A/N: to be taken with a grain of salt, written tongue and cheek. A comment on the bizarre practice we are all addicted to! (slightly inspired by Douglas Adams) Written because caffeine does weird things my head. XD! I hope you find it as funny as I did. (All stats, as in number of fics/pages/whatever came the day I wrote the fic. XD so they've probably changed over the last few nanoseconds)
Disclaimer: If you think I own the characters you probably shouldn't be reading this.
Fred/George W. and the Wonders of Fan fiction
Nymphadora Tonks leaned forward in the patched red desk chair and cracked her knuckles. She was in a nondescript corner of JK Rowlings's brain fiddling with the computer that JKR hadn't meant to install but Tonks had poked her into putting it in. The poking device (known to all others as a spoon) sat on the Ikea desk next to the glowing Macintosh computer at that very moment. Tonks was ready for bed, dressed in a t-shirt proclaiming that Lycanthopy is NOT an STD, PJ bottoms with monkeys on them, a pink fuzzy bathrobe, and Monty Python slippers, which are something like bunny slippers but with large pointy teeth.
Tonks dragged the mouse to the top of the screen, she had already selected "books" and "Harry Potter" now it was just a matter of narrowing the 231570 story list down.
"Right," she muttered tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth, "genre, romance. Rating...ooh, I think I'll say 'all' you never know what sort of interesting smu--story might be under 'M', language, length, and status, who really cares about those, character one, Remus L. Character two N. Tonks. Go!"
She giggled as the results popped up, 39 pages of her favorite pairing. She clicked on the first fic, which was by someone called "OMFGslitmywristnoonelovesmeihatemylife27," and began to happily read. Her previous giggling must have been a little too loud because before she had even managed to get past the author's notes Fred and George Weasley climbed up the winding steps that lead to JKR's obvious insanity that comes from being a writer.
"What are you doing?" asked Fred coming up behind her on the right cocking his head to the side as he read over her shoulder.
"What the Hell is this?" asked George coming up behind her on the left, cocking his head to the side as he read over her shoulder. (It may have been the other way around, because with Fred and George you can never tell.)
"Fan fiction," said Tonks without facing them, she was too enraptured by the romantic speech Remus would never ever give her to give them her full attention.
"Fan what?" asked Fred.
"What fiction?" George looked disgusted as he read on, " Blech! why would people want to even think about Remus doing that? This isn't JKR," he continued, "otherwise we'd know about it, wouldn't we?"
"And she'd have to be absolutely crazy to write this," decided Fred.
"Dunno," said George stroking his chin, "I think she's getting there. Minesweeper melts the brain y'know, and she's an addict."
"Minesweeper and caffeine," agreed Fred nodding, "what is this, Tonks?"
"I told you," she clicked the next fic in the line up (this one by SUPERHAPPYMONKEYMUFFIN1139), bored by Remus's out of character romantic attitude, "fan fiction, fiction written by the fans." The twins continued to stare blankly at her. "All right I'll explain" she said, "we are a best selling book, right?"
"Well we're in one," said George.
"Same difference, so loads of people read about us, right?"
"Mostly for George and me, but yeah everyone else is in it too," agreed Fred.
"So some of them are also writers who get inspired to write stories because of the series, follow?"
"Sure," said George, "so they write about us because they're too lazy to come up with their own characters and develop them fully."
Tonks tapped her nose to show George had gotten it correct, "besides," she added, "they're a bunch of teenage girls full of either sugar or angst, or both. They need an outlet, and we're it."
"So they write about us," an excited glint exploded in Fred's eye, "right, shove over let me see!"
Tonks moved grudgingly from the chair. She figured they would lose interest soon. Fred was practically vibrating with happiness as he and George tried to squeeze into the same seat, "so, we just scroll down the little liney bar thingy," he said gesturing toward the character column.
George, who was sitting closer to the mouse, was way ahead of his twin but suddenly he let out a, "hang on a second!"
"What?" said Fred, "look I'm sorry but my elbow has no where else to go."
"It's not that," said George, "who exactly is Fred/George W? I've never met him."
Fred looked at the highlighted name in question, "we only get one category?" he asked indignantly, "we're two people, aren't we?"
"Last time I checked," agreed George, "although at this moment," he had finally managed to dislodge Fred's elbow, "I think it's arguable."
"We were one egg once, I suppose," said Fred thoughtfully, "but we've been separate since long before we popped out of mum."
"Now that's an image," said Tonks.
