Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on Survivor: (Pause) Well, (laughs) you had to be there.
Shots of the Transformers landing in the mud, getting hit with a boulder, running from Guy Le Douche.
Will they behave? Who will they vote off this week?
(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)
Decepticonniption (teal and white buff)
Megatron
Mishap
Motormaster
Rumble
Scrapper
Shrapnel
Soundwave
Starscream
Autobotopea (pink and white buff)
Blurr
Cliffjumper
Grimlock
Ironhide
Mirage
Optimus Prime
Red Alert
Wheelie
Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized
DAY FOURTEEN
(Aerial shots of Decepticonniption at camp, in front of the fire, shell-shocked. Everyone agrees to turn in early. Shots of a full moon, which makes no sense, since in the previous shot we saw the moon in the background and it was a waning gibbous.)
Megatron: (Psychology Professor) Jeff Probst may have won the battle, but I will win the war! Nobody poorly dubs me and lives to tell about it!
(Shots of glorious sunrise, with moon near the horizon in a waxing crescent.)
Red Alert: (Suicide hotline operator, pink buff is wrapped around his wrist) I had a bad feeling about today. Granted, I have a bad feeling about everyday. Today is different, even though I feel better now that all of that sand is out of my gears and I got to shave, and Cliffjumper is gone...(shots of everyone playing tag in the ocean, except for Ironhide, who's working on the fire, and Red Alert, who is stacking firewood.) Camp is a little easier to bear, but dread overshadows everything I do.
Mirage: We have treemail!
Optimus Prime: (Drinking his ration of energon from a coconut half with the others.Again, we pretend the coconuts are robot-sized.) What does it say?
Mirage: One word: "Ch-ch-changes!"
Wheelie: How absurd! That's not a word!
Mirage (Looking irritated at Wheelie.) That's all it says. (Passes it around for all to see.)
Grimlock: (Holding it upside down) TREEMAIL IS STUPID! US AUTOBOTS HAVE RADIO FREQUENCIES! JUST TELL US TO COME OVER AND WE DO!
Mirage: You know, he has a point. Why do we have to walk to the challenges, too? The humans get to ride in air-conditioned SUV's!
Ironhide: Hush. Tha layst thing we need is fer another gayme show host to git us.
REWARD CHALENGE
(Shots of magnificent bats hanging upside down, a crab scuttling along the beach, an aerial shot swooping down to Jeff in his new Survivor: Earth hat (now available on e-bay). He waves the two tribes onto their designated mats.)
Jeff: How was last night?
Others: Good. Good. Soundwave still snores. OK.
Jeff: Today is a momentous occasion for all of you. Drop your buffs. (Armor falls around them.) I said BUFFS!
Optimus, Mishap, Mirage: Sorry. (Put their chestplates back on.)
Jeff: As you drop your TRIBAL BUFFS, (Decepticonniption all had theirs as left armbands, Autobotopea's varied.) you will notice the board ahead of me. (He gestures to an area we did not see in the aerial shot, for some reason. It is basically a robot-sized chessboard, with dark and light-colored wooden panels.) Pick a square to stand on.
Motormaster: I know what's coming! Decepticons, pick ONLY light colored squares in the same column and row as me, or we will be separated!
Jeff: No talking! Pick a square. (Both tribes heed Motormaster's words and pick squares they think will keep them in the same tribe. Jeff is visibly annoyed.) I hope you're all eating crow tonight. Now, pick up the tile you are standing on. Your new tribal buff should be underneath it!
(Shots of them doing that and their reactions. They are looking around to see who is with them, who is not. Some are happy. Some are ticked.)
Red Alert: This is a set up!
Jeff: I said no talking! Now, come over to the mat that corresponds with your new buff!
Author's note: I put names into a hat and drew them out. There were no switches, no alterations. This is how it came out.
New Decepticonniption (in order of appearance from the hat)
Megatron
Ironhide
Scrapper
Rumble
Wheelie
Optimus Prime
Red Alert
New Autobotopea (in order of appearance from the hat)
Grimlock
Motormaster
Mirage
Shrapnel
Mishap
Soundwave
Starscream
(Shots of uncomfortable new tribes eyeing each other. Jeff grins.)
Jeff: Well, you all need time to get acquainted. Go to your new tribes, your stuff is waiting for you, as well as a surprise.
(Zoom out, music swells, we go to commercial for e-bay. Once the kid is finished slaughtering Dean Martin, we come back to see Autobotopea arriving at camp. Various gasps of surprise and happiness.)
Mirage: (White House Intern, buff as a headscarf.) We arrived at camp to see a feast laid out for us.
