If you have never seen a certain Mike Meyers/Dana Carvey movie, you will be hopelessly lost.

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on "Survivor:" BotCon falls apart before the first reward challenge. So do I. (Shots of Jeff screaming at four Transformers.) Sorry. A double immunity later, negotiations were in full swing. Unexpected twists occurred when during a tribal council different from all others, Starscream, Mirage, and Rumble were voted out. Can anyone survive the final five?

Author's note: Still the same beginning, but to help keep track, I will list the tribe as they stand now. All confessionals will be italicized.

BOTCON

Grimlock

Megatron

Motormaster

Scrapper

Shrapnel

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN

(A beautiful morning. Megatron is alone, swimming in the ocean. Scrapper and Motormaster are sitting by the fire. Grimlock is taking his chicken for a walk, and passes by Shrapnel, who's munching on the remains of his car.)

GRIMLOCK: ARE YOU SHRAPNEL READY TO TAKE ON MOTORMASTER AND SCRAPPER WITH ME GRIMLOCK?

Shrapnel: Yes, yes!

GRIMLOCK: HERE, LET SUPERPECKER SIT ON THE SEAT WHILE ME GRIMLOCK USE STRATEGERY.

Shrapnel: That chicken looks sick, sick! What if he honks in the car, car?

GRIMLOCK: ME GRIMLOCK GIVE YOU SHRAPNEL A NO-HONK GUARANTEE.

Shrapnel: OK, OK.

Megatron: (Psychology Professor, chartreuse and black houndstooth check buff worn like a headdress.) I regret losing my obvious alliance. This proves that my opponents are not as sheep-like as I had assumed. I will have to play this game different. Soon I will have the million barrels of Karbombian oil! Limitless possibilities with energon! It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

Motormaster: (Buff worn around left leg.) I have had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I would call a career or anything. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets.

Scrapper: (Buff worn around right leg.) Is that when you became a construction worker?

Motormaster: Yeah...(Watches Grimlock, buff around chicken, leave to talk to Shrapnel. Jerks his head in the direction of the Aztek.) To the mirth mobile. (Snickers.) Megatron is still a clear threat. I don't trust him. How do we know he's not playing us like he did the Autobots?

Scrapper: How do we know he doesn't trust us completely? We don't. We don't know ANYTHING. I still think he's a more sure bet for the final three. We need to come up with something...Wait! (Stands up excitedly. Music plays a fanfare.) No. (Sits.) I got it! (Stands up excitedly. Music plays a fanfare.) No. (Sits.)

Motormaster: (Whispers.) He's coming back. (Loudly.) I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored. (Megatron looks at them, shakes his head in bewilderment, and goes to get tree mail.) OK...first I'll access Grimlock to team up with us by us staging an elaborate prank to be revealed at a later time, involving his chicken...Then I'll ID the next council victim from Megatron and get his approximate position on who's next on his 'out' list. THEN I'll reposition a similar transgression on a 'remote bug' to see if Grimlock is as gullible as we think he is, and willing for an alliance, have him on our side!...It's almost too easy.

Scrapper: Are you some kind of mental? We need Megatron with us, not Grimlock!

Megatron: We have tree mail! (Waits for Grimlock and Shrapnel to come over.) "I, hate the rain and sunny weather. And I, hate the beach and mountains too. (and) I don't like a thing about the city, no, no. And I, I, I, hate the country side too! And I, hate everything about you!...everything about you!" Plagiarism at it's finest.

Scrapper: It doesn't really tell us much about the challenge.

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Shots zooming in to Jeff. He's smiling a fake smile.)

Jeff: Hi everybody!

Others: Hi Jeff.

Jeff: Today you are having an interesting reward challenge. (Shots zoom out to a wooden tower. It has a stairway, minus the steps itself, leading up to the top, where five treasure chests sit in a circle.) Somewhere around that tower, buried in the sand, are the wooden slats that you must use to build your stairway. Note that the pegs for each stairway are different. You will dig up stairs with circular holes, square holes, etc. Each hole needs a peg to fit. (Ignores snickering.) Once the stairway is built, you may walk up it to the platform. There you will unlock one of the many trunks and pull out the prize inside.

Megatron: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.

Jeff: The prize you pull out will determine the prize you win. It could be more energon, a trip somewhere exotic-

Scrapper: Such as?

Jeff: Like...New York. Or Texas. Or Hawaii. Or imagine being whisked away to...Delaware.

Motormaster: Delaware! T'cha. And monkeys will fly out of my aft!

