Chapter Twelve:
Into the Darkness
I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't even think.
My shorts are buzzing.
Cell phone, people. Somewhere along the line, it must have gotten switched to vibrate…
"Saved by the bell," Beth says, "Unless there's something I really ought to know about, there Cowboy."
I manage a laugh – barely. "Just – don't go anywhere ok?" I say as I'm fishing the phone out of my short's pocket. I know who it is – I'm happy to hear from him – although this is a little sooner than I'd expected – and his timing is really fucked up… I flip the phone open and press it to my ear, answering with my usual, "Sands here."
"Jeff – Milo – we need to talk."
"I kinda figured that out all on my own, Sugar Butt."
"I'm serious. I'll just coming up to the house now – meet on the veranda. Alone."
"Roger and wilko that." I flip the phone shut. Shit. This cannot be good.
"Something the matter?" Beth asks.
"Yeah – I think so." Damn. Did I really hear her say what I think I heard her say? "But ah – it can wait."
"You sure?"
"Yeah – well – I guess that depends. You – you want me to kiss you?"
"It'd be nice. But – you don't have to."
I really wish I could see her – I wish I could be sure – I think she's smiling – I – think I'd just like to see those green eyes of hers.
"Sorry – I didn't mean to –"
"No – no – I'd – like that - to kiss you, I mean," I manage to pry the words out of my throat. I really don't think I'm breathing… Do you remember your first kiss? I remember mine…. I remember closing my eyes because that's what you're supposed to do… now… now I wish I could open them again, just once more…
I feel Beth slide a little closer – and then there's a hand resting on the back of my neck – she guides me forward so very gently (almost as if she's afraid she might break me… and… she just might.) Sweet, feather-soft lips brush against mine… her tongue teases at my lips – and – I yield to her touch… But my mind won't stop churning – I have nothing to give her – nothing she could possibly want… why is she doing this…? I'm afraid to breathe – afraid to do anything that might stop her from doing what she's doing to me… afraid to do anything that might hurt her... God, if I'm dreaming, I don't ever want to wake up… Very gently, I cup her face in my hands...
Her tongue plays with mine, coaxes it into her mouth – plays with it… I feel her fingers twine into my hair, drawing me futher in… what I wouldn't give to be able make love to every inch of her right where we stand (not that I really think my body would be able to… but I'd sure love to try.)
And I know that Milo is on the veranda by now. Waiting to talk to me. Alone…
It's with almost painful reluctance, that I pull back – my whole mouth is on fire with her… "I – need to – go see – what Milo –"
"You call Milo 'Sugar Butt'?"
"It's – a long story." Shit. Have I mentioned that I have a big mouth?
"I see," she replies… still, I'm very sure I hear a grin in her voice… and she leans up and gives my cheek one last kiss before I head off towards the kitchen… still trying to figure out… oh Hell, there's not enough blood left in the head above my shoulders to form a single coherent though.
I approach the backdoor slowly, straining for any noise… nothing seems amiss. I crack the door open just a smidgeon – someone rises – I hear the wicker creak slightly with their movement.
"Milo?" I ask before opening the door any further – one hand rests on the gun I've still got tucked into that shoulder holster.
"Right here," he tells me.
I ease my hand back out of my shirt and step outside – I close the door behind me. "Why do have the feeling you don't have good news," I light up a cigarette, straining to hear – anything… but nothing greets my ears except the sounds I've come to expect from Beth's garden.
"I ran a background check on your girl," he tells me – there's a little – trepidation, I think – in his voice.
"And?"
"She's wanted by the feds."
"What?" My little angel…
"Relax – the husband's accused her of kidnapping the girl – he's suing for divorce in her absence and trying to get full custody of their daughter. The judge that signed the first arrest warrant, in their home town, just happens to have the same last name as the husband's mother."
No wonder she ran. However… "Somehow I don't think that's what has your panties in a bunch, Sweet-stuff." Although it certainly is good to know I've just been swapping spit with a wanted woman…
"There's also a warrant out for your arrest."
"What? Where? And what the Hell for?"
"Something about your involvement in an attempted coup."
