He placed his hand on the small of her back and she literally jumped. She turned and met his gaze with a shocked and surprised expression. He stood frozen and hurt, his hand suspended in mid-air like it had been caught in the cookie jar.
"I'm…I'm sorry you just caught me off guard." She answered as honestly as she could without sounding too harsh or too bitter.
"No problem." He lied. "Let's go."
He nodded his head towards the doors at the end of the hallway, the ones he had planned to guide her through like old times, and began moving forward, both hands at his side.
She quickly turned forward and kept her place one step in front of him and listened to his ragged breath. He didn't look so good and she couldn't handle seeing him this way on top of everything else.
He felt stupid. Stupid for assuming that she could be there for him; stupid for assuming that she would allow him to lean on her to get through this. Seconds ago he had just wanted to touch her, just wanted to know that she was real and not going anywhere. The truth was, she had already gone. She had asked for her independence and she had taken it when he wouldn't give it.
If he let himself, he could think back to his talks with various Stanley's over the years and he could psychoanalyze if he had gone through all the steps of grief that occur when you lose someone. He saw her absence in his life as lose and it should be dealt with accordingly.
Blaring him right in the face was the denial. When she told him the news he had laughed her off. "No your not." That was his brilliant response. "Walk with me." He realizes how desperate and pathetic he must have sounded, how far into denial he really was. That few seconds of conversation plagued him.
"Look at me, look at my face." She had said it with such authority, her words played over and over in his head just as that face was burned into his mind's eye when he tried to fall asleep.
Next for him came the bargaining. He would pray that if he could just see her in the hall, just catch her in the elevator that he would tell her everything she needed to hear, or rather everything he needed to say. He had brought her the beer the night of the convention praying that she would see it, read his mind and accept him with all his flaws. That night she had just accepted the beer.
That's when the anger came. The anger was really his longest stage. He was angry when he saw her go back to the White House with Will, he was angry when she came to interview, he was mad as hell when Lou hired her right under his nose. He yelled, he ignored her and he didn't touch her all.
That's what led to the depression. He would see her, looking calm and cool in front of the press, looking sharp in front of the Congressman, looking like a pro in all aspects of the campaign and it would just make him sad. He would hear her voice, the old Donna seeming to come back as she shot him a witty one liner over the phone and his heart would ache. Ache that they would never be the same, ache that she no longer looked at him like she once had and ached that it was all his fault.
But it wasn't until now, two minutes before they walked out into the rose garden, it wasn't until Josh had reached his hand up to feel the stability of having Donna near him that he reached the step of acceptance in his grief walk. Her rebuff once and for all let him know that she was not his. Once and for all she gave him the definite knowledge that the ship had sailed and he had missed it by a long shot.
He began to weep bitterly right as the reached the end of the hallway. He wept for his lose, both of Donna and of Leo and he mostly wept because he knew he was starting the five steps all over again. He knew that that he was in political denial that his Vice-Presidential candidate was gone. He knew that he was angry with every message from every high ranking Democratic that had been left on his phone letting him know that their long years of service helped them to cope at moments like these. They always seemed to work in their voting record somehow, causing Josh to question whether they had a compassionate bone in their bodies or if politics was the only thing that mattered to them.
He knew now that so much more mattered to him, but it seems he learned it just a little too late.
He didn't want to face the bargaining, didn't want to be depressed about or accept Leo's death. He couldn't stop the tears and he stopped abruptly, unable to make his feet move through the doors. He was glad that it was just the two of them, Donna had seen him weak before and his new found acceptance of their sterile relationship made him feel as if all her opinions of him were preformed anyway and this breakdown wouldn't change anything. He half expected her to tell him to re-group and that she would meet him at the service. He half expected her to not even notice and just continue through the doors without him.
What he did not expect was to feel her hands on his cheeks, to hear her soft coos telling him to be calm and to take deep breaths. He didn't expect her to pull him to her chest and wrap him in tight embrace. He felt her fingers on the curls of his neck as he had imagined them so many times under different circumstances.
They stood in the hallway for what felt like forever as Josh calmed his tears and yet when she let go of him it felt too soon for his liking. He met her gaze and saw the tear tracks down her cheeks and he wished to God that he could have been the strong one, that he could have held to his chest as he cried for a fallen friend and mentor.
She gave him a small and sad smile and told him that he was going to be alright. She told him that they were probably waiting for them outside and she asked him if he was sure he wanted to go. He nodded and gave her a matching smile, one filled with years of apologies and unspoken words.
She reached into his jacket and pulled his sunglasses out of his shirt pocket. She placed them on his face and smoothed his hair. He sniffed, twice, and wiped his hand across his nose.
