Chapter 6:

Thirteen months have passed since I've moved here; twenty-two months since I've been free. My life has settled into some semblance of a daily routine, but still, I find that I have much more time than I know what to do with.

I've taken up painting, snorkeling and spear fishing, the latter being taught to me by Ione and a cousin of his named Patricia. They've taught me much about the sea; how to tell whether the tide is coming in or going out, and the names of different plants and fishes. Nevertheless despite all that I am learning, the friends I've made and my best efforts to keep busy and fill my days with activity I feel a growing sense of restlessness.

Questions of doubt fill me. Is it right that I live this almost idyllic life, especially after all that I've committed in the name of Section? Sometimes I feel that I should have been like O'Brian and remained behind to work for the government, especially when I see the headlines of the growing strife in the Middle East. I have skills and knowledge that can be useful there and I feel as if I have an obligation to be there. But at the same time I am reluctant to commit myself to that dark world again. A part of me is weary of the fight, of the blood and gore and death. I want so much for my life to be normal.

"You know what wrong?" Teinia said to me one evening as I walked with her and her toddler Lili upon the beach. She must have noticed my melancholy lately because she didn't hesitate to share with me her thoughts about the cause of it.

"You too alone! A beautiful woman like you, young and plenty energy… You need big man make you feel good. You make him feel good too! You marry, make lots of babies and then you happy, no?"

I smile at her theory before dismissing it. "I don't need a man, Teinia. I need a life. Something to do that is worthwhile and important."

"Love important. Raising babies important."

I shook my head and looked out over the sea as we walked. Her words struck a chord hidden deep within me as I remembered a conversation Michael and I had in what seems now a lifetime ago. "We could have our own children."

To this day I can barely believe Michael spoke that. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine he would have thoughts of us conceiving a child; we certainly never spoke of it. Usually it was me who did most of the talking as we lay in bed. I would tell him of my dreams of him and me building a life together somewhere far away on a secluded island with no one around to bother us, and he would lay quietly and listen. If I asked him what it was he dreamed of he would smile at me and say that his dream was a secret, kept hidden away where no one else could reach it but where he could always escape to. "You're there," he confessed. "You're always there in my dreams, Nikita."

"I have a cousin," Teinia said, bringing me back to the present. "Big. Strong. Handsome boy. I introduce you if you like."

I laughed aloud. "No thank you, Teinia. I'll be okay."

Lili had plopped herself down in the sand and was playing with seaweed that had washed ashore. Teinia and I sat down nearby and enjoyed the early evening breeze and the beginning of what would be a beauiful sunset.

"You love someone," Teinia said suddenly, and I looked up to find her watching me carefully. "That's why you no date, yes?"

"No," I lie smoothly. "There is no one. Sometimes a woman just needs to be alone and, mind you, there's nothing wrong with that."

Teinia threw her head back and laughed.

"What?" I asked, and she shook her head.

"You're funny."

"Well I'm glad you think so."

"I know you love someone because I used to have that same look when Pelu and I first married."

I looked at her in surprise and Teinia explained. "Pelu and I didn't know each other. My father was the chief of my village and Pelu's father was the chief of his. They decided that a marriage between our families would be good. So Pelu and I married."

"Wow." I would never have guessed my two good friends had had an arranged marriage. "Well I'm glad things worked out for you two."

"Oh it wasn't easy in the beginning. I had a boyfriend and I loved him very much. Pelu too had a girlfriend. I cried many tears in the beginning. And I also had that look, the same one I see many times on your face."

I turned my gaze out to sea and didn't comment, but I was intrigued to by her story. "What happened to change your mind about Pelu?" I asked.

Teinia shrugged her shoulders. "It's hard to say. I hated him at first, and I know he did not love me either. But over time we began to know each other. It is hard to live with a man and share his bed and not begin to feel something for him. In time those feelings grew deeper. And then I had Ione and the other children; now I can't imagine what my life would be like without Pelu."

"Time heals all wounds," I said softly, thinking more of Michael and myself.

