Jeff Probst's voiceover: "Previously on 'Survivor': the teams got to know each other on a personal level." (Show Mirage and Cliffjumper arguing, Megatron ordering people around. Shots change to the immunity challenge debacle.)

"The Autobotopea tribe attempted to raise the flag first, but they lost to the Decepticonniptions, and Blurr was sent home in the end."

Jeff: First Survivor to leave: Blurr. (Blurr gets up, grabs his torch, and stares at Jeff in dismay as the sad music plays and the lights change.) Blurr, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff puts the flame out. Blurr is quiet. For once.)

"Who will be next?"

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

((Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized))

DAY FOUR

(Morning shots of camps, starting with Autobotopea)

Mirage: (White House Intern) (His pink with white polka dot buff is around his arm) The morning started off pretty bad. No one wanted to talk about last night, so we sort of left each other alone. That is, until Red Alert got attacked.

Red Alert: AUGH! (Runs out of the underbrush yelling.) A SNAKE bit me! (Holds up his arm to show a snake dangling from his arm by its fangs. It complements the buff wrapped around his other arm) Help! (Others stare, bewildered.)

Cliffjumper: (His buff is around him like a tube top) Snakes don't do anything to us! (Laughs.) You sissy.

Red Alert: I...am not...a SISSEEEEEEY! ("Play that Funky Music, Whiteboy" plays in the background as he throws the snake away. Red Alert screams as he rotates on one leg and karate kicks Cliffjumper into bushes nearby.)

Ironhide: (Nearby, working on waterproofing the shelter and shocked) Rayd!

Red Alert: GASP, Gasp, gasp...He shouldn'ta,..-gasp-called me...a sissy.

Ironhide: (Country musician) (His buff is wrapped around his leg) They were tha least o' my problems! Ah have never seen a lazier group o' Autobots in this life cycle!

(Shots of Grimlock and Wheelie frolicking in the water (their buffs are on like headbands) while Optimus Prime and Mirage lie on the beach sunning themselves, with their buffs around their wrists.)

Optimus Prime: Does anyone mind if I take my top off?

Others: No.

(He takes the red part of his armor off and his chest is pixilated.)

Ironhide: Kin you guys help me haul some water over here?

Grimlock: WHAT WE NEED WATER FOR?

Red Alert: (Coming back from a solitary beach ramble, an hour after the snake incident.) We don't. He just can't stand to see us not working. It gives him an excuse to vote us off and take over!

Ironhide: That's not fair! Ah work mah aft off for you guys, you could help me out wonce in ahwhile!

(Optimus sighs, puts his top back on, and gets up to help. Cliffjumper bursts through the undergrowth, branches attached to him, scuffed paint, and a large dusty footprint on his chest. He is waving an envelope.)

Cliffjumper: We got treemail!

(Zoom in from arial shots to camp Decepticonniption.)

Mishap: (Flight attendant) I think we've been adjusting OK to the conditions out here, but the guys had an unusual way of reacting to some of the wildlife.

Soundwave: (Running into camp as fast as he can, metallic voice robotically agitated.) AUGH!

(Others look up from boiling water, fixing shelter from parts Shrapnel didn't eat, or making Megatron a throne out of bamboo. Everyone has his or her teal and white striped buff in headdress form.)

Megatron: Soundwave! Report!

Soundwave: (Points while jumping up and down in disturbingly uncharacteristic hysterics) Object location: There he is!

(Shows a family of rabbits eating some grass. One rabbit is larger than the others and upright, glaring at Soundwave. There are some bones nearby.)

(All male Decepticoniptions have fits): AUGH!

Megatron: Run away! Run away! (Decepticonniptions flee to the top of a palm tree near the camp.)

Mishap: WHAT are you DOING! It's just a rabbit!

Motormaster: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

Mishap: (Shakes her head at them all cowering in a tree like cats. She walks over to the rabbits, chasing them away. The 'bones' are actually bleached rocks. She fills a nearby hole she assumes is their home.) You can come down now, it's safe!

Starscream: I HATE those things! What kind of place did they send us to, with nasty wire-eating rodents like that!

(The Decepticonniptions float down from above, complaining about the rotten conditions.)

