(Drums.) We get an aerial shot of two air craft carriers approaching different tropical islands. The music gets exciting as Jeff Probst begins a voice over:

"Today, 16 Cybertronians are beginning an adventure of a lifetime." (Shots of various transformers lounging, looking nervous, adjusting their Survivor buffs of either pink with white polka dots or teal with white stripes.) "For the next 39 days, they will have no weapons, no subpspace compartments, no special abilities like summoning lighting or becoming invisible. Their sigils are covered up." (Camera focuses on Probst while he stands on the deck of a small gun boat.) "They will with compete to be the ultimate mech to outplay, outwit, outlast, for the chance of a million barrels of Karbombian oil. This is their story: This is Survivor!"

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

Jeff: (Shots of gunboat Jeff is standing on) Sixteen contestants are about to jump off this aircraft carrier to begin their journey to their camps. (Shot of Autobotopea flag, Decepticonniption flag.) There they will find a machete and their tribal flag. Their first task as a team is to use their map-reading skills to find camp, build a shelter, find the water well, and make a fire. Why? It's tradition. (He shrugs.) Survivors ready? GO!

(Both tribes jump off the boat, sink to the bottom and WALK to the beach.)

Rumble: (Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist) Our first job was to find our camp. Since Shrapnel ate the map, we decided to fly.

((Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized))

(Shows Megatron declaring that walking in the jungle is stupid, and all fly away. They fly over Autobotopea camp.)

Megatron: This could be useful information. Soundwave! Send Laserbeak over for reconnaissance!

Soundwave: Tapes confiscated: host culprit.

Megatron: Curse you Probst! You will not thwart me like you did before! (Shakes fist)

Rumble: Look! The Autobots are lost!

(Camera swoops down to Autobotopea, who are going in the wrong direction)

Cliffjumper: (Executive Producer for 'Unsolved Mysteries') I had the map. MIRAGE thought we were going the wrong way.

Mirage (looking over Cliffjumper's shoulder): We need to be going north!

Cliffjumper: We ARE going north!

Mirage: No we're not! Moss grows on the north side of trees.

Cliffjumper: What! There's no moss in a jungle!

Mirage: Yes there is!

Optimus Prime: (High school guidance counselor): No one could agree with which way to go. I was not about to speak...I don't get involved in domestic squabbles.

Ironhide: (Country musician): We wahndered around all day!

(Shot of snake slithering on the beach. Suddenly, Megatron's foot lands on it with a squish)

Megatron: (Psychology professor) The moment we got to camp, I took over.

Megatron: (pointing to various places.) We need a shelter, water, and a fire. We'll build here.

(Shots of them hacking away at bamboo with a machete, Decepticonniptions gathering supplies, Motormaster and Scrapper tying the bamboo together)

Motormaster: (Construction worker) So far nobody's really stuck out as an individual, except Megatron. He TOLD Soundwave and Rumble they were on his alliance. I guess the rest of us are on our own.

Motormaster to Scrapper as they work: So if we use palm leaves as a roof-

Scrapper: Good idea!

Scrapper (Truck driver): Me and Motormaster seem to be getting along pretty well. We both like Tenacious D, Kevin Smith movies, and 'The Simple Life.' Now we go around together saying "Snoogans!" and "That's hot."

(Shots of Starscream trying to start a fire. Mishap holds the wood.)

Megatron: Don't you have that done YET?

Starscream: The wood is wet!

Megatron (Hits him in the shoulder, causing a spark that ignites the kindling): I guess you ARE worth something. Where's the rest of the firewood?

Mishap: Shrapnel ate it.

Megatron (looking up.): He's eating the shelter, too! (Runs over to swat him off.)

Shrapnel: (Plumber) I was hungry, hungry! Why does Megatron have to be so bossy, bossy?

Scrapper (Surveying damage): Bunch of savages in this town.

(Shots of gorgeous sunset. Autobotopea FINALLY trudges wearily into camp.)

Red Alert: (Suicide hotline operator) We got to camp, after listening to those inane idiots Wheelie and Blurr babble the whole time. (Shots of the two talking fast and rhyming.) It was even harder thanks to the Survivor people taking away our headlights. When we got there, we voted on turning in early. Blurr talked for another TWO HOURS.

Wheelie: (Student) Wheelie wish Blurr would shut up! Rather be stuck here with Kup! (Night vision shows Blurr talking all night while the others try to sleep.)

Grimlock: (Interrupting Wheelie's confessional, coming on camera) HEY WHEELIE! ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO BE IN ALLIANCE WITH YOU! NO ONE SUSPECT IT BE YOU AND ME GRIMLOCK!

Wheelie: Hey! OK!

DAY TWO

(Shots of Mirage trying to make a fire. Cliffjumper brings in wood and tells him he's doing it wrong.)

Mirage: (White House Intern) I don't know why he thinks he needs to pick a fight with me. If he wants trouble, he's got it!

Blurr (comes in, gets his own sticks, and moves them so fast the whole load of wood ignites.): ThereitsnotsohardwhenyougetenoughfrictiontoignitethestickslikeIjustdidsee?

(Arial shots of their meeting place one the beach as both teams arrive, carrying their flags. They size each other up.)

Jeff: Hi! (They greet him back.) How was your first night? (Vague responses.) Decepticonniptions, did you build your fire?

Megatron: Shrapnel ate it.

Jeff: It happens. How about you, Autobotopea?

Ironhide: Grimlock knocked it out with his foot.

Grimlock: SORRY.

