Colossal Mistakes and Tiny Miracles

by scatteredlight

AU Nathan Haley, friends to lovers to exfriends to more? story.

7. Shades of Mediocrity

A/N: Reviews are always appreciated. So is concrit. Up through chapter 16 of this story is written, and will hopefully be completed soon, so posting should be fairly regular.

Chapter Six – Shades of Mediocrity

Lucas is at it again, trying to tell me how to live my life and whatnot. He thinks he knows what is best for me, and for some reason I cannot understand, he seems to think that involves coming back to Tree Hill. After the whole draft fiasco, I briefly considered it, but Tree Hill is not a place I can stomach being, especially without Haley.

Now here I am, about a month a half later, stopped on the side of the fucking road by the 'Welcome to Tree Hill' sign, trying not to vomit. Out of all the places in the world, this is one of the last that I ever expected to end up in again. It really makes me feel ill in some ways. Luke keeps telling me that this is for the best, that I need to get back to basics if I'm ever going to have another chance with basketball, but I don't know. I don't know if this is for the best, and I don't even know that I care to have another chance with basketball.

Luke doesn't get it, though. He doesn't get that I've run through all my chances with basketball. There aren't anymore waiting for me now. No one is going to knock on my door, no matter how many hours a day he has me out there practicing my jump shot or running speed drills. The people who might've taken a chance on me a few years ago now know that I'm not worth that chance, and they won't come calling again. I'll probably go along with his plan, though, and let him continue to live vicariously through me. In some ways, it feels like the least I can do, without having to get into things with him again, I guess.

But being back here, man, even on the edge of town in a spot that holds no memories, everything is flooding back to me. The good times with Haley are there, warring with all the bad times I had with my parents. Of course, the current bad times with Haley are rattling around in there, so of course the bad outweighs the good.

"I don't know what I'm doing here," I mutter aloud, frustrated with myself. "There cannot possibly be anything good left for me in this town."

Sighing, I realize that there is no point for me to just stand here, alone, on the side of the road outside of town. I jump back in the truck and start it, pulling back onto the road. A part of me still has that urge to turn the truck around and head as fast as I can in the opposite direction, but it feels like the ties of an invisible force are dragging me further into town, further into my misery.

Luke is living in Keith's old place, which seems more than a little morbid to me, but that's more applicable to him than me, so I've agreed to stay there. He seemed happy by that decision, which still surprises me. We've been getting along better, but sometimes I think about it and I wonder where it came from and how long it could possibly last.

As I drive towards Luke's, I force myself to think not of my parents and Luke and Keith, but of Haley, and some of the fun we had in the places that I pass on my way. It's oddly comforting to remember the time that she gave me her favorite Barbie doll because Dan had taken away all my toys except my basketball. I told her that her Barbie was a dumb, ugly girl's toy, offending her plenty, but I'd also hugged her like she was my lifeline before she went home that day.

We were about eight that day. I'll never forget it. She was just perfect, this little girl that was so happy and protective of me, and in her bright yellow shirt, she was the only sunshine in my world. She took me home, and her parents who I already loved and trusted more than my own fed me and let me play soccer in the backyard with the rest of the family. My dad never let me touch a ball that wasn't for the basketball court.

I remember having had so much hope back then. I really thought that things would be different, that I would be different. That I wouldn't turn into what my parents are, and that I wouldn't treat people the way they treat people. But I have and I do. And it burns, God, it burns. The knowledge that in many ways I have become what I fear, what I hate, seeps through me like poison, and I don't know how to stop any of it. I don't know how to be different, and even that feels like I'm falling back on an excuse.

Haley would tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. She'd tell me that only I can make a difference in me, and that if I want something to change, I need to bust my butt and do it. It sounds easy put that way, but for me at least, things are never that easy. Almost automatically, my truck slows as I drive past Dan's dealership. I can see him, even from the road, yelling at one of his minions, as he calls them. Poor bastard.

I continue my perusal until I realize that if I can see him, he could see me, so I beat it out of here. The last thing I need is Dan and Mom realizing that I'm town. I'd never hear the end of it over what happened with the draft. He's already been up my ass about it as it is, and that's just through voicemail messages.

He hates me. He said so. He acts like the draft thing is what pushed him over the edge, but I think he's always hated me in a way. Why else would he treat me the way he has? It is unnerving to be hated by your father. How do you stop yourself from questioning why? Most people would dismiss it as some fatal flaw within Dan, and hey, he has a ton of those, so what is one more? But it cuts deeper than that for me.

Now more than ever, I have to wonder if the flaw that makes him hate me is mine. It would make sense, in a way. Everyone that was either supposed to love me or actually did love me now hates me. There is no denying in the face of this overwhelming evidence that the fault probably lies within me.

I pull up to Luke's place, which is weird to think of it as such. I never knew Keith very well – Dan wouldn't allow it since Keith took Karen's side and protected Lucas – but this was still always his place. I climb out of the car slowly, looking around. The street is quiet, so of course Luke heard my truck and comes bounding down the steps.

"Hey, you finally got here, man!" He shakes his head as he jogs over to greet me. "Good to see you, Nate."

"Thanks," I manage, giving him a small smile, "Place looks the same as I remember it."

He looks away. "I couldn't stand the thought of changing it after Keith died, you know, so I just left everything the same. I like it this way."

I'm not sure what to say, so I force another uncomfortable smile and feign an interest in the wood of the porch. "Well, it's uh, holding up great," I mumble, even though I have no idea if that is even true or not.

"Well, it isn't perfect, but at least it was Keith's, you know? I've got something of his to hang onto, especially since my mother has crapped all over his memory."

I sigh, not wanting to get into family shit, not now, not really ever. "Well, town looks the same. I almost turned around and drove back the way I came when I was driving past the dealership."

His laugh is tinged with bitterness as he says, "Now you know how I feel every single day."

"Yeah," I nod, "That Dan Scott is good for the population rate of this town, huh? Although, I guess it would only really be true if we actually left, right?"

"Neither of us can leave yet," he tells me. I roll my eyes at him. "Ha," he smirks, "You know, I shouldn't tell you, make you suffer a bit, but I'm just too upstanding of a guy to do that."

"Tell me what?" I ask warily, not entirely trusting of Luke yet, and knowing full well his idea of good things don't always mesh with mine.

"That Haley is in town." I swear, my heart stops. Or at least I stop functioning enough to breathe. Either way, something stops. "She's going to Duke for med school," he informs me, answering my unspoken question. "She stopped by the café a month ago, and I've bumped into her and her friends a few times since. She brought that scary girl with her."

Scary girl? Oh, damn, Brooke's here, too? It's like something good happens, but then something shitty happens immediately to counteract the goodness. "Well, even if Haley would talk to me, she's got Brooke whispering in her ear constantly about what a horrible guy I am."

"Yeah, she seems interesting," he agrees, smirking, "So, when are you going to go see Haley?"

"I think we both know that is none of your business," I retort, irritated that he knows these things that I have no clue on, "I bet she was thrilled to see you."

"Not half as thrilled as she was when I brought up your name."

