A/N: Hey, sorry for the 6-month wait (grins sheepishly)... writer's block and school, you know. Can you ever forgive me? Anyway, Satire of the Lambs is back. See Clarice cry! See Clarice search for clues! See Clarice have an appalling lack of nursery rhyme knowlege! Lecter plushies go out to protest.riot, Quite Silent, Flash Bandita, Squirrelly Rath, Kathryn M.B. Denson, starling, anonymoose, and Shale 101, the newest reviewers.
As for Readmylips!, sorry that you "fund it" offensive and think I am degrading Mr. Harris and Mr. Demme's work... but I am writing this parody not for laughs (albeit they are a nice bonus), but because I love Silence of the Lambs... it is one of my most favorite movies. This lowly parody is but a tribute, an appreciation, if you will. Rest assured, readers.. I will never, never write a parody on a movie I do not like. Ever.
Glad I got that off my chest...
Rated for: Language, naughty thoughts
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Lecter and all related persons are not my brilliant brainchildren. The obscure pop culture things refered to within belong to their respective owners (read: not me)
Chapter Three: Clarice Gets Ahead in Life
(Clarice hauls ass out of the Baltimore Loony Bin)
Clarice: Whoa. That was freaky. Freaky enough to initiate a flashback sequence, that is.
(Cue flashback)
(Prepubescent Clarice sneaks up on her Southern-fried father, who's a cop)
Mr. Starling: Howdy, Clarice.
Prepubescent Clarice: I wuv yoo, Daddy! (jumps into his arms)
Mr. Starling: Aw, shucks... I love you too, dumplin'!
(Sexual Tension Meter: Eww... you psychoanalytical pervs! Y'all been hangin' around Dr. Lecter too long... an Oedipus complex this is not!)
Prepubescent Clarice: Y'catch any baddies, Daddy?
Mr. Starling: Naw, not today... but I figure they'll get me soon enough...
Prepubescent Clarice: Whatcha say, Daddy?
Mr. Starling: Nuthin' pumpkin...
(End flashback)
Clarice: OMG so sad... (sobs uncontrolably)
Audience: So... what was the whole point of this scene?
Director Jonathan Demme: To show Clarice's inner turmoil, of course!
Audience: Riiiiight...
(Cue Montage. Author's Note: This scene is ten times funnier if you have the "Montage Song" from Team America stuck in your head...)
(Clarice, runs, jumps, and makes julienne fries)
Clarice: (being all kinds of awesome) Feminine power, w00t!
(In the next bit, Clarice attempts to hold up "criminals" in a simulation thing... while listening to "Electric Slide" on her new iPod.)
Clarice: (singing) Ev'rybody-clap-yo-hands!
"Criminals:"...?
Clarice: Uh... Everybody FREEZE!
Some Instructor: You didn't check your blind spot!
Clarice: Huh?
Some Instructor: Bang bang... simulated death by foreshadowing!
Clarice: Damn it.
(Clarice sits at a desk and looks at old newspaper articles featuring Hannibal Lecter)
Clarice: I'm totally not obsessed with him or nuthin'... just doin' a standard research proceedure.
(Sexual Tension Meter rises to: I lie... He is the hottest thing since Jesus created the Internet.)
Audience: Uh-huh...
(Clarice reads a snippet on how the Good Doctor cooked some dude and served him to some musicians)
Clarice: (chuckling) Dr. Lecter, you sly devil...
(A random Lecterphile pops in disguised as a nerdy girl)
Lecterphile: Ms. Starling? Telephone.
Clarice: (jumps) Ooh, thankies! (runs off)
(Lecterphile goes all shifty-eyed)
Lecterphile: (whistling innocently, hops onto Clarice's chair and reads articles) Oh baby oh baby oh baby... (drool)
(Clarice picks up the phone)
Clarice: ...Hello?
Crawford: Hey, Clarice... you'll never guess what happened today!
Clarice: Oh, did you find Buffalo Bill?
Crawford: Starling, you crack me up. No, Miggs is dead.
Clarice: OMGWTF!
Crawford: My sentiments exactly.
Clarice: But... how?
Crawford: Dr. Lecter was whispering to him all afternoon, making him cry. Next thing the orderlies knew, Miggs had swallowed his tongue. Tough break, huh?
Clarice: (pretends to be sad) I-I-I don't know how to feel...
Crawford: You don't feel... FBI, remember? Now, what do you have on Lecter's leads?
