Ranma Be my Valentine!
Author's notes - This story came to me a few days ago when I realized that Valentine's day was looming on the horizon. For all of you out there who dread this day, I present this story as proof that it could always be worse, you could for instance live in Nerima
As always the characters and settings in the Ranma universe are the intellectual property of Rumiko Takahashi (you wonderful person you!), Viz, Yeah you get the picture. Know that I have used these without permission (implied or specific), as an act of love not profit. Also of note I am a poor person so please don't sue me. Please please please!
As per usual the site has removed any of what they consider to be superfluos punctuation marks. As such I don't really think it affects the quality of my work, you'll just have to pay a little closer attention to the changes in style, i.e. if it looks like it was spoken and its not in quotation marks then it's a thought, if it's done by the panda it must be a sign, as everyone knows Genma Saotome is incapable of coherent thought.
And Begin
A void of darkness... sprinkled with pinpoints of light. A change of perspective and a small blue globe appears to grow before us. A moment more and clouds of water vapor appear on its surface, playing peekaboo with the greens and grays of small masses of land. Don't blink now or you may miss the transition as the clouds pass behind. Closer now, faster, the surface rises towards us. Lights can be seen in the pre-dawn greyness. A town? A City? Yes that feels right.
Small outcrops appear, the word? Hmmmm. Ah yes houses, little man made structures. Closer now we see a slightly larger home, surrounded by other smaller less significant homes. But more now we become aware of the sounds. whistling air, blending with the white-noise that is the background beat to all cities, Murmurs, laughter, tears, cars and trucks, the animals, insects, birds vie with planes to claim the skies. 'MINE!"
Fading as the focus shifts, and leaves us above a garden with a small pool of water. Two figures move in that space, almost too fast for the naked eye to follow. Back and forth a streak of gray followed by a similar streak of red and black.
"Try harder Boy. I'm not even breaking a sweat here." Genma sneers at his son, making Ranma move even faster, the red streak catches the other.
"Hoy! Ha!Ha!Ha" Ranma tries to break through his fathers defense with a flurry of lightning quick punches, but lets face it, Genma is really quite good at defense. After all one must preserve ones skin to win, so states the Anything goes motto. Um yeah that would be the other one, just after the one that states anything goes.
Okay that didn't work. Lets change the tempo
Ranma takes a step forward and switches to a low attack. Attempting a leg sweep he forces the old gi wearing geezer to take to the air.
YES - he exulted.
Ranma follows him into the air in a somersault higher than his father, his leg extends as he spins into a perfect head-striking kick. Another gray streak and...
Splooooosh!
"That'll teach ya to mock me Pops!" Ranma laughs at the surprised look on the pandas face.
WHUUUMMMM-WHUMM-WHHUMMM! The old bathtub reverberated as it bounced off Ranma-chans gloating face.
Respect your father Boy!
"AAAIIIIIEEEEHHH!" She screamed as she advanced hands outstretched, fingers twitching.
"Genma. Ranma. Breakfast is ready. Why don't you come in and clean up first?" Kasumis smile seemed to light up the small garden as she peered around the screen door.
Ah Breakfast flip I think I'll go and change into something more comfortable
"HA-HA! You're a regular laugh riot this morning ain't ya Pops?" As she headed inside for some hot water of her own.
No one noticed the curtain in an upstairs window twitch as Akane stepped back, a little frown wrinkled her brow as she thought.
Baka. He's so dense. Should I? I mean I am his fiancée, right? And if I don't the others will...Nah I shouldn't think like that. I mean what could go wrong?
Akane blinked a few times and then smacked herself in the forehead as she remembered where she lived.
"Oh crap! It's gonna be another wonderful day in Nerima."
Ranma scratched the back of his head as he closed the door of the furo(bathroom). As he approached the dining room he heard Soun talking to his daughters
"Kasumi what plans do you have for the day" he smiled at his daughter as she blushed a gentle rose color.
"Ah father. I think I shall visit Dr Tofu today. J-just to return some books I borrowed." she stammered under Nabikis knowing smirk.
"And you Nabiki?" He smiled uncertainly, unsure of his footing where his middle daughter was concerned.
"Oh, I'm sure I'll think of something father." A speculative gleam lit her eye as Ranma walked to the table and sat down. Her neutral expression softened as she smiled. "Oh yes I'm sure I will." she muttered under her breath.
"Morning Ranma. Are you looking forward to today?" Soun asked as Ranma settled himself.
Ranma looked a little blank as a neuron failed to fire against the other.
"Nah, I'd rather stay at home and train. I mean I'm gonna be a martial artist, and probably the best to boot. So what do I need with an education?"
"Umm you do know what day it is today don't you?" Soun sounded slightly perplexed.
"Ah yeah, it's Tuesday ain't it?"
"That's correct, and what's the date Ranma?"
