Illyria:
Writing in the first person is incredibly challenging (how's that for a politically correct way to say "pain in the ass" ? ;) Originally I was just going to get a better feel for Sands by writing a few warm up pages in the first person before getting to work on the story, but as you can see, the warm up became the story ;)
Really, though, I feel like I owe Robert Rodriguez for creating a character like Sands who lends himself so well to being written in the first person – although I will very happily take your compliments (you made my morning!) (And I really don't think Sands would be the Sands we all know and love if any other actor had played him, but maybe that's just me…)
…………………………………………………………..
Chapter Twenty Nine:
Cracks in the Glass…
…
"You can't just withdraw Emma from school, Mr. Sands," Harrison tells me. "It simply doesn't work that way."
This guy obviously has no idea who he's dealing with… "Just watch me – assuming you can see, that is." I smirk in his direction, "Being somewhat sight impaired myself, I have no way of knowing – "
"Sheldon, be reasonable," that, of course, is Alison. "This is a good school. You just have to get her to stay in class."
Harrison makes a rude sounding noise.
We have established who I am – I half expected Alison to pull some kind of stunt, but she confirmed my identity and the fact that I've been out of the country and out of touch. And Harry over there was at least bright enough not to ask a lot of questions. We are spitting distance from Washington D.C., after all.
I turn my head in my sister's direction, to give the illusion that I'm looking at her – mostly because I'm sure it unnerves the Hell right out of her to know just what is (and isn't) behind the dark lenses of my shades. "Well according to my daughter, this 'good school' either doesn't offer or won't let her into any of the classes she wants –"
Harrison interrupts me, "The classes your daughter wanted to take this semester were either full – or restricted."
"Restricted – what does that mean?" I want to know.
"It means she would have to earn her way in, just like every other student in our advance placement and college prep courses. Besides even if we had let her in, Miss Dawson never would have been able to keep up – her presence would have only brought down the rest of the class."
This guy cannot possibly have any idea how badly I want to smoke his brains out right here… but I suppose that would put a kink or two in the rest of my day and really, I'm not sure he's even worth the price of the lead. "Fine. She's not going to stay here anyway –"
"Your daughter is fifteen years old – you are legally obligated to keep her in school," that's still Harry. I'm betting this guy really likes to hear the sound of his own voice – he must spend hours on end, just talking and talking and not even bothering to notice if anyone else is even listening…
"You're never going to find someplace that will take Emma in the middle of the school year," Alison adds. "Not with her grades."
"As it is, Miss Dawson on academic suspension. If we don't see immediate improve in her grades – and attitude – I'm afraid I'll no choice but to take drastic measures."
"And let me guess, by drastic measures, you're threatening to expel her?" I say. "And see – here I thought you didn't want to get rid of her. Now I get it." I need a cigarette. This guy is a total fuckmook…
"No one wants it to come to that, Mr. Sands, and it isn't as if we are unaware of the delicate nature of your daughter's situation," sounds like ol' Harry over there is backpedaling big time, "With the loss of her mother and your – absence from the home. But quite frankly that is no excuse for the kinds of behaviour Emma has been exhibiting. I have recommended several good psychologists to your sister already – "
Ok, I've had enough – this has seriously ceased to be amusing. My head is pounding and got a fuck of a full day ahead of me – so without giving them any warning whatsoever, I get up and I walk out the door. (You thought I was going to pull some heat outa my shorts, didn't you? I want to – but it really would just put too many kinks in my day – and not the good kind either…)
Emma is sitting in the main area of the office waiting for me. I hear her stand as I come out – but wisely she doesn't say a word. Guess that scowl on my face is giving me away.
Either that or she sees Alison racing after me…
"Sheldon – wait!"
Temporarily ignoring Alison (believe me, I wish I could permanently ignore her), I tell Emma to get a cab out here on the double-quick and I don't stop walking because I want a cigarette, and I want it now (I think even Spencer is having a hard time keeping up with me)… hey, wait a minute – since when do I care about rules? I dig out my pack and have a cig lit by the time I hit the Great Outdoors. God, I needed that. My nerves are fucking jangled as Hell…
"You can't smoke here," Alison informs me, stepping out into the cold.
"We're out of the building –"
"You can't smoke within a hundred yards of school property."
"So let them fucking arrest me," I take a long drag off my smoke and exhale in her general direction (petty, I know, but my head hurts too much for me to come up with anything better at the moment.)