"Now, why'd you have to go and do that?" I ask with a sigh. Like I need Haley associating anymore things she dislikes with me, and she definitely dislikes Luke.

"Why not?" he shrugs, "It isn't like just mentioning your name could make things worse, right? She didn't seem too happy, though, I have to admit. But that could just be because she was forced to talk to me."

"Ya think?" I ask sarcastically, rolling my eyes, "You're not her favorite person in the world, Luke. I highly doubt that seeing you is ever the highlight of her day."

"Same could be said of you, man," he points out, seemingly finding humor in this situation, "Maybe even I'm more palatable than you these days."

"Yeah, right," I sigh, thinking that is possibly true. I'm not worth much of anything to anyone these days, myself included, and I know that whatever Haley used to see in me is long gone. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. It isn't like she wants to talk to either of us, right?"

"Probably not," he concedes, "But you need to talk to her. So just do it. Show up at her parent's house and pretend like you didn't know she's there or something."

I nod slowly, thinking that might not be such a bad idea. I feel lighter, knowing she's in town. I'm able to hope again, and that's something I know I haven't felt or been capable of in awhile now. Since that morning I ditched her back in her own bed and got out of the apartment like it was on fire.

If there was ever one thing, one single, specific thing that proves what a moronic jerk I am, that's it. There are things that I've done that would probably be considered lower by a lot of people, but none of them were to my best friend. That's what makes that event so awful.

"Maybe I'll do that," I say softly, "Unless Brooke is staying there, too, which seems unlikely, then that's probably my only chance of seeing her without Brooke there."

"Yeah, she's a charmer, isn't she?" he asks, rolling his eyes, "She comes into the café every day. I don't think she has a job."

I snort back a laugh. "I guess she's still living off of mommy and daddy. At least some things never change." I pause, something he says clicking. "Wait. What are you doing working at the café? I thought you were through associating with your mother in any way."

He sighs. "I am. I was. I don't know, there are just rumors running rampant that now that Dan is back with Karen, he's cheating on her already. And I just feel sorry for her in a way."

"I feel sorry for anyone that old bastard comes into contact with," I agree, also thinking it's a shame that Karen fell under his spell again. "That doesn't answer the question of why you're working at the café, though."

He shrugs. "I don't know, I just feel sorry for her. She was blowing the café off to spend time with Dan, and I'm just afraid that when this blows up in her face – which we both know it will – that she'll have nothing. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but I definitely don't want to see her end up with nothing."

"Yeah, I know, man," I assure him, clapping him on the back. "And you know that Karen loves you. I guess she isn't proving it now, but you're lucky to have her."

He shrugs, and I know he's too angry with her to cop to what a great mom she was for him while he was growing up. "She's just so different now. It's like I see her as Dan now, in a way. She's just as bad as he is because she lets him get away with everything."

"Just like my mom did," I point out, feeling bad for him. At least I'm adapted to this type of behavior from parents. This is all new for him.

"Yeah. Well, it sucks, I guess, but what the hell can you do?" I shake my head. "Yeah, I know, nothing. So, there's a new club in town."

"Like a rock collecting club?"

He laughs, "No, like a real club. Dance club, music club, whatever you want to call it. Not too shabby, huh?"

"There's a club in Tree Hill? Dude, do you think I was born yesterday? I'm not dumb enough to fall for something like that. Pick a less obvious one next time."

He laughs out loud as we each grab a few bags out of the truck, finally heading into the house. "I'm not shitting you, Nathan. Some idiot really did open up a club here."

"Please tell me it wasn't Dan," I groan aloud, "Because it would be so like him to open up a place where he could stand around preying on teenage girls. He used to hit on my girl friends, you know?"

"He just gets better and better," Luke responds dryly, "Now he's a pervert, too. Well, a different kind of pervert than I used to think he was. But no, it isn't Dan. I don't know who is doing it, but I know it isn't Dan."

"Why Tree Hill?" I ask again, looking around as we walk into the house. Honestly, I never spent much time here with Keith, but this place hasn't changed one iota since I was here after the funeral. Luke wasn't kidding about keeping things the same.

"Hell if I know," he shrugs, dropping the bags he's carrying onto the floor in the hallway, "But I'm not complaining. I haven't been yet, but it wouldn't hurt to check it out, right?"

I shrug, agreeing that it couldn't hurt. But a club in Tree Hill is – well, a club in Tree Hill. Couldn't possibly be that great. "Yeah, we can check it out sometime, but not tonight. I'm tired from the drive."

"Sure, no problem. I think I'm going to go over to the café tonight and relieve the poor girl that Mom overworks and underpays," he mutters with disgust, "She pays her minimum wage, and the girl closes for her at least four nights a week, and this is on days she opens, too. I sneak her extra money out of the till because she deserves more."

I shake my head, sort of feeling bad for him that Dan has taken something else from him. No, someone else. "Mind if I hang out here then?" I ask, not all that comfortable being alone in this place that holds the life of an uncle I never really knew.

"No, go ahead. The James' place isn't so far away, though. I could drop you off on my way to the diner."

"Nothing in this town is far away from anything else," I remind him, "And I don't know. I just don't know if I'm ready to see Haley yet."

"You've put it off for almost three months, Nathan," he points out, rightfully so, "And is the idea of approaching her getting any easier? Does it seem like if you wait longer she'll be more willing to hear you out?"

"No, of course not," I sigh tiredly, rubbing the heels of my hands over my eyes, "But it doesn't seem like it will be any easier if I do it today, either."

"Don't be such a coward," he orders, "Just go find her and tell her you're sorry. It's bullshit that you let this go on as long as it has. Take some responsibility for your actions, and prove to her that you're sorry."

"I don't know how, Luke! God, you make it sound like it is the easiest thing in the world or something! Like there is a manual somewhere that tells you exactly how to have a conversation like that. But I don't know how, I don't know how I'm ever supposed to make what I did right between us because I know I acted like an ass!"

He sighs, nodding slowly. "Nathan, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but what do you have to lose? You don't have basketball. It doesn't seem like you have any friends. I know you don't have a job. What's left? Your really solid relationship with me? Is that supposed to get you through the rest of your life?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm just supposed to have nothing. I don't know. I don't know anything! Why can't you just let this go and let me figure things out on my own?"

"Because you don't even try," he mutters, looking at me with pity, "I accused you before of being willing to throw it all away, but I didn't realize how right I was."

"I don't want to get into this with you again. You think you know me, you think you know what's good for me and what I should do? Well, you're wrong."

"No, I'm not," he shakes his head, "And something funny happened along our little path of hatred – I do know you, and I do know you better than probably only one person. Of course, that one person is apparently worth so little to you that you won't even try to fix things with her, so I don't know what to tell you. Just know that I get you, that I understand what you're doing, and I think its bullshit."

I don't have to ask what he means by that because I just know. We stare at each other for a few minutes before he shakes his head and grabs his keys, walking out of the house. I stand in the same spot as he fires up the old Mustang of Keith's that Lucas finished in his honor after his death and roars out of the driveway.