Jeff: All right then. Welcome to your first immunity challenge. As you know, on the planet earth, fire represents life.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK NOT KNOW THAT!

Jeff: Anyway, here is your challenge: One 'bot of your choice will sit this out while the rest of you must form a cheerleader pyramid. Your top 'bot will fire ten arrows into that bowl of gasoline, held by another tribemate, fifty feet away. The fire will burn through a rope until, through elaborate pullies, it pulls a flag up. YOU MUST REMAIN IN YOUR PYRAMID AND YOUR TRIBEMATE MUST HOLD THE BOWL THE WHOLE TIME UNTIL THE FLAG COMES UP. Anyone falls, you lose. Run out of arrows first, you wait until the others are finished before we continue. Any questions?

Mishap (hand raised): "Why am I here?"

Jeff (looking at her, incredulous.): We needed a token self-insertion character. It was either you or Mary Sue.

Mishap: Oh.

Jeff: Decide who will sit out, and who will hold the bowl. (Waits for decisions made; Shrapnel and Wheelie sit on the rugs laid out for the tribes.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm.) Go!

(Grimlock hoists up the bowl and stands still as Optimus, Ironhide, and Red Alert form the first layer on a designated rug fifty feet away. Cliffjumper and Mirage form the second layer, Blurr stands on the top, bow ready. He is handed the flaming arrows from an invisible hand. He fires all ten at once, it seems, until Jeff demands an instant replay that proves otherwise. All ten arrows miss. MEANWHILE Rumble holds the bowl up, complaining about its weight. Megatron, Motormaster, and Soundwave form the first layer, Scrapper and Starscream the second. Mishap stands on top, carefully aims a flaming arrow, and misses.)

Starscream: (shaking under her) Hurry up!

(Mishap sees Blurr fire all ten of his arrows the same way, thinks about it, and fires her next arrow in a parabolic arch. It misses, landing next to Rumble. She aims more to the left, fires, and watches the bowl catch fire. He pyramid wobbles.)

Jeff: Decepticonniption has fire. Stay steady...steady...(Teal flag goes up) There's the flag! The Decepticonniptions have immunity!

(Slowing down of film as Rumble throws down the bowl into the sand and runs with Shrapnel to the others disentangling themselves from the collapsed pyramid. Most are hugging, smacking each other's shoulders, Motormaster and Scrapper butt their chests, etc. Music swells, switching to Autobotopea looking miserable as they watch the celebration.)

(At Autobotopea, all look at each other uncomfortably and make meager excuses of getting water, firewood, going for a walk, etc. Ironhide and Blurr go to get firewood. Ironhide stands still, arms outstretched, and the pile of branches grow. A flash of blue occasionally shows up to deposit the firewood. Suddenly, Blurr is in front of Ironhide.)

Blurr: (History teacher at Bayside High) IfiguredIneededtotalktoIronhideheknowstheothersbetterthanIdo.

Blurr: Ironhidewhoarewevotingfor?

Ironhide: Whaht? (Blurr repeats himself fourteen times). Ah. We're gettin' rid o' Wheelie.

Blurr: OhgoodIwasafraiditwasmeI'mgladitsWheelieIdidn'tknowforsure.

Ironhide: (Country musician) There was NO WAY Ah was telling 'im tha truth. It would come back t' haunt me. Besahdes, it was HIS fault we lost.

(Shots of Blurr telling everyone how they are voting off Wheelie. Shot of spider eating fly in its web.)

TRIBAL COUNCIL

(Shows another arial shot of tribe Autobotopea trudging in. Jeff greets them soberly and has them light their torches and sit down on giant benches.)

Jeff: Red Alert...So what happened out there today?

Red Alert: We tried our best, and it didn't work. We underestimated our enemies, and...it cost us.

Jeff: Do you think you'll be taking the game a bit more seriously? (All nod.) Grimlock, is there anyone here you would consider the scapegoat?

Grimlock: THE WHAT?

Jeff: Forget it! Mirage, you're up!

(Mirage gets up, goes to voting spot, writes name down, while scary music plays. Others are seen getting up and writing in a montage. Wheelie holds up his paper, to show it says "Blurr" with a smiley face.)

Wheelie: Wheelie say, better you than me today!

Jeff: (Music gets dramatic as Jeff watches Wheelie sit.) I'll go tally the votes. (He goes over and picks the container up.) Once the final vote is read, the tribemate will leave the area immediately. All results are final. (He picks up the first piece of paper and unfolds it, revealing to the audience.) "Blur." (Next one is taken out) "Blurr." (Subject in question looks shocked.) "Wheelie." "Blir." (Jeff looks at them in exasperation.) Learn to spell! (He takes another one out.) Oh, this is classic. (He opens it to show a stick person with horizontal lines behind it.) Should I assume this is Blurr? (Grimlock nods. Jeff pulls out another paper.) "Jeff Probst?" Are you insane?

Optimus Prime: I can't vote off my fellow tribe members!

Jeff: You will or I replace you with Hot Rod!

Optimus: Grrrrr.

Jeff: (Taking sixth piece of paper out. Music tenses up) First Survivor voted off: Blurr. (Blurr gets up, grabs his torch, and stares at Jeff in dismay as the sad music plays and the lights change.) Blurr, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff puts the flame out. Blurr is quiet. For once.) The rest of you: get back to camp, take your torches with you for fire, and try to rest up.

(Music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

A shocking attack jeopardizes Autobotopea!

(Blurr's speech is heard as credits roll and reveal EVERYONE but Optimus voted him off. No part is intelligible, due to the expletive beeped out and the speed of his voice.)