The nicotine isn't really helping, but I enjoy the act of smoking. I think I'm enjoying it even more knowing I'm "not allowed" to do it here. Christ, I'm not in the building, not hurting any precious adolescent lungs – not that most of those little hooligans don't toke up on stuff a whole lot stronger than what I'm smoking. I know what goes down in high schools… hmm… better make a mental note to have that little chat with Emma sometime real soon, too. And speaking of my little muffin, I notice Emma's not here yet – she probably has enough brights to realize she doesn't want to be anywhere near me and my sister right now.
"You don't care about anyone but yourself, do you?" Alison says to me.
"Broken record, Sis. You got a new track or are just going to keep dancing to the same old tune?"
"Sheldon – yesterday a lawyer came to see me – he represents Emma's grandparents. They're seeking custody."
Ok, that got my attention. I stop, mid puff and let my cig hang there between my lips, 'looking' in her direction. "And?"
"They've been trying to get custody since before her mother passed away. Shel – they have money – a lot of money –"
"Yes, I was aware of that, Sis."
"I just – I wasn't sure what you knew about them –"
"I know them. The old man hates me." There's an understatement for you.
"Gosh, I can't imagine why."
Yessiree, sarcasm runs in our family all right…
"So just what did you tell this attorney?" I ask.
"Just what I know – which as usual isn't much."
"I'm not playing games here, Alison. What exactly did you tell this attorney?"
She heaves a heavy sigh, "I didn't tell him you were with the CIA – just that you'd been out of the country on business and were probably living somewhere in the D.C. area."
Well, at least she isn't a total moron. Even if I'm in a boatload of shit with work, disclosing the identity of a covert op can be a pretty serious offence – and the fact that I'm in this boatload of shit could actually make it worse. You never really know how this stuff is gonna roll until it starts – and then it's just too late to stop it.
"I didn't tell him I might see you today because I wanted a chance to talk to you first –"
"How very considerate of you," in other words, she figured that I might shoot first and ask questions later if some lawyer just showed up with her threatening to take Emma away from me.
"Sheldon, please – think about Emma. Think about your life – is that really the place for a teenaged girl? I have the guy's card – we can go back to my house and call – "
"Do you really think I'm going to just turn my kid over to these people?"
"Just for once in your life, can't you think about someone other than yourself? These people could give her a nice, safe, comfortable life –"
"This coming from the woman who would have sent her packing to some state run home?"
"I – I just didn't know what else to do. I was desperate to save my marriage – not that it matters, you pretty much torpedoed that anyway."
"You are not going to lay that on me, Al. If it failed then it's because you married the wrong guy, not because of anything I said or did – "
"You destroy everything you touch! You ruin everyone around you! You're poison, Sheldon. You always have been – and the saddest part is that I really believe you don't even realize it."
"I know exactly who I am," I snarl back at her – and I think I could introduce her to a mariachi who would back me up on that.
"Than you have to realize you're not the kind of man who could ever be a father. You don't know the first thing about taking care of someone else – you've never put anyone else above or before you – and your life – my Christ, Shel. Do you really think that any judge is going to side with you over a stable, sane, normal couple who have the means to give Emma a really good life?"
I pitch what's left of my cigarette to the ground with a lot more force than is necessary (so much so that Alison actually jumps), but when I speak, my voice is a whole lot quieter than you might be expecting – and it's solid ice. "I will never give her up. Ever."
"That's only because you're so selfish you won't let go of anything, even for someone else's own good. Maybe Mom was right – maybe you're just wired differently, I don't know. All I know is that the Dawsons could give Emma a chance at a real life – a happy life. They love her, Shel – you don't even know what love is!"
"I loved you – I protected you –" I feel like I'm spiraling downward, falling, spinning out of control – but I know I haven't moved. I'm right here in front of the school, standing on my own two feet… it just feels as if they've come unglued from the sidewalk.
"You terrorized me. I was afraid to bring my friends home because I never knew what my psycho brother would do next – especially if you decided you didn't like who I was hanging around with."
"I was only trying to protect you."
"Well you protected me all right – you protected me right into being scared and alone. Are you really so selfish you'd do that to your own daughter?"
"Holly sent Emma to me," and that has to mean something… right?
"Maybe she just didn't know you very well."
"Like you do?"
