Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I guess the last couple of chapters went over pretty well ;) I really appreciate hearing that y'all liked it.
Sands-Agent: yeah, Alison has really turned into the 'bad guy' – I didn't create her to be that way, but sometimes you've just gotta let the characters take their own direction. I still tend to think of her more as "damaged" than "bad" but she's still a definitely not her brother's favourite person right now.
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Chapter Thirty:
A Little Faith
Beth can't be serious – she can't really believe that – that just because she held onto me, shaking in the dark, that she really knows me. You know who I am – you know what my life is – how can someone like her even begin to grasp the things I've done…? No regrets, no apologies – but no delusions, either.
"I know everything I need to – why can't you just believe that?"
"Because there's something you don't know – something – you should know," I tell her. "But – I don't suppose you have a cigarette on you, first?"
Beth just shakes her head – but I know she's smiling at me. I don't deserve her… not that I really expect to be able to keep her, but even in this brief moment, I know I don't deserve her. She passes over a cigarette – it's even lit. My angel. "Thanks."
"Any time."
I take a long drag off my smoke and I try to find the words I really want to say. I'm trying to figure out if there's any way to paint a picture of myself that isn't completely bad. (Yeah right, I think we're back to 'fat chance' again, there, kiddies. I am who I am, right?)
And you know what really bites? I know that if I just keep my mouth shut, she'll never know what I'm about to tell her. But, see, I'd know. I'd always wonder, if Beth knew what really went down on the Day of the Dead, would she hate me…? And the only way I can find out is to tell her – and you know what I'm expecting her reaction to be. That shit happened right in her backyard – it affected people she cares about. Maybe she can – rationalize – the Chet Wheatons of the world because they're strangers – maybe she can be ok with my very real desire to put the hurtin' on this Neal guy because he hurt her. But what happened in Culiacan happened to people she knows and loves. And It happened because of me. So of course she's going to hate me – but I have to tell her because I just don't think I could live with her knowing… knowing that I'd kept something that big from her just so save my sorry ass. And I know there's no way to say it except to just say it – there is just no way to put a positive spin on my involvement (not that I'd ever admit that to Paula or the Company, but this isn't them, this my angel here.) "Beth – I – ah – I practically engineered that entire clusterfuck down in Culiacan."
"No," her voice is calm. "Armando Barillo did that."
De-Nile isn't just a river in Egypt… "No. I was behind most of it. I – I got your buddy El involved, got him to take out Marquez – only he was supposed to do it after Marquez had taken out the president. Then – then the woman I was sleeping with was supposed to arrest Barillo – I supplied her with the tip off about where and when," Christ, was it really only a month ago? It seems like another life time – like somebody else's life – like I was just some kind of spectator… "The rest of the plan was that she and I would make off with the money Barillo was going to pay Marquez for killing the president and spend a few weeks on a beach somewhere drinking tequila and – " I finish with a shrug. I'm sure Beth is smart enough to figure it out.
And there is a whole lot of silence on her end of the bench. I may have stopped shaking, but inside – Christ, I can't breathe; it feels like there's this fist around throat. Everything is cold… but… I notice she hasn't pulled away… only I know better than to believe in hope. I've known all along that if she ever found out that I was behind what happened on the Day of the Dead, that it would be the end of – of whatever this was. "I really did believe the order to take out Corazon came from back home," I tell her softly, hoping she'll at least believe that much. "I'm not saying I'm any kind of good guy – but I wouldn't have gone that far just for a little unofficial payola. The whole thing would have gone down that much easier if I hadn't been trying to take out Corazon. Not that – it would have made a difference – really – in the end." Fuck – I think I'm burying myself deeper... "I just want you to know that I really didn't set out to – cause – that much shit. Not for any altruistic reasons or anything – but I had some guys who were supposed to intercept Marquez's boys before they ever got to Culiacan – it just – didn't happen. Nothing happened the way it was supposed to."
