Thank you for the reviews! Whew, I swear those last couple of chapters were draining (but in a good way, if that makes sense.)
Sands-Agent - I meant to say this before, but got caught up in getting that last chapter out- if you do ever get the chance to see Phantom, it's worth it. I never saw it in Toronto, but I caught it a couple years ago here in Detroit - and it's an amazing play.
Chapter Thirty Six:
The morning after the night before…
The last time I'm aware of hearing that fucking clock chime it's four-thirty. Just the same, I'm not real surprised when the sound of soft foot-falls on the stairs wakes me. I don't know what time it is – but my alarm was set for six-thirty and it hasn't gone off yet.
"I'm – sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," Beth says, very, very softly. Kinda like she's expecting me to take her head off.
I just shrug; I can't really call lying here not consciously aware of my surroundings 'sleeping' anyway. "Time?"
"A little before six."
"You sleep at all?" I ask.
"Not really. Sheldon – I – "
"Let's get some coffee," I cut her off, probably a little more briskly than I mean to – I'm just not real with it. You know, that whole lack of sleep thing – oh yeah, that and feeling like someone dumped my insides into a blender and hit fucking frappe.
Beth doesn't argue.
While she gets the coffee going, I dig around in the cupboard where I keep my smokes – and remember that I already went through my last pack and of course I forgot to buy more. What a fucking fantastic way to start an already bad day… then, miraculously, I find a lit cigarette being put into my hand. My angel. "Muchas garseeas," I give her my absolute worse Spanish accent. It earns me only very small laugh. Sounds like her insides are as churned up as mine.
The cigarette is followed shortly by a cup of coffee, just the way I like it.
It's also followed by a whole lot of silence.
I listen to her get her own coffee together – then she sits down (me, I'm just leaning against the counter trying to decide what I really want to say. I've had all night to think, to mull the whole thing over. I don't know that I've come up with anything particularly brilliant – but I know I can't let deal with this much fucking silence.)
After I finish my smoke, I join Beth at the table. "Do you think we can just forget about it?" I ask her. It's a tactic I've only tried once or twice before – never with any real success. Holly wasn't the sort of woman who could let anything just fucking drop. Beth on the other hand, seems almost too good at dropping the subject (I mean, all I asked her was if we could get some coffee, not for total radio silence.)
"Forget about – 'it'?" Beth asks; she sounds – hmmm – pensive pops into my mind as a good word to describe her tone. Petrified is another word I might use, if I was on a consonance kick… yeah, it's too fucking early, I haven't slept and my mind is doing some very strange things…
… like forgetting to speak in full sentences, so the other guy has half a chance at understanding the question. "Last night." I gulp down some more caffeine. Right now it doesn't feel as if all the coffee in the world will help – lack of sleep really isn't the big problem.
"What – exactly about last night – " she still sounds real unsure of herself. Or me. Or us. Or Life the Universe and Everything. Or all of the above…
I force myself to take a breath and try to form some coherent thoughts. "Do you think we could just – pretend it never happened? Just take it back to me coming in – and forget about the rest?" Forget about Paula Basil kissing me… forget about me kissing her back, even if the only reason I did was because I was too startled to do anything else… forget about me telling Beth about Paula… forget about everything that happened after I came home… I want to forget about that more than any of the rest of it, but I can't do it if she doesn't agree.
"I'm not as good at that as you are," she says, softly. "But – I don't like sitting here wondering if you're really going to come back from wherever it is you're going, either."
I'll be back… somehow I don't think my Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation will help. It's not even very good… "Milo said something to me – back in Mexico. I didn't believe him at the time – but I'm starting to."
Nothing. (Actually, if I could see her, I imagine her expression would say volumes about what she's feeling…but of course, here I am operating in the dark, just exactly where I don't like to be.)
I ignore the nothing, and the helpless feeling that goes with being stuck here in the dark. "I didn't go home with Paula last night because I knew I had someone waiting for me – and Milo was right about how good that really feels, how it changes everything."
"It does?"
"Yes. I mean, maybe if you weren't here, and I don't just mean in D.C., if I'd never met you, I might've gone home with Paula last night – I don't know." All know is that it's too late to start lying to her about that possibility. "But – I don't need her if I've got you – and according to you, I really do get the girl, right?" I need to hear her say it again, just one more time… just to convince myself that after last night she'll be here when I get back…
But Beth doesn't say a word.
