A/N: Hey all! Sorry for the wait... but don't worry, this chapter's funny... I think. Maybe... aw, hell, if it's got the Good Doctor in it, it's gotta be good.. right? RIGHT? And Lecter plushies go to LucifersMaster, Lecterclaricelover, dreadlockedpencil, Siren Duveil, and anonymous peeps Agent V and Herself. I lub you all, and I could just eat you up "...but that, my dear children, would be cannibalism, which is frowned upon in most societies." Heh. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... couldn't resist. Well, bon appetit!

DISCLAIMER: Hannibal Lecter, and all books, movies, and breakfast cereals associated with him are not mine.

Rated for: Language, innuedo, general sexyness, and Miggs.. who likes to wrestle one-eyed snakes.

Chapter Two: Clarice is Not One for Following Orders (except those issued by Dr. Lecter, of course)

(Clarice is led into a room, where the camera does a complete 360)

Clarice: Ooh, dizzy...

(She is greeted by a large, black orderly)

Barney: (waves) Hi, I'm Barney.

Audience: That's... unfortunate.

Barney: 'Member now, STAY AWAY FROM THE GLASS. Oh, and keep to the right, too. Got that?

Clarice: Yessir.

Barney: I'll be watching (points to a TV screen) to make sure nothing goes wrong. Although if he decides to eat one of your arms, we probably won't get there in time to save it.

Clarice: That's... comfortin'.

(Barney presses the button that releases the door to a corridor. Clarice takes a deep breath and starts to walk down it.)

Crazy #1: Moohahahah...

Crazy #2: (plots revenge silently)

Miggs: (climbing on the bars of his cell) I smell yer girly parts! (hiss)

Clarice: Ick. You offend my inner feminist.

(She reahes the last cell, which has a glass barrier.)

Audience: (sarcastically) Hmm, wonder who this could be...

(It's Hannibal Lecter. Cue hoard of crazee Lecterphiles)

Lecterphiles: OMG! Hanny is teh hawtness!

Audience: (facepalm) Crap.

Lecter: (to Clarice) How do you do?

Lecterphiles: Teh British hawtness!

Clarice: Uhhh... (thinking) OMG, he spoke! (to Lecter) My name is Clarice... Sterling, or somethin'... yeah, uh, can we talk?

Lecter: Crawford's crony, eh? (shrugs) Qualifications?

Clarice: I, um... yeah. (opens wallet to show I.D.)

Lecter: Closer... (licks lips)

Lecterphiles: (SWOON)

(With blatant disregard for both Chilton and Barney's instructions, Clarice does NOT STAY AWAY FROM THE GLASS)

Lecter: Closer, baby...

(Clarice obeys like a good little girl)

Clarice: (thinking) Must not fall under spell... must not fall victim to testosterone-pumped, dominatin' male... female empowerment, female em-

(Lecter walks up to the glass, revealing to everyone his gorgeous blue eyes that hardly ever blink)

Clarice: -Aw, screw it.

(Sexual Tension Meter instantly rises to "Be still, my throbbing loins...")

Audience: Hey, where's his sixth finger? He had one in the books...

Lecterphiles: ...There are BOOKS?

Lecter: (looking at I.D.) You're not an actual G-girl.

Clarice: No, I'm still a student.

Lecter: (huffy) Crawford's giving me a trainee? I am ever so offended.

Clarice: Well, he picked me 'cause he said I'm a girl well suited to your tastes... (winkwink)

Lecter: Right you are. Tastiest little piece of meat I've seen in eight years... I mean this in the most literal fashion.

Clarice: O.o

Lecter: Sit.

(Clarice obeys)

Lecter: So tell me Clarice... what'd Miggs say?

Clarice: He said "I smell yer girly parts!"

Lecter: Ah. I see... I, unfortunately, possess not of this skill. (sniffs airholes) I can smell your skin cream... and the perfume you're not wearing. Oh, and you had a Sausage McMuffin with a small hazelnut coffee for breakfast. Hold the cream and sugar.

Clarice: (in shock)

Lecterphiles: Smell us, Hanny! Smell US!

(awkward silence)

Clarice: Uhh... (points to a drawing of a building in Lecter's cell) Hey, that's pretty neat.

