Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on Survivor: Votes turned out different than expected.

Grimlock: MIRAGE DISAPPEAR. (Wheelie looks dismayed.)

What will happen this week?

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized

(Shots of Autobotopea walking back in the dark. Nightvision shows Wheelie frowning and Red Alert nervous. Wheelie turns to glare at Grimlock)

Wheelie: (Pink tribal buff with white polka dots on his head like a headdress) Your brain is full of hodge-podge! Why'd you vote for friend Mirage?

Grimlock: (Pink tribal buff with white polka dots on his abdomen like a tube top) ME CAN'T DRAW CLIFFJUMPER.

Wheelie: Your head's a rock, Grimlock!

Grimlock: TALK NORMAL!

(Both fight until they get back to camp.)

Mirage: (White House intern, buff banded around his leg.) I was almost voted out because Grimlock is a moron. (Shots of the Dinobot lumbering around camp. Mirage is in the background, looking annoyed as he sits by the fire.) He and Wheelie can take their alliance elsewhere.

Optimus Prime: (To others in tribe as they reach the fire. His buff is around like a headband.) We lost a good friend today.

Ironhide: (His buff is around his arm.) He's not dayd, Prahme.

Optimus Prime: I know that! What I'm saying is that we experienced a premature ejection.

Mirage: Too much information!

Red Alert: (Pulling his buff over his optics.) Ew!

Optimus Prime: (Frustrated.) Forget it, I'm going to bed.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SLEEP behind OPTIMUS!

(Shot of the Autobotopea sleeping within each other: All are in the fetal position, facing the right. Grimlock cuddles Optimus cuddles Ironhide cuddles Red Alert cuddle Mirage cuddles Wheelie. Red Alert sniffs the air.)

Red Alert: What's that?

Mirage: A side effect of the fire-produced energon.

All: Augh!

Red Alert: There it is again!

Wheelie: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

All: Augh! (They break apart.)

DAY EIGHT

(Aerial zoom in of Decepticonniption's camp. All are wearing their buffs like armbands. Megatron and Starscream are in front of the fire, arguing.)

Megatron: If I wanted you to sand the seat on my throne, I would have instructed you!

Starscream: I DIDN'T! And if I did, it obviously did nothing to improve your disposition!

Rumble: I did it.

Rumble: (Pulizter Prize-winning columnist.) I though he might like a smoother spot to rule over us.

Megatron: From now on, NOBODY does any extraneous activity until challenges! We have NO energon left to spare!

Mishap: (Mishap and Shrapnel fly back to camp, arms full of coconuts. Recall that the author declared we pretend the coconuts are a decent size for robots.) We do now!

Megatron: What is the meaning of this?

Shrapnel: We emptied coconuts and filled them with the energon from the Autobots, Autobots!

Starscream: You mean you snuck into their camp-

Shrapnel: While they were sunbathing, sunbathing! (Shows pixilated Autobotopea lounging on the beach, except for Red Alert and Ironhide, who trips over their armor cast off around the beach to ask if anyone has been sampling the energon. While everyone denies it, Shrapnel and Mishap are funneling energon into empty coconut husks.)

Starscream: (Julliard instructor) I have never wanted Mishap more. No wait, strike that! -Ahem- Shrapnel and Mishap brought back energon for us. I was glad. We're such a great team! (Anxiously looks at camera.) I hope that will not come back to haunt me.

Shrapnel: (He drinks a little from one of the husks, making a slurping noise.) That sounds funny, funny!

Mishap: (Slurping from her container.) It tastes great!

Shrapnel: Less filling, filling!

Rumble: Shut up and share the wealth! (All take a drink.)

Megatron: Excellent! (All grab their coconuts, calling in Motormaster, Scrapper, and Soundwave from the ocean to get their share.) We'll win the next challenge yet! Now, slurp your nuts!

DAY NINE

(Decepticonniption's camp in the morning. A rabbit, outside of the opening of their shelter, hears them make awakening noises and runs for it. Rumble goes out with Scrapper to the forest.)

Scrapper: -so you see, we can give you a spot on the final three.

Rumble: Megatron already guaranteed me a spot on the final three.

Scrapper: (Consternated.) Uh…how about you help me get rid of Motormaster and you'll be in the final two…and I'll carry you around for the rest of the day.

Rumble: (Thinking about it.) Sure!

(Starscream is sharpening a bamboo strand to defend against rabbits when Scrapper emerges from the woods, carrying Rumble.)

Rumble: We have Treemail! "This challenge will make you beam! Guess it, and it makes you scream!"

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Jeff watches the two tribes come in, smiling at the growth of facial hair and their dirty, scratched bodies.)