"Is this some kinda trick question? It's the 14th of February."
"And? Is there anything special about today?"
"Father, you're wasting your time Ranma doesn't deal with subtle very well."
"Hey you take that back Nabiki!"
"So you understood that my father was talking about the fact it's Valentine's day today?"
"Huh?"
"Didn't think so."
"What's Valentine's day?"
Everyone in the room face-vaulted at Ranma's unexpected question. Except for a rabid looking panda, who was in fact smiling benignly through his toothpaste at another of his social training successes. As the Tendo family began to recover they looked over at the fat panda who was now waiting impatiently at the shogi board.
What? It was a distraction, he didn't need to know about it, he signed.
"You mean you brought him to Japan the way he is and didn't warn him about Valentine's Day?"
Well, it's of no use to a martial artist so I didn't teach him it.
Ranma sat looking from side to side totally confused. Akane sat down with a loud thud totally surprised at the sadistic approach of the fat panda. Nabiki got little yen signs in her eyes at the thought of the approaching profits the day could bring. Kasumi as always exclaimed with her typical "Oh my!"
"Oh damn! Ranma if we don't get a move on we're going to be late for school."
Picking the presently male martial artist up in her usual manner she dragged him out the door by his pig-tail. Ranma managed to snag his book bag with his foot as they hurtled through the door-way.
"Akane! Slow down, we've got more than enough time to get there."
"That's what you think baka!"
Off in the distance, they heard a shimmering bell followed by a yelled "Nihao Airen! No time today, must deliver. Here go, Valentine's present. See you later Airen!" the whole statement dopplered as the high speed Chinese delivery girl sped past on her bicycle. Ranma missed most of it as he stopped listening after 'Here go'. As he was currently preoccupied with a projectile box of chocolates that had smacked him in the face.
"Damn it! I wish people would stop hitting me in the head, that hurt."
"Baka, why don't you ever dodge her?"
"Well I don't dodge you either, so why do you have your nose bent out of shape?"
"It is not, and why should you care?"
"Ah, I might not know much about relationships but correct me if I'm wrong, isn't being fiancées enough of a reason?" Akane stumbled in surprise at Ranma's first ever voluntary admission that they were to be married.
"Close your mouth tomboy, weren't you the one screeching about how we're going to be late for a school?" Ranma shifted into high gear and sprinted for school leaving a sputtering Akane behind in his dust.
"I do not screech you baka, you get back here so I can pound you into the ground like a tent peg!" Contrary to the gist of her priorstatement Akane's voice rose several octaves as she ran after the retreating dust-cloud in front of her.
Ranma started laughing, "You'd like to think I'm stupid enough to come back there but BIIIIIIDDAAAAH! - THUD!"
Akane returned to a normal pace as she stalked past a recumbent martial artist, she shook her head. "I rest my case Ranma, only a BAAAAKKAAA would have run into that telegraph pole. Oh well come on or we really will be late." Again with the dragging off of her finance, I'm beginning to suspect that there are some recessive Neanderthal traits in the Tendo genetic pool.
As she passed through the school gates she ran down Principal Kuno as he was about to lock the tardy students out for the day. Without braking she headed for the school doors, until dramatic lightning began to strike the hills in the background.
"For lo! My two hearts doth approach, and my pulse doth quicken at the thought of such maidenly pulchritude. YESSS! You may date with me!"
Crunch! Ranma-chan who had just regained her feet kicked Tatewaki in the chest sending him crashing head over heels through the schools main doors. "I ain't askin', and you ain't getting Kuno. Now for the last time I ain't interested in ya, in any shape or form." Stomping through the shattered remains of the door towards a prone Kuno.
Raising his head from the floor, "Dost the foul sorceror Saotome hold you in such thrall that you can not see my manly charm? I understand, I shall wait for thee my pig-tailed goddess, for surely your heart shall find its true rest here in my arms." He curled up into a fetal ball as Ranma-chan seemed to tap-dance up his prone body. Anyone who knew better realized that she had kicked every vital spot from his groin to his forehead in rapid succession with a great deal of force.
"Hey Ranma..." gesturing vaguely, "when did that happen?" Akane asked gesturing to the currently female Ranma.
"You know, little old lady with a big water ladle, I tried ta tell ya but you weren't listening. Oh no, not the tomboy, she never listens." He finished by muttering under his breath in what he thought was a quiet enough voice to escape Akane's hearing.
Akane rolled her shoulders through an uppercut with her mallet. "I thought you might need a little help up the stairs Ranma-baka!" Followed by an irate Akane stomping up the stairs to join her fiancé.
Ranma-chan followed the smouldering Akane to their room only to stop and peer over her shoulder, past her blue-black hair. Gathered around the door peering in were half the class. Upon reaching the open-door they found the other half cowering against the far wall. The cause of the commotion turned out to be their diminutive teacher.