"We're the only ones like that!" said George now very offended, "Fenrir Greyback gets his own category and he's down right horrifying--"
"Don't let him hear you say that," said Tonks quietly, "you'll send him into hysterics again, remember what happened when someone called him psychotic in that chat room? He ran up into his room sobbing and wouldn't eat for days! Just wrote poetry and threatened suicide while listening to screamo music."
"Right," George shuddered, "who could forget that. A 300 pound emo kid is something that will stay with you forever. But look, Padma Patil, Gabrielle Delecour, has she even spoke? Hannah Abbott, Pansy Parkinson, Oliver Wood, who would write about Oliver? Most boring story of all time-"
"I got up," Fred began dictating in what can only be described as a serious author voice, "I ate some oatmeal, drank some pumpkin juice, I said some unspeakably boring things to the Gryffindor team, I played quiddich, I blocked some quaffles, Fred and George 'accidentally' hit me with a bludger when I told them to be awake at 3:15 the next morning for practice, I fell off my broom due to exhaustion, then died, and the Gryffindor quiddich team was happy because then they could sleep. The End."
George nodded, "hang on, Percy? Who want to write anything about Percy? Regulus Black? Petunia Dursley? Theodore Nott? Blaise Zabini? Who the Hell is Blaise Zabini? and," he added clicking on the name, "why does he/she/it get 21 pages?"
Fred furrowed his brow, "is that that tall pale girl in Slytherin, Ron's year?"
"No," said George, "that's someone else. Is he the Italian bloke? Curly black hair and all? Ron's year, Slytherin?"
Tonks was laughing, "he's that attractive, tall black kid with the good cheek bones," she said, "you are right though, Harry's year, Slytherin."
"That's right!" said George, "he had about five lines in the last book."
"HBP," said Tonks, "Half Blood Prince, only in fan abbreviations."
"Why are we using fan abbreviations?" asked Fred.
"Because now we are geeky fans. We have nothing better to do with our lives than to read and write stories that will never be published and will mean nothing in the long run instead of doing something constructive. We lust after fictional characters and use astrixes far too often," said George dramatically.
"Should I squee then?" asked Tonks, who was rather tempted to.
"Yes I think you should," said Fred.
Tonks squeed.
"So bleeding Blaise Zabini gets his/hers/its own category and all we've got is one for two people. That's Infuriating, that is," Fred crossed his arms, ending the subject.
Tonks's squee had been louder than she'd thought. It disturbed Hermione who had been down stairs discussing the problems of monarchy with Aragorn, who had been homeless since the death of JRR Tolkien and took refuge in whose ever head he could. She excused herself for a moment. She joined the trio tapping her foot angrily as Fred and George began to laugh loudly at the fics written about them.
When no one paid attention to her, Hermione cleared her throat loudly and authoritatively.
"Wotcher," smiled Tonks.
"We see you," assured Fred before smirking and adding, "Hermione, did you know that I'm in love with you?"
"I have to tell you you're being -- what? what did you just say?" she asked afraid of what was coming next.
"I'm madly in love with you," he said, "have been for years, since the moment I saw you when you were eleven and prepubescent, and I need you because I'm afraid of the war and so are you. Bet you didn't know tha--"
"You're reading fan fiction," Hermione slapped her forehead, "Why?"
The glint in Fred's eye had since been kindled into a forest fire, "Tonks showed us."
"Tonks," said Hermione sternly, "that wasn't a very good idea."
Tonks shrugged, "I don't see why, I was just reading some L/T fics and-"
"What, what fics?" asked George.
"You read fan fiction?" said Hermione, shocked.
"Lupin and Tonks romantic pairing Fred and/or George I don't know which one of you asked, and yeah, it's fun, Hermione! Some writers on here are brilliant! (some, like the Evil Duck, are god awful though.) Come on Hermione, you know you stay up late reading Ron/Hermione fics."
Hermione's cheeks went slightly pink but she didn't break her resolve, "none of it's real."
"Neither are we," pointed out George.
"But it isn't true. It isn't canon," Hermione said.
"Cannon?" asked Fred, "weapons of war are involved now?"
"One 'n'," said Hermione, "can-on, it means going along with the books, of course it actually means 'a member of certain religious communities living under a common rule and bound by vows,' it's Norman French - canun, meaning one living under rule, an--"
"Stop acting so bloody canon then!" said George, "hang on Fred, you're cheating on Hermione, because you're also passionately in love with me."
"Am I?" asked Fred, "I'm sorry Hermione, I've made a mistake."
"Oh no you haven't," said George, reading the fic in question, "it says here that you leave me for her and I go slash my wrists in the bathtub."