But before she can answer, the door opens. It's Em, I recognize the freesia oil. "Cab's pulling into the lot," she tells me – and her voice is real damn quiet. It seriously sounds like she's barely breathing.
Emma puts her arm into mine and keeps real close. She's not guiding me – she's hanging onto me. (Although she does manage to get us to the cab – Alison doesn't follow, which probably saves her life, because I'm real ready to forget that she's my sister and I've always said I'd never hurt her.)
I let Spencer hop in first and then slide into the back after him; Emma slips in literally on my coat tails, and when it becomes clear that I'm not going to say anything, she gives our driver directions. Fortunately he seems to comprehend. I'm not sure who's shaking more, me or my kid…
It takes Emma several very long moments to find her voice again – and it's no louder than it was when she told me the cab had arrived. "I heard part of that. I wasn't trying to – but – I did."
"I'm sorry."
"You – are?"
"Yeah."
"Um – so –?"
"So?" I'm in no mood for games. My head is pounding, my stomach is churning, and the whole world feels like a fucking tilt-a-whirl ride. I tell our driver to pull over at the nearest convenience store. It literally feels as if the acid from my stomach is crawling up the back of my throat.
"So – what – are you going to do?" Emma asks.
Does she mean other than kill somebody… no, I don't have a particular target in mind, although I'm beginning to consider going back on my promise to Beth. I really want to make somebody to feel like I do – and Neal is looking like a real fucking good candidate about now. But… "Do you think we could have this conversation later?" I ask my kid. "Maybe sometime when my head doesn't feel like it's going to fall off?"
"Yeah. Sure. Sorry."
"Em – "
"It's ok. What did you need from the store?" She asks – and yes, it feels as if we're pulling over.
"Antacid. Liquid. Strongest shit they've got – and nothing that tastes like fucking fruit."
"Anything else?"
(And that isn't even sarcasm…I know she's upset, but I just don't have what it takes to deal with it right now... but I don't think of anyone but myself, right?)
"No. Thanks." While Emma runs in, I step out of the cab to have another cigarette; I really don't care what Beth would say about my chain-smoking right now…
Do you really think that any judge is going to side with you over a stable, sane, normal couple who have the means to give Emma a really good life?
…you almost killed Chet Wheaton with that little 'stunt' of yours. You actually expect me to be grateful to you for that? Mom had to quit the first good job she had because of it – because of you… You destroy everything you touch – you ruin everyone around you. You're poison, Sheldon. You always have been – and the saddest part is that I really believe you don't even realize it I know who I am… what I am… demons and angels… I'm a fucking menace… you're not the kind of man who could ever be a father. You don't know the first thing about taking care of someone else… you terrorized me… you don't even know what love is…
…no regrets…no apologizes… no going back…
What kind of a fuckmook am I to think I could have it all?
…If you were burned, it was only because you were already a lost cause, Jeff. You've been a lost cause – a liability for years – you're just too blind to see it… you brought it on yourself…
Emma's back – she doesn't say anything, she just presses the bottle into my hands. It's open. I mutter my thanks and down as much of the thick, chalky, minty concoction as I can in one gulp before getting back into the taxi. I barely notice the rest of ride home – it's a blur of noise and Maalox. As soon as we arrive at our destination, I pay the driver and tell Emma I'm that going to go for a walk.
"You – ok?" she asks.
"No."
"Shelly –"
"Not now. Later. I promise." I walk away before she can say more. I can't deal with it now. I can't deal with anything. And of course I know I have to – the show must go on, right? I have to go into 'work' and deal with Marlina Eddas – I have to have a drink with Paula Basil later on tonight. I have to find out why Marcus was calling – and make sure Milo hasn't worried himself to death because I wasn't answering my phone last night…
Last night? Was it really just last night that I thought I could have it all? That all I had to do was take it – and it would be mine? "Christ, you really are the world's biggest fuckmook," I tell myself…
…You don't even know what love is… you ruin everyone around you. You're poison, Sheldon, you always have been…
…Nothing worthwhile is ever easy…
…You don't even know what love is…
…You've been a lost cause – a liability for years – you're just too blind to see it…
…You're not the kind of man who could ever be a father. You don't know the first thing about taking care of someone else…
… You ruin everyone around you…
…You destroy everything you touch…
…You terrorized me…
…Do you really think that any judge is going to side with you over a stable, sane, normal couple who have the means to give Emma a really good life?