As his car races down the street, I shake my head at my own stubbornness. Here I am, a guest in his house, and I pick a fight with him. Not that he wouldn't – and didn't - do it to me, but I owe him a lot right now. But I'm just a jerk at the end of the day, and I'm stupid enough to bite that hand that is basically feeding me.

And he's right, again, about Haley. It is never going to be easy to face her, not after the way I effectively trashed our relationship. But that doesn't mean that I can avoid it forever, especially since we're both in Tree Hill, and news like that travels quickly around here. Hell, half the town probably knows I'm in town already, and the other half will know by morning.

So, in effect, I have to do what Lucas suggested tonight if I have even a shot in hell of surprising her. And again, he's right in that surprise is my biggest – no, only – advantage in this thing. So I'm going to do it. I'm going over to her parent's house, and I'm going to make her listen to my apologies. I have to try, he's right. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't.

It's a nice late summer day, so I decide to walk. Like Luke said, it's close by, and maybe Haley won't be able to hide if she saw my truck in the driveway. I'm just afraid that she'll run away or try to avoid me. Not that I blame her, but this one time I need her to stay put while I am so determined on this one.

When I get to her street, I stand at the corner I'm on and stare at her house for a few minutes. It is every bit as perfect as I remembered it being, even though a lot has changed. It is brown now, and I bet that Lydia just decided one day that she was tired of the white with the navy blue border and bought a ton of paint and just started painting like it wasn't a big deal. The trees in the front yard are bigger, which seems like a funny thing to notice, but I notice it nonetheless.

I gather what is left of my tattered and torn and fleeting courage, and force myself to walk up the path to the front door. I knock loudly, and Lydia surprises me by opening it almost immediately.

"Nathan!" she exclaims, "What a pleasant surprise! I didn't know you were in town, how long are you here for?"

I let her pull me down so that she can throw her arms around my neck, holding me tight. I hug her back, relishing the feeling of comfort that this woman who is not mine in any way always gives me. "I'm not sure yet, Lydia," I tell her honestly, "Luke nagged me into coming, and since nothing else was really working, I figured it was a good time, you know?"

She sighs, pulling away from me. "We heard about what happened with the draft," she tells me, looking sympathetic but not pitying, which is a pleasant change, "And I'm just really glad you're home now."

"Thanks," I smile, genuinely happy to see her. Happy for the first time in months. "It's really good to see you, to be here."

"You know that you are always welcome here, no matter what." She looks at me inquiringly. "Now, what are you going to do about this little rift between you and Hales?"

I know that my surprise is registering on my face because she pats my arm reassuringly. "I'm surprised she mentioned it," I tell her honestly.

She shrugs. "She didn't have to say anything. I know her, and I know you, too. But – well, let's just say that I hope you fix things with her."

I nod, smiling my thanks. "Is she here?"

She shakes her head, "No, she's at work tonight. She works every night, but she seems to like it, so we haven't put too much pressure on her to give it up yet."

Yet? "So, um, does she work somewhere that would be possible for me to drop in on her at?" I ask hesitantly.

She smiles. "You know, you're still very much like you were when you first started coming around here in some ways."

"Are you calling me a six year old? And is that a yes or a no?" I press, winking at her.

"That's a yes, Nathan. She's working at that odd new club on the west end of town. She's waiting tables, actually."

I raise an eyebrow at this. "Really? Huh, I guess some things change, huh? She must've really needed a job."

An odd look crosses her face, but it passes quickly and she chuckles. "So you also remember her insistence that she'd never be a waitress or some other equally menial employee?"

I want to ask what the look was, but I let it go and laugh with her. "Yeah, she told me once that it was stupid that I wished my mom was the one with the café and not Karen because then I'd have to work there."

She shakes her head, "That's my snobby youngest daughter. Always thought she had it all figured out. I wasn't sure if she'd ever realize that not everything can be planned in advance."

"It's a good thing she's so good at pulling things together, huh?" I return, wondering what unplanned event could possibly have her working as a waitress.

"You should go on over there, Nathan. It sounds like her boss is pretty – what is it you kids say? Cool?"

I laugh. "You can't fool me, I know you're more up on the lingo than I am," I tell her, winking. "And thanks, I think I will head on over there."

We chat for a few more minutes before I leave, jogging back to Luke's to get my truck. The nerves that had abated while chatting with Lydia are back full force, but I ignore them, and head over there anyway.

It's a quick drive, of course, so I'm here quickly. I sit in the truck for a minute, trying to think of something to say that won't make her dump a tray of ice cold beverages on me, but I can't come up with anything that doesn't seem overly stupid.

I grab my wallet and head inside, taking a seat at the bar. I don't see her right away, so I take the time to order a coke. Alcohol doesn't seem the way to go tonight, all things considered. I finally spot her taking the orders of a table full of girls. She stops on her way over here to chat with a blonde girl who looks like she works here, too. They laugh together, and she looks so relaxed that I'm almost tempted to just leave so that I don't ruin her good mood.

She spots me, and her face falls. I look away, hating that look of shock and anger and something else that flashes over her face. It's obvious that not only did she not expect to see me, but that she probably doesn't want to see me, either. I could be the nice guy and accept that, and leave, but I was never that guy. So I stay put on my barstool, waiting to see what she'll do.

To my surprise, she walks toward me after saying something to the girl she was talking to. She doesn't run over in happiness – it's a slow walk, filled with apprehension. But she doesn't run away, either, and I'll take what I can get. Even if it is just crumbs right now.

"Nathan," she says softly in way of greeting me, "I – um, I didn't expect to see you here." The confusion is evident on her face. "I tried to call you, but all your numbers were disconnected."

She tried to contact me? Somehow, that's a little hard to believe. "Well, I've been bumming around jobless, so I had my cell turned off."

She nods. "I didn't know you were in town."

"Just got here," I sigh, uncomfortable with the awkward formality between us, but I can't complain because it is better than I expected and more than I deserve. "I'm staying with Luke. He thinks he can fix my life, even fix me," I shrug, inwardly cursing myself for telling her that useless bit of information.

Her eyes flash in recognition, and I wonder what the hell Lucas has been telling her. "Look, Nathan, we need to talk, but this – this isn't the place."

I nod, completely willing to concede anything to her if it means she'll talk to me, even for a few minutes. Even if it is awkward and stilted and uncomfortable like it is now. "You name the time and place, and I'll be there."

She just stares at me for a second, almost like she's trying to see a crack in the words I'm saying to find the truth of why I'm here. "Let me go talk to Peyton, my boss," she says, pointing to the blonde she was talking with earlier, "It's pretty slow tonight, so she might let me get out of here now."

I nod, watching as she goes. There is no way in hell right now that I want to take my eyes off of her, so I just blatantly stare as she walks across the room. I know I'm staring, and I feel like a retard for it, but I can't help it. She's here, she's agreed to talk to me, and I'm not letting her out of my sight. No way, no how.

