I think this is one of the funniest episodes yet, but that might just be because it's 3 AM and I'm up sick with a cold and I feel like crap. Read if you're in the mood.

This part's for Meg (my lovely Meryl), Steve (my in-the-closet-seme Legato), and Ben (the world's bitch, Vash)

Enjoy.

Schwarz Journals (Day 14/?)

April 28, 2001

Journal of Brad Crawford

It's strange how I've just stopped looking into the future of my mentally troubled teammates lately in favor of forecasting work alone, but I feel that living experiences twice over is more punishment than even I deserve. For the same reasons now, I find it's not that I doubt Schuldich's affections for me, but sometimes that man makes me question.

We were sent on a mission today, the details of which I will spare you since it neither matters, nor am I excited by the possibility of writing about them. However, the issue arose over Schuldich's true nature when we later met back at the apartment after becoming separated, and I discovered that he was rather cheerful now, having raped a battle-bruised Yohji Kudou following our encounter with WeiB.

He claimed "the bitch was just asking for it." I pointed out that it's hard for one to ask when one is rather unconscious at the time. …Damn him. Maybe Schuldich doesn't count this little excursion into the manipulating of WeiB as cheating upon our own relationship, but he could have at least –asked- me before fucking Kudou's brains out and leaving him naked on a bench in the public park.

…Maybe it's time we had another talk..

~ * ~

Crawford looked up from over the top of his journal upon his various teammates, for once all together and seated about the room comfortably to watch the late-night porn movie. …All courtesy of Schuldich's night to chose their entertainment, and Crawford's headache too much of an obstacle to protest at the moment.

Instead, he chose to drown out the moaning and wet slapping noises by opening the next journal with a sigh.

"Yeah! Stick 'em both in her! Whoo hoooo!"

….so much for concentration..

~ * ~

April 28, 2001

Entry 14

I've given up on trying to "convince" Nagi that I should be the seme every now and then. I guess the little fucker's learned something from you afterall in how you bitch-treat Schuldich. Sure, it's amusing when you do it, but then the little bastard has to go carbon copy and act all Mini Brad and shit. I think having one of you is enough abuse already.

Yeah, writing crap…. Blah, blah…

So after I failed on my own to convince Mini Brad that he's a dominating little fucker, I thought 'Hey, maybe Schuldich has some ideas', which was probably another lapse in whatever sanity I still have since your fuck-toy is ever more whipped than I am. Either way, he just laughed at me until I threatened to shave him bald and paint his head pink in his sleep.

But hey, I was just about to give up when I realized that it's time I got some outside help. Someone who I can just talk to and can tell me what the fuck is up with everyone. Mr. Brew is just so smart and he never talks to anyone but me so I don't have to worry about him pissing me off with stupid insight like your German whore.

I'll find a way to topple Mini Brad. Mr. Brew will show me. He knows everything. Mr. Brew is smart.

Ja.

~ * ~

"….Mr..Brew?" Crawford blinked, looking over Farfarello's journal entry then over to where the Irishman was sprawled upon an armchair, one leg over the back, the other twisted unnaturally under him. …and he appeared to be petting a…can of beer? "Farfarello….Um, you do realize that you can't take sexual advice from a can of beer just because you name it.."

Instantly the younger man's piercing yellow eye slitted and glared Crawford for all the psycho was worth. Silent a moment, though his head cocked a bit to the side as if listening to a-

"You're right. I don't think he's getting laid tonight, either."

Crawford choked mid-sip on his coffee, rather indignant now…even though it was the truth.

"What the -hell- are you talking about?!"

"Mr. Brew says you had a fight with your bitch and aren't getting any sex tonight."

"He….W-WHAT?!?!"

"No nookie. None of the horizontal tango. No wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am."

It didn't seem like Farfarello cared to keep eye-contact with the American any longer now that the late-night porn flick had picked up a notch and now included at least five men all trouncing some busty blonde whore. …That and Crawford's suspicions that the younger man had every form of ADD imaginable.

"Farfie, it's a fucking CAN OF BEER!!!"

"….Don't be jealous."

"ARRRGHHH!!!!!"

~ * ~

April 28

Today was rather interesting. It seems that Farfarello isn't quite the willing uke I took him for. He decided to drop in on me this afternoon in something of a crazed state (literally, Crawford. He was foaming at the mouth) and he just kept trying to pin me to the bed. I guess he really wanted to be seme.

