Disclaimer: The characters and world of Hogwarts, even the obscure ones like Orla Quirke, belong to Jo. And Valentine's Day belongs to whatever arse made that one up.
Summary: Valentines suffocate Harry. Draco is doing something suspicious in the bathroom. A cherub attacks Ginny. Neville is fawned over. & Why is their mistletoe in the hallway? Just a regular Valentine's for Hogwarts.
Warning: There is a bit of sexual innuendo, cursing, and something that possibly resembles slash, as well as many instances of randomness, and plot hole or two. Straight-laced folks, be warned. Mind you, this is a parody: an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect. I'm not actually serious.
No valentines, chocolates, punching bags, cherubs, hotcakes (pancakes), squids, mistletoe, Ginny's, or pink were harmed in the making of this story.
Have a lovely day of love.
V-Day: A Valentine's Day at HogwartsHarry knew he was in for it the moment he awoke with shiny fuchsia paper covering his eyes. He shook his head to rid his gaze of the disgusting pinkness, only to have it replaced with a large, glaringly red, heart-shaped box. Attempting to sit up, he found that he was covered is similarly decorated cards, hearts, and boxes. His left earlobe was being jabbed by some odd combination of the three.
"Bugger," he grumbled and shoved the piles off of him. He stretched and leaned against a huge mountain of frilly, pink notes. A few sported curly 'H's. Harry then did what any intelligent teenage boy would do. He grasped his glasses, nudged them on, and opened the first box he saw. His emerald green eyes were met with an assortment of decadent chocolates that screamed, sugar overload! Naturally, he picked up a particularly sugary looking truffle and gingerly took a bite.
He spat it out at once, "Shit!" he yelled under his breath. "Coconut," he mumbled, not wanting to wake his dorm mates. Dean was particularly grumpy when woken unnecessarily. He bit into another. Cherry. Ew. The next was amaretto. More ew. He quit after spitting out the next five. Tossing the box aside, he reached for a frilly pink card, disturbing a ruffled-looking pygmy puff that dazzled a vibrant vermilion. Harry set the growling bit of fluff on his bedside table and began reading the frilly card:
To Harry:
You may not know me, but I know you. My heart stops when you walk into the room. I think about you all the time. Your deep blazing eyes, your tousled raven hair… I think about you when I wake up, when I go to sleep. And when the morning post comes and when I eat my eggs. When I'm doodling in history of magic, when I'm writing essays for potions. I think about you when I'm in the shower and I'm–
Harry chose to stop there. The notes continued on in this vein, ranging from passionate declarations of love, or more like infatuation, to the painfully simple: U R 2 Cool 4 Words. When he stumbled upon a few Be my Valentine's among the We are soulmates's, he fell back, hitting his head on the headboard. Today was Valentine's Day.
Let's face it. Valentine's is a low-ranking holiday. It's right down there with Thanksgiving. Think about it. I mean, it oozes pink for godsake! And while unwanted valentines may be flattering to some, they were downright obnoxious to Harry.
The boy yawned, sighed, and dug his way out of bed. He made a mental note to have a little talk with the house elves about the inconvenient placing of Valentine's gifts. He pulled on his invisibility cloak for a special trip down to the prefects' bathroom, stooping as the cloak barely brushed the floor when he stood now. He felt he would need a nice bath by the end of the day, he might as well take it now.
Harry stopped at the entrance of the bathroom and pulled an Extendable Ear out of his pocket. He shuddered at the thought of barging in on someone like Malfoy.
A low moaning noise was coming in through the Ear. Accompanied by a strange thumping. Harry's bottle green eyes widened in shock as he heard Draco Malfoy's voice.
"Oh, yes. Yes! That's it! Ye-es…" Draco groaned. As disturbed as Harry was, he was too fascinated to pull away.
The thumping continued as Draco's volume rose. "Yes! Damnit! Uh huh… that's it Potter! Oh, Harry!"
Harry nearly passed out. That was it; he couldn't take it any more. He screamed the password, "Squeaky clean!" and dashed into the bathroom. He came upon a nervous looking Draco, clothed in a towel and hiding his hands behind his back.