"Ah," Fred nodded, "that fixes everything, thanks for committing suicide, George. Hermione we're together again."
She rolled her eyes, "you two are--"
"in love, apparently," George interrupted, "or else just shagging like rabbits."
"What's this," Fred pointed to the bottom of a description, "twincest?"
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Hermione.
"No," Fred shook his head.
"Incest between twins. You and you, together, romantically."
"That might just be the most brilliant word in the English language," George confided, his face lighting up. "I am going to use that word every day of my life from now on."
"As am I!" Said Fred.
"Yes, because it is a posh word," George continued.
"No it isn't," interjected Hermione.
"Are you posh?" asked Fred, "I didn't think so, continue George."
"Because it is a posh word, and we are posh," George said in a highly affected accent holding his head so his nose was pointed perpendicular to the ceiling.
"I'm not going to deal with this," Hermione turned on her heal to leave, but George called her back.
"Hang on Hermione," he called, "which one of us are you in love with because it says here it's me. You have a thing for red heads don't you? Look at you, breaking Fred and Ron's hearts like that." He clicked his tongue, "going to sleep with every single Weasley aren't you?"
"Yes," said Fred suddenly, "because here she's with Ginny--"
"And Bill," put in George.
"And Percy."
"No Charlie though," said Fred sadly.
"Charlie doesn't count," George said, "he's hardly in any of the books, it's like JK Rowling forgot about him after book one, then forgot him again half way through GOF (ah, see the glorious fan terminology). Let's face it he's The Forgotten Weasley."
"Ooh mysterious," Fred said, "I like."
"Thank you Fred/George W."
"You're welcome Fred/George W."
"Back to the couplings, here you are with Harry, well he's not a Weasley but still--"
"Here's an interesting one, Neville."
"I can top that," George tapped the screen, "right here, Draco Malfoy."
Hermione couldn't help but scream. She raced back the computer to make sure the twins weren't lying, "that's disgusting! who in their right mind could actually think that?"
"Quite a few people actually," Fred pointed out tracing his finger down the column.
"Well," said George, "you have a very interesting choice to make, Hermi-pookums."
"What?" she asked disturbed, backing away.
"It's a pet name I'm trying out, my beloved," he grinned, "anyway your choice is, one of the largest redhead family, creepy racist Nazi DE Slytherins, Snape, and/or slitting your wrists in third year. My, that last one poses a problem, doesn't it?"
"Considering it's your seventh year and all," said Fred.
"Snape?" asked Hermione, reading over the list of fics "why would--"
"Strange decision," said Fred, "see I would have picked a Weasley, you know, your boyfriend, Ron, is a Weasley..."
"He's not my--I didn't chose--you didn't answer my--" But before she could finish her sentence Ron came upstairs from JK Rowling's keyboard where his name had been deleted and rewritten over the past quarter of an hour before the middle aged author gave up and went to get a cappichino. Ron had floated around in her consciousness for a little while but was soon knocked out of it by Starbucks's offer of hazelnut-mocha-latte.
"Hermione, did you know that Aragorn bloke was downstairs in the unconsciousness? I told him I didn't know where you were. he left, has to go bother somebody named Viggo or something. What are you all doing up here?" He looked around confusedly.
"Having an orgy, Ron," said George.
"Care to join us?" asked Fred leaning back so Ron could see him behind his twin.
"No really," said Ron coming forward, "what's on the screen?"
"Ginny's diary, all about all the boys she's shagged."
"What?" Ron bounded forward. "Really?"
"No, you git," said Fred.
"Well not really," said George, he was scrolling to Ginny W., "it will be in a moment."
"What are you playing at?" asked Ron, looking to Hermione for an answer.
"Fan fiction," she said, "remember, I showed it to you."
"That weird romance stuff about us?" Ron asked before Hermione could stop him and the twins burst out laughing.
"What," Ron's ears went pink.
George scrolled to Ginny then to romance, then hit go. The screen turned white for a few moments before the blue and black lettering returned. "Ginny's been busy." He observed.
"Very busy," Fred nodded.
"Busy enough for 468 pages," added George.
"All this is romance?" asked Ron jaw on the floor.
"Of course!" said Fred, "this is written by horny teenage authors who want to get into many a fictitious wizard's pants. They can't do it so they have Ginny do it instead."
"That's not always the case," said Tonks.
"Yeah, sometimes it's Hermione," agreed George.
"Or Ron or Harry," said Fred.
"Or themselves," said Tonks.
Fred arched an intrigued eyebrow, "explain."