"Charming." She said with a slight grin and shake of his head.
"I try." He sounded like the old Josh if just for that moment.
He wanted to reach for her but couldn't take the rejection if she pulled away. His fears were answered when she reached down and took him by the hand, essentially pulling him through the doors and into the bright sunlight.
The front row was a somber sight. Charlie stood stoic yet obviously pained. CJ clutched to Danny Concannon's arm as if the shorter man was holding her up. Margaret was sitting beside her, unable to stand under the circumstances. She was looking down so that all you could see was the top of her large black hat.
Mallory was with the President, First Lady and their three girls. Doug was there, and the new fruit fly husband. For a moment Josh resented their presence. They didn't know Leo, they didn't love and admire and respect and fear Leo the way so many of them had. Toby should be here, Toby and not these guys. Even Will's presence sent a slight tinge of anger through Josh's veins but he realized that he wasn't being fair. Leo was great enough to have a million people at his service, not just the 200 that were gathered her for the "small memorial" the President had requested.
Josh realized that Donna was pulling slightly at his arm, urging him to move forward with her. He caught Sam out of the corner of his eye motioning for the two them to join him; Donna was already leading them in that direction.
The sun felt nice beating on the backs of the black suits that everybody wore. It was November, after all, so there was a nip in the air and the cool breezes balanced perfectly with the crystal clear sunshine. Those who were able stood for an hour and a half as various dignitaries spoke about Leo McGary and his service to the country.
Josh stood so rigid through the whole service that Donna worried he might have locked his knees and thus could pass out at any moment. Her concern for him overpowered her sadness and in reality helped her to get through one of the toughest hours of her life.
She never let go of his hand, not for a second, and periodically he would squeeze it, sometimes softly, sometimes quickly, other times for a sustained couple of minutes. His need to this, vent or grieve or whatever it was, it didn't seem to follow any set pattern. At first she thought he was responding to something that was said, and she would look to him for confirmation/affirmation. He would just stare straight ahead. It soon became evident to Donna that Josh wasn't listening at all. When the memorial had ended, she had to nudge him several times to wake him from his trance.
He looked squarely at her face and Donna was thankful that he was still wearing his sunglasses; she wasn't sure if she could handle the intensity of the look she knew hid beneath them.
There was a reception following, in the mural room of all places. Donna tried to remember if Leo even liked this room, she seemed to recall he had a certain fondness for the Roosevelt. Josh stood in one spot for the entire hour, with his sunglasses on no less. Donna did her best to run interference for him. She wasn't sure why she was responding this way, caring for him…and yet, she did. She wanted to be the one to help Josh out of this hole, if Leo couldn't do it for him, then she would.
As the gathering began to disperse Donna mentioned to Sam that she was thinking of taking Josh home. Sam responded with a look of gratefulness in his eyes and told her he thought that would be a good idea. They made plans to get together before Sam headed back to California, the hugged each other firmly and shared a knowing glance about the façade of being strong.
Donna made her way back over to the corner of the room where Josh had perched.
"I'm going to drive you home." She told him tentatively, and followed with "Are you ready to go."
With no response Josh ran his hand through his hair and started walking toward the hall.
She followed, sheepishly, wondering if he even heard her. She said goodbye to several people that they passed on his behalf and when she got held up briefly by Senator Rafferty, Josh slipped out into the hallway alone.
"Josh." She called him sharply and jogged a little to catch up. "Wait Up." She said this gently when she reached him and touched his arm.
He turned around at her touch and snarled,
"Don't do this." He almost hissed, disgusted.
"Don't what Josh?" Donna was telling herself not to get angry at him, something she wouldn't have had to do in the past. The tension still came out in her voice.
"Don't pretend that you care. Don't pretend that you want to be with me when you don't." Josh was speaking softly and looking down at his shoes. His tone was matter-of- fact and she could hear the catch in his voice and the self-pity that he was heaping on in huge doses.
Donna took a minute to consider her response. She was able to study him fully, the lines of worry and age evident in face, the crevices that were his dimples when he smiled. He continued to study his shoes as if he had never seen this pair before.
She realized this would be a critical moment in their relationship if she told him the truth; it would be a repeat of her past mistakes if she did not. With little to no confidence, right there in the West Wing hallway, she began:
"In the past, Josh, I did everything I could to pretend that I didn't want to be with you, even though I did."
He looked up at her, his mouth taunt and his eyebrows high into where his hairline should start. She ignored him and continued:
"Then there came a point where I felt I had to be with you, out of duty, out of some imaginary debt that I owed you."