Mishap: I'm going to check for treemail, and get more water while I'm at it. Anyone want to come with me?

Starscream: I will.

Megatron: (Watching them leave, turning to Soundwave and Rumble.) I don't trust those two.

(Scene of Starscream and Mishap walking in the jungle, discussing who they should add to their alliance.)

Mishap: I think Motormaster and Scrapper would be a good addition.

Starscream: Negative. We need Shrapnel to be our surprise third person.

Mishap: And not the other two?

Starscream: At least, not for now. I want one of them to be betrayed by Megatron first before they turn to us for aid.

Mishap: What if there's a merge?

(Back at Autobotopea, the treemail is being read.)

Cliffjumper: "To make a boat, it needs to float, a reward you'll get, or be the goat!" What does that mean?

Jeff Probst: (Coming in on his favorite gunboat) It means...(Jumps off while invisible hands plop sticks and materials onto beach.) ...that for your reward challenge, you need to build a usable watercraft with only what you have just been provided. (Materials are dragged up and placed at their feet. Jeff jumps back into boat.) Bring it with you to the reward challenge!

Grimlock: (Rocket scientist) ME GRIMLOCK THINK JEFF AFRAID OF US AUTOBOTS! HE PUNISH US BY MAKING US BUILD STUPID BOAT!

Optimus: He wants a boat? (Walks over, picks up bundle of sticks, throws it in water. The bundle floats.) There's our boat!

Red Alert: Will it hold together?

Ironhide: Ah kin tie it better. Ah need help. (Looks up to see beach deserted.) Jerks.

DAY FIVE: REWARD CHALLENGE:

(Arial zoom in of both teams hauling their boats in. The Decepticonniptions have a true master-craft of sticks pieced together in a square shape. It looks nice and fits them all comfortably. The Autobotopeas have Grimlock carrying their bundle of sticks on his back.)

Jeff: Take a good look at the new Autobotopea. Notice who's gone?

Decepticonniptions: No.

Jeff: (looking annoyed.) Blurr.

Decepticonniptions: Ahhhh.

Jeff: Anyway, your reward challenge: You are to select two teammates to paddle on your boat to the corresponding tribe raft floating out there. You will grab ONE puzzle piece, paddle all the way back here, deposit the piece, and either go back out or switch places with your other tribemates. Once ALL puzzle pieces are collected, and the boat is ashore, then one person puts the puzzle together. You can give up and allow another to do it, but only one at a time and none of you can tell him what to do while he assembles it. Want to know what you're playing for? (He realizes all have glassy eyes, watching the dolphins behind him playing in the ocean.) I SAID, WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING FOR?

All: (Now attentive.) Yeah!

Jeff: The winner will have the choice of an energon converter run by steam-it needs fresh water to keep it cool-or three wool blankets.

(All look at each other, puzzled.)

Optimus: Blankets? We don't need no stinkin' blankets!

Jeff: (Ignoring the confusion around him.) Decepticonniption! Have you decided who will sit out? Shrapnel sat out the last time. (Mishap volunteers.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go!

(Decepticonniption's craft is easier to get into water. Megatron and Rumble take the first shift, slugging it along as they paddle on opposite ends of the square-shaped boat. Autobotopea's clump is hard to launch, but once Grimlock and Optimus get it going, it glides quickly in the ocean. Jeff makes rules up as they go.)

Jeff: You have to paddle! Grimlock, you cannot transform and use your tail as a propeller! Megatron! You have to paddle! No flying!

Megatron: You're changing the rules mid-way again, Probst! Just like you did on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy!

Jeff: Autobotopea is pulling ahead and gaining a lead! Decepticonniption is slowing down! Here comes Autobotopea to get the first puzzle piece!

(Yelling and cheering on the beach increases. The Autobotopea are three pieces ahead when during his turn on the boat, Scrapper drops the puzzle piece in his hand. He dives overboard, while Jeff yells that the boat can't go anywhere until the piece is found. While Scrapper searches the ocean floor, the final piece is delivered to Autobotopea and the seaworthy bundle is dragged ashore. Shrapnel begins eating it.)

Jeff: Get away from that!

