Thank you for all the reviews, I hope everyone had a happy holiday! My wonderful husband "fed my habit" this year – I got Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow, Finding Never Land, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the 2 disk set) from him. Is that a good man or what…?
Chapter Forty One:
The Sword of Damocles
I wake to the smell of coffee brewing and Beth softly humming in the kitchen. I swear, I don't remember her getting up and leaving me, but I feel my face and the mask is securely in place so I guess one of us must have put it there because my last clear memory is of lying there 'naked' and the way she just doesn't seem to mind looking at me like that. I don't think that that will ever cease to amaze me. I just wish I didn't have this thing hanging over my head. I wish I didn't have something to tell her, something that just might make her hate me… but take what you can get, when you can get it, right? Take what you can and just enjoy the shit out of it for all it's worth… and there aren't too many ways I'd rather wake up than to the sound of my angel humming in the next room over. I lay there and listen to her for a while until the craving for nicotine and caffeine finally drives me from the sofa.
"Morning, Cowboy," Beth says to me as I enter the kitchen. Sounds like she's working on breakfast there by the stove – I don't think anyone else is up, though – the rest of the house is real quiet. Ticking clock in the hall – the sound of the thermostat kicking in – yeah. Quiet. Normal. I could really get used to this… if she lets me. If she doesn't run away…
I wrap my arms around Beth's waist from behind – she responds by making this little sighing sound and easing back into me. I'm so not used to this. I'm used to just fucking and then splitting long before morning… I'm used to having my fun (and delivering up a good go of it in return, thank you) and then – life moves on. Take what you can when you can get and then just move along... But – here I am, holding onto an angel. I can't help myself, I nibble at the back of her neck, and I really dig the little noises makes, the way she backs further into me, her back arching just a little…
"You know, if you actually want to eat breakfast, you need to cut that out," Beth squirms in my grasp, freeing herself from me without actually pulling away; she turns a little and I feel her lips on mine. It's just a soft little kiss – but damn does it feel good. I'm reminded of that first morning she was here. I pull her closer and just hold her. I'm so afraid… I just want to enjoy this for all it's worth… but just please don't let her be so angry with me when I explain that she runs away…
"Everything ok?" Beth asks me then; I feel her brushing the hair out of my face. She knows something's wrong, I know she does…
"Everything's fine," I lie. I hate this. But – I grab my smokes, pour myself a cup of coffee and take Spencer outside to do his thing – and let me tell you, it is fucking freezing out here. I'm in my robe and socks – but damn, I should have grabbed my coat. Fortunately Spencer doesn't seem to like the cold much either – he's ready to come in, in record time.
I hear the shower turn on upstairs – sounds like it's coming from the 'guest' bath – so that must be Emma. Sounds like Cicily is up and moving around too. The clock chimes eight times… what would I even do with myself if she left?
If Beth is unhappy (or even relieved) about holding off on telling Cicily about them staying, she gives no indication. She's warm and lingers near me – I even feel her foot brush up against mine under the table and I'm real sure it's no accident. So for a little while, I let myself forget about what it is I have to tell her and just enjoy the morning for what it is. I stop trying to figure out my next move, if I find her gone tomorrow morning and just – take this morning and pretend that it's all there is… what else can I really do? If she's going to go then she's going to go and there's nothing I can do to stop her.
After breakfast, I grab a quick shower and get dressed (Cicily follows me upstairs to help me pick out a t-shirt – I ask her to find the one Emma got for me.)
"Sheldon, I don't understand what this one means," she tells me, as I come out of the bathroom (in my bathrobe, yes, thank you, duh. I'm very conscious of the fact that there are young females running around.)
"Which one's that?" I ask – the one Emma got me is pretty clear, although I kinda hope I don't have to explain it to her… well, there are any number of things I can say, like people are more dangerous than animals, yeah, that's a good line…
"It says 'I'm with stupid' – and has a hand with the finger pointing down."
Oh fuck. "Um – yeah." Of fuck me but good, how do I get out of this one…
"I've seen the shirts that say 'baby' with an arrow pointing to the mommy's belly – and I've seen ones that say I'm with stupid, but they point to the left or right – but why does yours point down?"
Ok, maybe it was a bad idea to let Cicily help me get dressed… "Um – boys – men – are sometimes – um – dumb. That's all it means." Please let her buy it…
"But why does the finger point down?"
