Saint H's Author's Notes:
This was a contest entry at the Space is a Waste message boards. As of this posting I know not what place it got (if it got a place at all) but I decided to post it anyway. Just so you know, this has adult material in it. Also, it contains an OC as a main character. The OC is Heim Dall aka Gungrir. You really don't need to know about he he's just there for the hell of it. Also, to any of my regular readers who read this, Gungrir will be appearing in this One-Shot only. Don't ask for him because I've sworn off OC using in real fics. The contest rules were it had to be a Teen Titans fanfiction that had something to do with lingerie.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except Gungrir, but he sucks so that doesn't matter.
"Wake up, Heim."
My vision and head were groggy as a familiar angelic voice washed thru my ears and settled into a pool of loveliness in the back of my skull
"Wake up Heim!" the fiery-crowned angel demanded with more force.
'Wha-Wha no Kory- just five more minutes' my mind said.
Then, something shot down my pants and squeezed.
"WHOOOOAH!" I screamed in surprise/pleasure.
"There, I knew that would awaken you." Kory said sitting cutely in my bed, my 'Lords of Acid' T-shirt serving as her night-gown, as opposed to the lingerie she wore last time we where together.
"Wha-what is it Beautiful?" I asked groggily as I leaned forward slowly to kiss her lips.
She grinned and ducked so my kiss hit her nose as opposed to her mouth.
…
I paused for a second.
…
I kissed her nose passionately.
"Hahahahaha! Heim stop!" her cute giggles filled my room with her immaculate adorableness.
"C'mon you know you like it." I said grinning.
"It is past time to wake up, if we do not get downstairs soon Robin will come get us, and he would give birth to a bovine if he saw us in the same bed again."
"Why, it's not like I've deflowered you or anything, much to my own chagrin." I mumbled.
I was met with a small and playful starbolt to the face… and was sent sprawling off my own bed.
"I shall see you at the breaking of fast." She said intentionally sounding foreign as she left my room to traverse the halls of the Tower to find her own quarters.
'My name is Heim Dall, but the citizens of Jump City know me as Gungrir. This is my life as a Titan... well actually this is a one shot so… Oh wait. Dammit! I'm breaking the fourth wall again! Shit the Bed Tomorrow! I can't stop doing that!'
Introducing…"STOP SMELLING ALL MY LINGERIE WHEN I'M NOT IN MY ROOM, BEAST BOY!"
"THEN STOP LEAVING YOUR USED VIBRATORS IN THE KITCHEN SINK, RAVEN!"
From the desk of Saint H
"I'm sorry Robin, you have four minutes to live."
"B-but Doctor! I have so much to live for. This can't happen! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"… three minutes."
An entry to the Lingerie/Teen Titans FanFic Contest at SIAW
Gungrir blindly throws a toothpick over his back, a toothpick that a half moment later is impaled in Slade's right testicle.
Presenting:
Beast Boy jams out to Disturbed, "VIOLENCE! INSIGNIFICANT!"
Cyborg jumps out of nowhere, "Awww YEA!"
To Kill a Boy WonderCyborg and Beast Boy were sitting in the Main Room, eating breakfast while watching TV.
"Dude, I love cold pizza."
"Werd yo."
"And how about this TV show man, it rocks!"
"Werd yo."
"I mean, I absolutely love it."
"Werd yo."
"Like watermelon, or the smell of a blackboard eraser, or a panda with a mean face, or sandals with pressure points drawn on them, or a Sunday morning where you wake up and its raining. Anyway, I like it more than hard bread."
"Werd y- wait! What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the show on TV! 7½ Bit Cinema!"
PAUSE!
The present, and frozen, figures of the two Titans and the main room shrink down to the lower left corner of a screen.
"Wow, Beast Boy so stole that from me!" Mamimi rants from her couch.
"You are so totally right, its unbelievable." says Chuck Norris from right next to her.
"I'm so mad I could cry!" the red-head whimpers.
Chuck Norris puts on a pimp smile and slides over beside the girl while putting his arm around her, "Hey, don't worry baby, everything'll be all right. Maybe if we have gratuitous and totally un-needed sex that will gross out all the readers right here on the couch you'll feel better?" Chuck Norris offers.
"I-I don't know." Mamimi says, confused.
Chuck Norris hops off the couch, points and Mamimi and says, "Pleasure!"
Mamimi's head explodes in sheer orgasmic joy.
H-H-H-HMeanwhile, the Titans had just arrived at the JC-Mall, which was currently being robbed by armed thugs.
"OK, peeps. PimpMasta and his bois want da benjamins and if ya don't let PimpMasta hold da ends ya all gunna be holdin PimpMasta's bois' caps. Word?"