Shrapnel: They're not using it! I'm starving, starving!

(None of the Autobots have figured out the puzzle by the time Scrapper emerges with the puzzle piece. They have two more to go.)

Mirage: This is hopeless!

Cliffjumper: Eager to quit MIRAGE? Maybe you're throwing the challenge!

Mirage: You try, then!

(Cliffjumper finds the puzzle not that easy. He blames Mirage for the pieces not being set up right. Red Alert panics. Ironhide yells for someone to pick up the slack. While everyone fights Grimlock leans over and puts it together.)

Jeff: Autobotopea have it! They win reward!

(Grimlock's tribemates cease fighting and turn to stare in wonder.)

Red Alert: How did you do that, Grimlock?

Grimlock: IT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

(Time for a Doritos break. Mmm. Corporate sponsorship rules!)

(Nighttime at Autobotopea. The fire is lit, but night vision gives us a Hilton kind of view. The boys are enjoying fresh energon by the coconut shellful. Just for fun, we're going to pretend the coconuts are robot-sized.)

Cliffjumper: He could grasp it by the husk!

Mirage: It's not a matter of how! It's a matter of weight-ratios. An eight once bird cannot carry a five pound coconut!

Grimlock: AFRICAN OR EUROPEAN?

Optimus Prime: (Gets up and stretches in the firelight.) I'm getting a little over-energized. I'm going to bed. Goodnight! (Awkward silence for a few moments.)

Red Alert: I wonder what the Decepticonniptions are up to.

(Night-vision at the fireside. Starscream is standing, the others sitting.)

Starscream: The walls were shakin', the earth was quakin' my mind was achin' we were makin' and YOU-

Others: Shook me all night long!

Starscream: Yeah YOU-

Others: Shook me all night long!

DAY SIX

Motormaster: (Construction worker) We're taking that loss kind of hard, but we're not losing hope. Too bad that prize was so lame. I mean, who gives robots BLANKETS? Megatron wanted to smother Jeff with them, but we found out they go a great job of muting Soundwave's snoring. (Shots of the Decepticonniptions offline in the shelter. Motormaster is spooning Megatron, Soundwave holds Rumble on his belly like a Teddy bear, and Mishap and Starscream are making out.) I mean, that guy can SNORE!

Scrapper: (to Motormaster, as they walk to get treemail.) They are our biggest threat.

Motormaster: I think Megatron is.

Scrapper: Maybe so, but he's not as sneaky. When he wants to vote us off, he'll let us know ahead of time. Those two jets would be more likely to blindside us. If we get Rumble alone, and demonstrate to him his lower position on Megatron's totem pole, then promise him a spot in the final three, we have a no-fail alliance! Starscream and Mishap, I wouldn't trust at all.

Motormaster: I still think that Megatron has bigger numbers and a more loyal group. Mishap can be turned. She used to be an Autobot, you know.

Scrapper: Did you ever watch Survivor: All-Stars? (Motormaster shakes his head.) We HAVE to break up the Mis/Scream alliance. Believe me.

(Shots of nature at its finest. No rabbits. Scrapper and Motormaster return with treemail. Mishap comes back from the well with Shrapnel; Starscream is with Megatron and company.)

Scrapper: "Not getting hugs! You're eating bugs! Don't do drugs! You're eating bugs!" (He lowers notice.) They're not even trying.

DAY SEVEN: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Swoop down to Jeff's ugly face. He's eating Doritos.)

Jeff: Come on in! I will take back the immunity idol. (Reclaims the G.I. Joe TM with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Today, you have a special immunity challenge. (Flourishes table with plates set at it.) Survivor is not Survivor without eating bugs! (Takes off cloth that was covering a muddy bowl with nasty creatures in it.) You have to eat the whole thing, and whoever doesn't is out. As we go, the bugs get nastier. (Gleefully) don't let it walk off your plate! We continue this until one person is left. Their tribe gets immunity. Any questions?

Optimus Prime: Jeff, I can't eat bugs! All sentient beings deserve to be free! (Jeff glares.) Besides...I have no mouth.

Megatron: Want me to tell you where you can put it?

