If They Only Knew…

Returning to his room, Randy was thankful to find that Dave had apparently gone out for the evening. Up to the same old shit. Different girls, different bar, different city, but same old shit. I don't think I could go back to that now. Thank God he isn't here tonight. I am in no mood for explanations and I don't want to be dragged out to some dive when all I can think about is Lita and how I want to spend every moment in her arms. Randy flopped on the bed staring up toward the ceiling recalling the past few moments. He wanted to try to forget about the huge mistake he had just made. I told her I would help her – that I would be there for support. Then what do I do? I let my emotions get the better of me! I kissed her! I can't believe I did that. What the hell was I thinking? She was in no way ready for that kiss. If only he could replay those last few moments with her. If only he could take that first kiss back and save it for the moment she was ready. Now she may never be able to forgive him. He might never get the chance to show her how he felt, or to help her through this painful ordeal. What would tomorrow bring? His mind wandered and whirled until at last the weariness overcame him and his eyes became heavy. His feelings of guilt slowly subsided as his head began to swim with thoughts of the redhead down the hall. His eyes finally closed and sleep overcame him. But even in his dreams, he could still hear her voice, see her eyes, her lips…

The Next Morning

"So, where the hell were you last night? Busy pleasuring some ring rat?" Batista's voice broke into his slumber, as Randy slowly sat up in his bed, the events of last night once again flooding his thoughts. He wished he could silence Batista, stop the flood of guilt rushing back to his mind, and return to Lita in his dreams. Sighing, Randy looked over and saw Batista, dressed in workout gear, preparing to go down to the hotel gym. Dave was watching him intently, wondering what thoughts were behind Randy's silence. He had seen the flash of sadness and frustration cross his features. But as quickly as it had appeared, it faded.

"What? Oh, no man. I had a couple of things I needed to sort out. That's all…no biggie. So, what'd I miss last night?" he asked.

"Nothing much. It was the usual – women, alcohol. Way too much alcohol," Dave said with a small chuckle. Randy smiled knowing the big man was probably suffering from a pretty good hangover this morning. Reaching into his bag that was laying next to the bed, he grabbed the bottle of aspirin he always carried and tossed it in Dave's direction.

"Thanks man. Appreciate it. I'm gonna head down to the gym to work out for a little while. Do you want to come?" asked Dave, as he popped two aspirin and took a long drink from his bottle of water.

"No, thanks. I think I'm just going to take a shower and watch some t.v. for a while. I can still feel the pounding I took last night. I just need to relax a for a bit…" said Randy. Dave nodded in understanding. Randy's match the night before had been brutal. Dave understood completely what he was feeling. What he didn't understand were the looks of unhappiness, frustration, and apprehension that kept crossing Randy's features. Randy was a really private person. Dave knew that until Randy was ready, there was no way to break his silence.

"See you in a few hours, kid. Enjoy the peace and quiet…" Dave shouted as he walked out of the hotel room. Randy sat there for a moment, before finally standing up and making his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

In Lita's Room...

"So? How was your night? Did you feel any better after leaving the arena?" asked Trish as the three friends lounged around Lita's hotel room, drinking coffee and munching bagels. Trish was happy to see her friend looking so relaxed this morning. She couldn't remember the last time Lita had seemed comfortable just sitting around and talking.

"Oh, yeah…much better. I think I just needed to rest a bit. I pretty much came back here, laid on the bed, and relaxed. Nothing special," said Lita.

"Really? And Randy? He just dropped you off and came back to the arena? We saw him in his match last night, but then he disappeared right after that and he didn't come out to the club with any of us," Stacy exclaimed knowingly.

"Why are you so curious about Randy and I? We're just friends…that's all."

"Friends, huh? Come on Li. We see the way he looks at you, the way he was looking at you last night. We are your best friends – you can tell us if something's going on between you two," said Trish.

"Randy and I are just friends. Nothing more. I swear!" cried Lita, looking pointedly at her two friends. Trish and Stacy looked back at her for a moment, studying her features. She looked tired. There were dark circles under her eyes and those eyes – there was something there that worried both of them, although both Trish and Stacy weren't sure what it was. All they knew was that the Lita sitting across from them now, was not the same woman they had known months ago. They missed the Lita who used to sing along with the radio even when she didn't know the words, who would prank call other wrestlers in the middle of the night, who could dance for hours at the clubs. Where had she gone? What had happened to her?

"So if Randy's not the reason you've been acting different around us, then what is it? Please Lita, talk to us. Tell us what we need to do to help. There's obviously something wrong. We just want to be there for you…" pleaded Stacy.

