other go for awhile.
It won't be forever – I won't let it be that way. At some point, she's going to have to let me back in, because I'm not going away. And I don't think she wants me to, either. Right now, yeah, she might not think she'd care if I dropped off the face of the earth, but this is Haley, and I know better than that.
When I get back to the apartment complex, it only takes two minutes of deliberation for me to decide that this is the last place in the world I need to be right now. I can't complain too much about Luke, but I don't need to see him right now, I don't need him asking questions and offering his opinions.
It's the last weekend before campus becomes fairly dead for the summer, and the bars are packed with graduates and their parents and friends. I could probably go to one, and hole up, but I want quiet. There's a dive bar about a mile from my apartment, so I walk there.
It's quiet. One of the few bars on campus that isn't always crowded to point of overkill. Usually, the only people here are professors and some of the other non-students who live in town, which isn't all that many. Most of them are smart enough to live in one of the other small towns in the area and away from the craziness of campus.
I drown my sorrows. Stupid, but it works. I order shot after shot of whiskey until the bartender finally just leaves me a shot glass and the fifth so that he can sit at the other end of the bar and read his book. Which is fine with me, since the one person that I wanted human contact from was completely disinterested in giving it to me, I don't need it from anyone here.
By the time last call comes around, I'm partway through my second bottle, and my vision is blurry. I stumble frequently on the long walk back to the apartment, stopping twice to puke up the alcohol I'd consumed.
I must look like hell; I certainly feel it. But that doesn't stop a girl from approaching me. "Nathan? Nathan Scott, right?" she asks.
I nod, or at least I think I do. "That's me," I tell her, trying to focus on her to see what she looks like. Maybe she'll be just as good for drowning my sorrows in as the alcohol was.
"Wow, you're a living legend around here," she murmurs, stepping close enough to me that the scent of her perfume has waves of nausea rolling over me. I think briefly of turning her away, but she's here, and she seems interested in giving me what I want. Instead, I smile at her as brightly as I can, and lay my hand on her waist.
"You want to test out that legend status? See if it holds up?" I ask her, sounding smarmy to my own ears. But I don't give a shit, and apparently neither does she.
"I'd like that," she purrs, rubbing against me in a way that I'm not going to complain about right now. "Hmm, we're off to a good start," she comments as she slips her hand inside my pants to feel my erection.
"Where's your place?" I question, groaning as she attaches her lips to my neck, nipping and sucking the skin there.
"What's wrong with your place?" she questions.
"Nothing, just off-limits," I grunt, sliding my hand up the inside of her legs, letting my fingers explore her.
"So, the rumors are true, then," she moans, thrusting herself into my hand, wrapping her arms tighter around my neck.
"What rumors?" I gasp out.
"That you never take girls back to your place," she pants, "That you take them to their place, and that you're the consummate fuck and run guy."
"Is that a problem for you?" I bite out, my breath releasing in a hiss as her fingers graze over my nipple ring.
"Not at all," she grins.
When we get back to her place, it's rough and out of control, and I know that both of us will be branded with bruises and teeth marks and whatever else. But the loss of control feels good, it feels reckless, and that makes me feel powerful.
The way she screams my name appeals not only to my ego, but just to that part of me that wants someone to need to me. I'm not really attracted to this girl, and I realize that is even more true when I wake up and my vision is less cloudy. I do exactly what I told her I would last night, fuck and run.
I don't feel bad about it either. My memory of the prior night's events are perfect after I stumbled out of the bar, but I remember her asking me about that, and I remember saying that was who I was and what I did. If she wanted it, and I wanted it, there's no problem, and how I leave doesn't really matter.
There wasn't much pleasure in screwing this girl, but I got off, and in the grand scheme of things, that's all I wanted. Just a release. I have to walk home, and for the first time ever, it really does feel like a walk of shame. I keep doing stupid things that I know don't make sense and contradict what I say I want, but I keep doing them anyways.
It is almost like I'm on this orbit that is every day pulling me closer and closer towards becoming my father, and that scares me more than anything.
But I can't stop myself, either, and no one else cares enough to help me.