Jeff: No! You're right Optimus. You have no mouth. Neither do Grimlock or Soundwave. Let me consult the judges.

Megatron: The same ones who cheated me out of winning your short-lived game show?

Jeff: Hush! (He is on his cell phone, arguing, while Grimlock transforms into Dinobot mode and eats the entire bowl.)

Grimlock: SLIMY YET SATISFYING!

Jeff: (Hangs up his phone!) Grimlock! No Transforming! Why did you eat that! Augh! (Thunder claps.)

Mark Burnett: (Appearing from heaven.) Probst! Hear my ruling! (Jeff falls on his knees.) What are you doing?

Jeff: I'm averting my eyes, oh lord.

Mark: Well, stop it! It's always 'forgive me' this, and 'I'm not worthy' that...anyway, my ruling: I have a bag of two colored stones: one purple and one yellow. One representative of each tribe will select a rock from this bag. The team with the purple rock will face tribal council. Now, who are your representatives? (Ironhide steps forward, Starscream is pushed. Starscream reaches in and pulls out a yellow rock. Ironhide is left with purple.) Decepticonniption wins immunity! (Burnett disappears in a heavenly light and everything returns to normal except that Autobotopea is upset.)

Jeff: (After swallowing hard and slowly rising from the earth.) See you guys at tribal council.

(Shows relieved Decepticonniptions grabbing immunity idol and Motormaster leading them all in singing "Superfreak" as they leave the area.)

Mirage: I don't like that ruling.

Cliffjumper: You don't like anything! Why do we have you around?

(Back at camp, the Autobots disperse again. Cliffjumper is talking to Wheelie and Grimlock about voting off Mirage. Next scene, he's playing on Red Alert's paranoia. Cliffjumper's confession underscores this play.)

Cliffjumper: (Executive Producer for Unsolved Mysteries) There is NO WAY I am leaving this island tonight. The people I talked to don't like Mirage at all, and agreed to vote for me. I know he's got that alliance with Ironhide and Optimus Prime, but with all of my persuasive communication skills, I KNOW he's leaving! I can't wait 'til he's out of here! I'm counting down the minutes!

((Author's note: sorry, I couldn't resist))

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: (waits for them to all sit down.) So, how did you like the almighty Burnett?

Optimus: Not too fond of his idea of justice.

Jeff: I didn't ask you! I asked Wheelie.

Wheelie: Jeff, I find this so confusing: why is Mark a praise that you sing?

Jeff: Moving on: Mirage, who are you voting for?

Mirage: Go fish.

Jeff: Retard. Cliffjumper, is there someone in this group you'll be glad to vote off?

Cliffjumper: Only the guy who deserves it most.

Jeff: With that said, Optimus, you're up!

Optimus: (Goes forward and votes for Cliffjumper) Sorry, old friend. I have a promise to keep.

Cliffjumper: (Montage of others voting, ending with Cliffjumper voting off Mirage.) Hope you like Loser Lodge.

Jeff: Everyone finished? I'll go tally the votes. (Music gets dramatic. He goes over and picks the container up.) Once the final vote is read, the tribemate will leave the area immediately. The decision is final. (He picks up the first piece of paper and unfolds it, revealing to the audience.) "Mirage." "Cliffjumper" "Mirage" "Cliffjumper" "Cliffjumper" Two votes Mirage, three votes Cliffjumper. (Opens next one. It's blank.) Who's this?

Grimlock: MIRAGE DISAPPEAR. (Wheelie looks dismayed.)

Jeff: (Sarcastically.) Nice. Three votes Mirage, three votes Cliffjumper. (Unfolds last vote. Music tenses up.) Second Survivor to leave: "Cliffjumper." (Cliffjumper gets up, grabs his torch, and glares at his teammates as the sad music plays and the lights change.) Cliffjumper, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff puts the flame out. Cliffjumper turns around and gives them all The Finger as he leaves.) The rest of you: go back to camp, get some rest. This has been a stressful day. It's going to get worse.

(Music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

Scramble!

Cliffjumper: (His speech is heard while we see Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Mirage, and Wheelie vote off Cliffjumper.) I guess Red Alert voted me out. Jerks. I hope they get their afts handed to them by those Deceptigoons!