The blonde glances over at me in surprise, and I wonder briefly what Haley has told her about me. The girl isn't someone I recognize, so it stands to reason she's fairly new here. Haley looks over at me, too, but I can't tell from her expression what she is thinking right now. The girl pats her kindly on the arm, and Haley laughs at something she said and then walks back over to me.

"Um, she said it was fine if I go now. My parents are both probably home right now, so I guess we could just take a walk or something."

She doesn't look thrilled by the suggestion, so I figure offering an alternative is the least I could do. "Luke is working at the café tonight, so if you'd rather, we can go over there."

She tilts her head to the side, almost as if she's weighing the options we have right now. "Yeah, that's probably for the best. I need to sit down anyway," she sighs.

"Long day?" I ask cautiously, not wanting to be too pushy or invasive right now, and scare her away now that we're finally talking.

"No, it's the – well, I'm just tired," she says, giving me a wan smile, "Sitting sounds really good right about now."

"Yeah, well, that's not a problem. It seems like Luke has kept the place pretty clean, so we should be able to find somewhere to sit."

"Okay, good," she agrees quietly, obviously lost in her own thoughts. "I'm hoping you drove since Peyton picked me up."

"Yeah, I've got my truck. Your mom said this place was on the edge of town and that I'd be better off driving than walking."

"You saw my mom?" I nod. "So, you came here purposely to find me?"

"Yeah, I really have no other good reason to go to a club, right?"

We get in the truck. She looks over at me. "That never stopped you before," she points out, rightly, "You always liked a trip to a good club."

"Tree Hill isn't known for its good clubs," I remind her, "And it's my first night here. I'm tired from the drive, and nothing at a club held any appeal for me right now. Until I found out that's where you were."

"Nathan, come on," she sighs.

"No, I mean it, Haley," I assure her as I pull the truck out onto the road, hurrying towards Luke's place. "I just wanted to see you, even if you don't want to see or talk to me."

She looks at me oddly, but doesn't say anything to argue with me. She looks decidedly nervous, which is strange to me, since I'm the one who has the major groveling to do. I'm the one with everything – her - to lose.

"Luke lives at Keith's place?" she asks, blinking in surprise as I pull into the driveway. "Has he been here ever since?"

"He moved in when Karen started seeing Dan again." I shake my head, trying to clear the thought out of my mind. "It's weird here. He didn't change anything."

The irritated expression she always gets at the thought, sight, or mention of Lucas sort of softens. "He's still pretty broken up over it."

I nod as we climb out of the truck. "I'm beginning to think he'll never let himself move past it. He'll always have that survivor's guilt to carry around."

She nods, walking up the steps. "We all have our baggage – that's his. Almost makes me feel sorry for the slimy little brat."

I stop in front of the door. "Why do you hate him so much? You never told me," I remind her, completely unsure why I'm bringing that up when we have so many more important things to discuss.

"Does that really matter now?" she asks, getting to the heart of the matter, "I think we both have way more important things to say to each other than why I think your brother is scum."

I nod, knowing she's right. I don't say anything, though, just unlock the door and let us in the house. She looks around, curious. "There's nothing of Lucas in here," I tell her again, "Its all Keith. He never changed anything."

"Yeah," she says softly, "I can tell. This place doesn't exactly scream twenty-something guy, you know?"

"I know. So, um," I begin, looking around nervously, "Want something to drink? I bet Luke has beer and stuff."

She looks away. "No, thanks, I'm good."

"Okay," I sigh, my nerves starting to get the better of me, "Well, want to sit down?" She nods, looking relieved, and sits down on a chair. "Okay, well, I guess I should start."

She shakes her head. "Honestly, Nathan, I know what you're going to say, and that is really not the most important thing we have to discuss tonight." She draws her knees up to her chest, and she looks so small and tired and fragile sitting there that I just want to pull in my arms and hold her.

"I need to apologize again, Hale, I need you to hear and understand and know that I'm so sorry I hurt you. I just can't sit here and listen while you cut me out of your life without telling you all of these things!"

She laughs, but it isn't tinged in the least with humor. "Nathan, even if I wanted to, I couldn't cut you out of my life now." Those words should give me comfort, but there is something in her voice that scares me. "Look, there isn't really an easy way of saying this – "

"Haley, come on, don't say it!" I exclaim, "Whatever it is, don't say it. I will fix things, I promise you, I will fix every mistake I've made, every hurt I've caused."

"Nathan," she sighs, "Please let me finish. Because this is going to be really hard to say, and I just need to come right out and say it so we can start dealing with it."

I want to protest – everything in me screams that I should keep her from saying whatever it is she has to say, but I can't. I have to let her speak her piece. "Okay, say it," I choke out, my voice barely more than a strangled whisper.

She rests her chin on her knees. "God, this is hard," she sighs, wrapping her arms tighter around herself, "I don't even know how to say it."

I lean forward from my spot on the couch, reaching out to touch her on the knee. "Hey, its okay, Haley, just spit it out for me, okay?"

She laughs a little. "You think this is easy, don't you? Or that it should be, anyway. You don't get how huge this is, how life-changing."

"Now, I'm confused," I admit, my hand still on her knee. "Help me out here, Hales, tell me what's going on."

She looks up, her eyes shining with tears, and my heart clutches in fear in response. "I'm pregnant, Nathan."

There are a lot of things she could've said that would have really surprised me, but this one – this doesn't even register. I hear the words, but my neurons apparently don't have the capability of firing in a way that makes what she said understandable. She is staring at me now, obviously waiting for a response.

"I see," I drawl out slowly, not sure what else there is for me to say.

She just keeps staring at me in a way that makes me want to check my face and make sure nothing is crawling on it. "You see?" she repeats, dumbfounded, "What exactly do you see? Do you see that I'm getting fat, but that there's a logical explanation? Do you see that because of this, my whole life will change? Do you get that, Nathan?"

Shit. I can't do or say anything right with her. "Haley, I just – I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry." I don't even know what to say to her right now, I don't even know what to think right now, for that matter.

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I just – this is really hard, Nathan, and I know I'm dealing with it poorly, but I shouldn't take it out on you."

I nod, barely hearing her. Haley's pregnant. She's having a baby. A baby. Oh, my God, my baby? I glance up at her, croaking out, "Mine?"

"Yeah, yours. Ours. Whatever," she sighs.

"Well," I say after another long, uncomfortable pause, "I think that's the last thing in the world I expected you to say." She looks over at me, trying to gauge what I'm thinking and feeling. "I think if you'd brought me here to tell me that you and Brooke were getting married I'd have been less surprised."

To my surprise, and obviously hers, she lets out a giggle. "Sorry," she apologizes, "I know it's not really funny, but you know."

I nod. "Yeah, I know. Sometimes you just can't help but laugh, right?" She nods back at me. "I – I didn't think you were getting fat," I offer awkwardly, but honestly. I really hadn't noticed any change to her body, and I'd looked, too.

"Maybe the tests were wrong then," she sniffles with a smile, "But I don't think I'm that lucky, huh?"

For once in my life, I just know that there is no right thing for me to say to that, and I manage to keep my mouth shut. It is practically a miracle. Instead of saying anything, I grab her hands, clasping them tightly in my own larger ones.