"You change your mind about something, there Darlin'?" My tone might be flippant – but inside? Oh fuck me, if she says yes…
Her 'no' is only barely audible.
I let out the breath I was holding – and realize she's not done:
"But – I'm really not reading more into this thing than I know there really is, Sheldon – honestly, I'm not. I know it isn't even much – how could it be, right? We barely know each other and I know I came here without a plan – or even a clue – and I'm sorry – so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like – like I was trying to pressure you into anything. I know – I know I don't have the right to expect anything at all – I really don't expect anything – "
"Beth – I asked you to move in with me. That gives you the right to expect a few things – it gives you the right to expect a little loyalty, at the very least." My Christ – has she really always let men walk all over her, I wonder… If I told her she was right, that I didn't owe her anything, that I was going to just go out and do whatever and there was nothing she could do to stop me – would she really put up with it? Would she really take 'whatever I was willing to give'…?
"Yes."
"Than you've gotta understand that I don't have much to give," I give up. Either she really can read my mind – or I'm as fucking transparent as cellophane. "I can be honest with you about stuff like last night. I can tell you that she kissed me – and it was a fucking shock. But I didn't go home with her. I'm no prize. But you've got me – and – and that's just the way it is. I just need you to believe that." I need you to be the same woman who came out into the snow looking for me – who made me believe in happy endings.
"You wanna hear something funny?"
It doesn't sound like whatever it is, is humerous, per se.
"What's that?"
"My gut kept telling me you weren't going to – you know. It kept telling me to trust you, I just couldn't convince myself that a guy like you could ever really want me, not when you had someone else right there. I mean – it's one thing to take what you think you can get, if what you really want isn't available – but once you figured out that it was, I was just so sure you'd – rather have her. And I wasn't even sure it was her, Paula, but it made sense, with what I kept feeling. I knew it had to be someone close to you. Someone right there, right under your nose. You just had to figure it out for yourself – and once you did – " she shudders – it sounds like she's trying real hard not to start crying. It sounds like she did a lot of that last night after she went to bed. "I'll bet she's beautiful – and sophisticated – and – everything that I'm not."
"When she walks into a room, head's turn," I admit. "But – you have my attention in a way she never did."
Nothing.
But I think I know what she's thinking – she's not going to say it (Beth never would, she's way too gracious). One of us, however, has to. "Even if I could see – you would still have my full attention, Ange." You have my heart and the rest just doesn't matter…
"You – can't be sure – "
I reach out and cup Beth's face with my hand – she almost falls right into me, shaking. "Yes I can," I run my fingers over the contours of her face – her little nose, those high cheek bones and her soft lips... I imagine those green eyes of hers, the blond hair, tanned skin… "You are beautiful," I offer her a smile that I hope conveys all the things I just don't know how to say out loud.
"I am so sorry I didn't trust you. I wanted to – but – when you said I was right about there being someone else – I just – it scared me. I didn't think about anything else you'd said, earlier, I just thought – about how I was right, she was there – and of course you'd want her over me. I thought that even if you hadn't gone home with her – that it was only because – because you had asked me to stay and so you felt – obligated to me. But I don't want loyalty just because you feel obligated. Sex is just sex. It doesn't have to mean anything. I'm really not some virgin mother over here, you know."
"I know," I don't really know, but – yeah. I don't want to know, so I'm just going to take her at her word.
"What I said – what I asked you about really being 'here' – that was really stupid. I know it hurt you. And I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am – I should have just trusted you. Please – I am really so very sorry, Sheldon –"
"It's ok," and this time I think it really is.
"No it's not. I'm sorry."
"Beth – it's ok, you don't have to keep apologizing."
"Sorry – I – sorry," she seems to be completely stumbling over her tongue. "I – I'm not used to being forgiven so easily. I mean – you – do – don't you?" she sounds almost afraid to ask.
"Yes. I should've been more – " more fucking sensitive to how scared I knowyou are too… "I shouldn't've come onto you like that right after dropping it on you that Paula had come onto me. I wasn't thinking of her when I kissed you - I wasn't anywhere but right there, right with you." You are everything I could ever want…
"Does that mean – eventually you might even want to kiss me again?"