Jeff: I was only kidding. A few things you need to know: The treasure chest you open is YOURS. You cannot change your mind after you open it. The first person up there gets an extra prize, to be revealed later. Survivors ready? (Raises his left arm. Switches to his right.) Go! (BotCon scrambles. They are digging all over the place.) Grimlock has an advantage as he digs, but Motormaster has found a step! He is running over to the stairway, and it's the...third step he's putting into place right now. Good job! Grimlock has found a step. It looks like the top step! NO! The stairs must be completed! Grimlock, you cannot jump up to the third piece to climb the stairway to treasure!

Grimlock: STAIRWAY! DENIED!

Jeff: Megatron has found the first step! Now here comes Scrapper with the second. Shrapnel is still having trouble digging for a step, perhaps he is in the wrong place...

Shrapnel: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat."

Jeff: What?

Shrapnel: Exactly, exactly.

Megatron: Probst! I have completed your stupid task!

Jeff: Megatron made it up first, the others are hurrying to get their treasure.

Megatron: (Holding up a wooden object.) What is this?

Jeff: It's a gun rack.

Megatron: A gun rack...a gun rack. I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do...with a gun rack?

Jeff: You don't like it, fine! You'll be sorry when you get back to your regular life, get your ion cannon back, and have nowhere to put it.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK GOT PHAT BLING BLING! (Holds up a diamond ring.)

Scrapper: NOBODY says that anymore!

Grimlock: YOU SCRAPPER JEALOUS! YOU SCRAPPER GOT A PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR TREASURE CHEST!

Scrapper: It's a recording contract with Aftermath records! I'm going to be a rap star! (Goes into wannabe thug mode.) All right stop! Collaborate and listen!

Motormaster: I got a pen. Whoops, I dropped my pen. (Motions for camera to follow him as he climbs down to get said pen. Camera does. Scrapper continues to rap. Megatron wishes for a gun now.) Don't you think it's weird they're giving out a contract as a prize? Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?

Shrapnel: I got two CD's. Led Zeppelin and...the Shitty Beatles, Beatles.

Megatron: The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?

Shrapnel: They suck, suck!

Megatron: Then it's not just a clever name.

Jeff: OK, get back down here with your prizes. Do you notice an interesting theme with them? (They say 'NO.') They are all prizes some would consider great, while others would be, as Megatron so elegantly expressed, completely wrong. They might be more appropriate for someone else. Which leads to the second part of this prize. Megatron, you were the first person up there. You get to decide who gets what reward.

Megatron: What's the catch?

Jeff: No catch. Decide it however you like.

Megatron: (To camera) Does this guy know how to party or what? (Looks at all the prizes, exchanges glances with robots, considers who to switch with.)

Motormaster: I want that ring, so I can propose to my girlfriend.

Megatron: Motormaster, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!

Shrapnel: I want that ring, ring! I HATE Led Zeppelin, Zeppelin!

Megatron: Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees. Would you prefer the contract?

Scrapper: Ex-squeeze me? Baking Powder? I want to keep my contract.

Megatron: Jeff, I have decided to allow my fellow tribemates to negotiate among themselves, and leave me out of this.

Jeff: I see. Go ahead, then, decide on your own. Hurry up. (They argue, plead, Grimlock yells, eventually they decide what they want.) Ready to know what the prizes REALLY are?

Others: Yeah, sure, I hate you Probst, etc.

Jeff: Grimlock: You have, I see, the two CDs. These are linked to a nice prize: A new CD player!

Grimlock: YEAH!

Jeff: Motormaster, I see you have the gun rack. This is for the prize of...c'mon out here! (Dead End comes out of the underbrush.) A day and a night with your loved one!

Motormaster: Hey buddy! (They high-five each other.)

Jeff: Bet you're kicking yourself now, aren't you Megatron? (Ducks a handful of sand thrown at him.) You, I see, have the pen. The pen is the symbol of something even mightier: You and whoever has the contract are going to the other side of this island for an overnight at a resort! You get to relax, restore any missing fluids, have some bodywork done, etc. Who has the contract?

Scrapper: I do. Zang!

Jeff: And last but certainly not least, Shrapnel. I don't know how you ended up with the diamond ring, but it will help you more than you thought. You...have immunity. (Shrapnel gasps.) So...keep the necklace you won yesterday, and when we play for immunity tomorrow, you are allowed to sit out!

Shrapnel: (Jumps up and down.) Yes, yes!

Jeff: So, Megatron, Scrapper, here's a map to the location; Motormaster, Dead End is going back to camp with you; Grimlock, your CD player will be presented to you before we all fly home; and Shrapnel...rest easy for now.

Shrapnel: Excellent, excellent.