"I'm sorry," she mutters again, although I'm not sure exactly what she means when she says that. I squeeze her hands, willing her to look at me. "I'm really sorry."

"For what?" I finally ask, not knowing any other way to get around this wall between us. "Why are you sorry, baby?"

"Because," she wails, pulling away from me and standing up. For the first time, I can actually see signs of her pregnancy. Her abdomen is rounded slightly, and her breasts are fuller. She looks, well, good, but I don't think I'm supposed to mention it now.

"Because, why, Hales?" I stand up, putting my hands on her shoulders to keep her from moving away from me.

"Because, Nathan, this makes everything different. This changes every aspect of my – maybe yours, too – life. Okay? This is a permanent thing that completely redefines normal!"

I nod slowly. I can feel panic setting in, but if there is any one thing I cannot express to Haley right now, it's that. She's too close to panicking herself, probably from stress of telling me, for me to put my panic off on her.

"I'm scared, too," I finally whisper, thinking that I had to say something. Her head snaps up as she stares at me in shock. "What? You think I can't feel the gravity of this situation?" I ask, pulling my hands off of her and moving away. I suppose I don't deserve her faith, but it still cuts to know that I don't have it.

She shakes her head. "I don't know, Nathan. I thought you'd be mad or frustrated or dismissive, but I didn't think you'd be like this."

"Like what?" I ask, my voice low and dangerous.

"Like this, all – Jesus, Nathan, I don't know."

"You thought I wouldn't care, didn't you?" I accuse, knowing I'm exactly right, "You thought I'd leave you high and dry the second you told me!"

"I didn't say that, Nathan," she mutters tiredly.

I turn back around, looking pointedly at her. "You didn't have to say it, Haley. It's pretty clear what you thought I'd do."

"Fine, maybe I wasn't sure how you'd react, and maybe I thought you'd be a dick about it. You can't say I don't have a reason to think that, you know."

I sit back down, defeated. She's right, she is absolutely right. I've given her no indication that I'd be there for her in a situation like this, and it isn't fair of me to expect that she should think the best of me. I don't deserve that at all.

"I'm sorry," she offers after a few minutes of silence. "I just – I didn't know, Nathan. God, I was barely able to deal with it myself, and in some ways, I think it is more real for me than you. So I just thought – well, I didn't think."

"Do you – ah, what are your plans?" I ask, knowing that me having a part of this kid's life is by no means a given.

"What do you mean?" she asks warily, "Like am I planning on keeping it? Obviously, I'm almost four months along now."

"Was it ever an option to not keep it?" I ask, curious, "How long have you known you were pregnant? All along?"

"You mean did I know at graduation?" I nod. "No, I didn't," she assures me softly, "I have known for about a month and half now. I found out the night of the draft, if you want a frame of reference."

So, when my life was getting ready to plummet even further into hell, she was finding out that she was pregnant, something that has the power to screw up things between us even worse.

"How did you find out?"

"Jake and I were at the grocery store, and I ran to pick up things for Brooke. One of the things on her list was tampons, and I just – I don't know, it was like this stupid, shocking epiphany that I hadn't needed any in a few months, and that wasn't right. I got out my calendar, I didn't the math, and then I just knew."

"Jake? You were still at school?"

She shakes her head, sighing. "Jake chose Duke for med school, too. He's sharing a house with Brooke right now, here in Tree Hill."

"Yeah, I heard about the Brooke, but didn't know Jake was here, too," I sigh, not sure how I feel about that. I just – I guess a part of me is jealous that he got to be there for some of these things with her, and I wasn't even aware they were going on.

"So, that's how I figured it out. I went home and took a test. Well, two in two days, actually, and then I went and saw Dr. Brown for confirmation. I tried to call you, then, but that was when I found all your numbers disconnected. I would've told you sooner, but I didn't know how to get in touch with you, and I couldn't bring myself to ask Lucas."

"It's okay, I understand," I mutter dully, wondering how many people knew before me, if she really even wanted to tell me in the first place. "If I hadn't come back, would you have told me? Would you have bothered to find me and tell me?"

"I'm not Brooke," she snaps, "And it doesn't matter what advice she'd give me about it – and I think you can figure out what her suggestions were – I still have my own mind. Hell, even if my mind had told me not to tell you, there was no way in hell that my heart would let me do that to you or this kid. So, no, not telling you was never an option for me, and if you hadn't come back, I would've found you somehow."

I nod, barely breathing. "What else?" I ask, my voice sounding lame and pitiful and pleading, "I just want to know what it's been like, who you've told, how they took it. And – and – and what's happened so far. I know I don't have the right to ask these things, but I can't help it."

"Its okay, Nathan, it would be worse if you didn't ask questions, you know?" I nod jerkily, thoughts and feelings and fears rattling around in my head. "Aside from Brooke – who I didn't really want to tell because I knew how she'd take it – and Jake, the only people who know are my family and Peyton, because she's my boss. I can't be a waitress at eight and a half months pregnant, right?"

"How'd your family take it? Do they – do they know that I'm - ?"

She nods. "Yeah, they know. I think – this is so weird, but I think my mom is actually happy. Dad is kind of – he's not mad, but I think he's just really surprised. But he's excited to be a grandfather again. Weird, huh?"

I shake my head. "Weird would be my parents reacting like that. But yours – they've never been the type to freak out, even when things don't go like they'd planned." I sit back down on the couch, and she takes a seat next to me. "What – damn, I don't even know how to ask this, and I don't even know if I have a right to ask this, but what about me? Do I get – am I allowed to - ?"

She turns to me, so that we are facing each other. She doesn't say anything right away, just regarding me keenly, knowingly, and it scares me. That she has to think about it scares me. "Nathan, this – this is your baby, too, right? And I'm not so selfish and bratty that I'd keep you away from it. I hope you know that."

"You mean it?" I ask quietly, not wanting to let myself hope, not wanting to let myself think that maybe – just maybe – things will finally be different.

"It's why I told you," she shrugs, "It wouldn't be fair to either of you for me to make that decision for you. This is going to be hard enough, and I don't want to fight with you over it."

"Okay. Yeah, fighting wouldn't be good," I stammer out haltingly, "So, what happens next? Do you have doctors appointments to go to? Shopping for baby, ah, stuff?" Not surprisingly, I know little about the preparation for babies, although, thanks to Haley's family, I am pretty comfortable with them when they arrive.

She shrugs. "I'm not there yet. I mean, I need to save up some more money so that I can get my own place. My parents don't need me and a baby, right?"

"Somehow, I doubt they'd mind all that much," I tell her, but I can understand her desire for her own space, especially with a baby.

"No, they probably wouldn't," she agrees, "But I just need that extra freedom, I guess." She shakes her head. "I sound like an ingrate, and I'm really not. My parents are great, and I'm lucky as can be."

We fall silent for a minute, each lost in the confines of our own thoughts. "So, we're actually talking again," I finally say, hating the silence. Silence is all I've known for months now, basically, and I hate it. I hate how consuming it is, how it leaves you alone with only your own thoughts.