"Now Hinako-chan, you know it's not yours." Sarasaki-sensei cajoled the young girl.
Hinako-chan didn't look so very dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L near her forehead, especially with a ¥50 piece perched between them.
"Nobody come any closer, I found it it's all mine!" She wiped a little drool from the corner of her mouth.
"But Hinako-chan, it's all clearly marked."
"Don't care, I found it, and it's all mine! Mmmmm, yummy, chocolate." She was sitting in Ranmas chair with one arm wrapped around the large pile of chocolates, the one holding the ¥50 piece waved round in a vaguely threatening manner.
"Hinako you know better, what kind of message does it give to the children if you take what you want without regard to who it belongs to? And just think how you would feel if someone took the chocolate that you'd given to someone special."
"Aw, do I have to?" She pulled out the big guns in her arsenal, the puppy dog eyes and cute pout that usually worked to melt the hardest of hearts, unfortunately Sarasaki-sans heart was made of adamantium.
"Yes, I really think you do, and I did mean all of it Hinako-chan."
Hinako returned the small box of chocolates to the massive pile on Ranmas desk, then stomped to the front of the room.
"Ah, you can have one if you want Hinako-sensei." Ranma wasn't sure what all the fuss was about but I hated to see such a forlorn expression on his little teachers face.
(Now I've forgotten her special attack, so if someone would like to tell me what her Ki draining attack is I'll correct it as soon as possible. I think it's something like 'Happo go ensatsu' but I'm not confident enough to just assume.) As soon as she was sure she had Ranma's attention, "Now Ranma that would be unforgivably rude, to give away something that means so much to the girl that gave it to you, how could you?" Obviously forgetting her actions of only a moment ago. With that the presently adult Hinako returned to the chalkboard at the front of the room to begin lessons for the day, leaving a drained and twitching Ranma to make his way to his chair.
-later-
Ranma sat at his desk trying to peer around the growing pile of chocolates that the young girls in his school were leaving for him. He'd never been looking forward to lunch so much, he still wasn't sure what was happening, and it was beginning to stress him out. With all the presents he'd been given today he was willing to go with it, who said he was only interested in ice cream?
-Later still-
It started with Kuno, who happened to be waiting outside for him. Beside Kuno sat a large pile of chocolate boxes, "Hath I not defeated you now you foul fiend? For I am 'The Blue thunder' of Furinkan high school, rising star and captain of the kendo team. My spirit burns like the sun, and I shall dry you like a prune!"
"Ah Kuno-baby they're all the same type of chocolate, I don't think it counts if you buy all the chocolates your self." Nabiki smirked at the deluded Samurai wannabe.
"I really hate you, you know that you mercenary woman."
"And I thank the Kami every day for that fact."
"If I can't beat you that way you foul sorcerer I shall have to beat you the old-fashioned way." So saying he struck a pose, which proved to be unfortunate as Ranma had had enough for the day. Moving with a speed and grace that had been honed over ten years of training the young martial artist struck the delusional Kuno with a seven strike combination that hit several of his more painful nerve clusters, while the final palm strike smacked into Tatewakis breast bone causing it to crack under the relentless pressure. Looking down at the presently comatose kendoist Ranma dusted his hands off and stomped back to the place he usually ate his lunch.
When he arrived at the large tree in the middle of the schoolyard he found that a full scale food war was in progress. Shampoo and Ukyo had drawn a battle line on either side of where they expected Ranma to be having his lunch.
"Hey guys what'cha doing?"
"Hi'ya Ran-chan, come and sit down while I get you your lunch."
"What you say? Shampoo Ranma wife, if anyone get him lunch it be me."
"Aw come on girls there's no need to fight, you know I can take anything you can dish out.'
"Oh yes..." Shampoo purred as she strutted sinuously like a cat towards the now highly nervous martial artist, "Shampoo is sure Airen can, if Airen like to find out just what Shampoo dish out all he have to do is come to restaurant tonight." At the thought of that Shampoo's smile became that of a cat that had all the cream and a couple of fish toboot.
"You stop that you hussy! Here Ranma try this, it's something new I cooked up especially for you." With that she pulled out her grill and her ingredients and began to cook, less than 20 seconds later an okonomiyaki came sailing towards him, catching the flying okonomiyaki in his mouth. That was when Ranma was assaulted by a flavor explosion, the rich dark chocolate sauce tangoed across his taste buds contrasting with the light flaky okonomiyaki base, Ranma did the only thing he could.
"Wow thif if great U-chan!" Ranma managed to talk and eat at the same time without spraying everybody with crumbs. Which was fortunate as Akane had stomped up like a miniature storm cloud.
"How dare you, and I went to all the trouble of bringing you your lunch!" Every thing within a 20 m radius of the small group suddenly ground to a halt. Those furthest away regained their survival instincts and ran for the school building. Those who were closer breathed a massive sigh of relief and motion resumed as Akane continued, "and Kasumi worked so hard on it."