"Fucking fabulous," that damned mariachi…
"Jeff – it's not just the Mexicans who want you. The DOJ is interested in your recent activities down here as well."
"Why? It's fucking nuts down here – sometimes people die." I'm pacing – not a real easy thing to do when you can't see a God damned thing.
"That's not quite the problem. It seems no one's heard from you in over a month."
"Ah – no. I told you yesterday, that rat-bastard Collins hung up on me. It was the fucking first of November – which wasn't more than two weeks ago – and you'll have to excuse me for not checking in since then – getting shot aside, I've had every reason to believe I've been set up!" My temper is getting away from me… "Besides, I placed a call for a new line less than fifteen minutes after Collins fucking hung up on me."
"That's the good news."
"That's good news?"
"The main office has verified that you requested a new line."
"Swell. So just what does that mean?"
"It means that there's at least one hole in Collins' story."
"And that story would be?" Oh this I fucking gotta hear… I'm still pacing.
"Collins' story is that your last check-in was October thirteenth. At that time you told him about Barillo hiring Marquez to overthrow the president – and you made a quote – a cryptic remark – about restoring the balance – then hung up."
"Bull hockey."
Milo just keep going – just as well, I'm half in my own little world by now…
"At which point Collins sent in an officer named Valverde to bring you in. You killed him."
"I did not!"
"Jeff – Valverde was a real officer – and he's really dead. No witnesses – but the bullet is the same caliber as one of the guns Collins says you carried. And frankly – it's too small to be real popular down here."
"Fuck. When – where?"
"Day of the Dead – lower east side of town."
Lower east side… "Fuck me! That was the fucker tailing after – " For the first time in days, my stomach does it's flip-flop thing again.
"Easy," Milo's hands on my shoulders steady me. "After – ?"
"That was the fucker shadowing me after my little doctor's appointment – you know, the one where I had my eyeballs drilled out. I thought he was one of Barillo's goons – I didn't know if he was going to kill me because Barillo really didn't intend to let me live – or if he was just supposed to make sure I didn't go and do something stupid, like – oh, I don't know – try to stop Barillo from overthrowing the government. Which in and of itself wasn't such a bad thing – it was just the whole concept of Marquez actually taking power that didn't sit too well with the boys back home. I was doing my job. And it was Collins who set up my meet with that little rat who got my inside guy inside." How the Hell can Collins be saying he hasn't heard from me in almost a God damned month?
Milo puts my butt into a chair. "Jeff – no one back home was interested in seeing the Mexican president removed from power."
Those words are like ice water hitting me in the face – or maybe a good swift kick in the balls.
"Presidente Corazon is about to sign a new drug treaty with the U.S. – and rumour has it, he was going to hand Barillo over the DEA, despite a couple of little technicalities in the extradition treaty."
"No. I got a direct communication from Collins. The guys back home wanted Corazon out – he was getting in the way of the DEA. He was – too good – too concerned with the civil rights of his people, everybody, even the God damn criminals. He wanted to the cartels shut down – but he wasn't willing to sacrifice a little integrity to do it. I was told that he should be sent off to that last sweet good-night in the sky." Collins' own words, in fact…
"No, Jeff. I've seen Dan Collins' report. Everything that happened on the Day of the Dead was you – you and your obsession for balance. You saw someone you thought was too good – you decided even out the scales by murdering him – albeit indirectly. You set it up – the whole thing."
I don't believe this… Rod Serling is hiding in the garden somewhere, right?
"Collins says you knew about Ajedrez Cardenas all along. You know she was Barillo's daughter – and that didn't stop you from screwing her – that didn't stop you from planning to run off with her – without any plans to ever come back. And – that is tantamount to treason."
"Fuck me," I breathe – at least, I think I'm breathing. I haven't just been burned – I've been buried alive. "This is not happening."
"I'm sorry. But it is."
"Please – tell me you don't believe this load of shit." I don't know why I care – but – it suddenly really matters to me that at least one person believes me when I say I didn't sell out – not to Barillo, not to anyone. I have never, ever been a traitor. "For Christ's sake, Milo – you've seen for yourself what Barillo did to me!" I pull the glasses off anyway, just to remind him - just in case he somehow managed to forget. I'm not just blind. Barillo mutilated me...I wonder if he's turned away so he doesn't have to look at what's become of my face.