"What's Mary Sue?" asked George as dragged his mouse along the titles. "Bill's paired up with one here."
"I was just about to explain that actually. Glad you asked Fred and/or George. But that's odd," said Tonks, "usually Sirius or another Marauder gets a Mary Sue."
"Well, who is she?" asked Ron, "I don't remember her."
"You're being stupid," said Hermione, "a Mary Sue isn't a person, it's a kind of person. A kind of character in fan fictions. A Mary Sue is a perfect witch, usually somewhat based on the author, but always gifted with magic, a birth animagus (as if those exist)," she snorted, "American, beautiful, stuff like that."
"There are no Americans at Hogwarts," said Ron.
"Brilliant deduction," Fred applauded along with George.
"Why are they called Mary Sues," asked Ron embarrassedly.
"Because it's a run-of-the-mill name," Hermione told him.
"No it isn't," said Ron, "I've never met a Mary Sue before in my life."
"That's because you're canon," said Fred.
"What?" Ron pleaded.
"Stop confusing him," said Hermione angrily, "I haven't met anyone named Mary Sue either. It's just a weird term they came up with online."
"How?" Asked Ron.
"Sugar and sleep depravation most likely," shrugged Hermione, "that's how a lot of this stuff comes about."
"Hermi," said George quite suddenly, "would you ever consider calling Snape, Sevvy?"
"Why did you just call me Hermi?" she asked.
"Pet name, remember?"
"It isn't real Ron," said Hermione soothingly, "calm down. Why would I call Snape anything but Snape?"
"Because you're in love with him," said Fred as if he was explaining alphabetical order to a fifteen year old, "obviously you two have been having sex in the dungeon for years he needed you to help him heal his wounds. Don't you remember? Or were you too depressed and drunk at the time?"
Hermione rolled her eyes and would have said a very witty remark if George hadn't distracted them all by shouting, "Ginny and Malfoy! Ginny and Malfoy!"
Ron turned beet red, his eyes narrowed, hands balled into fists, "Genivra Molly Weasley get your arse up here and --"
"Ron!" said Hermione loudly over the bubbling of Ron's brain in his ears, "Ron, it's fan fiction it's not true on any level. Well except in fanon," she continued quickly before Ron could shout again, "but we're canon, we're nothing like they pretend. I'm not a slut, Harry's not slitting his wrists, and you...you're..."
"Oblivious?" George said helpfully.
"Idiotic?" Fred added.
"Incompetent?" George tacked on.
"Not posh," Fred decided, "so you don't get to say 'twincest.'"
"I don't get to say what?" Ron inquired.
Ginny came up the stairwell now, "What do you want Ron?" she yawned, "I was taking a nap, JKR was pulling an all nighter with me last night."
"He wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything...unsavory," Fred smirked, "with young idiot Malfoy."
"What? With Malfoy? Uch, how could you even--," then comprehension dawned on her, "turn off the computer now before you give JKR weird ideas."
It was just then that something hit Hermione hard, quite literally like a ton of bricks. She knew that he had to say it whether she wanted to or not so she cleared her throat over the twins and Ginny arguing, licked her lips, and said, "we aren't canon."
"What?" asked Fred, "of course we are."
"We may be close to it," she agreed, "but if we were canon we wouldn't exist in this atmosphere, we aren't real, we can only exist in the Harry Potter universe, which this obviously isn't." She gestured towards the computer, "I think we may be in a fan fiction."
Tonks arched an eyebrow trying to figure this out. George smacked his forehead, "you know what 'Mione, you're right. The only way this could happen is if...is if this was written by someone other than JKR, which means it isn't canon..."
Hermione nodded choosing to ignore the stupid nickname for the moment, "We can't actually be reading fan fiction because we DON'T EXIST IN THAT UNIVERSE. We're book characters, that's the only plane we know! Which means that although we claim to be canon we're actually fanon, which makes this entire story a paradox. So this has to be written by a fan fiction writer! So it's a fan fiction about canon characters who have just realized they can't be canon, because we're so canon we know that this can't be! We don't exist!"
"So--" Ron began but never got to finish the sentence because just at that moment they all exploded into a thousand little pieces of logic destroying half of the fan fiction author's brain in the process.
The End!
A/N: Yes it's a cop out, yes Greyback never acted very canon anyway (but come on tell me emo Greyback didn't make you laugh! That's all this was really for!) but the horrible paradox of it all was getting to me...my brain did just implode. I've got a monster headache now. Gah! I need advil. Damn you logic! You win again!