Schwarz Journals (Day 7/?)
By Ray-Chan
April 21, 2001
Journal of Brad Crawford
We fought again today. I give up. I loved Schuldich… I really did, and I *thought* he loved me back. Damn him! I hate it when I'm confused.
He came home at two o'clock this morning… wearing nothing but a grass skirt and about twenty different kinds of cologne (none of which he wears on a regular basis) and he smelled of alcohol and cheep cigarettes.
He stumbled drunkenly into our bed last night, pulling me atop him and moaning for me to take him. I could already taste the sex on his skin, and it sickened me. I wanted to shove Schuldich away from me. I wanted to throw him out of the room and lock the door.
…So why did I sleep with him? Why did I have sex with him over and over again? No. Not even that. It was rough and animal, even cruel.
I fucked him. Maybe raped him, too for all I know. Even through his drunken haze, when I went to take him for the third time, he squirmed below me, clutching weakly to my shoulders and back as he begged me to stop. But I still continued with him, taking pleasure from him body even after he passed out from exhaustion.
I was angry with Schuldich and he paid for it. Now I'm just as angry with myself for giving into him …for making him bleed …for having sex with his unconscious body. So many reasons.
I still hate him for being so promiscuous. It's not like my actions could have soiled his body any more than what he must have done with who knows how many men before me in the club that night.
…I haven't spoken to him since he passed out and I left the bedroom. It just hurt too much to look at his body since I spoiled it. Instead, I took a walk through mainstream Tokyo, hoping to clear my head a little and finally get some answers to all the questions running rampant through my mind.
By the time I returned, Schuldich had disappeared. He did leave his journal, though… I'm almost afraid to know.
~ * ~
Cautiously, he picked up Schuldich's journal.
~ * ~
Fuckbook
Day 7
……What happened last night, Brad? Now don't think I was too drunk to remember anything. I remember clubbing, but I came home to you afterwards. I love you, Brad. I wanted to spend the night in your arms.
Okay, so I was pretty fucking plastered. But… you were so rough with me. You're never that harsh, *especially* during sex. It hurt, Brad. God it hurt.
…You're angry with me. Yeah, sometimes it's good to be telepathic. You think I slept with someone else. Damn it Brad! How *could* you?!?! Don't you have *any* trust in me?!
You thought I was completely drunk last night, but I could still hear you thoughts. Those things you wanted to scream while driving into me…. "slut", "whore", bitch", "trash"… I heard them, Brad. I heard them, but you didn't even notice when I cried. Why do you think I begged you to stop? You didn't care that you were just using me.
…You didn't stop, did you? I don't think you did at least. That's *sick*, Brad. I was "unconscious*, and you still didn't stop. And then you left me to wake up in a tangle of sheets stained red with my own blood? Honestly, even I never thought someone could be so cruel.
But then I guess that's my problem. My life is yours. My soul, my body… all yours. Whenever (and however) you choose to want me is your decision. I gave up my rights when I told you I loved you.
I miss you, liebe. I miss you, and I want you back so badly it hurts. Whatever you choose, just remember:
I love you…
~ * ~
Crawford was struck speechless.
// Even after all I did to him last night, he still- //
"I said I loved you, and I meant forever, Brad."
He turned to see Schuldich leaning against the doorframe. Not in a casual or mocking stance… it looked as if he couldn't stand on his own, back angled slightly against the wood. Crawford's head dropped.
"….Schuldich…. I-I'm sorry."
"I know." Slender arms wrapped about Brad's shoulders and the older man leaned into the warm touch. Red hair brushed feather-like across his neck as the German curled up into Crawford's lap, tucking his head beneath the other man's chin and rubbing his cheek affectionately against his chest.
Crawford hugged the smaller man close.
"I love you, Schuldich. I-I would never want to hurt you. What…What I did was a mistake. I do believe you."
"Hmm?"
"That you didn't sleep with those men." He smiled and kissed Schuldich softly. "I'm happy with you just the way you are. …Are you happy?"