Ranma wasn't paying any attention as he was too busy finishing off Ukyo's latest okonomiyaki creation. With a rapturous sigh he turned to find Akane leaving as she'd arrived in her own personal thunder cloud, "what's with her?" Pointing his thumb at the departing uncute tomboy. (Not that he really thought she was uncute, that only applied when she was angry.)
That's when life became truly strange.
"Delivery, I have a delivery for a Ranma Saotome
"Yeah that would be me." Ranma said as he waved his hand. Nabiki walked over to find out who would be sending Ranma a box that large, it measured 4 feet by 4 feet by 6 1/2 feet, emblazoned across the top was written 'To Ranma on this special day'.
"If I could get your signature here, that's right, and here please. Thank you, and you have a nice day." The delivery man slung his clipboard under his arm and walked away, whistling a jaunty tune. Ah to be young and in love.
Meanwhile Ranma and a small crowd of spectators were examining the box, seeing that to open it he had to remove several pins Ranma did so. The front of the extra-large package fell out-wards and crashed to the ground unnoticed by anybody as they were too busy staring at the life-size nude statue of Kodachi Kuno rendered in rich dark Belgian chocolate. The prone figure reclining against a number of chocolate pillows, her proud pert breasts thrust into the air. To say the figure was extremely lifelike would be an understatement as it left nothing to the imagination, it almost looked as if someone had dipped the crazy gymnast in the chocolate and used her as the mold, but Nabiki dismissed that idea as not even Kodachi could be that foolish. Nabiki had to revise the estimate of Kodachi's sanity when she found two breathe holes in the statues nose.
Ranma began to walk away shaking his head, looking back to where Nabiki was standing. "Could you get rid of that for me please Nabiki I just can't deal with this anymore. You can tell me how much you I owe you later."
Nabiki shook her head smiling. "Oh no, I think you can have this one as a freebie." Nabiki was mentally rubbing her hands together at the thought of payback for all the damage caused at the failed wedding attempt. After a moment's thought she called in a few favors and had the box delivered to an address downtown.
Ranma stumbled, thinking surely the world had come to an end as Nabiki gave up an opportunity for profit, the fact that she'd been smiling had made it even scarier. Then again he decided not to bother thinking about it and continued on to his classroom.
-later that night-
After dinner the Tendo and Saotome family to sat watching the last of the evening news.
"... And that's all the main news for this evening, on a lighter note, from Nerima in Tokyo come two Valentine stories. The first story of an over night success a small local restaurant named 'U-chan's' has introduced a sensational new line of chocolate okonomiyaki for Valentines day. They've proved so popular that the young entrepreneur has vowed to extend her dessert menu, much to the delight of her patrons.
The second story, proved to be an act of charity gone wrong. A homeless shelter in downtown Nerima was today gifted with a life-size chocolate statue of a young woman. The management of this establishment saw no reason not to give their residents the statue. 10 minutes later said manager went to investigate a commotion where to his surprise he found the chocolate had been a soft center and the residents were now in possession of a young unconscious naked woman, upon finding this scene he promptly rescued her and took her to his office to revive her. The site manager was last seen running for the hills being chased by said young woman. The chase was captured on several amateur videos.
"Somebody help me!"
"OH-HO-HO-HO-HO, come to me my darling for I love you!"
"But I'm a married man."
"Surely that doesn't matter where love as true as ours is concerned."
"Heeeeeellppppp meeeeee!"
"Well I'm afraid that's all we have time for this evening folks, I'm Sakai Notori for channel T27 news and I bid you a good night."
Ranma shook his head, he had only one thing to say. "Fickle ain't she."
The rest of the people in the room just face vaulted.
-later that evening-
Akane approached Ranma with a forlorn expression on her face. Hands clasped behind her back.
"Ranma, can I have a word with you for a moment?"
"Sure Akane what can I do for you?"
"I wanted today to be so special, but it's been so crazy. I've been trying to give you this all day, but every time I tried something stupid happened." With that she pulled a small box of chocolates out from behind her. "Here, this is for you."
Ranma smiled, for the first time since well before lunch. "Thanks Akane." He touched her cheek, and brushed his knuckles along her jaw line raising goose bumps on her skin, continuing his hand caressed her neck causing her to quiver in anticipation, Ranma's hand moved to her nape to pull her in for what would be their first real kiss.
The door to Ranmas room was suddenly flung open to reveal their two ecstatic fathers both calling out, "Now the schools will be joined." Repeatedly as they danced a merry jig. In response to the two young teenagers jumped apart and glared at each other is if they were mortal enemies.
The End
For those of you who don't like Ranma x Akane, I apologise, but I will not change my mind. Not in this fic anyway.