A/N: Hi, all. While on a super-extended vacation from my other fanfics (don't worry, Constant Readers, I'm starting them back up once school lets out!) I decided to tackle something a bit easier to write, but harder tomake funny (if that makes any sense...) I present to you Satire of the Lambs, a loving parody of one of my most favorite movies. It will be less manic than my other movie parody... but I guess this is due to the source material... Ah well, Bon apetit!
Rated for: Mild language, Dr. Chilton...
DISCLAIMER: Silence of the Lambs... not mine. Hannibal Lecter... not mine (oh, if only). The "Sexual Tension Meter" IS mine, though... no touchy!
Chapter One: Clarice Goes to the Nuthouse
(FBI trainee Clarice Starling is running an obstacle course. Run, Clarice, run! This is an example of the blatant feminism that will be shoved down the audience's throat throughout this entire movie.)
Audience: (rolls eyes) Great…
Clarice: (huff puff) Female empowerment… female empowerment…
Audience: Ummm, you go girl...
(Clarice is now hurrying through the halls of Quantico. She spots her token black friend, Ardelia Mapp, whose role has been greatly reduced from the book.)
Ardelia: Yo, girlfriend! Wassup? (high five)
Clarice: (out of breath) Can't talk. Crawford needs me.
Ardelia: No prob. Catch you on the flipside, gurl!
Audience: That was random…
(Now Jack Crawford is debriefing Miss Starling on her newest assignment. The Sexual Tension Meter is set to "we're just friendly co-workers, really")
Crawford: Hey, Starling? You know Buffalo Bill?
Clarice: The cowboy or the killer whose been skinnin' fat girls?
Crawford: The killer…
Clarice: Sure do. So are we close to nailin' him?
Crawford: Hahahaha… you're funny, Starling…
Clarice: It was a serious question, sir.
Crawford: (ahem) No. So do you know Hannibal "the Cannibal" Lecter? (cue ominous music)
Clarice: The dude with the elephants or the dude who eats people?
Crawford: Who do you think?
Clarice: But sir, Lecter was put in the loony bin eight years ago… what does he have to do with anything?
Crawford: We've been making a psychological profile… interviewing serial killers and such… it'll be real handy in unsolved cases… (cough)Buffalo Bill(cough).
Clarice: Oh god, don't tell me the FBI is so inept it needs help from crazymen…
Crawford: I'm soooo not dignifying that with a response…
Clarice: So you were sayin'?
Crawford: Well, Lecter refuses to help… and we really, really want his two cents…
Clarice: So you want me to talk to him?
Crawford: Yes.
Clarice: Because I'm a woman?
Crawford: Basically.
Clarice: Ooh… when can I start workin' my feminine wiles?
Crawford: (hands Clarice a huge ass folder labeled "Lecter, Hannibal") As soon as possible. Be careful. Don't let the cannibals bite!
Audience: Literally…
(Now Clarice is at the Baltimore State Nuthouse for the Criminally Loony, talking to one Dr. Fredrick Chilton, who kinda looks like George W. Bush with brown hair...)
Chilton: That Lecter is one crazy, psycho, S.O.B. He's a monster, too.
Clarice: (looks around uncomfortably)
(the Sexual Tension Meter rises to "hornee basturd want sexeh ladee now")
Chilton: You're hot. Whatcha doing tonight? Cause I could show you a good time… (winkwinknudgenudge) (pleading) C'mon, I'm really desperate…
Clarice: Umm… I have things to do… crazies to talk to, reports to file… so no. Not in a million years.
(the Sexual Tension Meter rapidly falls to "wouldn't touch you with a 10 ft pole, you greasy, chauvinistic pig")
Chilton: I see… (mutters) Bitch. (smiles at Clarice) Well, come with me, then.
Clarice: Anything to keep you from staring at me like a piece of sexy meat.
(Chilton shows Clarice around)
Chilton: Blah blah blah blah blah…
Audience: Does this man ever shut up!
Chilton: He's, like, waaay sophisticated. Plus, he hates me.
Clarice: I don't blame him.
Chilton: (pretends not to hear) Rule one with Lecter: Stay away from the glass. Rule two: STAY AWAY FROM THE GLASS. Rule three: Paper, not plastic. Rule four: No sharp and/or pointy things. Understand?
Clarice: Gotcha.
Chilton: Awhile back he ate a nurse's tongue and eyeball. Look, here's a picture!
Clarice: (completely unfazed) Oh. How horrible. And totally unnessessary.
Chilton: Well, here we are.
Clarice: Ummm… shouldn't you, like, not go with me? Since you're his enemy and all…
Chilton: (sigh) I could have saved sooo much time and energy…
Clarice: Ah, but then I wouldn't have had anyone to talk to on the way down. And you're such great company…
Chilton: Awww, shucks. (blushes and leaves)
Clarice: (chuckling) Strike one for estrogen… dumbass.
A/N: Hah! You didn't think I'd give you the Good Doctor on the first chapter, did you? So... what'd you think? Is it funny? Should I continue? Please review! I have Lecter plushies! (complete with sixth finger, THE mask, and The Joy of Cooking) You know you want him!
SmileVampy