"Only if you allow it too," Teinia answered. "Pelu and I could have had a very different story to tell if we did not learn to let go of our past and allow our hearts to love again."

Her story was like a double-edged sword. I knew what she was saying, that I should let go of whoever it was that was in my heart and move on with life. I knew that she was only trying to help, but I couldn't let go of Michael. He was a part of me. Section had changed me in so many ways, it made me do things that I am too ashamed to share with anyone out in the real world. But Michael knew and understood. He was there and knew from experience everything that Section had done to me, to us. Those are things you can't share with others no matter how much you want to. I imagine it must be similar to what many soldiers go through in war and of having to learn to deal with the horror of those experiences once they returned home. I did more then just kill though. I don't even like to think of the other things I had to commit in the name of Section. With Michael there was no need for words because he had to do the same things. We were bonded in that way. So why wouldn't I go and find him? The answer was simple. I was afraid.

Lili grew tired of her play and came over to her mother. Teinia stood and lifted her up into her arms. "Okay, time for us to go home and get dinner ready." She turned to ask if I wanted to join them but I shook my head and smiled at her.

"You think about what I said," she advised, and I nodded.

"Thank you for sharing that story with me," I tell her. "I'm glad everything worked out for you and Pelu."

"It will for you too," Teinia said, smiling. "Trust in your heart to do what is right."

Two weeks later I was returning from an early morning run on the beach. The tide was out and the ocean breeze was refreshing. After my talk with Teinia I had thought long and hard about my feelings for Michael and I decided to accept that he was gone from my life. I will always love him and he will always be a part of me, but I couldn't keep torturing myself with this hope that we would one day be together again. I had to live again, be free and enjoy this life I now had.

As I neared home I saw Ione walking toward me. He carried his fishing spear in one hand and goggles and net bag in the other.

"Heading out?" I asked, and he nodded.

"The tide is perfect. Want to go with me?"

I looked out over the ocean and smiled. Why not? It was a beautiful morning and I had nothing planned for the day. "I'll go change and get my stuff."

"Cool. I'll teach you how to catch octopus!"

I wrinkled my nose and laughed. It couldn't be any worse then the time we went fishing for eels. I left Ione sitting on the beach and ran up to the house to get my things, which included my underwater camera, and slather on a good dose of sun block.

The water was crystal clear that morning. Ione and I went out to a spot where we knew a large tide pool existed and there would be plenty of fish. I didn't much like spear fishing so I let Ione do that while I spent my time exploring and taking photos. It was so beautiful under the water and I loved the anticipation of going back home afterward and looking up information on all of the different plant and fish species.

After two hours Ione called out to me and held up his catch. It included two large gray octopus and I shivered as Ione laughed. Seeing his youthful enthusiasm made me suddenly think of Birkoff, something I haven't done in a long time, and I wished silently that he could be here to share this experience. My poor Birkoff; he spent his whole life inside of Section. How I wish he could have experienced this world.

"Hey," Ione said, and he pointed past me toward shore. "I think someone is here to see you. Up there by your house."

I turned to look, pushing the wet hair out of my face and squinted from the sunlight sparkling off of the water. Ione was right, someone was up at my house but the person had disappeared around the front and all I had been able to tell was that it was a man.

I wasn't expecting anyone. "Did you recognize him?" I asked, and Ione shook his head.

There had been something vaguely familiar about the silhouette I'd seen. I began making my way back to shore while Ione followed behind. "Tell your mother that I'll be by later," I told him as we reached the beach.

"You want me to come up to the house with you?" he asked, but I shook my head. Teinia's whole family was very protective of me, which was a nice feeling, but I was more then capable of taking care of myself and I wouldn't dare put any of them in any possible danger. Not that I was expecting trouble but, still, it paid to be cautious.

Up at my house there was a black jeep in the driveway. My senses were on alert as I looked around for whoever it was that had driven the jeep. Just as I was about to head around to the other side of the house I heard a sound behind me. I spun around and stopped in my tracks.

There – just a few feet away from me – stood the person I had given up hope of ever seeing again. Michael.