"What the fuck were you doing Malfoy!" Harry roared. Draco's eyes grew even wider and darted around, looking for something to rest on. Then Harry remembered.
"Oh drat, the cloak," he muttered and threw off said cloak. He continued in a stony voice, "Were you doing what I think you were doing?"
It took Draco a moment to collect himself before he spat out an oily reply. "And what, may I ask, would that be?" He smiled coolly.
"Oh, you know," Harry glared meaningfully, his eyes trailing down to Draco's crotch.
"Ew, Potter, no!" Draco shuddered, his coolness momentarily forgotten. "Urgh… no…" Draco had begun to twitch.
"Then what the hell were you doing, Malfoy?" Harry raised his dark eyebrows at the twitching Draco.
Draco recovered from his bout of twitching and sighed uncharacteristically. "Well, if you must know," he glanced at a punching bag that Harry hadn't seen, "I was practicing my kickboxing." He raised his hands to reveal slender black kickboxing gloves.
"My name…?" Harry questioned. Draco looked at the punching bag again and Harry saw that an image of his face was emblazoned on the bag. "Ooooh," Harry whistled in realization.
"Erm…" Draco looked chagrined. "Can we forget about this?"
"Yes, please, of course," Harry replied hastily, "That would be for the best."
"Well then," Draco had recovered the gleam of malice in his eye, "Out, Potter."
ooo
Breakfast was a solemn affair, despite the bright pink great hall dappled with hearts and adorned with Valentine's banners, and the armed, fleshy cherubs floating about. Harry scooted his heart-shaped hotcakes around in raspberry syrup, drinking his pumpkin juice halfheartedly. Ron gazed longingly at Hermione. Hermione was engaged in conversation with Ginny, something about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Ginny was nodding vaguely and staring at Harry. Harry looked up and saw that she had an odd expression on her face and was bulging her eyes at him. He grinned quizzically at her and listened to Hermione.
"And then she said, 'Well, contrary to popular belie–'"
"So, did you get any valentines, Hermione?" Harry interjected.
"Well," Hermione blushed, her earlier train of thought forgotten, "A few."
"Loads," Ginny said at the same time.
"Not loads…" Hermione insisted. "But quite a few."
"From who?" Harry coaxed.
"Well," Hermione hesitated.
"Ernie Macmillan sent her some chocolates," Ginny hastily supplied, "She got some from McLaggen, that sweet, little second year Euan Abercrombie, that puny Slytherin fellow, Graham Pritchard, Kevin Whitby, loads of Ravenclaws…" she counted with her fingers.
"Ginny…" Hermione pleaded.
"She even got some from the ladies," Ginny ignored Hermione's blush, "and from a secret admirer. Two, actually. But the second looked suspiciously like Malfoy's handwriting." Ginny grinned, "The other was so sweet though, wasn't it?" she looked over at Ron for some reason. "And–"
"Damnit Ginny!" Hermione yelled. Several heads peered in her direction at the sudden outburst.
Ginny looked chagrinned and tried to recover her composure by asking Harry politely about his valentines.
"Oh, none really." He lied.
"Oh, really?" Ginny raised her eyebrows. "'Cuz you're really popular with the girls, you know. I always overhear Orla Quirke giggling over you in the lav. And Myrtle is quite fond of you. I don't blame them." Ginny smiled shyly.
Harry thought he had spotted a damp pink envelope among his pile, but shook the thought out of his head. "You don't?" Harry asked tentatively.
"You are quite the catch. Good-looking. And you're intelligent, and sweet. Any girl would die for you. Unlike me. All I have to my name is a ratty shock of orange hair and a particularly good bat bogey hex." She replied quietly.
"Ginny," Harry cooed, "you are gorgeous. And clever, and funny, and…" his voice faded and he was suddenly very aware of his hand, which was inching closer to Ginny's. They were both completely unaware of Hermione, and the young Ravenclaw girl whispering heatedly to a particularly chubby cherub.