"Because – well, it's two dimensional, right, so it can't really point at the person wearing it can it?"
"But Mama says you should never call anyone stupid, not even yourself. La Senoria Coranado says the same thing. She's my teacher, at school. Roberto Ortega came in wearing a shirt that said 'Estoy con el estúpido' with an arrow pointing left and she made him turn it inside out because she said it was rude."
"Well, she's right – and so's your mother. But – well – I'm a guy and sometimes guys are dumb so we do things – or buy things – that – that maybe we shouldn't. Just like your friend Roberto."
"He's not my friend. He picks on me and pulls my hair."
"Well – " Ok, I can't go beat up on some seven year old… it's barely a fair fight when I'm dealing with adults. "What does La Senora do about that?"
"She makes him sit in the corner – or go see El Senor Tomaz – that's the principal. He's real mean – he carries a big wooden paddle. But he's never had to use it on me. I still don't like him though."
"How come?"
"He never smiles. And he made Mama real mad once."
"Oh?" This has my curiosity piqued…
"I don't know what he said to her – but he said something that wasn't nice – I could tell. I always know when someone makes Mama mad, the corners of her mouth frown and eyes get all angry looking. She only got that made at me once – I sneaked out all night."
"That probably scared her." I can only begin to imagine…
"Yeah, that's what she said too."
"You know – you shouldn't sneak out like that. Mexico isn't a real safe place for pretty little girls."
Cicily giggles, "It wasn't in Mexico. We were in Arizona – and I didn't go far and I wasn't alone, my friend Yarrow was twelve – but we were gone all night and her Mama got pretty mad too. We were both grounded forever."
Forever huh… I wonder how long forever really was… but, "No where is safe for pretty little girls to go off on their own," I tell Cicily. "And you know never to go off with strangers, right?"
"You were a stranger – but now you're my friend – right?"
"Of course I'm your friend," I tell her, wondering where that came from. "But – look that's just different, ok?"
"How is it different?"
"Hermano's a friend of yours, right?"
"Right."
"And he brought me to your house so your mother could help me," fuck if I'll ever understand why, though. I'd already given the kid all the money I had on me – but he still came back to get me when it was all over…
"So you and Hermano are friends, too?" Cicily inquires.
"Yeah – sort of. It's complicated – just promise me you'll never talk to any strangers, ok?"
"Ok."
Thank goodness that's settled… "Why don't you head on downstairs so I can get dressed – "
"Do you need any more help?"
"I think I've got it from here, thanks."
And I'm just a little caught off guard when she hugs me – I mean, I really am a fucking menace, right? So could you please tell me why this kid seems to like me so much… but you know I'm hugging her back. This could be the last time and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to stop thinking about that… and … it really hurts…..
…..When I get downstairs, I tell Beth that I need to make a quick stop in at the office before the museum – I don't offer up an explanation and she doesn't press for one. Somehow that just makes it worse…
… She and the girls wait in the cab while I run up – I won't be long, I promise them…
And I'm not real surprised to find Eddas in her office already, despite the fact that it's barely ten a.m.
"I didn't expect to see you so early," she says by way of greeting. Although she follows that up by telling me that the coffee I'm smelling is fresh and I'm welcome to help myself.
"Thanks – but I'm just stopped by for a few minutes – I'll be back in later to actually get to work."
"So to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" I'm pretty sure she's smiling – I listen to Eddas get up and get her own cup of coffee.
I just smirk in her general direction, "Couple of things, there Boss Lady. One is I need the condo swept for bugs. Sooner rather than later would be just swell, too."
"I can arrange that – do you think – Milo's involvement – ?"
I shake my head, "Doubt it. The CIA wouldn't have known I was even back in D.C. until I showed at Spook Central with you, and he was long gone by then. Far as I know, they were writing me off as dead – so unless anyone back at Langley can make the connection between him and the owner of that condo –"
"No," she assures me.
Yeah, that's kinda what I thought. Milo is as paranoid as I am – doubly so when it comes to his sexuality. Can't really say I blame him – I mean, I know this is 2003, but just look at the current administration… the CIA might not care, but there are plenty of people here on the ol' Hill who do, o it's no wonder Milo wants to retire.