I listen. Still nothing. For a very long time. Finally, "So what went wrong?" Her tone is – neutral. Tepid. Not quite cold – but it's lost all the warmth I've come to love so much... Like I said, I know better than to believe in hope.
I take another long drag off my smoke – it's almost gone but I'm honestly afraid to ask her for another one – I'm afraid to ask her for anything. "Everything. I called in for back up but – I never got it. Then, I found out that the woman I was fucking, the one who was supposed to arrest Barillo and run off with me, was really his daughter. She'd been using me the whole time – only I didn't know it because the background I'd had run on her came up clean. And it wasn't an oversight – the CIA doesn't make mistakes like that."
"You said you were set up – I guess you weren't kidding."
"No," I tell her – Beth isn't pulling away physically, but I can still feel the walls that have gone up around her... or maybe it's my own walls I'm feeling, I can't quite tell. I just know that something is hanging there between us – something big – something – something separating me from the one person I don't want to hate me. "I really wasn't supposed to make it out of Mexico alive, but because I did, the boys back at Langley saying I knew all along who she was – that I was going to run off but never come back. That's their 'proof' that I was working with Barillo – their proof that I went rogue – turned traitor. Right now, Milo is the only guy in the CIA who believes me – and if any of the rest of them ever found out he was helping me –" I just shrug again. I'm Eddas' new little rat – because really, who would suspect a guy like Milo of anything underhanded anyway? If they ever do think there's a rat in the grain cellar, I'm the kind of guy they'd come looking for.
"And you still don't know who set you up or why?"
"Not exactly," I proceed to tell her about Bogotá – just the highlights, me and Suarez and a lot of somebody else's dough (if I hadn't cut her out of the picture, Suarez really would have made a lot of money down there... I ended up with a cool thirty mil that I stashed in a bank in Panama – why Panama? Why not? No matter how secure the Caiman Islands really are, you never want to put all your eggs into one basket.)
"You seem to have made a real habit out of stealing other people's money," Beth observes quietly.
"Just saving for retirement. The pension plan at work sucks."
She laughs – barely. "So – it really all just boils down to being about the money?"
"I guess when you put it that way, it doesn't really seem worth it," because all the money in the world won't bring my eyes back…
I hear – it's not really a laugh, but I can't say that Beth 'snorts' either because it's a much more ladylike a sound than that, but you probably get the idea.
"Just – out of curiosity – this woman you were – with –?"
"Dead." I want to tell her that Ajedrez sat there and watched while Guevara took out my eyes… but I don't know that it matters… she's dead and Beth has gone completely quiet on me. I wish I had her knack for knowing what people are thinking because I'd really like to know if – if this is really the end of whatever it was we thought we were doing… right. We didn't know what we were doing – and I had no business involving a woman like Beth in my life. But my Christ, it was nice to pretend… and maybe I really did get the girl, just for a little while, anyway. No one can take away the memory of sitting up with her last night – or all those nights in Mexico when she held me in the dark. No one can take away that day in her garden when she cried on my shoulder. No one can take away the feeling of her arms around my waist this morning or just how damned good it felt to be happy. And no one can take away the memory little girl sitting in my lap telling me that she doesn't want me to be sad. It hurts… but maybe the Good Bard was onto something there to, that some things really are worth having, even for a short time.
After a couple more minutes of quiet, Beth asks me if that's the whole story. Her tone hasn't changed. But that's ok. It has to be ok. Take what you can get, when you can get it and then… move on. Ignore the pain and just move on.
"Cliff's Notes version of it anyway," I tell her.
"Ok."
"Ok?"
"Ok," Beth repeats and I feel her shrug.
"You really have to tell me what 'ok' means, here Ange," because I'm afraid to breathe. Could she really mean… ok? Or does she just mean ok, she's leaving, so long and thanks for all the fish… yeah, right, fuckmook, what do you really think 'ok' means?