They want to help me. They know something's wrong. That there's something different. All I have to do is open my mouth and tell them. Tell them the secret I've been keeping for the past two months. Why can't I just do that? Why can't I just let go?

"Did something happen at home, with your family? Everyone's okay right?" When Lita shook her head in affirmation, Trish continued. "Well, then did something happen at work? This doesn't have to do with your match a few weeks ago against Victoria does it? That's not it, is it Lita?" asked Trish. She and Stacy continued to look at her with identical looks of concern on their faces.

"Li? We're your best friends. What could be wrong – so wrong – that you can't tell us? What could have possibly happened that has had you so tied up in knots these last couple of months? We love you Li. We would never judge you, no matter what you tell us." said Stacy.

Lita opened her mouth in an attempt to speak, but no words would come out. If they only knew…I want to tell them. I want to tell them so badly. But what if they blame themselves for what happened? What if they think it's their fault because they let me walk back to the hotel alone. What if they criticize me for being so goddamn independent, so stubborn and refusing to call a cab or wait and walk back to the hotel with them? What if… Lita was biting her lower lip as she thought about what she should do. She wanted to tell them, to release herself of this nightmare, to be able to put into words everything she had been feeling the last couple of months. But she couldn't – not just yet. Lita looked around her hotel room before her eyes came to rest once again on her two best friends. They were practically begging her to talk to them, to tell them her deepest, darkest secret. And she couldn't do it. She just couldn't make the words come out.

Forcing a smile, Lita said, "It's nothing girls. I don't want you to worry – everything's fine. I guess I'm just missing home. We've been on the road for so long now…I just want to be able to go back to North Carolina for a few days and see my family. That's all…" The excuse sounded lame, even to Lita. Why can't I just tell them the truth? It would be so easy, so freeing to tell them everything that's happened, everything I've gone through. To tell them about days and the nights and the fear. To tell them about – well, about Randy – and their friendship. Friendship. Is that all it really is? A friendship?

Trish and Stacy nodded understandingly, although, secretly, neither of them truly believed what Lita had just said. They had seen Lita feeling homesick before, and usually she dealt with it by going out, having fun with friends, or doing something completely crazy to keep her mind off her family. But this time? Something just wasn't adding up. Lita had been too quiet lately, to secretive, to desirous of being alone. Trish wanted to take her friend by the shoulders and shake her – demand that she tell them the truth. However, she also knew that when something was bothering Lita, it was best to give her space and time and eventually she would come around and tell them what she was thinking. Glancing at her watch, Trish realized that it was already almost noon and she needed to run a couple of errands before getting in a workout at the gym.

"Li, sweetie…I have to get going. I've got a bunch of errands I need to run and then I better hall myself to the gym to workout for at least a little while…"

"Yeah, I've got to get going too. I've got to meet with the PR people about a couple of personal appearances they want me to make. Sounds like fun, right?" Stacy asked as she and Trish made their way towards the door. Lita smiled at the sarcasm she heard in Stacy's voice.

"Oh hey!" said Trish, turning and looking back at Lita. "We're going to the Paesanos Lounge tonight. It's this cute little bar that just opened in downtown. Come with us? We'll go get some drinks and just unwind a bit. It'll be fun," offered Trish.

Should I? Going out with my friends could be a lot of fun. Then again, going out only reminds me of how my nightmare started. But I definitely need to have a little fun. I'm getting so sick and tired of staring at these four walls every day. I need to start living my life again – being with other people, not being afraid. I can't allow that asshole to get the best of me. I can't let him continue to fuck with my head. It's over—it needs to be over for me. I need to regain control. I'm a fucking strong woman! Okay – I'll go, I'll go. Right, I'll go. Lita thought as she tried to convince herself.

"Okay. I'll go. It sounds like fun…" Lita said trying to keep the apprehension she was feeling out of her voice.

"Good…great! We'll come pick you up. This is going to be so much fun! How 'bout we come get you around nine-thirty? That okay with you?" asked Stacy with a genuine smile of happiness on her face. Lita nodded her head in agreement. She hugged each of her friends and offered them a small wave as they began making their way back to their hotel room. Closing and locking the door behind them, she sighed and leaned back closing her eyes. If they only knew…she thought. Pushing herself off the wall, Lita walked over to the nightstand, picking up the piece of paper that sat next to the phone. Dialing the number, she was surprised when it was answered on the second ring.

"Do you mind if I stop by? I really need to talk. Okay – yeah, five minutes. Thanks," she said as she hung up the phone, running her fingers through her hair before grabbing her key card and walking quickly out of room and down the hall.