He'll still have to be careful, and I'm not talking about the fact that he likes boys, just the particular boy that he happens to like. Because, yeah, it could look a might suspicious there, him spending all that quality time with a lead investigator in Eddas' office… But at least he won't be the first person the boys back at Langley look to when they think they smell a rat, not with me and my spiffy new job at the DOJ. (And I have the feeling Mitchel will be looking real hard for any way to hang me high for this little 'stunt' I'm pulling.) So, I guess it all works out… "The other thing is – well, Merry Christmas," I offer up a truly mischievous grin and hand over the package that Paula slipped to me last night. "I know it's a little early and I'm sorry it's not wrapped, but me and scissors and tape – probably not the best combination, if you know what I mean – "
Eddas pretty much ignores my smart-assedness, and takes the 'package' from my hand. "What is it?"
"If my source isn't lying to me – and I don't think they are – it really looks like ol' St. Nick came by early this year – and apparently you've been a very good little girl."
"Sands – "
I just continue to smirk. "Micro chip inside. Enough information to clear my 'good name' – but more interestingly, proof that there really is some kind of conspiracy to off my old friend El Presidente – and it was hatched pretty high up, right here in D.C."
"How high?"
"Pennsylvania Avenue high."
"Who's your source?"
"Sorry, Boss. I gave my word," I tell her seriously.
There's a brief moment of silence on Eddas' end. Then, "All right. I can respect that – although your source had better have covered their tracks – and ass – because I'm sure they knew what you were going to do with this – ?"
"Yeperrooni. And – I think the individual in question should be able to cover their tracks – and ass." She had a Hell of a good teacher, after all…
"All right. I'll get someone on this right away – you'll be back in later?"
"After three," I confirm. "But – I kinda promised three ladies a trip to the museum this morning."
"You know – I never would have pegged you as the – family man – type." Eddas says – her tone is – hmmm, mildly amused, but still carefully guarded. I think she's fishing – but trying to do it real fucking carefully. I think I'm honestly confusing here – and this time I'm not even doing it on purpose.
I just give her one of my more charming little smiles, "Me either, Boss Lady, me either." And – I just hope it lasts. I hope I can convince Beth that it wasn't – real. Yeah. Right. I kissed Paula. I liked it. It does occur to me (again) that maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and not tell her about that stupid kiss. It didn't mean anything (even if I did enjoy it)… but I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I can keep on keeping my mouth shut… So I bid Eddas a fond adieu (in those words exactly, just to keep her guessing) with the promise that I'll be back later…
… Now, if you've ever been to the Smithsonian, you know that it's something you can't just take in, in a single day. The place is just that monstrously fucking huge and I swear they really do have a little bit of everything here.
So for just a little while I think I'll try to enjoy myself here… right. Every third guy whose voice I hear sounds just like Dan fucking Collins. Yeah, it's just jumpy nerves and I know it. Even if he's heard that it was me who broke into his storage unit, I doubt he'd think to look for me at the Smithsonian. And even if he did find me here, I know the CIA is tailing me – maybe the feebs, too. Collins might be a fuckmook and a moron, but he won't do anything stupid, not with witnesses like that. I mean, sure, the Company men tailing me might be on Suarez's payroll – but I doubt she got to the feebs, even if it really does go up to the White House, no one up there knows that there tree's about get shook but good; if they did, we'd be playing a different ballgame… yeah, I'm still edgy as Hell. I need this shit to be over with already. I want that life I've been thinking about the last couple of days. I want Beth to understand, to forgive me and to give me the happily ever after she promised… I want a lot and I know it. I want it all…
But first things first, and the first thing we go look at are the dinosaurs. That's Cicily's idea of course. After that, Emma wants to see some of the costuming and textiles. Then we just meander around, letting the girls look at whatever they feel like. Beth walks with me, continually assuring me that she can still see them. (I can hear them up ahead, chatting to one another, but I like it that someone can see them, too. I wish I could relax and really enjoy this…)
…"You're not doing a very good job of taking it easy," Beth tells me, some hours later when we stop to sit down for a bit, while the girls head into the gift shop. It takes me a few seconds to ease myself into a sitting position. I keep forgetting that it really was just a month ago that I got myself all shot full of holes.
"I'm ok," I lie a little. Mostly I am ok… but… I suppose this is as good a time as any for that talk I just don't want to have… and I guess that means I'm not really very ok at all. I fold up the cane and set it next to me… I'm stalling… "Ange – there's – there's something we need to talk about." I don't quite turn my face away from her when I say, but… yeah. Please just let her understand…
"What's up?" I can hear the smile in Beth's voice – and it's fucking killing me that I'm about to take that smile away. If there was any way I could not tell her I would… but even I can't just keep pretending it never happened.