"It means ok. It means I appreciate your honesty – probably a lot more than you realize."
And right about here is where I'm expecting (hoping?) to hear her say something like 'maybe we can still be friends' – but you know, I'd take it. I'd take it and be happy because it would mean I wouldn't lose them completely. I really have figured out that something is better than nothing… but Beth isn't done yet…
"Ok means I'll always be here – if you really want me," (and it doesn't sound like she's having a real easy time breathing over there, either.)
"How?" How is that possible… "How can you be ok what I just told you – with everything I've told you?" What do I really have to tell her to scare her off?
"Because I know you didn't start the war between Corazon and Barillo. I know you didn't hire Marquez. I get it that you took advantage of the situation – but it was there already, you didn't cause it. What happened in Culiacan would have happened with or without you – in fact, it might have been worse without you, because in a warped sort of way you probably saved Corazon's life, even if that wasn't your intent – so don't you dare go taking credit for it," (is she really smiling there?) "But most of all, I know that no matter what anyone thinks they have as proof, you were never working with Amrando Barillo, even if you were – involved – with a woman who happened to be his daughter. I believe that you were set up, Sheldon – and I don't really care that you were planning to steal Barillo's money and go drink tequila on the beach. Better that than anything he would have done with it. And – I know the mariachi just well enough to know you didn't have to twist his arm to get to go after Marquez. Some people just – need – revenge. I only hope he's really one of them," that last is said very softly.
"How well do you know him?" I ask – yeah, my voice is kinda quiet there, too. I know it shouldn't be my topmost concern – it shouldn't be a concern at all. I really don't even know why it bugs me that she knows the mariachi… other than he's tall, dark, handsome, oh yeah, and a God damned living legend. No, there's nothing threatening about any of that, even when you add onto it the fact that that, guitar case full of guns aside, El's probably a real decent sorta guy – nothing like me.
She almost laughs, "One of my neighbours directed El to my door about six months ago – he needed a doctor who wouldn't ask questions."
"That's it?"
"What else would there be?"
"But – you know about him and Marquez –?"
"He found my ability to 'read him like a book' just as disconcerting as you do – besides the story about him and Marquez isn't exactly uncommon knowledge, there, Cowboy –"
"That little swindler," I mutter aloud, without really meaning to… No wonder Belini only wanted ten thousand – he had to know that if I'd ever found out he sold me something that 'wasn't exactly uncommon knowledge,' I would have ripped that patch off his face and… and he's dead, it doesn't matter. But it still ticks me right the fuck off.
However… "How can you be so sure I'm telling the truth?" I ask Beth – because I sure would like to know why she's convinced I wasn't working with Barillo or Marquez, when I can't even convince Paula I didn't go rogue. Paula worked with me – fucking fucked with me – for over a year. I know she's pissed about China, but I only left her bleeding like that to go finish the job and somewhere in that twisted little brain of hers, she's got to know that. Paula Basil seen that kinds of shit I do – and don't do. I may not have morals, but I do have standards and I have never been a traitor – and I don't know what I have to say to convince her that I'm not one now. (And I guess I shouldn't care – but I do. It pisses me off that she thinks I'd go over to the other side for fucking twenty million pesos – do you really know what that converts to in dollars? Not much, let me tell you.)
"If I tried to explain it, you wouldn't understand," Beth tells me quietly. "It goes back to gut feelings and hocus pocus."
I just smile – I do take a strangely perverse little bit of pleasure in knowing she set El's nerves on edge, too. And you know – I think I even hope he made it out of there in one piece… not that I ever want to – see – him again. I realize that Beth's hand really is still in mine. She slides her fingers so that they're interlaced with mine.
"I'll make you a deal, Cowboy," she tells me – her voice is still on the quiet side.
"What kind of a deal?"
"If you can just take this one day at a time – just take it as it comes and stop trying to convince yourself that I'm going to leave at every little – bump in the road – I'll tell Cicily that we're staying."