"If I believed Collins' report, do you honestly think I'd be sitting here talking to you, now?" Milo asks.
"I don't know – are you sitting here so you can convince me to turn myself in, nice and quiet like?"
"Right – like you know how to do anything quietly."
It isn't exactly a denial, but I know Milo. He's not like me – he doesn't play word games. I slide the glasses back into place… I just feel too damned exposed when they're off… "How did this happen?" I mutter - although I'm speaking aloud, I'm really talking to myself. "Who wants Corazon removed from power – and why use me to do it?" Fuck me... fuck me but good with a God damned chain saw and skip the lube.
"You were an easy mark," Milo tells me – as if I didn't already know it. "You get so caught up in your own machinations – and let's face it –"
"Yeah. I know. Don't bother fucking saying it." With my track record – how hard was it really to convince the DOJ that I'd gone rogue, turned traitor? Lost my God damned marbles… And now – now I have to get out of here before a real shit storm rains down on Beth. That's why Milo told me about the federal warrant. If they find me – they find her. She could loose Cicily to that creep of a husband.
"Look – there are a couple of ways we can play this. You can turn yourself in – I didn't say you should," he says quickly, as I open my mouth to tell him where to shove that dandy little idea. "I'm just laying out the options.".
"I know what my fucking options are," I snarl back at him. "Turn myself in. Go on the run. Or – try to sort this mess out on my own somehow. Clear my 'good name'."
"You're not on your own."
"Milo – while I appreciate the information you've kindly provided on the current fucked up situation, this thing will do more than just end your career. So – you just toddle on back to California – enjoy your vacation – and work on your tan. You always were too pasty."
"Jeff: You. And me. And six guys pounding the crap out of me."
"That wasn't a career ending rescue. And it had nothing to do with you anyway. I didn't even like you."
"I know."
"So – why would you go out on a limb for me now?"
"For one thing – not everyone in this world is like you. And for another, sixteen years ago you had the power to either help me – or walk away. Regardless of the reason – you helped me. I – may – have the power to help you now. If you're willing to accept the help."
"How? I mean – no offence – but this – this is a little fucking bigger than I'd thought. I just figured I'd been left with my dick flapping in the wind – burned, but not – not buried fucking alive." Truth is, boys and girls, I know I'm not going to walk away from this – not unless I come up with some real brilliant scheme real fucking fast… and at the moment, I'm not having any brilliant ideas. All I know is that I can't stay here. I can't lead the feds to Beth and Cicily…
"Jeff – listen to me. I have a friend at the DOJ. But – I need to be able to trust you with this – because – it could come back to bite me in the ass. Hard."
"You can't trust anybody with anything, Milo, haven't you learned that by now?" I light up another cigarette – I don't even remember what happened to my last one… can't trust anybody. Especially not a guy like me.
"Jeff, I'm serious."
"So am I. Just – thanks for the help – but get lost. Get lost before this mess I've made destroys you too."
"Marlina Eddas."
"Fuck me. Talk about your friends in high places." But then – he has to have someone in his life to balance out his – friendship? – with a fuckmook like me.
Marlina Eddas is the head of the Intelligence Policy and Review Office – the guys who more or less over see us. Kinda. See, we're considered a "client agency" – but really what happens is that these guys let the Attorney General know when we've forgotten to dot our T's and cross our I's... Or is it the other way around…? I always forget… All I really know is that Eddas answers directly to the Deputy Attorney General, who is himself just one step down from the Big Cheese, Attorney General Greg Byers, a guy whose idea of roughing it is having his gold plated toilet over flow. He's never had to live in a shit hole like this – he's never seen the inside of an Eastern European prison cell – he has no idea what guys like me and Milo go through to keep guys like him safe inside their secure little world… but he's always trying to tell us how to do our jobs. Fuck him. Fuck them all.
"Are you listening to me?" Milo asks.
Right. Milo. He was probably talking. "Not really."