(Shots of Megatron and Scrapper flying to resort, chanting "We got time off from Grimlock! We got time off from Grimlock!" They ooh and ah over the great amenities. Over and over again, they say, "Can you believe this?" as they get buffed, polished, repaired, etc.)

Scrapper: (Truck Driver, buff is nowhere to be seen because he's in a robe. He looks shiny and clean.) There was a CHEMICAL SHOWER! It was great! I'm glad we got to clean up. That salt water did terrible things to my gears.

Megatron: (Psychology Professor, also in a robe.) Scrapper used up all the hot chemicals. Bitch. After our showers there was this HUGE pile of energon cubes laid out for us on a table. We drank a lot of energon. It was nice to be able to consume mass quantities without having to worry about rationing.

Megatron: (Shots of them over-doing it on the energon.) Man, I had too much. It's so incredible...I think I'm gonna hurl.

Scrapper: (Holds up human-sized trash can between his fingers.) Hey Megs, if you're gonna spew, spew into this. (Both laugh hysterically.)

(Back to camp. All are around the fire.)

Grimlock: (Rocket Scientist. Buff is around him like a tube top.) ME GRIMLOCK LIKE DEAD END! HE TELL SCARIER STORIES THAN MOTORMASTER. HE LIKE SUPERPECKER, TOO.

Dead End: (The chicken is on his lap. He pets it occasionally.) I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder? (Grimlock and Shrapnel hug each other in fear.)

(Shots back to Megatron and Scrapper. Both are VERY over-energized.)

Megatron: I want you to go with me to the Final Two.

Scrapper: What about Motormaster?

Megatron: Rumble told me about your deal with him. Apparently your loyalty to Motormaster is steadfast.

Together: Not! (Laugh drunkenly.)

(Back to campfire. Motormaster, since both Grimlock and Shrapnel went to bed, is discussing his awareness of Megatron's threatening presence.)

Dead End: Yeah, I know how that feels.

Motormaster: Know what I'd like to do?

Dead End: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy, rip his still beating energon pump out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Motormaster: Actually, I was thinking of voting him off.

Dead End: (Shrugs.) Well, the world's a twisted place.

(Shots back to Megatron and Scrapper.)

Scrapper: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?

Megatron: No. (Cracks up laughing) No!

Scrapper: Neither did I. I was just asking.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

(Shots of Dead End being walked to the beach. Grimlock and Shrapnel follow Motormaster.)

Dead End: (Construction Worker. No buff.) You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Motormaster: (Watching the aircraft carrier from afar come closer, launching Jeff's gun boat.) It was great to have you here, End.

Dead End: Good luck, 'Mast. (They high five again. Dead End flies back to the aircraft carrier while Megatron and Scrapper return to camp. Sappy music plays.)

(Jeff arrives via gunboat and calls them all together.)

Jeff: Welcome back Scrapper, Megatron. (They nod.) I am here to drop these off. (Gestures to invisible hands depositing a giant box of stuff: costumes, a karioke machine, a vacuum cleaner, a guitar, etc. As with the coconuts, this all falls under the "Let's pretend they're the right size" school of thought.) Your immunity challenge is tomorrow. On the other side of the island, there is an orphanage that desperately needs money. For a fund-raiser, CBS has volunteered to put you guys in a talent show.

Scrapper: Shwing!

Motormaster: What is this, an episode of Road Rules? Since when do Survivors do talent shows?

Jeff: I'll admit, it's an unorthodox interpretation of an immunity challenge, but the writers are running out of ideas. (Stops and looks at camera.) So here's the challenge: You are to be in three events. Two or more of you may be on stage at a time, just make sure you are all on stage at least three times. It can be a skit, a stand-up routine, a song, anything you want-within the boundaries of good taste. You may only use your talent and the props provided. The individual with the best act wins immunity.

Megatron: Who will determine this, Probst?

Jeff: There will be a panel of judges. The first three people voted off are coming back for the honor.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SAY NO WAY!

Jeff: Way!

Scrapper: We're DEAD! The first two people voted off were Autobots!

Jeff: You are not necessarily doomed. Soundwave was the third person voted off.

Megatron: Excellent!

Jeff: Glad you're coming around. The aircraft carrier will pick you up tomorrow.

Shrapnel: Wait Jeff, Jeff! What about me, me?

Jeff: Oh yeah. You are to do the backstage stuff: lighting, sound cues, that kind of thing. See you tomorrow!

DAY TWENTY-NINE: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots of an outdoor auditorium. Jeff comes out from behind the curtain. Applause. Jeff holds his left arm up and switches to right to silence them.)