"Bump in the road, Darlin'?"
"Sheldon, what happened in Culiacan happened before I even knew you – and it would have happened with or without you anyway. What do you want me to do – get angry at something that I had no control over? Leave you for something – something that – " she stops and takes a breath. "I'm not leaving, not unless you really, really don't want me around. If that's the case we'll pack up and go – but – believe me, once I go, I'm gone."
Talk about a knife in the gut… "You know I don't want you to leave."
"Than stop expecting me to. Let me be here for you. I can't help with the big stuff because most of it is stuff I don't know anything about, but I can be there when you need someone to talk to – someone to just be there when you don't want to talk but don't want to be alone either. I'll never judge you or what you do – I especially won't judge what you've already done. All you have to do is have a little faith in me. And I'm scared too, Sheldon, I really am. Remember, you had to talk me into believing that staying was as easy as not getting on a plane. You got me to believe you wanted me, but you keep expecting me to leave – or did you really think I didn't notice – and that it wasn't really tearing me up to know you don't believe I'll really be here no matter what?"
"I guess I was so – absorbed – in what's going on in my own head that I didn't think about it," I tell her. And I think I'm shaking all over again… "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"What – what exactly do you – why me? I swear, I drink, I smoke, I sleep with a loaded pistol under my pillow. I have the CIA out to hang me. What sane woman would want anything to do with me?"
"I could ask you the same thing – because maybe I don't drink or smoke or swear as much as you do – but I'm no picnic to be around and I know it. So I could just as easily ask you what you could possibly see in me –"
"But I asked first. Besides my answer is the easy one: you're an angel." My angel.
"I'm no angel."
"You know I'm never going to believe that."
She laughs, just a little. "I don't really have an answer for you, but I do hope you don't honestly believe I tell my deepest, darkest secrets to every wounded cowboy I find throwing up in my flowerbed, or that I bear my – my everything – to every handsome stranger who collapses in my garden."
I manage a smile, "And just how many of those have there been, Darlin'?"
"Just one. So far."
I know she's teasing me. Still… "Are you really sure you're ready to tell Cicily about staying?" Because somehow that just makes it so much more real… and real is really scary.
"I know it's bugging you that I didn't want to tell her, fueling your doubt about my sticking around –"
"It isn't helping – but – "
"No buts, Cowboy. Do we have a deal or not?"
"I'm just not sure I know how to have faith in anything – even though I want to." And I really do want to – I want her. I want her more than I've wanted anything in – in as long as I can remember.
"I got you to trust me, didn't I?"
I just laugh, "You didn't give me much of a choice there, Ange."
"It was always your choice."
"I – I never thought I would ever – have anything," I admit. It's not easy to do, I'm not real used to – to bearing my everything as she put it – to anyone. "You were right about Holly. I never carried any kind of torch for her – but – she was the first woman I really loved – and – that haunted me for a long time because, see, even knowing it wouldn't last, it just about killed me to have her walk out on me the way she did."
"Why were you so sure it wouldn't last?" Her tone is – gentle. Warm. I realize that those walls between us don't seem to be so thick any more…
"She never knew me." Not like you do… Christ is it really possible…
"So is that a yes or a no?"
"Do you really believe that this – that we – have a chance?"
"We've gotten over a couple pretty big hurdles already, haven't we?"
I really can't argue with that – and I really don't want to lose her…
"All I'm asking you to do is take it one day at a time. Stop trying to convince yourself that it won't work out and just have a little faith in me. You really will wake up one morning and realize that I'm still next to you – because that's where I really want to be."
"You make that sound awfully darned easy. Almost – too easy."
"It's just as easy as not getting on a plane."
I can't help but chuckle, "I guess we have ourselves an accord," I smile over at her.