This… grammatically questionable, statement came from a skinny black man dressed in a ridiculous pimps outfit. Purple suit, pink cowboy hat, and a long pimp's cane were all included in the ensemble. He was surrounded by random 'gangsta' thugs.
Just then, the Titans all entered from random places from the mall. Just as Robin started delivering another cheesy, lame-ass super hero speech to our villain, the author lost all interest in what the Boy Wonder was saying. Apparently, so did the rest of the Titans.
Inside Cyborg's Mind:
'Wow man, Robin needs to shut the soaked-in-blood-hell up! Dayamn! Well, on the bright side, at least I'm dead sexy!'
Cyborg looks at himself in a nearby mirror.
'Seriously, I am one smexxy broha. I'm so damn cute, I could rap about myself. In fact I think I will.
'I'm so hott,
'Yall wanna shot,
'At me that is!
'Cuz I make the ladies sweat,
'And I make the fellas bet,
'On who can get in my pants first,
'Because for me fellas thirst.
'Break It Down Now!
'OOOH! AH AHA AH! OOOH! AH AHA AH! OH AH! OH AH! OHA AHA! OOOOOH! AHA AH AH!
'Wow, that was TNT. Not only am I the sexiest cyborg alive, I have mad rap skillz.'
H-H-H-HBeast Boy's Mind:
'Wow, I don't eat meat…that makes me gay doesn't it?'
H-H-H-HRaven's Mind:
'I can't believe Robin and I had explicit sexual contact in bed last night proving all the Robin/Starfire shippers dead-ass wrong! On that note what was that song he played to try and turn me on? I mean, what is 'Jungle Love' anyway?'
H-H-H-HStarfire's Mind:
'Lollypops and Unicorns and Fairies and The Dredson Dolls and balloons and candy and sugar and spice and princess gowns and equine and fluffy cirrus clouds and flowers and lacy white lingerie are all very, very pretty!'
H-H-H-HGungrir's Mind:
'SHOUT! SHOUT! LET IT ALL OUT! THESE ARE THE THINGS I CAN DO WITHOUT! COME ON!'
H-H-H-H"… and by Truth, Justice, and the American way, the Titans shall defeat thee! Titans, Go!" Robin finished his 3-minute speech.
Then, a massive and extremely kick-ass battle ensued.
Random thugs started firing their weapons at the scattering Titans
Robin sprinted full speed in a crescent path at a group of thugs, jumping, ducking, and twirling his bo staff to avoid being shot.
He twirled his bo staff above his head, knocking the surrounding thugs across their faces.
BONK!
Robin turned and found another set of thugs, he jumped over the heads of two fleeing guards and landed on the head of a gangster only to push off, shoving him headlong into the floor.
SWOOSH! SPLAT!He came down on another thug with a spinning kick, rolled forward to escape several speeding bullets and ended his roll with spinning kick, tripping three thugs. The Boy Wonder stood up, took a breath, and then vaulted at the villains. Robin whipped out two bird-a-rangs in each hand and threw them forward at a large column of gangsters.
WEEEEEEEEEE BOINK… er, I mean.. SLICE!They weaved in and out dicing up various firearms and left shocked gangsters unarmed. He leapt into the air and kicked both legs out, KOing two thugs.
SMACK!Robin came down running and karate chopped one gangster in the neck and spun around gave another a one, two punch.
KA-SHLOP! SMER-FLACKERAN!One brave thug charged the songbird from behind with a fist. He blindly backflipped, caught the thug's wrist in midair, landed, and hurled the villainous mass behind him at two other gangstas, knocking them all out cold. Robin then sprinted forward and whipped out his bow staff and twirled it violently as he charged the few villains left unarmed from the bird-a-rang assault. The Boy Wonder twirled the staff around striking gangsters in their heads, necks, shoulders, and legs. Then he spun around once for good measure still twirling the bo staff and came to a stop in an unnecessary kung fu pose. But everyone's favorite tight-wearing Titan shouldn't have stopped. Four thugs were standing in front of him, four thugs who still had guns! He retracted the staff and placed it in his belt. Robin stepped back as they approached with arrogant grins on their faces. He smirked inwardly.
WOOSH! CHING!The Teen Vigilante caught the four bird-a-rangs in outstretched hands and placed them back in his belt with a smirk. The dumb gangsters looked down to see the barrels of their guns completely hacked off. Their sad villain gazes met his as he threw himself at them in a flurry of rage-filled, ass kicking kung fu.
SMACK! BLAM! TWACK! WASMAXAKRAKIES!