She looks at me oddly. "I guess we are."

"Sorry," I apologize, feeling stupid for ruining whatever bit of peace and common ground we'd achieved, "It just felt strange after all this time of not talking to you."

She nods. "Well, for me, that felt stranger than anything else."

That comment cheers me slightly, makes me think that, even aside from the baby, there is a chance for us to rebuild our relationship. Obviously there will be something between us now, a child, but I've seen firsthand relationships that are based on only that, and that is not what I want for us. I want our friendship back, I want her to love me again. She was always the only one.

"That was the worst," I tell her.

"Oh, Nathan, come on, it couldn't have been that bad for you. It isn't like you don't have a ton of friends and girls and whatever to keep you busy."

I regard her for a minute, noting how earnest she seems, before saying anything. "That's really all you see in me, isn't it? That I'm just a jerk who has conned some people into being my friend, and that I just use girls on general principle? Because I can? Thanks a lot, Haley."

She shakes her head, glaring at me. "Why should I think differently? That is exactly the image that you projected for four years at college, and for four years of high school before that! What have you done that would contradict that persona?"

"You don't know the first thing about me, do you?" She opens her mouth to retort, but I press on, not letting her interrupt me. "You think I have friends? Who, Haley, who? None of them were really friends! They dropped as soon as the NBA did, alright? And girls? Yeah, I've screwed that aspect of my life up, and badly. But let's face facts, okay? They aren't exactly hanging all over a washed up former college basketball player, right? So, I have nothing, no one, except, in the most fucked up twist of fate ever, I have Luke."

Her mouth is still hanging open. "You – you," she begins, stuttering in shock, "I cannot believe you! You had friends, Nathan. You had some damn fine friends, if I do say so myself! And you threw it all away. You could've had anything, done anything, and you messed up. Don't put that off on me!"

"I wasn't putting anything off on you."

"Bullshit," she says hotly, "You said I know nothing about you! I know almost everything about you, Nathan Scott! I don't always understand you, but I know you."

"I'm not so sure about that," I sigh, "You pushed me away for years, Hales. After everything we went through growing up together, you kept me at arm's length all through college. How can you really know me when you haven't even wanted to for so long?"

"You are ridiculously full of yourself," she retorts, crossing her arms over her chest angrily, "Maybe it had nothing to do with you, per se, and all to do with me exploring the world outside you."

I nod, tired and unwilling to go through this right now. Everything about today has been hard already, and having her pontificate on what a raging disappointment I am would be icing on the cake, but I hate frosting.

"You know what? You're right, I'm worthless and I screwed up everything good in my life. Yeah, I said it, I did. And now, now I'll just go."

She stares at me, again open-mouthed as I get up from my spot on the sofa and walk out the front door. I hear her footsteps behind me as I walk down the porch steps, looking around in a daze, not sure where to go.

"This is your, well, this is Luke's place, you can't leave," she says, chasing after me and grabbing my arm, "Besides, you can't just walk out on me now! We – we've barely talked about this whole baby thing, and there are a million things related to that needing to be discussed. And you're really going to just run away now?"

"I'm not running away, Haley. We're going to have a thousand and one discussions about this – the baby, I mean, sooner or later. It's just – right now, I can't do this." I snort in disgust at myself. "Luke was right, I am weak and pathetic. Look, I just got back here, and I hate almost everything about it here. My parents, my history with Luke, the accident, there's just – " I stop, unable to continue on.

Her stubborn, angry expression softens and fades. "Yeah, okay, I know. I just wanted to discuss everything with you, but there's plenty of time."

"I'm sorry," I tell her sincerely, "I'm sorry about a lot of things, one of the least of which is taking off now."

"You know what? This need to leave, need to get your thoughts settled about being back here, that's something I understand. So, go," she says simply.

"You know I'm not running away from you, from the things we have to discuss, right? I know there are a ton of them, and I know I have a lot to answer for. I want to, I do. Now just doesn't work for me."

She sighs, but nods. "Yeah, I know. And there are discussions we need to have, and there are things we both need to say that the other won't like. But I think we've said a lot today, and maybe everything else can wait for a little while. There will be a lot of time for us to have many, many more discussions and many, many painful subjects that neither of us really want to have."

"I'd really appreciate that."

"I'd better go anyway. Peyton and Jake are hanging out tonight, and since Brooke is out of town, I can actually join them." I look at her questioningly. "Brooke and Peyton were best friends when they were little, and now, well, they aren't. Brooke thinks Peyton screwed her over." Oh, the parallels. "Brooke flips whenever Peyton's name is mentioned now, so we can hang out without the baggage this week."

I could say a ton of nasty things about Brooke, but I doubt that'd do me any favors, so I again keep my mouth shut on yet another subject. "I hope you have fun with your friends tonight."

She nods. "I hope you figure out what it is you need to figure out about being back here. Don't let your parents get you down."

"Can we meet for breakfast or something tomorrow maybe? I understand if you can't, of course, but you must be getting busy with school."

"Yeah, that'd be good. There's definitely a lot we need to talk about."

"Oh, shit, Haley, do you need a ride back to your parent's place? Or to wherever you're going?" I ask, feeling like an ass that I forgot I drove her over here.

She shakes her head. "You know how close my house is. I'll just go ahead and walk, the fresh air will do me good."

"Uh, are you sure you should be walking in your condition? You're almost four months pregnant," I remind her, as if she could possibly forget or something.

She laughs, and for the first time of the night, something that one of us has done or said is completely genuine and honest. "I'm not helpless, Nathan. Hell, it's not even that noticeable that I'm pregnant, right? I can walk the few blocks to my parent's house. Go ahead and take care of yourself, I'm fine."

She is, I note as she walks off. She's fine without me. I think I knew that all along, but seeing it is a different story, as with everything. Needing to clear my head, I walk off in the opposite direction down towards the water.

There is some tranquility to be found there, and when even that is missing, the sound of the water lapping at the shore can drown out my inner monologue. This has always been a sanctuary for me, ever since I can remember. The one place I could escape my parents and the fighting and the smothering expectations of greed and pride.

Greed and pride. The only two reasons that I've ever been able to come up with that Dan took even the slightest bit of interest in me. The greed came in when he thought that maybe I'd make the money off of basketball that he never could, and the pride was in the accolades he received from my basketball, as if he had anything to do with other than a few shared genes.

I pick up a handful of rocks and chuck them one by one into the calm water. If this was four years ago, Haley would be here with me, and I would coax her into going swimming. But it isn't, and even if she were here, I doubt I could. Hell, since she's pregnant, I doubt I should.

I know just like the rest of the world that things change. I've always known that, but somehow that knowledge hasn't prepared me for how profoundly different things are from the last time I was here.

"Go to Hell, you ungrateful little shit," Dan sneers at me, "I've given you the highest quality of life possible, and this is how you treat me? Where do you get off?"

"Probably the same place that you do," I yell back drunkenly, "After all, I learned it all from you, Dan."