…You don't even know what love is…
…………..I'm not sure how much time has passed when I finally become aware of the dull ache in my thighs. That whole being shot thing, I guess…
My life... I have, I believe, close to two dozen scars from bullet wounds scattered over my body. I've been knifed in the gut at least two or three times – I lost a kidney that way – and according to the white coats (CIA docs), I'm seriously on my way to pickling my liver. I have had every toe broken, a couple of them more than once. I have lived out of rat-holes and broken into palaces. I've slept with more women than I can honestly count.
And one of them sat there and watched while my eyes were drilled out of my skull. She watched them dripping down my face, she listened to me scream. This same woman I had wanted to run away with…
See anything you like?
Just thinking about her lips touching mine makes me want to hurl. Thinking about everything else we did… everything I wanted to do… but she never wanted me to take my time, she never wanted to – enjoy being with me. I thought she just liked it down and dirty – and I'm not saying she wasn't talented, because my Christ, was she ever. But then again, most whores are. That's all she really was, you know, just a whore for her old man. I have to wonder if she wasn't as repulsed by me as I am now, at the memory of being with her.
…Whatever happened down there, you brought it on yourself, Jeff. You always do…
I saw too much, but not nearly enough… not that any of it makes any difference now…
…You don't even know what love is…
And yet, somewhere out there's an angel who wants me? (Maybe that's just because she doesn't know where I've been… She doesn't really know who I am, no one does.)
I find a place to sit – just a quiet bench. Spencer lays down at my feet – he's being quiet, too. Guess it must be contagious.
…You've been a lost cause – a liability for years – you're just too blind to see it…
…You don't know the first thing about taking care of someone else…
… You ruin everyone around you…
…You destroy everything you touch…
…You don't even know what love is…
…You're poison, Sheldon…
…Do you really think that any judge is going to side with you over a stable, sane, normal couple who have the means to give Emma a really good life?
I'm in a park, I think – that sounds like a swing squeaking, metal on metal… that brings back some rather unpleasant memories… it takes some effort, but I manage to shove those back into the little box in my head where I keep the unpleasant things… my own little Pandora's box. Only I don't really think there's any kind of hope hiding at the bottom of it. Guys like me don't get to believe in hope, remember?
There are trees over head – I can hear the wind rattling through the branches and the scent of brittle dry leaves is strong. I can hear leaves skittering on the pavement in front of me – behind they blow over the grass. There really is a difference in the sound… I hadn't noticed that before now. There are voices, too – but they all sound pretty distant. I'm just as glad. I do not feel like any kind of human contact.
(It does occur to me that I have no idea where I am, but I really just don't care.)
The world has stopped spinning, but everything inside hurts – feels like – like broken glass.
I'm out of cigarettes and I don't even remember finishing the pack… I guess I was smoking while I walked. I don't remember. I don't care. I just want to sit. I just want to stop thinking. Stop hurting.
I want to close my eyes. I want to lean my head back, look at the sky for a few minutes (I imagine it as overcast, but of course I have no way of knowing) and then just shut my eyes and enjoy the darkness… not that I'll ever enjoy the darkness again. It's all I have left – empty, alone… cold.
The wind's picking up – it's heavy with moisture and that smell that says 'snow'. But it's not the cold outside that bothers me. It's the cold inside I hate. I know it's what separates me from the one person I want to reach out to…
… Maybe Mom was right – maybe you're just wired differently…
I wonder if even an angel can touch the cold that's burning me up inside...
…You don't even know what love is…
Christ, why does it have to hurt so much?
I don't want to give up – it's just that I know I don't have a chance, not with Beth – maybe not even with Emma. One way or another I'm going to screw it up – it's just who I am. The best I can hope for is not to hurt any of them in the process… maybe I really am just a selfish prick…
…Do you really think that any judge is going to side with you over a stable, sane, normal couple who have the means to give Emma a really good life?
…You destroy everything you touch…
…You ruin everyone around you…
… You're not the kind of man who could ever be a father…
…You don't even know what love is…
…You've been a lost cause – a liability for years – you're just too blind to see it…
…You don't know the first thing about taking care of someone else…
…You destroy everything you touch…
…You ruin everyone around you…
… Maybe Mom was right – maybe you're just wired differently…
…You don't even know what love is…
… You're poison, Sheldon….