"I – it's about last night. I um – I let you believe nothing happened on that little walk I took with Paula. But – I – that's not really exactly quite true."
I hear her breathe in – and out. "I know." Her voice is – quiet. Cold. Real cold.
"You know?"
"I don't know what I know – but I know something. I knew it the minute you came in."
"So why – why did you say you'd believe me if I said nothing happened?" Because, you fuckmook, it was a test. It was a test and you failed …
"I kept telling myself that I was feeling the way I was feeling because I'd seen you walk off with her. I kept thinking something was wrong – but – but the things I feel – I can be wrong. I've been wrong, specifically about you – – us."
(And I do not like the way she hesitated there, before she said 'us'.)
"So I thought that maybe my imagination was just running away with me. I promised myself that I'd just wait without jumping to anything. I figured I'd ask you what happened and if you told me that nothing happened, I'd believe you. No matter how – scared – I was, I'd believe you."
"You really did believe that nothing happened, didn't you?" I ask. I mean, I never said that nothing happened… but a lie of omission is still a fucking lie, and just a few days ago I told her I'd never lie to her. And… and it sounds like something inside her is crumbling apart…
"Yes. I knew something was wrong – but – I figured that whatever it was – you'd tell me. Or – or maybe it was just something that I didn't need to worry about, something that'd happened while you were away. I took what you said – and – I guess I just read into it what I wanted to hear. What you wanted me to hear."
"I'm sorry." What else can I say? She trusted me. I betrayed that trust. And now – now she's breaking because no matter what she says, I know how fragile my angel really is.
"I told you I'd take whatever you were able to give me, Sheldon. I just wanted to know where I really stood with you, that's all. I was willing to take whatever role you wanted to put me in, even if it was just nurse – or maybe friend with fringe benefits – I could've been happy with that –"
"I know. But that isn't what I want out of this. It's not what I want out of you; I don't want you to just sit back take whatever someone dishes up. You deserve more than that – you deserve the world." And I want to be the guy who gives it to you... but I'm not real sure she'd believe that right now. Maybe if I really loved her, I would just let her go… that's what they say, right? If you love someone, you let them go… but I'm just a selfish prick. I can't let her go… but maybe I should…
"So – that's why you wanted to put off talking to Cicily?" she asks, real quietly.
"I meant everything I told you last night, Beth. It wasn't just some fucking song and dance number to convince you that nothing happened. And – really – nothing did happen."
"Something happened."
Yeah. Something happened. "Paula asked me to kiss her and I did – but it was nothing."
"Maybe we need to start by defining words like nothing," she's almost laughing – but I'm fucking well aware that there are tears hiding behind that laugh. I don't need eyes to see what I'm doing to her.
"It was a ruse – a distraction, that's all. It was nothing."
"A distraction for what?"
"She slipped me something," ok, that could have come out better... but right now, I'm not sure it matters. I'm not sure anything I say is going to matter – but I guess I have to at least try… "I handed it over to Eddas this morning, that's why I needed to go into the office before we came here. Beth, if Paula gave me what I really believe she gave me – it's more than just her career on the line, here. She stuck her neck out on this, and she did it to help me. Beth, this is exactly the stuff Eddas has been looking for – "
"You could have told me that, I would have understood."
I want to reach out and touch her – I want to hold her and never let go – I want to say all the things I really don't have words for… but I'm afraid that touching her will only make it worse, so I keep my hands right where the are. (It hasn't escape me that I've hurt the woman I swore that I'd never let anyone ever hurt again… yeah, I'm a fucking menace all right. Maybe I should come with a warning label.) "I'm sorry. It's – it's all I've got and – I'm sorry, but if the condo is bugged – you don't understand what Paula's done here. She's upsetting the apple cart, shaking the tree – and she's doing it even though I didn't go home with her the other night." She's doing it even though she has absolutely no reason to.
"Did she ask you to go home with her last night?"