Jeff: Welcome! I am your emcee, Jeff Probst. Today we have a special treat for you! The participants of Survivor eagerly-(Behind the curtain someone snorts, "Not!")-volunteered to perform for you in a special talent show. Our panel of judges are here to make sure the best is rewarded. (Gestures to Soundwave, Cliffjumper, and Blurr, who stand up and wave from their judges' table, where Pepsi cups are prominently displayed.) They are looking for talent, originality, and audience reaction. Our first act is Megatron. (Motions for Megatron to come out.)

(Megatron comes out with a classical guitar and a chair. Without acknowledging the audience, he sits down, waits for Shrapnel to shine a spotlight on him, and begins wailing on 'Maleguena'.)

Blurr: (Impressed.) IthoughtIwastheonlyonewhocoulddothat!

(He plays it so fast and so well smoke comes off of the strings. When he finishes, the audience goes nuts. He salutes and walks backstage.)

Jeff: I thought he was just another pretty face. (No one laughs.)

(Backstage, Motormaster and Scrapper regard Megatron with awe. They fall to their knees.)

Motormaster and Scrapper: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We suck! WE SUCK!

Jeff: (Sticks his head backstage.) Suck later! Get out there! (Grimlock puts on his long blond wig and follows the other two out.)

Motormaster: Hey guys! I'm Mike, and this is Garth, and this is our internet show! Mike's World! Party time! Excellent! Whoo-hoo!

Grimlock: WHOO-HOO! PARTY ON, MIKE!

Motormaster: Party on, Garth! OK,

Grimlock: OK.

Motormaster: OK, today we have a guest, this is inventor and genius Scott, with his newest invention...

Scrapper: The Suckcut! I'd like to demonstrate. (He holds up a vacuum cleaner .)

Motormaster: OK, Garth, he's gonna put this on your melon.

Grimlock: JUST A LITTLE OFF THE TOP, OK? (Vacuum cleaner is on.) AUGH! TURN IT OFF, MAN! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE! AUGH! AUGH! AUGH!

Motormaster: Whoa! OK, Calm down! (Vacuum cleaner is turned off. Grimlock continues to gasp.) OK, Garth, listen to me! You're in a forest...with Heather Locklear. (Grimlock keeps gasping. Calms down.) Well, Scott, it certainly does SUCK! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery. NOT! (Laughs with Grimlock.)

(Backstage, Jeff is watching Megatron tune his guitar.)

Jeff: You have a lot of talent.

Megatron: That means a lot, coming from you.

(Scrapper, Motormaster, and Grimlock come backstage, giggling hysterically.)

Scrapper: They're all yours, Robert Plant.

(Megatron goes out and does 'Flight of the Bumblebee.' He gets a standing ovation.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK MUST GO AFTER THAT? AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN? AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY 'THAT'S OK! I DON'T MIND! I DON'T MIND!' WELL, I MIND! I MIND BIG TIME! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART IS? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!

Jeff: Is that true?

Grimlock: EXCEPT FOR READING PART.

Jeff: (Goes outside.) Next up is Grimlock and...his chicken.

Grimlock: SUPERPECKER!

Jeff: I'm not saying that!

(Grimlock comes out with his chicken perched on his shoulder.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK HAVE A SMART CHICKEN! SUPERPECKER GENIUS! HIS FIRST TRICK: (Puts chicken down.) SIT! (Superpecker roosts.) SPEAK!

Superpecker: Bukaw!

Grimlock: (Makes circular motion with his hand.) WALK AROUND THE STAGE! (She runs around the stage in a perfect circle.) JUMP UP TO ME GRIMLOCK'S HAND! (She does.) TAKE BOW! (Superpecker does, sweeping her wings out. The audience applauds. The judges smile.)

Jeff: (In front of the curtain.) You know, I love chickens. Especially with honey mustard sauce! (No one laughs. He sighs.) OK, Motormaster, Scrapper, do your thing!

(Music starts. Motormaster emerges with a microphone and Grimlock's wig.)

Motormaster: They say we're young, and we don't know...won't find out untiiiiil we grow.

Scrapper: (With Lennon sunglasses.) Well I don't know, if all that's true...'cause you got me, and baby I got you...

Together: Babe. I got you babe!

(Song finishes, and they get mild applause. Jeff comes out.)

Jeff: Wasn't that fun? You know, I can sing...

Audience: Boo!

Jeff: Fine! Ingrates! Before our judges make a decision, I present to you our finale. Go ahead, guys.

