Consequence Free
I was listening to this song the other day, and I thought how perfect it was for Kara's life. It could have been written with her in mind. So I wrote a fic to it. The song is by Great Big Sea - one of my favourite bands.
ooooooooooooooo
Wouldn't it be great if no one ever got offended
And wouldn't it be great to say what's really on your mind
I've always said all the rules are made for bending
And if I let my hair down, would that be such a crime?
She wished things were different.
"Are you always such a bitch in the morning?"
"Count on it."
It had been so nice to be able to let her hair down (literally too!) and just be. She could just be herself with him - no pressure, no expectations, no broken rules, no worries about facing him at work later. She didn't even have to act feminine in order to attract him - he was attracted to her just the way she was.
And that was something unusual. Most, if not all of the men she knew found her intimidating and only showed interest when she backed down. Anders didn't. He stood up to her - showed her they were equals, and that he could keep up with her no matter what she did. And she found it intensely sensual.
"Everyone on Caprica is dead."
"You're not."
"I just got here."
And she wished she didn't have to leave. So she promised to come back for him.
I wanna be consequence free
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter
I wanna be consequence free
I could really use to lose my Catholic conscience
'Cause I'm getting sick of feeling guilty all the time
And I won't abuse it, yeah I've got the best intentions
For a little anarchy but not the hurting kind
She wished things were different.
"Zack was my brother."
"What was he to me? Nothing?"
Hardly. Zack had been her life and breath - her heart and soul. He'd been everything to her and she'd killed him. The guilt of that weighed on her heavily. Always had and always would. Lee knew she was still hurting, especially after the deck accident that killed her friends. It brought back memories of Zack like it had only happened yesterday, and drove her tortured soul even further into depression. Lee knew she was upset, but even he, who could read her so well, had no idea of the depths of her despair.
"This isn't about them, is it? It's about Zack."
"Why? Why are you telling me this now?"
"It's the end of the world Lee, I thought I should confess my sins."
I wanna be consequence free
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter
I wanna be consequence free
I couldn't sleep at all last night
'Cause I had so much on my mind
I'd like to leave it all behind
But you know it's not that easy
She wished things were different.
"One day some metal motherfrakker is going to catch us on a bad day, and just blow us away."
That metal motherfrakker and his buddies had already killed so many people she'd lost count. (Not like you're in any shape to count anyway.) She was losing her grip on reality. The alcohol was the reason people assumed, but in reality it was a symptom, not the underlying cause. There was only so much guilt one human being could handle, and she was way past quota. Every time the news came in that Scar had blown another one away, it chipped away at the frail thread that bound her to reality.
The alcohol helped. Gave her at least a few blessed moments of forgetfulness. Of forgetting that she'd killed the man she'd loved and planned to spend her life with. Forgetting all the people she'd trained and then sent out to their deaths. Forgetting that no matter how strong her feelings for Lee were, she had to deny them. They could never be together, no matter how strong the pull was.
"Which is why we have to take what we can, right now."
But the one thing she wanted most was the one thing she couldn't have.
Wouldn't it be great if the band just never ended
We could stay out late and we would never hear last call
We wouldn't need to worry about approval or permission
We could slip off the edge and never worry about the fall
I wanna be consequence free
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter
I wanna be consequence free
She wished things were different.
"There is nothing here. Do you get that? Nothing!"
But that was a flat-out lie and they both knew it. His 'sure' as he walked past her wasn't even remotely convincing. But even after wounding him the way she did, he still gave her an out - a way to explain what was going on.
She'd lied to him again, well not really lied, just omitted to tell him all of the truth. Yes, Anders had been on her mind constantly of late, but she wasn't entirely sure whether it was guilt about breaking her promise or whether she really did care for him.
Lee was one hundred percent right when he called her on it though - she did have trouble dealing with the live ones - him in particular. The moment she'd slapped him, she'd regretted it. She knew she wasn't able to say sorry at that moment, but she hoped the kiss would assuage some of the pain she'd caused.
"Starbuck. Are you okay?"
Such care and concern in his voice. Tears stung her eyes - after all she'd done to hurt him, he still cared. Well, that was who he was. And why she loved him.
She wished there was a way they could be together. She wished all that held them apart would just vanish. She wished things could be different. But they couldn't.
I wanna be consequence free
I wanna be where nothing needs to matter
I wanna be consequence free
Fin