Jeff: Take a good look at the new Autobotopea tribe. Notice who's gone?

Decepticonniptions: No…(Starscream guesses Optimus Prime.)

Jeff Probst: It's Cliffjumper, you idiots! Don't you know the names of your enemies?

Megatron: Just one. Jeff Probst.

Jeff: Alright, here's your stupid challenge: It's the beam over water one. You'll be numbered 1-6. (Two Decepticonniptions will sit out.) #6 will have to walk around the others, one at a time, until he has gotten to the end. If you fall off the beam, you have to start over. When he is done, #5 will go next. And so forth. Any questions?

Megatron: Who wrote "You've Got a Friend?"

Jeff: For the last time, Megatron, GET OVER IT!

Megatron: It was Carole King and James Taylor and you KNOW it!

Jeff: Don't get me started!

Megatron: I should have been in your Tournament of Champions!

Jeff: Like the International Gymnastics Committee, Rock and Roll Jeopardy! judges stand by their ruling. You write in Cybertronian, you LOSE!

Megatron: Cursive is NOT Cybertronian!

Optimus Prime: Can we get this over with?

Megatron: You've interfered with my plans for the last time, Prime! Decepticons! Attack! (And they do.)

(Jeff watches the fighting with interest. When he's had his fill, he goes off-camera and brings back a tape player that looks suspiciously like Blaster. He presses 'play.' "What is Love?" plays. As soon as it starts with that catchy beat they freeze. The backup music begins, and they all bob their heads in sync. Jeff turns to the camera.)

Jeff: We're not sure why, but they ALL seem to react that way to the song. (Jeff turns off the song and addresses the robots.) Now get on those beams! (They obey. Scrapper and Shrapnel sit out.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm.) Go!

(Grimlock is first to attempt going across on Autobotopea. He totters around Optimus and promptly pulls him into the water with him. They try again. This time, Optimus pre-emptively falls, grabs Ironhide; who successfully shakes him off but overcompensates and takes Red Alert and Mirage down with him. Wheelie shakes his head in disbelief.)

(The cameras glance at the Decepticonniptions, who in the span of twenty seconds have successfully moved Starscream, Soundwave, and Megatron to the other side of the board.)

Ironhide: (Still in the water) Hey! They're cheatin'!

Jeff: I didn't see it!

Megatron: (To Starscream) I told you it would work! Probst has the attentiveness of a hockey referee!

Soundwave: He he he.

(Motormaster swivels around Mishap successfully, but steps on Rumble. Both fall. Rumble angrily whacks Motormaster, since he cannot use his piledrivers.)

Rumble: How could you fail at this? Nobody tumbles with Rumble!

(On Autobotopea's side, Grimlock is still falling over.)

Grimlock: THIS HARD WITH NO ANTI-GRAVITY!

Ironhide: Yay-ah! How 'bout a break, Probst? (Jeff glances over at the Decepticonniptions in time to see Mishap cross over Rumble and both sway their hips in a dance over to the cheering Decepticonniptions.)

Jeff: Decepticonniptions win! Oh yeah, they win a BETTER energon converter!

(Autobotopea, furious, leave grumbling; while the Decepticonniptions sing loudly "Mr. Roboto" and Megatron hoists their converter over his head.)

DAY TEN

Megatron: (Psychology Professor) I do not trust him, but I need to stay on good terms with Starscream if I want to survive a merge or a scramble. To make him feel like my equal I had him accompany me to get water, where we talked about how someone should steal Autobotopea's energon converter to slow our opponents down, since cheating isn't going fast enough.

Megatron: I can get somebody to do it FOR us so we'll be blame free, and Prime won't be able to do the show.

Starscream: Who is this imaginary hatchet mech?

Megatron: Hatchet-MECHS.

(Shows someone's fist banging a coconut tree. Coconuts are falling as Motormaster concentrates on a stick in his hand. Scrapper stops his tree torture and steps forward, doing a strange dance. He turns back to his silent friend and bangs the tree three more times.)

Scrapper: (Whacking the stick out of Motormaster's hand.) Knock it off! Nuttynuttynuttynutty…

Megatron: Hey Scrap!

Scrapper: Megs Man! Noochie-noochies.

Megatron: (While Starscream stares in shock) You know about this game show thing they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Scrapper: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Starscream: Really, Why?

Scrapper: What else we gonna do? Motormaster here stole the schematic of the stage (gestures to Motormaster, who whips out a blueprint from the passenger door of his trenchcoat-like truck body) from some foolish carpenter-

Starscream: WHAT stage?

Scrapper: This whole SHOW is a stage! Anyway, the foolish carpenter left it out and we found a weakness, just like the freakin' Death Star! He figures you pull this crossbeam out-freakin' bickety bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Megatron: We were thinking about something simple, but if you want to destroy the stage, hey! We're all for that.