She can't be serious – but – I really think she is (she sure sounds it). I pull Beth forward and show her just what a silly question that really is…and oh does it feel good to have her so close. If I wasn't afraid to scare her off again, I really would like nothing more than to make love to every inch of her right here in the kitchen. I want her in ways I can't even begin to express…
Somehow we both miss the sound of approaching footsteps and it's only the sound of a throat clearing that tells me I've been snuck up on by my own daughter. Crap.
"You know, Shelly – seeing something like that first thing in the morning could really scar up my youthful psyche for life."
Oh goodie – not only is she a sneak, she's a smart ass, too. Oh – right – this is my daughter we're talking about. (I think Beth is blushing – just something about the way she pulled back with a little bit of a startled gasp...) I smile in Emma's direction, "Morning to you too, Sunshine." That smile I'm giving her isn't what you'd call a friendly smile – but I'm pretty sure that by now she's not the least bit threatened by my cheerful demeanor. (If I had any doubt, the odd little smirky-snort Em gives me confirms the belief that my daughter isn't the least bit afraid of me. Swell. A little fear might be nice… )
"Maybe I should – think about getting breakfast started," Beth sounds like she's still blushing.
"Count me out," I tell her. "I – have a date."
Now I'm sure Emma's looking at me funny… Beth doesn't say anything. Double crap.
"I had to bump that lunch date to a breakfast," I explain in Beth's direction. "Otherwise I'd have the guy who set it up for me hounding me from now til the cows come home."
"Cows, Shelly?"
Emma's in a mood – I favour her with a bit of a smirk. "I need to talk to you – other room. Now."
She gives me an exaggerated sigh – but as soon as she's got herself a cup of coffee, she marches. I wait until she's gone to return my attention to Beth, "I'm sorry – about missing breakfast. I know it's gotta feel like I'm never going to have any time to spend with you – and there's a lot we still need to talk about – "
"It's ok. I know it's just work. As long as you tell me you're coming back –"
"I'd rather be here than anywhere else."
"You really do mean that, don't you?"
"I – can't exactly say that I don't lie, Ange – just ask anyone, I'm the biggest bullshitter you'll ever meet. But I won't lie to you." Not ever again…
"I'll hold you to that, you know."
"Good," I lean in and press my lips to hers. Hey, somebody has to keep me honest…
I'm not quite sure we're both completely ok, not yet – she's still a little shaky, but I think there's still an us. I think there's a woman right here who really wants me – me for Christ's sake. And she's a woman whose kiss makes the rest of the world vanish around me…
"I'm waiting – " that, of course, is Emma in the next room.
"Remind me to strangle her real damn soon," I mutter at Beth.
She just chuckles and kisses me again, "You ah – you want me to throw some cloths together for you?"
"You wouldn't mind?" I admit it, I'm totally surprised by the offer. I wouldn't have expected – the generosity, even out of an angel.
"Just give me an idea what you need."
I shrug, "Whatever – I'll only be gone a few days."
"So – jeans – t-shirts – guns?"
I can't quite tell if she's being factitious – or if she really just gets me… "Yeah, basic wardrobe. Clean underwear would be nice."
"I'm a mother – clean underwear and socks are a given."
"Yeah. Right. I forget about stuff like that," I lean in and press my lips to hers one more time – I mean, she's less than five inches away, who could resist such a temptation? (I meant what I said about needing to touch her – needing to really force myself to believe she's really real, really here. Really not going anywhere.)
"You'd better go – the 'natives are restless'," Beth tells me then.
And yeah, I the background, I can hear Emma tapping her fingers against the doorframe…
……………
"So what's going on?" Em asks me as we settle ourselves on the sofa.
I'm not quite sure what she's asking about – something tells me she's more aware of what went on last night than I'd like to think. "I've gotta head out of town for a few days," I decide to just go with what I had to say and ignore any teenaged curiosity.
"Where?"
"Can't say," I light up a cigarette – Beth was kind enough to give me her pack to tide me over until I can stop and get some more of my own. "ButI need you to keep an eye on Beth and Cicily for me."
"Shouldn't you be asking Beth to keep an eye on me?"