With an exasperate sigh, he repeats: "After I realized just how deep you were in your own shit – I made a call. If you can get Marlina Eddas solid evidence that you've been set up – she'll back you. Full immunity across the board – as long as you play ball with her. That means full co-operation. No stunts – no – hot dog maneuvers. You play ball and you behave."
"But I didn't do anything!"
"This time."
"Oh. Right. Why?" Why did he bother – why would Marlina Eddas bother… she hates guys like me.
"Because this has to go higher up than Dan Collins – or even Rebecca Suarez. But – you've gotta understand that it would piss off more than just couple of guys back home –"
"If they found out you were hobnobbing with the lady who keeps butting her nose into CIA affairs? No shit."
"So?"
So what choice do I have? If my shit starts raining down here… I don't want to think of Cicily in Neal's custody… and in my current state, I'm not so sure I could quietly sneak into some backwater town, waste the fucker, and sneak out again – not if I end up on some top ten most wanted list. Small town sheriffs live for shit like that – don't usually care if they bring 'em in dead or alive. And right this very moment, I'm rather partial to staying alive… "Sure. What the Hell do I have to lose, right? Count me in." I want to see Suarez and Collins flapping in the breeze – or at least I'd like to hear about it… after all, I really am never going to see another damn thing… not for the rest of my life. And some fuckers at the DOJ actually think I was somehow working with Barillo? I need a drink.
"Jeff – I – hate to add onto this –"
"Oh, what now?"
"Your sister's been trying to reach you for the last three months."
"What? Why?"
"I have no idea what it's about," he tells me, "I just – when I went snooping around, I found out that she's been calling almost every week for the last three months. I know the message got as far as Collins – but I – hazarded a guess that it didn't get to you."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck and more fuck. And not the good kind, either. "I'll kill him."
"You can't kill him."
"I'll kill him."
"Jeff – you can't kill him. For once in your life you have to play nice and do things by the book."
"Fine. I'll wait until he's been convicted. Then I'll kill him."
Silence.
"What – you don't think I would – or you don't think I could?"
"I know perfectly well that you would and could – but I'd like you to remember that this is my neck on the here line too. I had to do some fast talking to get Marlina to even consider cutting you a little slack – if you hadn't made that call for another line, she never would have believed me that you were being used – or that you hadn't gone rogue. And - to be honest - she's still not quite convinced. You cannot fuck around this time, Jeff."
I sigh and put out my cigarette - what little was left of it, anyway. I want to kill Collins. I'd like to strangle him with a phone cord - you know, poetic justice... but I owe Milo too much... He's done more than put his neck out for me on this–he may well have saved my life. "I guess I owe Collins for something – if he hadn't hung up on me – I wouldn't've been worried about my line being compromised. I suppose for that I can let him live – as long as it's with his dick flapping in the wind."
"All we have to do is come up with evidence that you had instructions to take out the president – and then you just have to play nice long enough for Marlina to get her convictions – and frankly, I expect theformer to be easier than the latter. I know you."
I laugh – yeah, that he does. "How come you're so tight with this woman, anyway? I know you're not screwing her."
He laughs about the same way Beth did when I asked her if she'd gone and hung out with the technologically impaired. "Jesus – Jeff – believe it or not, every relationship isn't forged in the bedroom. I've been working with Marlina to – clean things up a little."
"Wait – you're ratting on us rats?"
"I'm not saying some of what we do in the field isn't necessary – but – there have to limits. There have to be lines that just don't get crossed – or pretty soon the system is so corrupt – it just doesn't work any more."
"I always did think you were too good to be one of us. Don't worry – your secret is safe with me," I tell him. "It's not like the Company has exactly had my back lately."
"Do you need any help getting packed – it's safer if we leave while it's still dark."
Yeah… yeah it is. "I – could probably use a hand. Where are we off to?" Because I know he's not going to march me into Washington – not unless he's really setting me up – but this would be a Hell of an elaborate ruse for a guy like Milo. Other than accepting a little well earned pay off, he really is a straight shooter – er – well, you know what I mean.
"I've booked us a room at your favourite little island resort."
"Aw fuck."
"You know – if you keep propositioning me like that, I might just have to take you up on it."
