So much for Art Major. Visual Studies 103 was mucho ass-kissing and overall suckage. I think I'll stick with the I.R. this time.
Chapter 17 is written for Maria-chan because she inspired me the most. Other dedications to all the crazy people who are actually reading this in light of the fact that it took my sorry ass two years to get out this chapter. If not for your support and continued reviews I'd have probably ignored this fic. Kudos to you all.
Disclaimers: WeiB Kreuz and all its characters do not belong to me. I merely stash a Schuldich blow-up-doll beneath my bed for personal amusement. "Electric Cucumber" is written and performed by hide (rest in peace) and Spread Beaver. Advil, Aleve and Viagra are all trademark names not belonging to me. eBay is unaffiliated with me. Jello and HBO are trademarks of someone else with more money than I have. I do not endorse Dr. Phil. Farfarello's crotch monkey is merely a figment of my twisted imagination.
Want to contact me? Praise me? Make death threats if I take this long on chapter 18? AIM me: Sadistic Kyo
Schwarz Journals (Day 17)
By
Ray-Chan
May 1, 2001
Journal of Brad Crawford
I certainly hope that Nagi is as capable as he proclaims with manipulating computer databases from across the room. I absolutely refuse to bail him out of jail regardless of any complaints he has generated towards my tendency to be "excessively stingy." I don't give a damn. Nagi is no martyr; he brought the charges upon himself when he designed that damn porn site to illegally correspond with a children's cartoon.
Am I glad that he's facing this ultimately pointless pedophilia investigation? No, any publicity could bring Weiß directly to us. Sadistic pleasure on the other hand? Oh, yes. There is quite a bit of that to be had. I fear that close quarters have helped to sow the seeds of insanity within our ranks and now the effects are beginning to spread in my direction. I am amused to no end by the mere thought of Nagi, foolish child that he is, being set on by the dregs of Japanese society in Tokyo prison just because he registered as being twenty-one to acquire rights to a porn site.
On a personal note, I am exploring solutions to deal with my sudden (and definitely -undeserved-) hair loss. Perhaps Schuldich is right and this hairpiece makes me an embarrassment to be seen in public with, yet I cannot help but feel that a bit of justice has been served here today. It seems my sadistic pleasure in making others suffer knows no bounds.
---
"Looks like something crawled onto your head and died, Brad."
For at least the twentieth time that morning Brad Crawford made an effort to hide his smug smile.
"I think it's rather fashionable."
"THERE'S A MUTATING RAT ON YOUR HEAD!"
"Must I remind you that this is –your- fault, Schu?"
The telepath grumbled, mentally sending Crawford images of the Takatore family playing beach volleyball together in matching pink thong bikinis.
"I'm taking a shower. No rats allowed."
Brad Crawford twitched. Perhaps if he shot himself in the head just once…
"AIIIEE! Brad! You made me a BUBBLE BATH!" Schuldich squealed from the bathroom. The image of a giggling Takatore Reiji skipping girlishly to take his turn serving the ball quickly disappeared just as Brad had leveled the gun at his head and squeezed his eyes shut.
Bubble bath?
"Schu, I didn't make a bubble bath."
"But it's all set up for me! Oh Brad, you silly, lying little ma-….ARRRGH! FARFIE!"
Brad didn't want to know. Really he didn't.
---
Entry
17
May
1, 2001
You know, it's kinda nice not having Nagi around. I can scratch when I want, I can watch TV and take knives to bed if I want, I can steal his laptop since he's not here. I don't really get why he likes all that technology shit but I got a screwdriver and took the fan out so now his computer gets nice and hot when I leave it on all day and I can cook ramen on his adaptor.
Tell Schuldich to let me use the stove. He's been such a bitch about it since I blew up the microwave. Guess you noticed all the Jello, but it's his fault for buying those stupid panties in the first place. 100 cotton my ass. And how was I supposed to know they weren't yours? I'll bet you two share drawers like a fucked-up married couple, and I'm not talking about a bureau either.
He should be thanking me. I made twenty dollars on eBay and now we have a reason to get a new microwave. That last one sparked whenever I stuck knives in it. Must be defective.
---
"Farfie, kindly tell me what the FUCK you're doing in our bathroom."
"In MY bubble bath!"
"It ain't yours. I made it myself."
"That's my rubber ducky! It's sitting on your…ewwwwwwwssssaaaay… You're a real HEALTHY boy down there, aren'cha!"
Brad growled and grabbed a spare washcloth from the towel rack, throwing it over Farfarello's thighs and sending Schuldich a threatening scowl.
/ You sleep with Farfarello, I disown you. /
-But…But Braaaaad! Just look at it! That isn't normal!-
/ That's not him, retard, it's your damn rubber duck under the towel/
-It…oh. Right.-
/ Grrr… /
Schuldich
poked at the towel-covered lump and grinned at the familiar squeak of
his second favorite bathtime toy ("Mini Brad" taking precedence
as his favorite.)
"So what's that bulge over there?" He
pointed but dare not prod fearing his lover's wrath.
"Oh, that's my crotch monkey."
Schuldich stared, Farfarello grinned, and Brad suppressed a scream.
"Don't you mean 'crotch rocket'?"
"No, it's my monkey."
Crawford refused to argue over the matter. He was much too distracted now by a vision of his unconscious body being jostled unnecessarily within a speeding ambulance after his apparent overdose on migraine medication.
"Damn it. I hate hospitals."
---
Fuckbook
Day
17
For the record, I was not the one who mutilated the microwave, Brad. And if you want to play schoolgirl anymore you've gotta get me some new panties. Farf ran them through the microwave making Jello this morning. I always thought a bowl worked better, but he said they'd make us rich somehow and let me lick the spoon so I didn't complain much.