H-H-H-H
Guns were being fired in rapid succession at the fiery warrior known as Starfire. She flew in circles and held up pulsing hands of energy which melted any bullets that got near her. The thugs firing soon had to reload and while they were Starfire screamed and unleashed a flooding wave of green energy upon her assailants.
KRAKA-BOOM!What was left of a small group of thugs resumed shooting at her flying form. She simply fired off two glowing eye beams knocking them off their balance and then she swiftly streaked forward and flung a barrage of starbolts, subduing them. Afterwards she proceeds to buy an ice cream cone, but due to her hands still being very hot from summoning starbolts, the ice cream melted. Starfire cried.
H-H-H-HAcross the mall, in a random fashion outlet, Raven used the dark side of the force to choke the thugs attacking her Darth Vader style while browsing outfits she liked.
"Too slutty, too preppy, too nerdy, too Gwen Stefanie… heh, cuz I ain't no holla back girl. Oh wait, that looks good." Raven muttered as she picked out a black and red lacy lingerie outfit. The remaining thugs who weren't 'unconscious' or being choked passed out from thoughts of Raven in the seductive apparel.
H-H-H-HCyborg fired missiles at bad guys… they died. He danced to celebrate.
H-H-H-HBeast Boy turned into a bear and ate someone.
H-H-H-HWhile my friends were kicking ass all over the mall I sat behind an overturned desk inside Mr. Bulky's candy store. My cover was slowly coming to resemble Swiss cheese due to massive bullet fire. I nervously scooped up the splinters from the desk and then, in pure Mary-Sue fashion, I vaulted myself over the desk. Time slowed, my eyes widened. I took a nano-second to aim and I hurled all of the sharp splinters at a specific target at the twenty some thugs firing at me.
Normal speed returned and I landed on the floor. The thugs pointed their guns and fired… only to realize their guns no longer had triggers for them to fire. The floor was littered with little metal triggers that had been pierced by my projectile splinters.
One thug stammered forth, "H-How did you do that?"
I smiled, "Well, here's the trick, no matter what my target may be and whatever my projectile… I always hit a bullseye."
"How'd you get that power?"
"Actually that's an interesting story involving 'Duck Hunt', Viagra, and too much Vaseline, he-hey, Wait a second! Shouldn't I be kicking your asses?"
The thugs sweat, but didn't move.
I bent down and picked up an ink pen from the overturned cashier's desk. I clicked the pen once or twice, "Anybody want to try me?" The thugs looked at each other… and ran for the exits.
…
I smiled.
H-H-H-HPimpMasta and his lackeys were being carted away by the police, and we Titans were sitting around a fountain, retelling our individual battle stories.
"Yea, so I ate a guy." Beast Boy piped up.
"I saw that!" Cyborg said.
Beast Boy perked up, "Yeah, there were horses, a man on fire, and I killed someone with a triden-"
SMACK!"Shut up before someone sues us!" Raven says.
"Well Titans what do you want to do now?" Robin asked.
"Your Mom!" I said ass-wholishly.
"Gungrir… that was uncalled for."
"Your Mom was uncalled for!" I continued.
"Seriously, you need to fucking stop it you're being a total ass."
"Your Mom needs to fucking stop it you're being a total ass!"
"Stop it right now Gungrir I'm serious!"
"Your Mom's serious!"
"If you don't quit talking about my mother I'm going to shove my long staff up your ass."
"Your Mom's going to shove a long staff up my ass! Hahaha… oh… oh wait." I began to blush.
Random passerby laughed, pointed, and threw rotten tomatoes at me.
The other Titans giggled.
Robin smirked victoriously.
Random male passerby started massaging his shoulders and touching him in inappropriate places.
Robin ran off to the bathroom, hurling the whole time.
The other Titans giggled.
My new vegetable fashion accessories rotted and attracted flies.
H-H-H-HA few minutes, and a quick shower and change of clothes, later I sat in the waiting section… of a Victoria's Secret outlet.
Women stared. Ladies glared. Teen girls pointed. I blushed and felt like a pervert. Others in the room similarly cursed with a Y chromosome shared the same feeling…
And Kory was in the changing room. By the time I had reluctantly followed her in, she already had picked her items and was all but in the dressing room trying them on.
So I sat quietly… twiddling my thumbs, wishing for all the world to be anywhere else in the mall, anywhere else in the city, the world!
Until…
"Heim…"
H-H-H-HRobin skulked along, trying to avoid his Gay-FanBoys, of which he had many. It wasn't that he was gay, nor was it that he didn't have female stalkers, its just the gay-fanboys were dedicated and vicious. They were as cunning as Slade, as persistent as Cinderblock, and as horny for him as Kitten.
Needless to say… they kept him alert.
…
Snkkrrrt…
Ahem….