I just shake my head and laugh…
…Beth is in the living room when we come in – she's playing her harp.
"Wow," Milo says quietly in my ear, "She's good."
"Yeah. You know where the bedroom is – I'll – just be a minute –" and I curse myself because – he's going to say something smart assed, I just know it…
"Take your time."
Swell. Milo is just bound and determined to screw up my perception of the universe…
I listen to him head down the hall – I lean up against the doorframe until Beth stops. "That was amazing."
"A not so old Irish song about a woman who's lover goes off to sea – only she never sees him again. She spends her whole life waiting – and a hundred years later, her spirit is still waiting – but even his ghost doesn't come home to her."
"That's so – depressing."
"Most Irish ballads are."
I make my way across the room to where she's sitting – she's on the sofa, probably stretched out – so I take the chair next to her. And – I realize I can't quite formulate what I want to say. This should be easy, right? – so long and thanks for all the fish.
"You're leaving tonight." Beth finally breaks the silence for me – and it isn't even a question. I guess she must have had one of her gut feelings...
"Yeah – and – just when things were getting interesting – " I smirk – defense mechanism.
"Well – it's not like – you could stay here forever, right?"
Apparently, her defense mechanism is trying to be cavalier. Her tone, however, gives her away. Still…
"Yeah. Not like I could stay forever. Look – Beth – Milo – did some – checking," Great, I don't even know how to tell her Milo ran a background check… "I want you to watch your back, ok?"
"I'll be fine."
"It's not just – the stuff that went down November second. There's a federal warrant out for your arrest – your husband," I explain.
"I see. Well – I shouldn't be too surprised. Neal's family is pretty well connected."
"Yeah – I kinda got that idea."
"We'll be ok, Sheldon – but – thanks for the head's up – and no, it doesn't bug me that he ran a background check on me. I'm glad he did it."
"You are?"
"Yeah. Maybe – you'll finally realize you can trust someone."
"Look – Beth – "
She reaches over and brushes her fingers against my lips, "Shhhh. There's nothing more to say. Just – tell me you'll take care of yourself – and – you know – if you're ever in my neck of the woods and you need a doctor –"
"Yeah. Yeah – I'll – I'll – look you up – so to speak. I – I should go – help Milo pack my stuff – or he might just decide to leave half my wardrobe here in disgust."
She chuckles lightly – I'm just standing when her hand catches my arm – it feels like she stands up with me. "Would you – do me one more favour?" Beth asks.
"Sure – anything."
"Please don't leave without telling Cicily good bye."
"Beth – I – don't want to – I mean – it's the middle of the night," my brain is scrambling to come up with any excuse to not have to – face a seven year old. Why is that such a terrifying prospect?
"She'll be more upset if you don't say good bye. Please – don't hurt her, Sheldon. She's awfully attached to you."
I – just stand there. I don't know what to say.
"Who do you think helped me take care of you? Who do you think reminded me to eat when all I could do was worry about you getting enough food and liquid into you, after loosing so much blood?"
"I guess – I never thought about it. I owe you both."
"You don't owe me anything – all I'm asking is that – you don't hurt my daughter by sneaking off in the middle of the night without a good bye."
Sneaking off… yeah, I guess I am sneaking off… "Beth – I have to go. It's a lot worse than I'd thought back home – a lot worse – and – if they come here looking for me – and find you – with a federal warrant – "
"I know. And – it's not like I thought you'd be around forever."
Yeah. I'm not the kind of guy who hangs around. I have my fun – get my kicks – and then I leave. That's my M.O. I'm an asshole.
I reach out for her hand – and at least she doesn't avoid my touch. I wrap my hands around hers – she's so – warm. Her hands are so strong – she might be a little bit broken – but she's strong too. I just – hold her hand trying to figure out what it is I want to say. "I'm sorry," is the best I can come up with; I don't even know what I'm sorry about – I just brush her knuckles up against my lips.
"There's nothing to be sorry for, Cowboy. You – are who you are. You – have to do what you have to do."