(All five of them come out, including Shrapnel. Scrapper and Sharapnel are wearing dresses. Motormaster and Megatron have flannel shirts. Grimlock has a white flamenco shirt on with the chest half buttoned open.)

BotCon: Is this the reeeeeeal life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide...no escape from reality.

(They do cheesy interpretive dance moves that would make that group that did the Fatboy Slim video blush. Megatron and Motormaster each lift Shrapnel and Scrapper like ballerinas while Grimlock steps forward to sing the first verse.)

Grimlock: MOMMA. JUST KILLED A MAN...

(Jeff is laughing so hard he has to run off camera before he wets himself. The judges are hiding their heads or shaking with laughter. The show goes on.)

Megatron: I see a little silhouetto of a mech-

Shrapnel and Scrapper: Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will he do the Fandango?

All: THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING, VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!

Shrapnel: Galileo!

Motormaster: Galileo!

Scrapper: Galileo!

Megatron: Galileo!

All: Galileo Figueroa. Magnifico –oh-oh-oh.

Motormaster: I'm just poor boy and nobody loves me.

Others: HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY, SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!

(Fast forward to the guitar solo, in which they are all head banging and/or slam dancing in a frenzy that frightens the judges, culminating to Grimlock landing on their table, crushing their prominently displayed Pepsi cups.)

Grimlock: (Dripping wet, shirt ruined.) ME GRIMLOCK SORRY.

(End of the song. Scrapper is alone as others "oooh" off the stage.)

Scrapper: Nothing really matters, anyone can see...nothing really matters. Nothing really matters, to meeeee. (As the piano plays, the guys come back and boost him dramatically into the air as he lifts his arms to heaven.) Anyway the wind blows. (Symbol crash.)

(Audience goes nuts. All five bow. Jeff comes up to the stage, still laughing.)

Jeff: That was fantastic! Let's give them all another hand! (More applause.) Foreman, have you reached a verdict?

Cliffjumper: We have, your honor. We award immunity to Megatron.

Megatron: Schwing! (He gets the necklace consisting of computer chip key chains coming together to show toy Bumblebee/Cliffjumper flanking a GI JoeTM as the focal point. The audience "ooohs.")

Jeff: Please, it's not a holy relic. I will see you all at tribal council.

DAY THIRTY: TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: Hi guys. Have a seat. (They sit down.) I would just like to say, that that was an amazing talent show. (They smile.) How on earth did you get Megatron to participate in that final number?

Scrapper: What do you mean? It was his idea.

Jeff: Onto other things. From now on, all people voted off are a part of the jury who will decide which of the final two gets the million barrels of oil. They cannot say anything, only listen. Optimus Prime, Starscream, Rumble, Mirage, come in! (All walk in, looking refreshed and freshly waxed, not to mention clean-shaven. Starscream is scowling.) You guys missed a good challenge. Anyway, let's get this over with. Motormaster: what kind of negotiations went on today?

Motormaster: Well Jeff, there wasn't a lot of time to negotiate, but my friend and I have faith in the alliances we've made. (Looks furtively at Megatron.)

Jeff: Good. Megatron, Shrapnel, you have the immunity necklaces. Do you wish to give them to anyone else?

Megatron and Shrapnel: No, no.

Jeff: Good call. That means all of you but Megatron and Shrapnel are fair game. I want those necklaces back before you leave. Megatron, you go first. (Music gets scary for the montage. No one's vote is shown, except for Scrapper's vote for Grimlock.)

Scrapper: You were a lot of fun, but it's your time to go.

Jeff: (Watches Scrapper sit down.) I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. (Opens paper.) First vote: "Grimlock."

Grimlock: WHAT!

Jeff: Calm down, it may be your only vote. Second vote: Motormaster. One vote Grimlock, one vote Motormaster. Third vote: Grimlock. Fourth vote: Motormaster. Both are tied with two votes. (Unfolds paper.) Eleventh survivor to be voted off, fifth member of the jury: "Motormaster." (Motormaster hugs a shocked Scrapper goodbye, and nods ominously to Grimlock and Megatron. Mirage and Optimus Prime elbow each other, Mirage grinning. Starscream smirks.) Motormaster, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch flame. Motormaster waves them all good-bye and walks out.)

Jeff: This is a sad ending. No Scooby-Doo ending, no supermegahappy ending. Head back to camp.

(Music picks up.)

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR:

Final four already! There will be sap. There will be crying. Can't wait!

Motormaster: (Shows Grimlock, Megatron, and Shrapnel voting Motormaster off.) That's all the time we have for my existence on our show. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the show's emotional attachments to the subject matter. Never mind, I just hope you didn't think it sucked.