Starscream: I thought we wanted them to spy on the Autobots!

Scrapper: That sounds easier. Only problem is All Fours.

Starscream: Who's All Fours?

Scrapper: You don't know who All Fours is? (Huffs.) They don't know who All Fours is. That stupid, lumbering Autobot Grimlock. He's barely upright.

Megatron: Holy slag! I never thought I'd see the day when two such highly reputable mischief makers as yourselves short their circuits at the sight of a cerebrally-challenged Dinobot.

Scrapper: Slag, Megs, we're gonna bust up that camp like a Cybertron Academy kegger. We're just gonna outwit All Fours, X-wing style.

Megatron: I never would have guessed. Alright guys, you have your mission. Go forth, wreak havoc.

(Shots of Autobotopea lounging about, except for a ticked-off Ironhide.)

Mirage: (White House Intern) Ironhide needs to relax. He thinks he's doing us a favor by working all the time, but any nice feelings disappear when he complains about how hard he works.

Red Alert: (Running up to the sunning Autobotopea.) Somebody's sneaking up on us!

Mirage: Really? Where? (Red Alert motions by the fire, not knowing their names he tries to draw a semi and a bulldozer in the sand. Before the others can guess who the drawings are, Grimlock roars and breaks into a run.)

Optimus Prime: (High school guidance counselor) Megatron had doubts regarding his minions' abilities, so he sent Shrapnel and Soundwave to help. (Snicker.) There are several cameras following all of these groups, and thanks to said cameras, Soundwave and Shrapnel are easily captured. Idiots! This is why they lost the war!

(Prime stands over Shrapnel and Soundwave as Grimlock sits on both Decepticonniptions and the rest watch, smirking.)

Prime: Once I realized the both of you were in the camp together I decided to set up this little ambush…to remove…you and your…sidekick here from the premises permanently.

Shrapnel: Hey, why am I HIS sidekick, alright, alright? How do you know he's not MY sidekick, sidekick?

Soundwave: You're nothing but a lot of talk and a sigil. (Grimlock gets whacked upside the head and staggers, collapsing off of the two.)

Scrapper: Oh Son of Jor-el, kneel before Zod. Snootchie Bootchies! Hehehehe. (He takes off with Prime and Ironhide on his heels. Mirage and Red Alert collapse under the Vulcan nerve pinch and Motormaster quickly outruns Autobotopea to get to Scrapper, patting him on the shoulder as he reaches him.) What are we doing? Fly fatass, fly! (They take off, with Shrapnel and Soundwave catching up to them. Motormaster pulls out energon-filled coconuts from the same place he'd hidden the blueprints and threw them at their enemy. The beach explodes, sending Optimus and Ironhide ducking for cover. Scrapper looks admiringly at Motormaster's ingenuity.) Where do you get those wonderful toys? (Kisses his cheek.)

DAY ELEVEN: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots of Autobotopea and Decepticonniption coming up to the challenge area. Both are glaring at the other tribe. Jeff watches, amused expression gone from his face.)

Jeff: I hear there's been a lot of cheating in the past few days.

(No one meets his eye, except for Megatron's insolent look.)

Optimus Prime: Jeff, we're willing to overlook the invasion of our camp if the Decepticonniptions are willing to relinquish their employment of the ability to fly. (They protest.)

Jeff: I think we need to discuss this later. First, the challenge: Each tribe has a representative run their own maze. One tribe member must climb this greased pole to get to a key. That key will lead into the maze, which will have various keys that will unlock various gates to unlock a flag. Take the flag back through the maze. The first representative to bring the flag back wins immunity, and gets the immunity idol. (Jeff gestures to the G.I. Joe TM with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go! (Rumble flies up the greased pole while Mirage is trying to climb it.) That's it! Stop! Stop! STOP!

Rumble: What?

Jeff: I'm sick of this! Decepticonniption, you lose because you cheated! Report to tribal council tonight! Autobotopea, take the idol and go!

(Autobotopea runs out with the idol, cheering loudly the minute they're off-camera.)

Megatron: This is not over Probst! I will prevail!

Jeff: Your most intelligent mode of operation would be to avoid me until I can stand the sight of you. Now get out!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

(Shows Jeff sitting at the fire, brooding. Scary tribal counsel music is playing in background. No Decepticonniptions.)

-Time passes-

(Shots of Jeff pacing in front of the fire, scowling. Still no Decepticonniptions. Music has stopped.)

-More time passes-

Jeff: (Looking at camera, furious.) Of course you realize this means war.

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR: Revenge of the game show host!