We have some panty-shaped Jello in the fridge if you want me to pick up some whipped cream later or something. I compromised with Farf. He gets to keep the money he made off eBay and you and me get to keep the strawberry panties for dessert tonight.
I cut off his stove privileges until he gets the toaster fixed. I'm not touching it with that fork sparking every time we plug it in. Though I think we get HBO whenever I make grilled ham and cheese now. Maybe it's not a complete loss.
Oh, I got us a new microwave though. Just kinda tweaked that little old lady nextdoor's brainwaves into thinking it was three years since we moved in and microwaves are the 3-year anniversary gift.
She deserved it. Bitch kicked my ass at bingo last week.
---
Crawford scowled. How did he always end up with these annoying assignments? The American tried to calm his nerves a little by pondering sweet, sweet murder as he rolled his sleeves up higher and fished a bright pink stuffed penguin from the sudsy bathwater.
Schuldich was no help. The redhead had discovered a water-wilted frog in there about ten minutes ago and been fawning over it ever since. Thankfully Farfarello was still casually clutching the plush monkey over his crotch even if the younger man was ignoring Crawford's orders to help remove the other various stuffed animals from the eldest's tub. Something seemed to have caught his one good eye while digging randomly through the bathroom closet packed full of Brad's towels and Schuldich's….bathtub eccentricities.
Grabbing one item at random, Farfarello turned it over in his hands, searching vainly for whatever must be the source of amusement to have warranted either Brad or Schuldich to invest in such a worthless-looking product. Crawford was too cheap to buy anything lacking a certain purpose and Schuldich was too broke to purchase anything but those essentials that he could nag his lover into.
"What the fuck is this thing anyway?"
Crawford looked up from the tub and blanched.
"Uh….ummmm…"
Farfarello's hand shifted but promptly dropped the object in surprise when the green thing suddenly came to life, clattering and dancing all over the floor. Farf's one good eye slowly grew wider.
"You know…it kinda looks like a…."
Schuldich had left the bathroom for a minute to hide the sopping frog somewhere in his bedroom (lest Brad or Farfarello try to steal it away) but chose that precise moment to prance into the bathroom again and pick up the quivering object with a nuzzle and accompanying pleased purr.
"Mmm… Ever hear that song 'Electric Cucumber'?"
Farfarello just stared at Schu's "toy" in wonder.
"Who eats electric vegetables? Electric people? I always knew Crawford wasn't human."
Brad was already rubbing at his temples, trying desperately to get rid of that annoyed twitch.
"Someone please kill me."
"That can be arranged."
Crawford eyed Farfarello nervously…and made for the exit post-haste.
---
May 1, 2001
I hate you, Crawford. I know you saw a vision of this happening, but would you tell me? Noooooo. Did you let me blast the police through your bedroom window when they came for me? Noooooo.
"Too much broken glass," you said. "I don't want bloodstains on my new carpet," you said. And, "Nagi, I'll ground you for a month if you set Farfarello on them." What good is having a psychotic lover around the house if you can't tell him to mutilate the authorities when they come to arrest you?
I'll make you pay, Crawford. When I get out I'm going to find out what you love the most and CRUSH IT WITH MY BARE HANDS!
…Well, probably with my mind, but I think the bare hands sound more dramatic, don't you?
---
"Brad? Didn't you already take eight Advil?"
"Go away, Schuldich." -Twitchtwitch-
"And six Aleve?"
"Leave me alone, Farfarello!" -TWITCH-
"And ten Viagra?"
"GO AW-….HEY! JUST WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?"
"Eeeheeheehee."
"JUST CALL THE GODDAMNED AMBULANCE!"
"He's twitching."
"We should poke him."
"OW! NO KNIVES!"
"Eeeheeheeheeeheeeee!"
"I could not have forseen this development."
---
Schwarz Member Assessment : Day 17
Nagi must be experiencing those rebellious teenage years I hear parents complain so much about. Schuldich has been experiencing them for years, I'm sure. Hopefully Nagi's will be over by next week. We have a mission of some sort. No doubt something unpleasant.
Schuldich really shouldn't abuse his powers without a care. At some point everyone will regain their senses and question why the hell they complied with these insane urges in the first place. When that happens, I expect many disgruntled neighbors will be breaking down our front door.
Farfarello will meet with some serious pain if he destroys any more of my appliances. I still cannot get that fork out of the toaster and those dentures on the refrigerator door from Schu's escapades are becoming an eyesore.
As for myself, I have all but given up on ever reacquiring my sanity. Perhaps evil masterminds are just insane by definition. Just look at Stalin or Hitler. Or Dr. Phil for that matter.
---
"-Hahaha. Well, I can't complain about this heatwave! Feels just like summer!"
"Yup! Time to get my swimsuit and head to the beach!"
God, Brad hated televised news. You'd think they could put something else on in patents' rooms. Didn't hospitalized people have to deal with enough pain already without being forced to watch stupid people stick smiley-face suns on a damn weather map?
"Aaaand speaking of beach travel, let's go to Hideki Mimura for the traffic report. Hideki!"
"Hey, Taki! Traffic's looking pretty steady in the suburbs, but police have set up a six-mile-long road block on the highway and now traffic is piling up like crazy with angry motorists. Our sources tell us that there was a jail break just a half hour ago and now our suspect is fleeing down the highway at 90 miles per hour on a prison-issue bed!"
Brad looked up from his journal and blanched. Where was that remote! …Maybe if he closed his eyes then he could ignore the television and this fucked up reality.
"Authorities are stunned! We haven't seen a bed move this fast since the Quilted Comfort factory explosion of '82! Police warn that the suspect should be considered armed and dangerous! I repeat, armed and dangerous! Helicopters are zooming in now and…let's get a shot of that suspect!"
"GODDAMMIT, NAGI!"
- End Day 17 -