"Don't you dare disrespect me like that!" he seethes. I watch in fascination as his face turns a purple-y red color and the veins in his neck start to stand out. "I raised you, and just between you and me, I didn't have to. I could've chose Lucas instead, so you ought to consider yourself lucky, Nathaniel."

I laugh aloud at this, but not with humor. "Oh, yeah, that's a touching story. You chose me. You chose me like you choose whether or not to put sugar in your coffee. It was just an offhand decision because at that moment, you liked Mom better than you liked Karen. And that had nothing to do with me."

He steps closer to me, within striking distance now. When I was younger, his abuse was never physical, but as I've grown older and more fearless – no, reckless, frequently our altercations end with grabbing and shoving.

"You're pathetic, Nathaniel," he says, his voice dropping low, "And you're just beginning to prove just how pathetic you are. It's sad, really."

Against my better judgment, I ask, "What's sad?"

"You, your pathetic assertions that you have an understanding of me, and most of all, the fact that you think you're different and better. You're not, and you never will be. Ever. You'll never be the best, Nathan, no matter what. You are far too weak and soft."

"Maybe that doesn't matter, Dan. Maybe I'm not a pathetic shell of a man who has to measure his worth based on what other people think. Maybe I have more than you ever will already. But there is one thing that will never be a maybe in my mind – I already have way more than you ever could, and I know I won't be stupid enough to throw it all away." I step towards him so that we are almost nose to nose.

"You can tell yourself that now, but you have that giggly little friend of yours hanging around all the time. I've seen how she looks at you, how you look at her when you think no one is watching. You'll be lucky if you don't end up in the exact same place. Don't think you have the smarts to stay out of it, because you don't."

"Never talk about her again," I yell hotly, shoving him away from me, "I won't make your mistakes, and I will never be like you."

I turn and walk off, but his whisper on the wind carries to me. "You already are."

The more I think of that night, that goddamn night that Dan and I had our first full-out argument where neither of us held back, the tenser and angrier I get. Every meeting between us after that was worse – harsher words, physical blows. There is no going back now, not that I ever would want to.

And now he's right, I'm like him. Now isn't the time for me to have realized that, either, since I just found out I'm going to be a father. How can I be in this kid's life when I already know what I'm like? Is that fair? How can I put a kid in the position that I was in growing up? There is no guarantee that I can stop myself from becoming Dan, even as a father.

It's scary. Fucking terrifying, actually. Knowing that I could do the same things to this kid, make him or her feel the ways my parents made me feel is devastating.

"He told me I was him, Haley, that I had turned into him," I relay to her, the panic I'm feeling evident in my voice.

She reaches over and grabs my hand, squeezing tightly. "God, Nathan, you are nothing like him. Nothing! He is a sick, sick man with nothing better to do than mess with your head. Don't let him, don't let him in! I know it's hard for you, but you have to keep him out, okay?"

"I don't know how," I confess, trying to choke back the sobs threatening to bubble to the surface, "I don't know how to ignore him."

"Okay, so then you don't," she says, laying her head on my shoulder, snuggling her body against my own as her arms sneak around my waist, "So you'll listen to me instead and I will drown him out for you, and you'll know that I think that there is no one better than you in this entire world. That there is no one I'd rather spend my time with than you. You are way too good to let him bring you down."

I don't deserve her kind words. I know this, and maybe she knows it, too. But one glance down at her convinces me otherwise. She looks straight into my eyes and doesn't flinch. She even smiles at me, and gives me a look almost like she's proud of me.

"What would I do without you?" I murmur, kissing her on the top of her head.

"You'll never have to find out," she whispers back, wrapping her arms tighter around me. "You've got me forever, Nathan. I'll always be here."

"I'm scared," I admit after a lengthy bit of companionable silence, "I'm scared that it is always going to be like this."

"Like what?" she asks, her hand stroking soothing circles on my back.

"That Dan is always going to be on my back, always bringing me down, you know? I don't know how to get out from under him, how to stop him from bringing me down. I think that's what he wants," I tell her seriously.

She nods. "I think that is what he's trying to do, too. And you just can't let him. Nathan, you are so much better than him that it is ridiculous. And I hate that bastard – I hate him – for trying to bring you down to his level. It isn't fair, and it isn't right. But that's what he is, and that's what you can't let him do to you." She brushes some hair off of my forehead. "And I'm here for you, to do whatever it is that you need to make sure you don't let him."

I wrap my arms around, dropping another kiss on her head. "You know that you're just about everything to me, right?" She looks up and gives me a smile that is tinged with something akin to irony, but at this point I ignore that. I just want to say this, to let her know how important she is to me. "You are, you're the only one I trust with everything. The only thing that I would ever hate to lose, Hales."

"I know, Nathan. And you know that means a lot to me, and you also know that I feel the same way. You're my best friend, I love you."

I shake my head, though. There is no way that she could possibly feel the same way. It's just different for her. She has a big family – hell, she just has a real family – that loves and supports her, and for that reason, she'll never really understand where I come from with regards to my parents and the rest of my family.

"You don't think I understand, do you?" she asks softly, her hand sliding down my arm to clasp mine and squeeze it tightly.

"I know you do as well as anyone outside of my family can, but thank God you're just not close enough to really see how they are, how things are."

She thinks about it for a moment before nodding. "But I know you, and I've seen him and even your mom, and the way they treat you, or in her case, ignore you. I know what that does to you. I know I'm the only one you let see that."

I think we could talk about this forever, and never truly understand or figure out a satisfactory answer or solution. And frankly, I'm getting tired of talking about it, and I'm even more tired of thinking about it. So I disentangle myself from her warm, sweet arms, and jump up, pasting a goofy grin on my face. She can see through it, and we both know that, but we both also know that sometimes you have to let the hard stuff go.

"We're too young to be sitting around discussing shit like that," I inform her, grabbing her hand, "You better take off that sweatshirt because we are going swimming."

"No. No way, Nathan!" she exclaims as I strip down to my boxers, "It is freezing in that water! It is only June, have you lost your mind? It hasn't had time to warm up yet!"

She squeals as I tug on the sleeves of her sweatshirt. "Come on, Hales. You know one way or another you're getting in there. now, I can throw you in with your sweatshirt on, but you might be awfully cold when we're done and you have nothing dry to wear."

"You are an evil, evil person, Nathan Scott!" She pulls her sweatshirt off and sprints down towards the water. "Last one in buys the winner a latte!"

"Hey, you cheat!" I yell, laughing as I chase after her, "I'll get you for that one, little Haley James!"

For the rest of the night, I let all my troubles with Dan and my mother and even Lucas and the rest of the family melt away. What's the point of worrying about them when there is nothing I can do to change it now?

I let the rocks fall from my hands, wondering how I got from there, where I had so much, to here, where I'm not sure exactly what, if anything, I have left.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. When we went to college, it was supposed to be fun and exciting, but most importantly, it was supposed to be the time that was just for us. A part of me always realized that a time would come when Haley would find some guy, and she'd marry him and have two point five kids and a big German shepherd or whatever it is that people are doing these days.