Beth just laughs – and – my Christ, what a sweet sound. I don't know if it's the sound of her laugh that does something to me, or what – but I find myself brushing my lips against her hand in an extremely uncharacteristic public display of affection…
Beth runs her hand along my cheek – and although I'm not real sure it's meant as an invitation, I use it as one anyway, finding her lips with mine… and it is very nice… and I really don't care who sees. (Which is both sloppy and stupid, I know, but…but there it is.)
"Come on, Cowboy," Beth says many long (amazing) moments later, "Let's get out of the cold – it looks like it's going to start snowing any second and you've got to be frozen through by now."
I can't feel my nose… but I don't feel cold… she probably does, thought (when she leaned in, I could tell that all Beth had on was some kind of shawl over a sweater; I don't even know if she and Cicily have winter coats…) "How far are we from the condo, anyway?" I ask.
"Not too far – but I'm a country girl, and one thing I've learned about you city-folk – you measure distance a whole lot different than we do," her smile is audible.
"Should I call for a cab?"
"We could be back to the condo by the time one gets here – unless – you're not up to more walking?"
"I'm fine. And – thank you. Again."
"For?"
"Giving me something to believe in."
"De nada, Cowboy."
"No," I shake my head, "It's everything." You're everything…
She just stands and hauls me to my feet. Beth places my hand on her elbow and we walk… and she doesn't press me for any kind of conversation, but – I like this. I feel comfortable walking next to her. I think back to the way she took care of me back in Mexico, and I honestly don't get it. I was nothing to her – just a stranger throwing up in her flowers, but she took me in, cleaned my wounds, dug a couple of bullets out of my hide – and – she got to me. She found the places inside I'd forgotten existed… and she's still here. I told her about the mess I made in Culiacan – and she's still here. She knows who I am just about as well as anybody I've ever met – and she's still here. She could have hurt me in dozen different ways… but… she didn't. And… she's still here… and as if she really can read my mind, I feel her pull just a little closer to me, hang on just a little bit tighter and I smile down at her for a moment.
And my cell rings. I contemplate not answering – but if it's Milo, I know he'll freak out. I fish it out of my pocket, one handed, and manage to get it to my ear without letting go of the angle walking next to me. "Yeah, hello."
"It's never a good idea to not answer your phone, kid," says Marcus Lewin on the other end.
I grin – his tone is scathing. "Sorry – I took the night off."
"Real agents don't take time off."
"Maybe that means I'm not a real agent any more."
Marcus just scoffs.
"So what can I do for you?" I inquire. This outghta be interesting, if nothing else…
"Did I ever mention my little girl to you?"
"Um – that would be a nega-torry, there, good buddy," I give him my very best cheesy trucker accent.
"Don't get cute. Her name's Lucy –"
"Lucy Lewin?" Christ. Poor kid.
"It was her mother's idea. Look – I'd like you to have lunch with her. Tomorrow. It's all set up."
"Ok, I think there's a few pieces of the toy set I'm missing here – because I know you're not setting me up on a date."
"In your dreams, kid. She's a criminal attorney – and a damned good one, too. That's not just me talking as a father –"
"Marcus – I appreciate the – " gesture? Sentiment? The way you're trying to stick your nose into my fucking business? Hmmmm….
"I know you think you've got it all sewn up – but you can't trust the DOJ. They don't hand out 'Get out of Jail Free' cards to guys like you and me, they hang us out to dry with our dicks flapping in the wind, and you know it."
"So how's the pool – you put that money down for me yet?" I ask in an intentionally off-handed sort of way. I don't think I've ever known Marcus to sound this serious about anything. I don't like it – or the implications. (That reminds me – I still have to deal with Paula and all I really want to do is just spend the rest of the night curled up with Beth on the sofa.)
"Jeff – I'm not screwing around. You're up to your eyeballs in – " his voice actually fucking catches. "Sorry, kid."
"No sweat. I'm getting used to the stupid shit people say without meaning to." Which is at least partially true. "So I take it word has gotten round the office about my little 'accident'?"
"Yeah, word got around – but it's still mostly rumour."