He nodded slightly, she continued on:
"Then, something shifted and that debt was gone and I came off the plane from Germany feeling free for the first time in a long time. You didn't see that freedom, and for me it grew to resentment."
It felt good to her to get it all out, she worried that perhaps now was not the time but waiting for the right time had cost her many tears so she forged on.
"Today, right now, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I offered to drive you out of duty or out of something else. I don't know if I am strong enough for both of us to get through this. I don't know if when you act like you don't want me around if you really mean it because there are times when it sure feels like you do. "
She was getting slightly hysterical now and Josh took her hand as she had done for him earlier and lead her to his old office. Led her to where it all began.
When he had closed the door he pulled her into a tight embrace and she let out a muffled sob against his shoulder. He held her there, tracing circles in her back until she was calm and he pulled back to look into her eyes.
She started to laugh pathetically and he quirked his head in wonder as she reached up to remove his sunglasses.
"Ah, yes." He grinned at her. It was sincere and it was familiar and so was the warmth she began to feel being this close to him, feeling and smelling and being with Josh.
"We're both a bit of a mess." He said, still holding her close.
"Yeah, Josh, I think we are." A tear slid down her face and she studied him, wondering if this would be the day.
He looked away from her, out the window and a look of deep contemplation crossed his face.
"I don't know how I am going to get through all this." He said this in his hushed, Josh tone, all in one exhale.
He looked back at her and began again. "I don't know how I am going to get through all of this, but I know that I don't want to get through it without you. Can we call a truce?"
Donna smiled coyly and nodded, her big, blue, wet eyes staring intently at Josh.
"Can we call more than a truce?" He propositioned her and cocked his eyebrows waiting for her response.
"What does the mean?" She asked suspiciously, drawing out her words and regarding him skeptically. "I don't think I have heard of more than a truce before."
"It might mean this" Josh began as he playfully landed a kiss on her cheek.
"That would be acceptable." She answered when he pulled back. Their eyes met and his quickly fogged with desire.
"Ok, then it might mean this" he leaned in slowly and placed a kiss on her other cheek.
"That is also acceptable." Her response came as he pulled back, she was whispering and unknowingly licking her lips.
Suddenly Josh's mouth was covering her own crushing her with everything he had and forcing her to respond as her hands came up to his face and caressed his cheeks. She hadn't been prepared for his attack and was quickly breathless, although she thinks that would have happened regardless.
She pulled back and he whimpered at the loss of contact.
"I'm sorry." He was embarrassed slightly, misunderstanding her need to breath as wanting to get away. He still held her tight and as he glanced at her briefly his dark eyes were dancing.
"Hey." She said lightly, trying to disguise her rapidly beating heart that was echoing in her throat. "Don't be."
He looked up at her, slightly confused but with a mix of the smug Josh Lyman that she knew so well. "Don't be?" he questioned. He couldn't believe this was really happening.
"No, don't be." She answered him sweetly and then as she took a step back in a playful tone she continued:
"Just try to get it together would ya?" Her snark was the perfect response and took Josh back to a time when Leo delivered the same request. He laughed and said he was trying and placed his hand on the small of her back to lead her out the door. She sighed contentedly and turned to give him a grin over her left shoulder.
"We're going to be ok Josh Lyman. You and I are going to make it and we are going to be just fine."
He nodded. He believed her. He wouldn't have to face the 5 steps of grief alone, and he would be there so that she didn't have to either.
Two months later:
The election had come and gone and with Leo's death Santos had been easily defeated.
Josh and Donna had spent long nights together consoling one another over the lose of their friend, the lost of the election, the lose of jobs and the lose of motivation to find new ones.
They cried and they joked and they went out and they stayed in and they bantered and they rediscovered what they loved about each other. But…they never kissed.
Donna didn't trust herself to be chaste. She had desires and emotions that she felt might just be the end of Josh in his current fragile state.
Josh was in denial that the kiss they did share had even happened. His memory of that day was hazy at best and he didn't want to assume a closeness that wasn't there.
Then one day as they were dusting in the kitchen of her apartment and Donna was reaching up high with her feather duster to get all the right places Josh asked exasperated:
"Oh! Do you really have to spend so much time on this?"
"Some things take time." Donna responded while flitting her brush back and forth, back and forth.
"Some things huh? He considered her simple statement.
"Yeah." She tried to be slick and look at him underneath her and she lost her balance and fell into his arms.
"You ok?" He asked as they stared at each other, both breathing heavy from the start.
"Yeah, I am." She smiled up at him.
"That's good" he replied "Because I am in love with you and would hate to lose you in some freak dusting accident."
She smiled and he carried her to her room. They made love all afternoon and when they finally had a moment to talk he thanked her for taking the time to love him.