…You're not the kind of man who could ever be a father...
…You don't know the first thing about taking care of someone else…
…You don't even know what love is…
"Hey there, Cowboy."
For half a frightened second I'm not sure if she's really here or her voice is just a voice in my head… but I can smell her perfume – and you know I'm not even really surprised she found me. She's my angel.
"Mind if I sit down?"
"Free country."
"That's what they say anyway," Beth sits right next to me, close enough that our legs are touching (but – I don't make any move to – to do more than let my knees rub up against hers.) "You look like shit," she tells me.
"I feel like shit."
"You wanna tell me about it?"
"Not really."
She presses something into my hands – thermos? (It's pretty welcome – I think my fingers have gone completely numb – I can't really feel my nose either.) "What time is it?"
"Almost two thirty."
Crap…
"I talked to Marlina Eddas."
"Swell." My first real day on the job and I couldn't even put in half a day…
"She seemed pretty understanding," Beth tells me.
I just shrug and unscrew the thermos lid – hot chocolate. She really is an angel. My angel.
…You destroy everything you touch… …You ruin everyone around you. You're poison, Sheldon, you always have been…You don't even know what love is…
…Nothing worthwhile is ever easy…
"So what did you tell Eddas," I ask – mostly I just want to silence the voices swirling around in my head.
"I didn't really know what to tell her – because Emma didn't know what to tell me."
"How is Em?"
"Pretty shaken up."
"You want some?" I ask, before taking a swig of the chocolate.
"You drink it – you look like you need it."
"I need something a fuck of a lot stronger than cocoa."
"So talk to me."
"I wouldn't even know where to start." The chocolate is warm and rich with just a hint of something that I can't identify – something good. I don't know how she makes it but – it is truly out of this world.
"The beginning is usually a good place," Beth suggests.
"Ange, I – " I have knives digging into my gut is what I have… I just shake my head. I really don't know where to start. It's all muddled in my head. "I don't suppose you brought my Vicodin?"
Beth passes over the bottle. I really do not know what I've done to deserve her – and even if deep down I know it can't last, I do like having her here. I like having them both – I never thought I'd feel like this again. I never thought I'd get the chance…
"Emma said your sister turned up today," Beth prompts me gently after several long moments of silence.
"Yeah."
"She said the two of you argued."
"That's putting it mildly."
"So?"
"So – everything I always thought I knew isn't really true – at least not according to Alison."
I feel Beth's hand on my knee – and I just reach down and wrap my hand around hers. She doesn't pull away. She's there. She's warm. She holds me. I'm shaking – it's not the cold, at least not the cold outside.
"Sheldon – what happened?"
"According to Alison, I'm the reason our parents split up – and – my mother thought I was a serial killer in the making – she seriously thought – she'd find – animals buried in the back yard… " and it all just sort of tumbles out. Chet. Chet Sr. A dozen others just like them – I even tell her about standing over six guys in an alleyway with Milo and exactly why I came to his rescue. I tell her everything Alison had to say about my character… which let's face it, wasn't wholly inaccurate…. And Beth is still holding onto me. She won't let go, no matter what I say, she just won't let go… "Don't you get it, I could never – be – be whatever it is you think you want me to be," I just don't want to hurt her. "I can't be that person. It's not in me."
"Horse shit."
(The abruptness of her answer startles me a little… it isn't quite what I'd expected, even if I wasn't thinking far enough ahead to anticipate anything in particular…) "Beth –"
"Do you really think that your sister is so unbiased that you have to listen to her accounting of what happened when you were and – swallow it whole?"
"She was there. She knows me better than anybody."
"I know you better than she does."
"You don't know me at all –"
"Did she ever hold you when you were afraid in the dark?"
"No one else has ever seen me afraid – of anything – except maybe Milo – but that's – that's different. That was – it was really fucked up – and you wanna hear something truly funny? When I was a kid, my biggest fear was the dark. Isn't that fucking irony? I was more afraid of being trapped alone in the dark than anything else. But here I am. Alone in the dark – and I'm stuck here."
"You're not alone - I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
………………………………………………………………………………
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up!)
Wake me up inside
(Save me!)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch, without your love
darling, only you are the life among the dead
(All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me)
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
(Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here...There must be something more)
Bring...me...to...life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to Life
(I've been living a lie there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
- Evanescence -