Clarice: "Miss Mofet" didn't bring up much, although we did find a restaurant in the Bronx called "Curds and Whey."
Crawford: (sigh) That's Little Miss Muffet, you 'tard. Anything on "yourself"?
Clarice: At first glance, it seems like jus' a lame pun... but I checked out a few places in Baltimore, and it turns out to be an even lamer pun than I thought. "Your Self Storage."
(pause)
Crawford: Wow. That is pretty lame.
Clarice: You're tellin' me.
(longer pause)
Crawford: What are you waiting for? Get a move on, missy!
Clarice: You're makin' me go alone? Can't you get someone to come with?
Crawford: What, and waste one of my good men? Fat chance; this is women's work.
Clarice: (mumblegrumble)
(Grudgingly, Clarice goes to Your Self Storage, where she is led to Unit 31 by the owner, an itty-bitty Jewish man)
Little Jewish Man: Oy, for ten years this thing has been leased to a Hester Mofet.
Clarice: (thinking) Hmmm... an assumed name utilizin' both literary and nursery rhyme allusions? Brilliance. (out loud) So no one's been in here since 1980?
Little Jewish Man: Beats me. My customers enjoy their privacy. Oy, you should see some of the freaky things they do in these storage units!
Clarice: (struggling to lift door) I can only imagine... Hey, wouldn't it be awkward if I busted in on somethin' freaky right now?
Little Jewish Man: (nodding) Yes. Yes it would. (watches Clarice struggle)
Clarice: Um, a little help here, perhaps?
Little Jewish Man: Ah, of course. Silly me. (bends down, puts his hands on the latch right on top of Clarice's hands)
(Sexual Tension Meter: Ooh, is the rest of you just as wrinkly? ...What? She does like older men...)
Audience: (eye roll)
(Clarice and the Little Jewish Man fail miserably at trying to jostle the door open)
Clarice: (fed up) Gosh darn it!
Little Jewish Man: We could come back tomorrow. My handsome accountant son is very good at prying things open...
Clarice: (thinking) Hmmm... Jewish accountant... (out loud) No... this can't wait... (points to guy in car) How bout him?
Little Jewish Man: Hah, my driver? He is a fat, lazy bastard!
Driver: Damn straight, missy.
Clarice: Crap. I'll be right back...
(Clarice not only owns a carjack, but knows how to use it too. Feminine power at its finest.)
Little Jewish Man: (in awe)
(Clarice manages to get the door, like, a whole foot off the ground)
Clarice: (lays down) Hey, if this door falls down on top of me, or I'm trapped, or eaten alive by rats... (laughs nervously) This is my card. (hands Little Jewish Man a card)
Little Jewish Man: (takes card, reads it) Baltimore FBI! The things I get myself into!
Clarice: Call them if anything goes wrong.
Little Jewish Man: (shrugs) Maybe.
(Clarice shimmies under the door, and cuts her leg on a rusty thingamagig)
Clarice: Ah! Son of a Sam! Dammit!
Audience: We take it the blood is symbolic for...?
Director Jonathan Demme: Uh, actually, its just blood.
(Cue ominous music)
Little Jewish Man: (singing outside) If I were a rich man... biddy biddy biddy biddy biddy bum!
Clarice: Oh how foreboding.
(Clarice finally enters the Cobwebby Storage Lair of Spoooooky Knickknacks. Seriously. There's, like, a stuffed owl, a dusty piano, two full racks of armless manequins, and something that looks vaguely like an alligator. And in the middle of everything, the most spooky thing of all... A gigantic who-knows-what covered up by a very loud American flag. Very patriotic.)
Clarice: Huh... seems purdy outta place... better go check it out.
(She does. Ripping the flag away, she finds... a car. Who'da thunk?)
Clarice: Curiouser and curiouser... Well, I've come this far... might as well go inside.
(As soon as she gets in the car, there is a THUD as the storage unit door falls down)
Clarice: Ugh, it figures.
(Searching around, Clarice finds a scrapbook, a headless mannequin in a flamboyant furry dress, and something covered by a cloth)
Clarice: (sigh) Puh-leeze. Again with the coverings? Nothing can surprise me now... (lifts cloth)
Head-in-a-Jar: Boo.
Clarice: Eeeeeeeeeeee!
To be continued...
A/N: How was it? Still as good as the first two chapters? (prods you with Lecter plushie) Review and send me some feedback! Hopefully chapter four won't take nearly as long... Dr. Lecter will be making another appearance. Till next time, mes amis!
SmileVampy