(Shots of energon cubes, oil, batteries, Turtle Wax for their bodies, new sparkplugs, glass cleaner for their eyes, etc. artfully arraigned on a table. All brought to you by Turtle Wax. They make pigs out of themselves. WAY too many shots of robots eating. Over at Decepticonniption, the atmosphere is a little more formal.)
Ironhide: (Country musician, new teal buff as an armband.) It felt strange havin Megatrahn on our trahbe. I thought he and Prahme would be fightin' the whole tahme but they seem to be doin' OK.
(Decepticonniptions take turns, share, ration themselves, save some for later. This is a HUGE difference from the orgy we just saw at Autobotopea.)
Red Alert: (Suicide hotline operator, new teal buff as a tube top) I don't trust anybody! This game is driving me insane! I was doing fine, until we switched! Now what do I do?
Megatron: New Decepticonniptions, whatever you knew over at your other tribe is null. This tribe is under martial law, and I'm the marshal! You will recognize me as your new leader. Obey my orders or suffer the consequences! (Ironhide, aghast, looks at Optimus. Optimus slowly nods.)Optimus Prime: (High school guidance counselor, new teal buff worn around leg) Megatron has to be KIDDING! Why doesn't he just put a huge target on his back and let us start shooting now? Sure we'll let you think you're supreme ruler, but the minute I'm at tribal counsel, you are going DOWN!
(Back at Autobotopea, Shrapnel is eating all the palm trees he can find. He moves to one of the trees outside of camp, but nobody cares. Starscream is at the fire with a few others, telling them the story of the time Megatron lost favorite duckie, and how Blinky the Loviest Pillbug in the Universe got it back. (Construction worker, new pink buff worn as a headdress) I can't believe I'm not with Scrapper . I have to start from scratch! With STARSCREAM! This is insane!
Starscream: (Julliard instructor, new pink buff worn as wristband) I hate this color. Pink is too femme. This tribe is full of savages, including that blundering idiot Grimlock, who fortunately spends all of his time keeping Shrapnel out of our hair. (Shots of Grimlock leading Shrapnel around to the plantain trees, where he can eat the fruit, leaves, and trunk itself and bother no one.) I am concerned about Mishap. (Shots of her at the banquet talking a mile a minute to Mirage.) She and her brother share a bond that may threaten my alliance to her. I wish he'd stop calling her 'Oasis.'
Mirage: (White House Intern, new pink buff around his leg.) It's so good so see Oasis here! When we went to get water, the first thing she wanted to do was include me in her alliance. Good thing: my alliance is on the other tribe, and who knows how long Megatron will keep them on there? (Shots of Starscream, Mishap and Mirage on the beach, and Starscream shaking his hand.) I don't trust them, but I'll see how far they'll take me before I go back to my original alliance.
DAY FIFTEEN
(Shots of a rabbit wandering around Decepticonniption's empty camp. Suddenly, the whole tribe is marching back from collecting firewood and singing 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.' Everyone has their buffs around their necks.)
Wheelie: (Student, new teal buff still around his neck.) Wheelie thinks this tribe is fun! He's starting to like everyone!
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
(Cameras swoop in on Jeff, and drums sound.)
Jeff: How are you getting along with your new tribes?
Transformers: (Shrugs) It's OK, I hate you Probst, I'm having fun, etc.
Jeff: I hope you don't miss your old tribemates, because today...you're playing coconut dodgeball. Each tribe has to throw coconuts at the other tribe in their turn. Anyone you hit is out. Then it's their turn. The last tribe standing wins immunity. (Jeff gestures to the G.I. Joe TM with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Any questions? (There are none.) Today, we have a special guest musicians: Steelworks! (Camera moves to two guys with steel drums, another guy with a bass guitar, and a drummer.) They will be providing the music as you throw.
Musician # 1: Any requests? (No answer.) OK. Guys, set 'Tough Crowd.' (Begins with the steeldrum classic 'Yellow Bird'.)
Jeff: Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go!
(Autobotopea is throwing first. The don't aim for anyone in particular, making their projectiles scattered. The coconuts are easily avoided.)
Starscream: This isn't working! We need a plan!
Megatron: I've got one: throw at him! (Coconut milk bursts all over Starscream as Steelworks begins their own nifty version of 'Smack My Bitch Up.')
Starscream: Eww! Avenge me!
Mishap: Riiight. Get Optimus Prime first!
(Optimus sees the coconuts coming for him and bends WAY back on his knee joints. To further spoof The Matrix, bullet-time photography is used. We see the coconuts swoosh by him, excepting the one that hits him on the kneecap.)
Jeff: Prime is out!
(Decepticonniption is next. They throw at Mishap, who jumps in the air (you guessed it), shoulders arched, legs bents, and kicks the coconuts away.)