I didn't think that we'd be so far about now, though, and not because I was stupid enough to let us grow apart. And even more stupid in that I let myself push things to a point where things stopped bending and just broke.

And that's where we are now, broken. Broken, and with a whole passel of baggage to try and sort through and figure, which is beginning to feel downright impossible. Especially now, in the dark of night, standing on the same beach that I stood on and played on and laughed on and cried on so many times growing, the weight of that impossibility is a burden I can't shake.

There's a baby involved now. Unplanned, unexpected, but surprisingly not unwelcome, at least by me. Maybe a baby would be the first person to accept the unconditional love that I have to give. My parents never wanted nor cared about it, Haley got to the point where she either didn't want it or stopped needing it, and there was never really anyone else to try with.

A baby, though, a baby is my chance to prove to everyone, myself most of all in some ways, that I'm not Dan. That I'm better than Dan, and that he didn't turn me into his clone. I want this, and I want to do it right, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if all the years I spent with Dan have made me into something that I can't get away from, especially now that I've acted like him in many ways.

"Scott," a deep voice calls from behind me. I turn around, pretty surprised to see Jake. "A little birdie told me I could probably find you here."

I nod. "This is the one place in this town I can always seem to come back to, no matter what shitty things happen here." I sit down on a log, listening to the weeds of the dunes swish in the light breeze. "What are you doing out here? Haley send you here to tell me to back off or something?" I ask, only half joking. It could happen.

"Nah," he says as he takes a seat next to me, leaning down to rest his elbows on his knees, "I just thought I'd come say hi or something. Besides, I think Haley and Peyton like each other better than they like me, so whatever."

I raise an eyebrow at him. I'm not sure why we're both being so casual right now, but I'll take it. "You like this Peyton?"

He nods. "Yeah, she's just got something about her that I really like. But she's been burned in the past, and she doesn't seem all that interested in starting anything. So I don't know," he finishes with a shrug.

"Everything is up in the air," I agree, sighing.

"How you feeling? Haley, uh, she told me she told you."

I glance over at him, trying to gauge his reaction to that. "Yeah, she told me. It's um, surprising, I guess. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel."

"How are you with everything else?" he asks, and I get that he probably doesn't want to talk about Haley and the baby since he is really their friend first now.

"You mean basketball?" I surmise, sighing when he nods, "I fucked that up, too. You hear what happened?"

He nods. "Well, I heard the story that was put out there, I guess," he amends, "But I know that what is fed to the media isn't always the real story. So, what happened?"

"Want to hear something shitty, but not completely unsurprising? What happened was actually worse than the story they put out there. How's that for really, really bad?" I ask, deadpan, trying not to let this be as serious as it is.

"Worse than failing a steroids test?" he asks, surprised. I nod. "God, not a girl, tell me it wasn't some girl that you wrecked this over."

I shake my head. "No, not a girl. Alcohol, and for the first time, marijuana. I bet most people who only know me a little bit think that I smoke weed all the time, but that was the first, man."

"God, you are more of a fuck up than anyone else I've ever known. How do you do that?" he asks incredulously, "It's like you have goals of doing shit like that or something. Did they catch you smoking the weed at tryouts? At the pre-draft parties? What happened, man, how stupid were you?"

"One of the guys I met there, he had some. We smoked his, and I volunteered to go find a dealer and get some more. What I ended up finding, though, was an undercover cop who hates over-privileged shits like me."

"Yeah, shocking how that happens," he sighs, "You really tried to buy drugs from an undercover cop? How in the hell did they keep that out of the papers?"

"The NBA didn't want any scandals marring the draft this year. It was easily provable who I'd been smoking with, and since he was a first round pick, they agreed to circulate a different story. I agreed to the steroids bullshit, but on some level, I deserve having that shit out there about me. It isn't that far off, is it?"

"I don't get you, man," he sighs, "What the hell were you thinking? Anything at all? God, Nathan, you can't keep yourself out of trouble for a month, and now you're going to be a father. Jesus Christ, you can't handle your own damn life, and now you're going to share responsibility for someone else's? That's fucked up."

"Yeah, like I don't know that? Like I don't know that I have so many issues and insecurities and other problems that I probably shouldn't be allowed within a hundred yards of any kids? Well, guess what, I know that, and ever since she told me, all I can think of is whether or not I'll be the same horrible parent my parents were. If my kid will hate me as much as I hate them."

"It doesn't have to be that way," he tells me, "But you'd better step up to the plate, Nathan. Haley – okay, she's tough, you know that. But she's not going to take help from her parents or her friends, and we can't force her. But you, you're in the position that you can force her. Don't let her down, don't let this kid down."

"I'm not planning on it," I snap, a little peeved to have him here lecturing me on my duties as a father.

"Yeah, well, a lot of things don't go as planned for you, do they? So I'm just saying that you better get off your ass and do what's right for a change."

I nod. "I'm trying. Well, I'm going to try. But I'm – " I cut off, unable to admit to him that this whole thing scares me, finishing lamely, "I just don't know if I can do this the way it is supposed to be done."

"Don't try, just do it," he commands, "Look, I'm not here to beat you up about this, or make you feel bad. I'm just here to tell you that you really need to do this right. It is your opportunity to fix a lot of the things that you've screwed up, and you've said you wanted that. So do it, Nathan. Just do it."

"What do I do? Haley told me that she'll let me be a part of the kid's life, but there is so much between us now that I don't know if we'll be able to get past that."

He looks up, staring out at the expanse of water in front of us. "No one ever said any of this would be easy, right? And hey, they said it with good reason. It'll be hard, really hard, for both of you. And guess what, you'll probably mess up. I'm sure there will be fights and disagreements, but at the end of the day, I really think you want what she wants – what is best for the kid. And that's why you'll figure it out and make it work."

I laugh humorlessly. "I don't have a job, Jake. I don't really have any prospects, and I'll probably always be seen as that guy that took steroids to prospective employers. Tree Hill isn't really teeming with opportunities, as I'm sure you've figured out."

He smiles in acknowledgement. "No, it isn't. But there are towns close by, and someone's going to have something. You're just going to have to suck it up and take what you can get." I nod, feeling miserable. "Look, man, for what it's worth, I think you can do it. I told Haley that, too, and I told her to never listen to Brooke when she talks about you."

I chuckle, imagining all the wonderful things Brooke probably has to say about me. "Thanks, man. I needed someone who doesn't automatically think I'll wreck this, too."

He nods. "I better get back. I told the girls I'd bring them pizza. Haley is really milking the pregnancy thing for the food service, I'll tell you that."

"How – I mean, okay, how's it been? She told me how she found out, but was she sick? Does she have cravings? Does the baby kick? I don't know any of those things."

He looks at me considering for a minute and then smiles. "You know what? I think Haley will want to tell you all those things." He stands up. "Yeah, she will. Okay, I'm out of here. See you soon, man."

"Yeah, thanks," I mumble, not really paying attention as he leaves. I don't know if it is what he intended, but he's given me hope. A hope that I haven't really had in a long time, but especially not today.