"I'm asking you to keep an eye on each other," I tell her. "She's got this husband – "
"She's married?"
"They're separated. Very separated." Still not separated enough for me… "He doesn't know where she is – but that doesn't mean he won't find out. So – just – be careful. I get the feeling the guy's a real wing-nut." I don't really want to scare her, but…
"Ok," she sounds kind of dubious.
"They're getting divorced," I'm not sure why, but I feel like I need to clarify the point.
"Ok."
"Em – "
"I just assumed she was single, that's all."
"She left him three years ago and ran all the way to Mexico. As far as I'm concerned, she is single." And a single bullet would solve the problem once and for all…
"Um – can I ask how much of this Cicily knows?"
I shrug, "I'm not sure what Beth's told her – but she told me that Cicily barely remembers her father." And I still wish Beth would just let me handle it my way… it would be so much easier than a divorce… and I suppose while we're on the subject of family, I go ahead and tell my little muffin about my conversation with Eddas regarding her grandparents… "But I've met the old man and I really wouldn't put anything past him, so – just stay on your toes. I'll be getting in touch with this attorney friend of my boss's," I add, just to reinforce that she's really not going anywhere, with anyone.
"Ok," is all Emma says – but sometimes that one word really is enough. "Anything else?"
"It would be nice if you took it easy on Beth while I was gone," I tell her, "You know, none of that Diamanda whatever just as she settles in to take a bath." I swear I came out of the bathroom ready to shoot something when Emma did that to me…
Emma giggles – apparently she finds the memory of that incident a whole fuck of a lot more amusing than I do… but, "I'll play nice," she assures me.
And if she's anything like me, I think it's safe to assume that she will. If she really wanted to get rid of Beth, she wouldn't be able to tease me the way she did about catching us swapping spit. I listen a minute to the rest of the house – but everything is quiet. More importantly, Beth is upstairs packing for me and well out of earshot. "I want you guys to stick around the house as much as possible – and stay together – but ah – the climate in Mexico is a wee bit warmer than it is here, so you think you could help me out and let Beth think she's taking you shopping so I can talk her into getting boots and coats, whatever?"
"As long as you tell me which one of us you're really trying to cajole into new cloths."
Caught with my hand in the cookie jar… "Both of you," I level with her. "I'm not going to tell you how to dress – and I'll tell that to Beth too – but even if I don't entirely trust my lovely sister's assessment of your wardrobe, I'm a little afraid of what your mother let you get away with."
I actually get a little bit of a laugh out of her – and I can let out that breath I was holding. I'm never quite sure how to talk to Em when it comes to her mother – I really don't relate to death the way I'm pretty sure other people do.
"I suppose any opportunity to go to the mall with your blessing is too good to pass up," Emma's still smiling.
My blessing, my ass… "And I can trust that like any good teenager you know where your old man keeps his dough?"
"Dough? Did we suddenly slip back thirty years?"
"Don't get cute."
She laughs. At me.
The fucking joys of parenthood… "And remember – don't open the door for anyone, no matter who they work for or what kind of ID they show you. Stick together – I'll be checking in at least once a day – and I want Beth to get a cell phone of her own."
"Shelly – we'll be fine."
"All right. Just – promise you'll call me if you need anything – or if you see something suspicious, even if it doesn't seem like anything – anything could be something."
"We'll be fine – besides what could you do anyway –?"
Right. "I don't care. Call me if something comes up."
"All right – I'll call. But we'll be fine – and you're just going to be gone a few days, right?"
"I should be back Friday night."
I hear a little bit of silence – then, "Be careful out there, ok?"
I just smile, "I'll be fine, I'm not planning on getting into too much trouble."
I leave Emma to go upstairs to get in a quick shower only to find that Cicily is awake… Beth has already explained that I'm going to be away for a few days (I suppose she had to say something about packing a bag for me) – but I go ahead and tell her myself anyway. There are no tears – but I can tell that she's pretty unhappy about my leaving.
"I'll be back before you know it," I promise. A promise I really am going to keep.