Five Minutes Later

Lita quietly knocked on the door and waited. She glanced first to her left and then her right, but the hallway was completely empty. Suddenly, the door swung open. Breathing a sigh of relief, Lita entered the room, making her way over to one of the chairs. Randy quietly shut the door behind him and made his way back over to the bed where he laid down on his stomach so he could look at the redheaded diva.

"Hey! How was your morning?" he asked. But before she had a chance to answer, he looked at her, his eyes pleading with her to understand. "I'm really sorry about last night. I definitely overstepped by bounds. It never should have happened," he said almost in a whisper.

Lita studied his features for a moment, before responding. "Randy, it's okay. If it wasn't, I definitely wouldn't be sitting with you in your hotel room right now." Giving him a small, crooked smile, she quickly averted her eyes from his and began studying her hands.

"What's up? You okay?" he asked with a touch of concern in his voice.

"Sort of. I was just having breakfast with Trish and Stacy in my room and they started asking questions. They know something's wrong, that I'm different than I was a couple of months ago. Randy – I wanted to tell them the truth…I wanted to tell them what had really happened. But I froze. I couldn't do it…" she trailed off as she noticed Randy studying her face. "What? Do I have something on my face?" Lita brushed her cheek with the back of her hand, concerned that she had left some breakfast crumbs on the side of her lip. Randy avoided her gaze, realizing he must have been staring at her beauty. He couldn't help it. She was so goddamn gorgeous.

"Oh, no! It's just…never mind. So you couldn't tell them, huh? Li, maybe you're just not ready yet, and that's okay. You have to come to terms with this whole situation and until you do, it'll be really hard to talk about with anyone else," Randy said, reaching out and placing one of his hands on Lita's knee. He quickly withdrew his hand, afraid of what her reaction might be to his touch.

"Yeah well…they invited me to go to this bar with them tonight. I told them I would go. I guess I just need to start living again, to begin doing the things I used to do before all this started. I can't let the fear win."

Randy watched the play of emotions across her face as she told him she would be venturing out with her friends that evening. He knew she was nervous, fearful – but he also knew that she was one of the strongest women he had ever met, that she would eventually conquer her fears.

"I think that's good. Go – have fun. Trish and Stacy will be there with you, so I'm sure everything will be fine," he said with a small smile.

Lita looked again into his blue eyes that were once again intently staring at her.

"Before, when you were staring at me and you started to say something and then stopped – what were you going to say?" she asked.

"Oh. Nothing. It was nothing," Randy hesitated.

"It was something. Come on…what were you going to say? I never thought you would be the kind of guy who couldn't speak his mind," Lita challenged him.

Randy actually laughed at this. "You want to know what I was going to say? Fine. I was going to say…I was going to say that you look beautiful." As he said the last part, he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He sat staring into her hazel eyes, a look of intense concentration on his face, as if he was trying to read her thoughts. Lita returned his gaze, looking into his ice blue eyes without flinching. The tension filling the room was obvious. Both of them knew that in a short time, a very short time, their feelings for each other had begun to run deeper than friendship. Randy wanted to reach out and wrap his arms around her, to kiss her until her knees went weak, to hold her in his arms and feel her lips against his. He didn't dare make a move towards her though. Randy was afraid that if he crossed that boundary again, much like he did the night before, he would lose her forever. And that was a risk he was not willing to take.

Although she had pushed away from him last night, at this moment, Lita wanted nothing more than to capture his full red lips with her own, to feel his strong arms around her. But she couldn't – she wasn't ready to be that close to someone just yet – to be that close to him. Finally pulling her eyes away, she realized neither one of them had spoken a single word for the last few minutes. It was as if they both knew what the other person wanted, but were too afraid to put it into words. The silence and tension filling the room was becoming extremely awkward. Finally, Randy spoke.

"I think I'm going to take a nap," he whispered. Lita, a little taken aback by the statement, stood up ready to leave, but his next words caught her by surprise. "Care to join me?" he asked. She slowly turned and looked at him. Raising an eyebrow, Randy looked at her with questioning eyes, a smile playing on his lips. "To rest, I mean! I know you sleep better when someone is in the room and you can relax. I didn't mean to imply anything else, Lita." Without a word, Lita nodded and walked back towards him. Randy sighed quietly as he watched her lay down – not on his bed, but on Dave's – and curl into a ball, closing her eyes. He understood why she couldn't be that close to him, that it was too soon for her, but he was frustrated all the same. He wanted her, wanted her like no other woman he had ever met. He would have to wait—even though it might kill him.