"Oh, Harry." Ginny purred, "I–"
Her reply was cut short by a shockingly magenta arrow. The culprit, a meaty cherub, squeaked and dashed away. Harry looked gently at Ginny and saw that the arrow was stuck majestically in her chest.
"Ack! Help! Someone get Madame Pomfrey!" Harry cried. He snatched two unsuspecting cherubs and forced them to dangle Ginny between them and follow Harry to the hospital room. They dashed off, Harry wailing at the cherubs to hurry up.
When the commotion had died down, everyone turned back to his or her Valentine's themed breakfast. Neville was being fed hotcakes dripping in syrup by two buxom Gryffindor girls. A third girl was refilling his goblet of pumpkin juice.
"So, Neville, what did you say about the Giant Squid?" the tall, slender blue-eyed girl with long, flowing, dark locks murmured seductively.
"Well, that time I dived into the lake to save Harry Potter from certain doom, I encountered the squid, you know," Neville grinned.
"Oooh, you're so brave," cooed the petite redhead. Neville blushed, and she giggled. Murmurs of "Awww, cute," circled the group.
"So I tried to defend myself against the squid, but her skin is tough and she's very powerful. When I was about to cast my final defense, she just gurgled a bit and squiggled away. She knew that it wasn't worth fighting me."
The girls sighed dreamily.
Neville continued, "You know, that squid is a very misunderstood creature. If we could all get along, things would be so much better."
"Ooo, Nevy. You're so kind." The blonde pouring his drink bubbled.
"And handsome," the dark girl sighed.
"And so kind to animals." The redhead pointed out.
The three girls sighed dreamily again, gazing starry-eyed at Neville. Neville's grin could barely fit on his face.
ooo
After breakfast, the groaning and murmur of people getting up and leaving resounded throughout the Great Hall. Ron and Hermione pushed through the crowd and made their way to Charms, their first class of the day. Suddenly Ron stopped, and Hermione looked questioningly at him.
"Erm… Ron?" she asked nervously.
"Mistletoe." He replied simply.
"Mistletoe?" Hermione asked incredulously. "C'mon, Ron. What are you on about? Christmas was ages ago."
"Look up."
And sure enough, there was a spindly bunch of mistletoe dangling from the ceiling. "What the hell?" Hermione gaped.
"Yeah," Ron said vaguely, moving in to kiss her.
"Ron," she warned shakily, "I don't think it counts if it's not the holidays any more…"
"It's tradition." Ron stated matter-of-factly. He moved closer. She moved closer. They closed their eyes and gravitated towards each other. Ron felt something bump against him and then soft lips met his and his hand slid gingerly around Hermione's back. He pressed forward eagerly and heard a soft groan. Opening his eyes, he shrieked. Draco Malfoy was in his arms, looking flabbergasted. Hermione was shoved a few inches away, looking put out, yet intrigued. Draco had bumped into the two and been intercepted into the kiss.
"Wha–wha…eh? Hmm… erm… urgle?" Ron was struggled for breath and words. Malfoy was speechless.
A small crowd had gathered, mostly comprised of girls and a fair amount of guys, and they were cheering. A gaggle of girls were giggling like crazy, and a few guys were smiling happily at the display. Ron then noticed his arm was still around Malfoy, and their faces were still inches apart. Letting go, Ron blushed and shuffled his feet nervously. Malfoy brushed off his robes and regained his air of confidence.
"Well, I was just passing through when you were so rudely in my way, but I'll take your public display of affection as an apology." Malfoy hissed coolly.
Ron's ears were crimson and he mumbled, "Sorry."
The crowd sighed, "Awww…" Hermione's eyes were popping out of their sockets and she looked much more fascinated than ticked off.
Ron scuttled off to Charms before anyone could say anything else, blushing like mad and muttering under his breath.
"Sad thing is," Malfoy said unexpectedly. "That was the best ruddy kiss I've ever had."
Needless to say, all of Hogwarts went to bed that night with something on their mind.
And the Giant Squid gurgled happily as discarded valentines bobbed around in the murky lake.