Cicily pulls closer to me (I'm sitting on the bed with her – which just always strikes me as a little weird. I mean, come on, I'm a menace, I'm no good with kids – I don't even like them. But here I am…) "I missed you a lot last night," she says quietly, almost like she doesn't quite want Beth to hear. "Reading with you was my favourite part of bedtime after you came." And I can almost hear the unspoken fear that she's not going to get the chance to read to me any more.Talk about heart-strings getting tugged…
"Tell you what – I'll call tonight – maybe you can read to me a little over the phone before you go to bed."
"Promise?"
"Promise," I give the top of her head a little kiss. I'm really not good with kids – but there is something about this one that gets to me.
"Why don't you go downstairs," Beth suggests quietly. "I'll be there in a minute."
With a parting hug, Cicily lets me go and heads on down…
"Something up?" I inquire.
"I just – wanted a couple of minutes alone with you before you took off for parts unknown."
"Oh?" I try to sound casual – I don't think it's working. (And really, I'm kidding – after last night I don't know if I'm ever going to get off the couch, but we'll just blow that bridge up when we come to it.)
Beth giggles, "Not quite what I had in mind, Cowboy – not that I find the idea objectionable."
"Really?" I'm serious.
"Really." Apparently she realizes it.
I hold my hand out – Beth takes it and I pull her down to the bed next to me, "I do want this," I tell her, pulling her closer, so that she's tucked in next to me. "I want you – I don't quite know how I'm going to pull it off – but there isn't anything I wouldn't do to get the girl."
"I really am sorry about last night. I should have trusted you – should have trusted my instincts –"
I just shake my head and offer up my best Brooklyn accent, "Forged-abod-it, - wattah undah dah bridge," and I get a little bit more of a laugh out of her. (I really would like to know when I turned into a fucking comedian…)
"How can you let me off the hook so easily? I know I hurt you –"
"Shhhh – " I pull her closer. "We're both stumbling through this – trying to figure it out. And I just can't imagine being mad at you, especially while I'm gone." I really don't want to go… but the sooner I get this over with the sooner – what? A white picket fence in the suburbs? Yeah – right. However… "Do – do you think I could ask you to do me a favour? It's pretty big."
"What do you need?"
"I – only have the use of this place through the end of the year. And – I'm – not real good at – I mean, you know – I just go through an agency and rent something furnished and move in and live there for a few months and then I'm gone again. The couple of places that I have that are more long term I'm hardly at anyway – and – well – yeah. You wanna – maybe – " guess Beth isn't the only one who babbles…
"You want me to find you a place to live."
"I want you to find us a place."
Quiet.
"What did you really think I was going to do when Milo's beau came home and wanted his pad back?" Did she think – I'd what? Move out and leave her to fend for herself?
"I was just going to play it by ear – see what happened. I told you – I'm not – I'm just not assuming anything. I came here without a clue or any kind of plan –"
"So how about now you start assuming a couple of things," it isn't really a question.
I hear her hesitate before she asks about just what kinds of things I want her to assume.
"For one, I'll always take care of you, Ange. Both of you. Even if you decide you don't want it to be with me – "
"Sheldon – "
"I just don't ever want you to think that you're stuck with me, ok? I only want you staying here as long as you really want to – " as long as being here with me really makes her happy… Yeah, right, next… but she must like something about me or she wouldn't be here, it's just that fuck if I can figure out what that something might be.
"Being around you does make me happy," Beth says – real softly-like.
She is one freaky lady some days. "I just don't ever want you to feel trapped, that's all. You'll always have a way out if you want it."
"And since I don't want it?"
(I do like the sound of that…) "Since you don't want it – even if I weren't hip deep in shit, I'm really not the person you want finding new digs." I have every confidence that she'll be a whole lot happier in a place she picks out than in anything I'd come up with. I mean, I'm all for the creature comforts, but pretty much four walls and a roof are all I really ever look for. (Just a place to hang my hat…)
"I don't mind doing the looking, but you have to give me some kind of idea what you want," she says – and there's just something about her tone – I can't put my finger on it – but – I'm not sure, she seems awfully hesitant about something.
"I'm going to be stuck in D.C. for a while – so the closer to 'the office' the better." Because even after the worst is over, I have the feeling that it's going to take a while for the dust to really settle. "Just make it somewhere where I won't have to worry about leaving you guys alone – "
"Fort Knox rents rooms?"