Jeff: You can't do that! If you touch them, you are out! Autobotopea, go! (Turns to band.) Play something less likely to incite a movie spoof!
(Steelworks starts playing 'Lord, You Have Come to the Lakeshore.')
Jeff: NO HYMNS!
Musician #1: You give us no requests, we play what we want.
Jeff: No accents? What part of Jamaica are you guys from?
Musician #2: Seven Mile and Dequindre.
Mishap: You're from Detroit!
Musician #3: Yeah! Well, Maq's from Dearborn.
Drummer: Hey. (Waves stick.) Where are you from?
Mishap (A little uncomfortable.) A little farther north than that.
Musician #1: (The band looks knowingly at each other.) Rochester chick. This one's for you, honey! (They play 'Like a Virgin.')
Grimlock: ME GET MADONNA JOKE, BUT ME NOT CARE! (Hits Scrapper with a coconut.)
Jeff: Well I do! Forget what I said earlier! Play the 'Theme from Saturday Night Fever.' (The bass player really gets into it.)
Ironhide: This is the eynd, Grimlahk! (All throw their coconuts at him, but the music is distracting, so they throw them at random intervals. Grimlock avoids the first one by punching his fist in the air above him, the second by putting it on the opposite side of his waist, the third by turning, the fourth by quickly squatting, the fifth by doing a toe-touch, the others by moving his hips out of the way accordingly.)
Jeff: Oh brother. (Steelworks plays 'N 2 Gether Now.') Hey! That's cool! (Does a geeky dance.)
(Autobotopea takes on Rumble, who does a bunch of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon stuff and avoids being hit.)
Rumble: Hey! No fair! They have a cleaner side!
Shrapnel: (Who ate all the coconuts.) I didn't want anyone to trip, trip! Allow me to fix your side, side! (He gets bonked with a coconut.) Should have known, known!
(This continues until Decepticonniption has Megatron alone and Mirage and Soundwave for Autobotopea. Steelworks is playing 'P.I.M.P'.)
Soundwave: (Throws coconut at Megatron with Mirage.) Target impacted.
Megatron: Not so fast! (Holds up hand, coconuts stop mid-air.) I saw that movie, too. (Coconuts drop into the sand. He fakes a throw and gets Mirage.) Too easy. Now it's your turn.
Soundwave: Not fair! He's my leader!
Jeff: Throw the coconut, Gilligan! (Soundwave gives a half-hearted throw, misses Megatron, gets hit.) Decepticonniption wins immunity! (Steelworks plays 'We Are the Champions' and the Decepticonniptions Cabbage-Patch around the immunity idol.)
(Back at Autobotopea camp, negotiations are in full swing.)
Starscream: That obsolete tape deck ruined our chance! He's out of here!
Soundwave: (Host of TRL, pink buff wrapped around neck like Decepticonniptions.) Ejection, inevitable. Apathy, high. Miss tapes.
TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jeff: (Nods his head in greeting as the scary music plays.) Welcome, everyone. Have a seat. (They sit on giant wooden benches.) So, Shrapnel, how do you like your new team?
Shrapnel: No difference, difference.
Starscream: What! You traitor!
Jeff: Hush! I talk here, not you. You'd know that if you came to tribal council when you should have.
Motormaster: Do you have to keep bringing that up?
Jeff: All right, that's it! I'm calling Pat Sajak!
Others: NO!
Jeff: Then are you willing to co-operate? (They nod.) Good. Grimlock, you go vote first.
(Grimlock goes over to the voting table and spends a few moments writing. He holds his vote up to show a drawn tape player.)
Grimlock: SORRY, SOUNDWAVE. THE LESS OF YOU, THE BETTER CHANCE ME GRIMLOCK HAVE.
(Montage of scary music and voting, but no other votes are shown. Soundwave is last to go.)
Jeff: I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal counsel area immediately. I'll read the votes. First vote: "Starscream". Second vote: "Soundwave." "Soundwave." Two votes Soundwave, one vote Starscream. "Soundwave." "Soundwave." This must be Grimlock's. Can we all agree it's Soundwave? (They nod, except for Soundwave. His face remains expressionless.) Five votes Soundwave, one vote Starscream. Third Survivor to be voted off: (Shows vote.) "Soundwave." (Sad music plays. Soundwave grabs his torch. Jeff, who has been standing on a large platform, declares that the tribe has spoken and extinguishes Soundwave's torch.) The rest of you, get back to camp. Get to know your new tribemates. You never know when you'll need them.
(Music picks up)
NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:
Things get fowl.
Soundwave: (As Credits roll, we see everyone voting Soundwave off, except for Soundwave.) Tapes: returned. Relief. Win, Megatron!