Lecter: Thanks. It's the Duomo in Florence, seen from the... BELVEDERE! Hint hint!

Clarice: Who da what now?

Lecter: (sigh) Never mind.

Clarice: So, umm... you wanna do this questionaire thingy?

Audience: Gee, that was sneaky.

Lecter: You just had to ruin it, didn't you, Clarice? We had a good thing going, but you had to go on and ruin it.

Clarice: (thinking) Damn, he's good. I'm goona have to go to "Plan B" (unbuttons the first three buttons of her blouse) There we go.

Lecter: Why do they call him Buffalo Breast- err... Bill, Clarice?

Clarice: (smirking) Somethin' to do with a really bad cowboy joke.

Lecter: Why does he do it, Clarice?

Clarice: Hell if I know. (shrugs) Probably gets off on it. Most crazies do.

Lecter: I didn't.

Clarice: You ate 'em. Same difference.

(Lecter silently mulls this over. Sexual Tension Meter climbs to: "I wouldn't mind eating you, Agent Starling...")

Lecter: (defeated, raises an eyebrow) Might I see this questionnaire? Send it through.

(Clarice obeys)

Lecter: (flipping through it) This is rather blunt... (reading) "Do you think the things you did were wrong? Did you ever gain sexual gratification from killing one of your victims? Do you consider yourself to be a crazy ass mo' fo?" (to Clarice) I'm more complicated than this, Agent Starling...

Lecterphiles: Yeah, how dar u undurmine sexeh Hanny's intelliginse! (shake angry fists of rage)

Clarice: Of course you are! I just thought, you know... since your knowledge is so vast and all...

Lecter: Buttering me up will get you nowhere.

Clarice: Sorry.

Lecter: You want to know what you are? (imitating Clarice) Yer nuthin' but a well-groomed, white-trash hick!

Clarice: I also have daddy issues!

Lecter: (shrugs) I figured that was redundant.

Clarice: (is, like. totally pissed) Hey, why don't you step back and take a look at yourself? Unless you're afraid to. Are we a fraidy cat, Dr. Lecter?

Audience: BURN!

Lecter: ...I eat people's livers! (slurpslurpslurpslurpslurp!)

Clarice: (is, like, seriously freaked) You're crazy.

Lecter: You know it, baby. (pause) You run along now... I'm beginning to tire of our conversation.

Clarice: Uhh... okay. (Clarice obeys)

(With further disregard to Barney's instructions, Clarice strays to the left)

Miggs: (in bed) I bit my wrist... cus I'm crazy!

Clarice: Wha-?

Miggs: Just kidding! Here, catch! (flings his man juices at Clarice)

Clarice: (clawing at her hair) Eww! OMG gross!

Miggs: Ooh-ooh-aah-aah-aah! (jumps up and down, like a monkey)

(All hell breaks loose)

Crazy #1: Miggs, you dumbass! Now we won't be able to ogle at her anymore cause she won't want to come back!

Crazy #2: Urhuhunhuruh... (He concurs)

Lecter: Agent Starling! Get your ass over here!

Clarice: (obeys) What is it, Doctor Lecter?

Lecter: That was terribly rude of him.

Clarice: (presses herself against the glass) Really? Y'think so?

(Sexual Tension Meter: If this invisible barrier wasn't separating our sexy, lust-filled bodies, we'd jump each other in a heartbeat)

Lecter: Yes. Rudeness is disgusting.

Clarice: So will you be polite and take the test?

Lecter: Yeah... no. But I will help you get what you really love...

Clarice: (pawing at the glass) You?

Lecter: Ummm. Advancement?

Clarice: Oh yeah, that too!

Lecter: (ahem) Your self. Miss Mofet.

Clarice: Huh?

Lecter: Go, before Miggs starts whacking off again.

Clarice: (doesn't move an inch)

Lecter: GO NOW!

Lecterphiles: Ooh, liek so forceful!

(Clarice obeys)

Lecter: Heh. Strike one for testosterone...

A/N: Was it any good? What do you think of the Lecterphiles? Your inpupt is much appreciated so... Review review review! (bribes you with Lecter plushies)

SmileVampy