I just half-ignored him and finished my homework, mentally throwing him through the wall whenever he screeched and tried to pounce me again. Yeah, yeah, so I apologize for the Farf-shaped holes in the wall, okay? Eventually he kinda got dazed enough for me to stick him in the straight jacket and screw him again before sticking him back in his cell.

…I think he's kinda angry at me now, though. He's been sitting around grumbling to a can of beer all day. …Is he even legal to drink, Crawford? Not a good idea to leave alcohol around where he can get it.

Ja ne.

~ * ~

"Don't drink that, Farfarello. I don't need a drunken psycho on my hands."

The Irishman didn't even flinch, calmly cradling his can of beer and watching the tv porn with strange detachment only he could manage.

"I'm not drinking Mr. Brew. I'm petting him."

"Braaddd…" Schuldich quickly broke in with a feigned whine, more perverted snickering than anything. "You never let me just pet him! I always have to drink and swallow it a-"

"-Don't be hentai, Schuldich."

~ * ~

Fuckbook

Day 14

….Brad.. ….You're not still angry at me for the whole Kudou incident, are you? I mean… Okay, so yeah I did fuck him rotten. But it's only because you never let me be seme to you! How the hell else am I supposed to get the chance, hmm liebe? With that stick up your ass there's no room for me anyway.

It's all your fault, Brad! You've driven me into the arms of another semi-conscious manslut! You should be ashamed of yourself! Damn it, you're sleeping on the couch tonight!

~ * ~

"Wait a second…..how is it that you're blaming ME for your whoring around, Schuldich?!"

The redhead didn't seem a bit fazed, just calmly lying there on the couch with one arm cushioned behind his head and a long leg extended to stick one of his socked feet into Farfarello's lap in an effort to arouse the younger man. It didn't seem to be working. Farfarello was just staring at gyrating bodies upon the TV screen and mumbling something every now and then to Mr. Brew.

"It is your fault. You're evil by nature."

"What does that have to with you being a slut?"

Schuldich just grinned, triumphant for somehow having managed to unclasp the button to Farfarello's slacks just using his toes.

"You're my lover, Brad. Not my sugar daddy. SchuSchu needs some mutual loving."

Crawford faintly twitched.

"Schuldich….I am –not- your pimp, and don't speak in the third person."

"But SchuSchu likes to. It annoys his pimp daddy."

*twitch* "I'm going to kill you. You realize it's just a matter of time before you all cause me to snap.."

Grinning, Schuldich leaned over and patted his lover's cheek.

"Oh, and we do sooo love you for your homicidal tendencies too…"

"..Bite me."

"Only if I get to be on top."

"Then screw you."

"That defeats the purpose, Bradley-chaaaan."

"…Grrrrrrr………"

~ * ~

~ * Schwarz Member Assessment : Day 14 * ~

Schuldich somehow always finds a way to try my patience. Yes, I've already forgiven him for fucking Yohji Kudou, but I wonder now what exactly do we have in this 'relationship' of ours if little is based on love, and sex is just thrown around so casually in Schu's eyes.

Nagi refuses to give up the possibility that perhaps Farfarello is not going to be an easy lover to handle. It's strange how I can see some truth in Farfarello's words; Nagi has indeed taken after my techniques in how I handle Schuldich. However, I refuse to believe that whatever problems he may encounter is born from a connection to me.

Farfarello is once again showing some of his neurotic tendencies. It's not just in his actions this time, but I honestly worry if he can hear voices. If so, it might be time to change his medications again.

Myself, I have decided to make a conscious effort to just let things happen as they will, both in my relationship with Schuldich but also in the other matters which have been concerning me as of present.

~ * ~

"AAAGHNNN!!! BRRAAADDD!!! MAKEHIMSTOPMAKEHIMSTOP!!!!"

Looking up from his journal slightly annoyed, Crawford was greeted to the sight of his lover sprawled upon the floor and in a headlock courtesy of Farfarello who was pinning him to the carpet. One knee was shoved painfully into the redhead's back, the other trapping Schuldich's hands, and Farfarello's slacks, having been unfastened moments before by the horny telepath, now resided somewhere around ankles.

"HE DRANK MR. BREW!! NOW YOU --DIE--!"

"NUUU!!!! BRRRAAAADDD!!!! …Damn it, why don't you CARE?"

Brad just blinked, crossing his legs casually and looking down on his two teammates with a clear lack of concern.

"If you get beer stains on my carpet, I'll kill you."

"BRRAADDD!!!"

"Shut up and DIE, bitch!"

"Both of you, shut up!" Nagi growled over the commotion. "I can't hear the porn!"

~ * ~ * ~ End Day 14 ~ * ~ * ~