Swell.
"Look – you're in some real deep kimchee, here, Kid. Eddas is playing you – "
"What do you know?"
"Just meet with Lucy – tomorrow – noon – Olde Towne Bistro."
"Um – exactly how am I supposed to recognize her?"
"She'll recognize you."
"So what have you told her about me?" I ask – yeah, curiosity… (curiosity may have killed the cat – but satisfaction brought him back.)
"Enough that no matter how hard you try to get her in the sack, you won't have to worry about me hunting you down and cutting off your balls."
"Right." Gotta love a guy who doesn't fart around…
"You'll be there," and it isn't a question, either.
"If I don't you'll never stop hounding me."
"You got that right."
"Ten four and out," I hang up – and – I wonder if he really might know something I don't know. I mean, this is Marcus we're talking about, here. He taught me half the shit I know. But Milo trusts Eddas. And – and how can I not trust Milo after all this? Too damned much to think about.
"Everything ok?" Beth asks.
"No – nothing's ok. But that's ok, it's just the status quo," I quip back without really thinking about what I'm saying.
"Nothing?"
Hurt – or just teasing? I'm not real sure. I soften my tone, "Maybe a couple of things are ok." I really don't know what I've done to deserve this – to deserve her, but – but my Christ, I'll take it anyway.
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Don't ever let me take you for granted
You've got your finger on the pulse of my soul
Let me place a kiss in the small of your back
Love and protect you from the evils of this world
Oh baby don't ever leave me stranded
Whoever said that the streets were paved with gold
Well I'm afraid that we're all sadly mistaken
There's nothing here 'til you have someone to hold
I love you with all the joy of living
'Til the lights go down in New York City
It's a special love affair
And there's magic in the air
You gotta shake me down
Bring me 'round to my senses
'Til I'm lost and found
And surround me with your senses
If love wasn't here would we reinvent it?
Oh take me down to the very root of my soul
Oh baby say it as if you really mean it
And feel the passion work it's way up through your skin
I love you with all the joy of living
'Til the lights go down in New York City
It's a special love affair
And there's magic in the air
You gotta shake me down
Bring me 'round to my senses
'Til I'm lost and found
And surround me with your senses
Let me take you by the hand
And we can go and find a brand new world
Starlight - starbright
Let me take you by the hand
And lead you to a safe place in this world
-Erasure-
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Erasure is on of my favourite groups to listen to while writing so I was glad to find one of their songs to include. It's really not something Sands would ever listen to – it's done to a modern disco beat. But it's the sort of thing Milo would have lying around that Beth might enjoy, if she hadn't heard it already, anyway… and the line about New York made me think of Sands right away.
And yes, I do believe Sands is finally ready to believe...
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Additonal "casting"
Lucile "Lucy" Lewin ……………Naomi Watts (lots of stuff, including the Ring and it's sequel.)
I've been doing some thinking and for the sake of visuals here's some of the additional "casting" I've come up with – if things go according to plan (I really do have to end this sooner or later) we'll at least see Patrick in here briefly, but Ithought I'd go ahead and share my vision of Milo's beau with the rest of you even if he never pops up;)
Patrick Flanagan …………………Cary Elwes (first thing I saw him in was Princess Bride… but more recently, Elwes has been in Saw, and Ella Enchanted)
And…
The "girls" Beth used to perform with
Donna Shane …………………………………Judi Dench (Chocolat. She's has been in lot's other movies, but her role as Armande in Chocolat is probably my fave.)
Lesley Allan………………………… Mary-Louise Parker (recurring guest star on West Wing for a couple of seasons, also was in the movie Red Dragon)
Robin Shane (Donna's granddaughter)……………… Maggie Gyllenhaal (Mona Lisa Smile, the Secretary)
And lastly, the reference to thirty million in a bank in Panama was my husband's idea. It's a reference to the movie Blow.
At the very end, I'll list every Depp movie/connection referenced.