Robin had just successfully ditched his fanboys and was wondering the Mall, he figured the others had gone around shopping as a way to spend the rest of the day. He was ambling aimlessly down one hallway when he passed a Victoria's Secret… and overheard something that made him explode with fury.
"Heim…. could you come help me with this outfit, the on putting of Earth lingerie is so complex, maybe a native to the planet such as yourself would be able to help?"
Most people wouldn't have heard it, most people wouldn't have even cared because it was a well known fact that people 'did the dirty' in the changing rooms at the mall everyday of the year… especially Thursdays.
Robin slowly looked over towards the source of the voice.
H-H-H-HI was up, I was walking towards her stall, and I was sweating like a pig. She knew that I knew for a fact that she could put on lingerie just fine… so the only reason she could be calling me back was…
Whoa….
But, I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, because I was suddenly mauled by a flying red, green, black, and yellow streak that tackled me thru several walls and over a railing onto the hard marble floor.
"You PUNK!"
"R-Robin?" I asked surprised, "What's up man?" I wiped the blood off my nose.
"You were gonna touch my woman! Prepare to die!"
"Dude, Starfire has told you that you two are over, and she told me you said you were fine with it!"
"But you know as well as I do that doesn't mean I am!"
"Yea… but you and Raven had explicit sexual contact last night in bed!"
"N-Nu uh!" Robin lied… sweating.
"Yea- Huh, man. It was said earlier in the story."
"Yea, well I don't care, I'm still gonna kick your ass! I am the One! I am teh 1337! I am the Matrix!" and with that Robin launched his attack.
H-H-H-HAcross the Mall, Cyborg was in the Kitchen and Home department.
"So, watch kinda power does this thing get?" the human machine hybrid asked a sales person.
"Well, she's a beauty, Sir."
"I can see that, I AM an expert after all. But tell me the details son."
"Well, Sir, she has a spin cycle and is guaranteed to get your dishes spotless or your money back and we'll sacrifice an intern in your name!"
"Wow! That's some warranty for a dishwasher!" Cyborg said, stroking the 'Sparklex 300', "Well, lets take a look inside!"
Cyborg opened it and reached a hand in, inspecting it, "Wow, this is really top notch! You guys carry the finest! So how much does she co-"
"What? WHAT! Cyborg you- you- you MANWHORE!" screamed the recently appeared T-Car from across the Kitchen and Home department.
"T-Car? Baby? What are you doing her-"
"Oh no Cyborg! Don't 'Baby' me! I let it go when you flicked the toasters switch, I let if go when you push the remotes buttons, I let it go when you give the toilet a dirty sanchez, but when I see you putting your hands inside that slut I can't stand it! YOU HEAR THAT SLUT!" the T-Car said as she bitch-slapped the 'Sparklex 300' into next week.
"Wait! Baby!"
"No Cyborg! It's over! We are thru!"
H-H-H-HRaven sat in a bookstore, reading a smut novel entitled 'Sex is better with Lingerie' quietly to herself.
Beast Boy sat in the same bookstore… mindlessly picking his nose and drooling on himself.
Oddly enough in this unflattering position the green one attracted many ladies and actually got laid twice. Neither time he reacted at all. Thus is the hypnotic power of bookstores.
H-H-H-HRobin and I were still going at it.
Robin was currently running and doing kung fu around the room while somehow managing to simultaneously throw explosive discs and bird-a-rangs at me in rapid succession.
Between finding stuff to throw, having to cancel out his weapons with my own, and his mad dodging skills, I had finally found a target I couldn't quite hit.
This would have likely gone on and on both of us adding more and more to the fight until a huge and legendary climax exploded between the two of us… in pure violence of course.
That is to say, would have happened, if Kory hadn't stopped us.
"Boys! Boys! Cease and desist! There is no need to fight! I have the answer to your disagreement."
We both waited patiently.
"Heim, we shall go do our own business… alone!"
Robin pouted.
I pumped an arm in the air.
"And Robin… as a small token of my friendship… which is all we have. You may have all my lingerie to do with as you wish."
I nearly fainted.
So did Robin… then he did the Macarena to celebrate.
"B-But Kory, wh-wha-wha…. Double you tee ef, girl?" I asked, mind-boggled.
She looked at me with an air of regality, "Elementary my dear Heim…. we do not need lingerie for what we are going to do."
"…" my nose bled.
"…" Robin responded.
She smirked and tackled me…
H-H-H-H… and that's how you came to be, son!" a slightly aged Gungrir said to a young, red hair boy who shared a striking resemblance to Gungrir.
The boy looked up at his dad with his jaw slack and said, "…. What the f-
FIN