"I'll come back. I want to finish what we started in the hallway – I want to –" I want to know to know if I'm the world's biggest fuckmook – or if – there's really something going on here…
"Please don't. I've had enough empty promises in my life."
"I know."
"What – does that mean?"
"It means I know. Ok?"
She hesitates for an awfully long time before I get a rather quiet, kind of uncertain sounding Ok out of her.
"Ok," I echo. I press my lips to hers… it's just as nice as the last time...damn, what I wouldn't give for a few more hours… but the sooner I'm out of her, the safer she'll be...
…I make my way to Cicily's room – Beth offers to come with me – but – I really think I should do this alone. I'm a grown man, I can face a seven year old. I think.
I remember the way to her bed – although I mis-judge the distance – I know if I'd brought that damned cane… but I didn't. My pride really won't let me rely on it, no matter how much I know I need it… just the same, I manage to sit down on the edge of the bed without falling down – and the movement wakes Cicily.
"Senor Sands?" she queries – I feel her moving – probably rolling over or rubbing her eyes.
"Hey there."
"Is something the matter?"
"No – no, not really. But – I'm leaving – and – I wanted to say good bye to you."
"Leaving – now?" Her voice is filled with the sort of odd mix of emotions one might expect… and that I just don't know how to handle.
"Yeah – you remember my friend, Senor Givens?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well – he's back and – we need to go home."
"But – we haven't finished Peter Pan."
"I know – but – I have to go now. Senor Givens is waiting for me."
Suddenly there are arms bein thrust around my waist – after a moment's worth of collecting my wits Iwrap my arms around her and I pull her close. "I'll come back if I can," I say, "And – if I do then we can finish Peter Pan. I just can't make any promises, because I have to go very far away."
I feel – well, my best guess is that it's a nod. I hope that's better than her shaking her head… Cicily releases me – I feel her shuffle around on the bed – and then something is thrust into my lap. "What's this?"
"Peter Pan. This way you can finish it even if you don't come back." So – matter of fact…
"Sweetheart – I can't read this – I can't see. That part is never going to get any better."
"Well – maybe your daughter can read it to you – can you remember where we left off?"
Talk about your proverbial ton of bricks – but – there's no way to make a seven year old understand all the very grown up, very complicated reasons why my daughter will never be able to read the end of this to me… "I remember. You – should try to get back to sleep, now – you have school in the morning."
"I'm glad you were with us – at least for a little while."
"Yeah – me too," I give her a parting kiss on the top of the head – it just – seems like the thing to do… and I think I really am going to miss the squirt…
By the time I've said good bye to Cicily, Milo has my stuff together – he swears on pain of death that he has not left behind a single tacky t-shirt. I'm not quite sure I believe him but… what the Hell, there are tourist traps on Eros Island – and where there are tourist traps, there are tacky more t-shirts.
I say my final good bye to Beth at the garden gate, "Thank you – for everything."
"De nada, Cowboy. Just – take care of yourself."
"I'll do my best. AndI um – I left you something in the bedroom."
"Oh?"
"I'm not much of a romantic – but – you promise me – you'll shoot first and ask questions later, ok?"
"Sheldon –"
I pull her hands up into mine, "Promise me."
"I promise – now go – Milo's waiting."
"All right. Take care of yourself – both of you."
"We'll be ok. We always are."
Yeah. I can believe that.
I slide into the passenger seat without a word to Milo– and thankfully he's not in a talkative mood either. Turning in the direction I remember Beth standing, press my fingers to my lips and wave into the darkness.
My Baretta is sitting on her nightstand, with enough ammo to last a good long time.
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Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
Why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me
So don't tell me I
haven't been good to you
Don't tell me I
haven't been there for you
Just tell me why
nothing is good enough
Hey little girl would you like some candy,
your momma said that it's o.k.,
The door is open come on outside,
no I can't come out today,
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground,
Who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone,
You know I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this
So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you,
Don't tell me why
he's never been there for you,
And I'll tell you that why
is simply not good enough,
So just let me try
and I will be good to you
Just let me try
and I will be there for you,
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough
Sarah McLachlan
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and in the role of
Marlina Eddas... Alberta Watson (La Femme Nikita - tv series - Hackers - the movie)