The Nightmare…

You can't run bitch. I'm always here, always in your head. Always waiting and watching. You scream, you die. You scream, you die. You scream, you d-

Lita sat straight up in the bed, panting, trying to catch her breath. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her whole body was shaking. Swiftly, a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around her and a deep, soothing voice was whispering in her ear.

"Li…it's okay baby. It was just a nightmare. You're here, safe with me. He can't hurt you. I won't let him hurt you." Randy took his thumb and wiped away the tears that remained on her cheeks. Her breathing slowly began to return to normal and she had stopped shaking.

"It's never going to stop Randy! Every time, it's the same. I can hear his voice over and over again in my head. The same words repeating themselves and I can't escape! And now? I can't even escape it during the day. Whenever I hear any sound out of the ordinary, any unfamiliar voice, it scares the shit out me. Daymares," she said with a bitter laugh. "As if the nightmares weren't bad enough, I now have to deal with it during the day too! "

"Shhh. It's going to be okay. It will all be okay…" said Randy feeling completely helpless as Lita's tears began to fall again. He quietly stroked her hair, as he held her protectively against him. Lita buried her head in his chest and he could feel her tears soaking through his t-shirt. Knowing neither one of them would be able to fall back to sleep, he just held her close to him, offering her any calming words he could think of…

Sometime Later

"Sorry kids. Didn't realize young Randall here would have company. I'm just going to grab a quick shower and then I'll be out of your way," said Batista as he returned from his workout to find Randy cradling Lita in his arms. Dave could see Randy whispering to the redhead, but he couldn't make out what he was saying to her.

Lita unhooked herself from Randy's grasp hoping her eyes weren't so puffy and red as to betray the fact that she had been crying. As Randy stood, he looked over at Dave who was busy digging clothes out of his suitcase and said, "Hey man, it's not what you think. We were just talking." Randy gave Dave a pleading look, as if to say don't blow this—I will explain later.

"Randy, I, uh, I better go. I have couple of phone calls I need to make and some other stuff to get done," Lita whispered as she stood up from the bed. Randy walked her over to the door. As she walked out into the hallway, he gently grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.

"Have dinner with me tonight. We don't have to go out if you don't want to. We could just stay in, order takeout or room service or something. Whatever you want."

"Yeah, okay. Six o'clock okay with you?" she asked. That way, I can have dinner with Randy and still have plenty of time to get ready to go out with Trish and Stacy. Randy nodded his head in agreement and watched as the redhead made her way down the hallway and back to her room.

Randy turned and went back into the room, only to find Dave standing there, arms across his massive chest, with a questioning look on his face.

"So, is this the young lady you were busy with all night? Is she the reason you didn't come out with us last night? Tell me Randy, was she a good lay?"

"God! Do you have to be such an ass all the time? It's not like that man. We're friends. Got it? Just friends." Bullshit man. That's complete bullshit and you know it. You haven't wanted to be just friends since you lay there and watched her sleep two nights ago. "I'm just helping her out with something and we've gotten to know each other better. Dave, please don't make a big deal about this. Can we just keep it between us, please?"

Dave was a bit taken aback by the tone in Randy's voice. He was practically pleading with him not to say anything. Geez, he must really have feelings for this girl. "Yeah, okay Randy. Don't worry about it. I won't say anything to anyone." Randy smiled in relief as Dave grabbed his clothes and headed into the bathroom.

"Thanks man. I appreciate it," said Randy.

"No problem kid," said Dave as he closed the door to the bathroom, smiling at the young superstar.

Lita's Room

What phone calls do I have to make? None! I have nothing to do right now. I wish Dave hadn't come back. I could have laid in his arms forever. She flopped on her bed exasperatedly. He's the only guy I've felt safe around in months. He makes me feel again. He makes me feel like I can let go of the control – that I don't have to keep everything inside all the time. It's strange – I feel comfortable around him, like I've known him forever. I can be close to him without feeling fear and panic. Lita smiled to herself. The smile quickly faded as she recalled the nightmare she had just woken up to. It was the same nightmare she had been having every night since her attack. But this time, instead of waking up alone in some dark hotel room, feeling as if the walls were closing in around her, she had woken up with Randy offering her comforting words, wiping away her tears, making her feel that, yes, everything would eventually be okay. Grabbing a magazine off her bedside table, she began flipping through the pages, not really reading. As she went through the motions, she daydreamed about Randy and their dinner together, stopping frequently to check the clock, hoping six o'clock would roll around sooner rather than later.