"Very funny," although I appreciate the fact that she can keep a sense of humour about her – I just wish I knew why she was so hesitant. I mean it is a big favour, but wherever we end up, she's the one who has to look at the place. (Hell, even when I could see, I wasn't real picky about aesthetics.) "How about sticking around this neighbourhood?" I suggest. "This place is pretty much big enough – area seems quiet – there's that park near by – and it's close to downtown." And Milo asked me not to vanish on him… wonder if having me as a neighbour was what he really had in mind… heh.
But – Beth is back to being quiet.
"Or not –" I shrug – ok, I can't see, maybe there's something hugely objectionable that I wouldn't notice about the neighbourhood. (Which is why I'm trying to leave this decision in her hands – but I keep getting the feeling that even though she's agreed to it, she doesn't really want to do it.)
"Sheldon do you have any idea how expensive this neighbourhood has got to be?"
"Uh – no."
"I don't know for sure – but it can't be cheap."
"But do you like the place?"
"I love it – but that's not really the point – "
"Then what is?"
"I – I'm just trying to get an idea of what you're looking for – " she stops mid-sentence. I know why.
I wave off her 'slip' – it's not what's got me irritated anyway. "House, condo, apartment – it's all the same to me, just pick something close to downtown, ok? Pick a place you won't mind living in for a while – something you like. I'm just not real partial to a lot of stairs – fire place might be nice, though." Curling up with her in front of a fire, a bottle of wine… her buck naked on a bear skin rug… don't care if I can't see it, I could picture it… but oh, wait, I can't see, guess I'd have to feel my way around… yeah, a fire place could be real nice… "Oh – yeah, and wherever we end up, we have to take into consideration Emma's little zoo."
I get almost a laugh – then, "Um – how many bedrooms?" she asks.
"I'll leave that up to you. But I don't think we should ask our offspring to share a room."
"That's not what I'm asking and you know it."
"You're the one who said you didn't want to play house."
"That was – I didn't mean – I just didn't want you to think I'd come here with my head full of stupid ideas. I never – assumed – anything, no matter what you think."
I don't think it would be in my best interest to point out that she came up here assuming plenty of things, it's just that none of them were good… "The only thing I have to say – well, two things really – one, is that I won't force the issue. My ass will stay on the sofa until you invite me into the bedroom – I have never, ever forced myself on anyone, even if I did get a little over aggressive last night. I didn't mean to – it's just – you are really irresistible," and I'm only half teasing.
She laughs just a little, "I really didn't mind. I just – I got scared – that made me stupid – and I really am sorry."
Well, I'm the one who brought up last night, so I can't get mad at her for apologizing again. "It's ok – but the other thing I wanted to say is don't expect me to be able to keep my hands to myself if you ask me to share the bed with you. I wanted to make love to you the first time we kissed, and if Milo hadn't been standing out on your veranda waiting for me, I would have, too, right there in your hall – if you'd've let me. I would have given almost anything for just a couple of hours more with you that night."
"You could barely walk."
"Hey, I didn't say it was one of my brightest ideas, there Ange."
"No – but – I would have enjoyed it very much if you had had a couple more hours to spend with me that night."
Ok, sounds like an invitation… I brush her hair out of the way and kiss the back of her neck, very gently – I really do love the little sounds she makes, especially when I start nibbling. And just as I'm starting to almost get a little carried away, I hear the clock chiming down stairs, reminding me that there's somewhere I have to be, real damn soon.
"I know – you have another 'date'," she pulls away gently, before I have a chance to say anything.
(Beth doesn't sound upset, but…) "Marcus isn't the kinda guy to go sticking his nose into other people's shit. If he's worried enough to arrange a 'date' between me and his daughter – she's an attorney – " I add quickly.
"I caught part of that yesterday. What's he worried about?"
"He doesn't think I should trust Eddas. Milo says she's for real. They're both men whose judgment I value – so it's kinda like being stuck between the Devil and the deep blue sea. If I make the wrong choice – I'm screwed."
"What does your gut tell you?"
I roll over onto my back – I really do need to get my ass in gear, but damn it, I like being here. I'm comfortable – happy, even given that last question she asked me. "Beth – my instincts betrayed me big time – I'm having a hard time trusting them again. But I'd welcome any insight from my favourite p-syhic." (Yes, I pronounced the 'p'.)