When Schuldich didn't reply, but just shifted slightly out of the embrace, Crawford looked to him with questioning eyes.
"Brad, ..um…" Schuldich averted his gaze. "Do you think we should spend a little time apart?"
"N-NANI?!?!"
"It's just…I dunno." Schuldich moved to stand, but strong arms held him in place on his lover's lap. He looked to Crawford with soft green eyes. "….Brad…. Maybe it will be good for us. You know… 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. Shouldn't we just give it a try?"
Crawford's eyes slid shut in resignation just as his hold released on his slender redhead.
"I don't want you to go, Schuldich. Why can you just stay with me? I-I'm sorry for everything I've done. Just… please?"
Schuldich smiled slightly and leaned in to kiss the older man gently.
"I'm not saying 'goodbye', Brad. I just want some time to myself. Maybe you would like the same."
Slowly, he made his way to the door, but turned back at Brad's voice.
"You won't be sleeping in our room tonight, will you?"
"Nein. My room. My *old* room." He blew a kiss to his lover with a wink. "I'll be back between your sheets before you even begin to miss me."
…And he left Crawford with just his journals and a few tears.
~ * ~
April 21, 2001
Entry 7
Schuldich was crying today. You didn't see him though. He came into my room while I was reading Martha Stewart Living. It's good reading. You should try it.
Well, Schuldich just ran into my room and locked the door behind him, telling me to be quiet so you wouldn't hear him. I almost smacked him. That was my private time with Martha, and I don't like to share her with ANYONE.
He left eventually after he said you went out again. You must have done something baaaaaad to him. (….tell me everything later.)
..What else….
Oh, Nagi hugged me again today. I don't know why. I told him not to. It feels…. weird. Too warm.
When I told him to stop, he just looked at me funny. I said hugs are bad. God likes hugs. Hugs make God all warm and fuzzy inside.
So Nagi taught me how to REALLY hug! Nagi says that if you reach around and grab the other person's ass while hugging then God cries. Especially if the ass you grab belongs to another man. Heh heh heh. We made God cry today. I grabbed a lot of ass.
…But Nagi says grabbing your own ass doesn't count so I had to practice with him, too. Nagi says if we keep practicing we'll get *really* good and then God will cry a river. That'll be fun to see….
~ * ~
Crawford sighed softly.
// Farfarello just doesn't see it. Maybe Nagi will… //
~ * ~
April 21
…I think I'm falling in love again. It just seems to soon to know. I wish I understood things a little better. Life just keeps getting more and more complicated.
I taught Farfarello how to hug today. He didn't like it at first, but I changed the rules a little, so now he won't stop glomping me. ::snicker:: I find it kinda funny. The last man you'd ever expect to like hugging.
Oh, I kinda noticed you and Schuldich avoiding each other. Good luck with working things out.
Ja ne.
~ * ~
// Thank you, Nagi. //
Crawford reached for his own black leather journal with a sigh, skimming over his last entry with a frown.
~ * ~
~ * Schwarz Member Assessment : Day 7 * ~
Nagi is in love with Farfarello I believe. I can't be sure really, but all the signs are there. Yet, I'm curious what Farfie will do when *he* finds out….
Farfarello doesn't seem to understand Nagi's attentions. He might just think of the boy as something like a playmate or a teacher, but nothing more. If he doesn't figure it out soon, I'm sure one of us will push him in the right direction.
Schuldich…. I love him dearly, and even though he knows that, he wants time apart. I don't know what to think. He doesn't act angry towards me for my actions last night, but he still does not seem to want a discussion of it.
Myself, I am sorry for the current situation with Schuldich, but I love him too much to say 'no' when he wants some time to himself.
~ * ~
Placing the journal beside him on the kitchen table, Crawford put his head down on folded arms to rest. Maybe he would have pleasant dreams: Schuldich would be his again and they would be happy together.
….But it would only be a dream….
~ * ~ * ~ End Day 7 ~ * ~ * ~