She chuckles softly at me (although if I did believe in that voodoo-hocus-pocus stuff, I might find some irony in the fact that between us, we still have ten senses, it's just divided up six and four instead of an even fifty-fifty.) I feel her readjust herself a little on the bed – and then I feel her running her fingers through my hair. It's a very pleasant sensation.
"I only talked to Marlina Eddas for a few minutes on the phone yesterday," Beth tells me – her tone is thoughtful. "But I really do think she's 'for real.' I just don't want you to trust her on my feelings alone – it's not an exact thing, I'm not always right. Besides, you really have to learn to trust yourself again, Cowboy."
And of course I know Beth is right, I'm just not sure I know how to do it. "Eddas has more to gain from working with me than screwing me over. But Marcus seemed convinced that she'd screw me royally. He's been in D.C. for years, so if anyone would know about her and the DOJ it's him – except that Milo's boy works in her office and she and my little Sugar Butt seemed awful chummy – so it's hard to imagine she'd screw him over by screwing me over. Except how do I trust someone when I can't look anyone in the eyes? How do I trust anyone when, even when I could still look someone in the eyes, I still missed – everything – ? I could see – but I still didn't see it coming."
"I think – I think you let yourself be blindsided by a manipulative and dangerous woman – a duplicitous woman. I think you got screwed over by the people you trusted to warn you about things like that – the people who set you up. They knew you'd believe them if they told you she was ok."
"I still should have seen it coming." I don't mean for that to come out as rancorous as it does – but Beth seems to understand – or at the very least, she lets me rant. "I just shouldn't have ever let my guard down like that. I was thinking with the wrong fucking head – and look what it got me."
"Sheldon – you said you had this woman checked out and it came back that she was ok. And – I kind of don't think that this guy who betrayed you like that had any idea what was really going to happen to you."
"You aren't honestly suggesting that I shouldn't want to see Collins hanging high, are you?"
"I'll never judge you."
My turn to give her nothing. I really need her to answer this question…
"I think this guy Collins broke the law – broke your trust. And I think you'd be surprised by what I really think ought to happen to him."
"Care to share?"
Beth leans in and brushes her lips against mine, very lightly, "It really might be too much for you if you ever noticed that it's a pair of horns holding up that halo – and the white feathers are held on by scotch tape."
I return her kiss, running my fingers lightly over her face – I let my touch wander into her hair, "Sorry, Ange – no horns," and I wonder if she'll ever figure out just how much I need her...
"Go take your shower," Beth says several long (wonderful) moments later – she's still so close I can feel her lips moving against mine. "I'll call you a cab."
I feel her start to sit up and catch her by the arms, "Let me ask you something first – ?" I at least try to make it sound like a question.
"Hmm?"
"What – why are you so good – why do you take care of me like this?"
"You said you minored in psychology – what do you think?"
She's not really trying to be coy – I think she just wonders if I've figured it out for myself. "I think you said it the other night – you need to feel useful. I think youneed to be needed."
"That's why I went into medicine," she confirms my suspicions.
"And it's why you keep ending up with all the worst men." Men like me…
"Not all of them have been like Neal, Cowboy. I've made a couple of good decisions along the way. Like you."
"I'm not a good guy, Ange."
"And I'm not an angel," she leans in and kisses my cheek, very softly (I swear, her kisses turn my insides to jello.)
Downstairs, the clock chimes again… damn. "Would you give Tonto a call too?" I ask as she gets up.
"Tonto?"
"Ryan Moss – Eddas idea of a practical joke, I think."
"Oh?"
"I'm not sure, but the boy just might be as far removed from yours truly as it is humanly possible to get."
"Um – hmmm."
She doesn't sound convinced – but I really don't have time to discus the finer points of my assistant's personality – as the white rabbit once said, I'm late! "His number's in my phone – could you ask him to swing by here and pick up my bag on his way into the office – ?"
"You're going to make that poor boy earn every penny of his salary, aren't you?"
I favour her with a bit of a smirk, "So I'll send him a fruit basket." And – I head into the bathroom to take my shower. I end up standing under the hot water for a lot longer than I have time for – but I've got a lot to think about and it's not all pleasant…
Trust my instincts, she says… and I know she's right. I have to learn to trust myself again, or I really will end up a dead man.