"No. Even if she had, I wouldn't have gone. You are all that I want. I know I'm asking a lot when I ask you to believe that – but – but you're it." Yeah, like I'd fucking believe me if was sitting where she is right now… like anyone should ever fucking believe a word I have to say. This whole thing was just one big mistake. Milo should have never sent her to me – I was ready to walk away. I was ok with walking away – now – now walking away is going to fucking kill us both. Guess the Good Bard got that one wrong – it's not better to have… yeah… and lost than to never have had it at all, because I just don't want to go back to my old life… but what choice do I have? And I realize that Beth hasn't said a word in a good long while here… "Ange?" I begin tentatively.
"I – I think there really are some things we need to talk about before we get any more carried away than maybe we've – I've – let things get." Her tone is cool. Detached.
"Beth – I know how it must seem – " but Paula isn't the first woman I've kissed 'in the line of duty' – oh yeah, that would go over just swell… "It really isn't what it sounds like it is."
"It sounds like you did something because you felt you had to. It sounds like there wasn't anything attached to it. Am I getting it so far?"
"Yeah." Only she sounds so fucking cold… and honestly, do you blame her? "She was acting like we were being watched," I add – but really, how much of a defense is that?
"So it is what it sounds like. And I understand why you didn't tell me. I'm hurt, but I understand you didn't think you could, just in case someone was listening in. You couldn't – make things bad for her because she's helping you."
Only somehow when Beth says it, it sounds like I betrayed her trust for Paula's sake… "I'm sorry."
"And I accept that apology, I really do."
Yeah. I'm not really believing that… I'm not blaming her either. This was all fucking yours truly. Guess I was right when I told Cicily that guys just do dumb things sometimes. "So – now what?" I ask her. I don't want to hear the answer, but I have to. I have to know if there's anything left to salvage or if – if I just have to go back to what I used to be. (If I have to explain to my daughter just what a fucking screw up her old man really is – because I'm sure Emma will have some words for me. She really does seem to like Beth and Cicily both.)
"There are some things we need to talk about, Sheldon. They're the same things I told you we needed to talk about last night. It's stuff you need to hear before really making any decisions about – everything. Anything. I should – I should have brought it all up sooner but I just got so carried away, so swept up in the moment – and I'm sorry about that. You deserve better."
"Beth – "
"I'm going to go collect the girls – we'll go home. You said you needed to get some work done. You and I can talk later, when finish up whatever it is you have to do."
(I really cannot interpret her tone here, and I really fucking hate that. I'm sure that if I could just look into her eyes I'd know what she was thinking, if she hates me or if she's really willing to forgive me. But I can't look into her eyes, all I have is my ears and right now they're not telling me if she's really going be there when I get back or if this is just a tactic to get away from me as quickly as possible.)
"Do you think you'll be late?" She asks me in that same impossible tone.
"Probably."
"I'll wait up."
"Beth – " her hand on my arm stops me before I can say more. I never asked Holly not to walk out on me. I never told her what it would do to me to lose her. I never told her I needed her – or that I loved her. I've never really wondered if any of that would have made a difference until right now… I become aware of Beth is leaning in – her lips brush my cheek, very, very softly and I really can't tell if it's a 'yes there's hope' or a good-bye kiss. A good-bye forever kiss… I wish I knew if I even need to bother coming home after work, or if I should just go check myself into the nearest watering hole. (Don't give me that look – I know I fucking buried myself here. If I go get myself good and piss-drunk, Em can take care of herself. She's fifteen. She's a big girl – just go ask her yourself if you don't fucking believe me.)
"I'm hurt," Beth tells me softly, as if she's doing that mind reading thing of hers again. "But I understand why you didn't think you could tell me last night. I understand that you needed to be able to tell me why you kissed her someplace you were sure no one was listening. I understand that you did what you had to do – said what you had to say – to protect her."
"Ange – I would never chose Paula over you," because that's just exactly what she's making it sound like I did do. (And ok, maybe she's right…) "I swear, I would never choose anyone over you," if you just give me a chance here…
"We'll talk when you get home."
Does that mean she'll really be there…?
"Walking out on you would hurt more than just living with what happened."
Oh Christ – but even with that said, there was something in her tone just then that – yeah, walking out might hurt more, but I wonder if she's really going to be able to live with me, knowing that she can never fully trust me… "I don't want to lose you, Beth. I know I screwed up – but if you let me – I can fix it."
"There's nothing to fix. You can't undo something once it's been done. It's over – all either of us can do is move on from right here."
"You know I meant it when I said I would do anything to really get the girl – "
"Sheldon – it's getting late. You have work to do – and I should get the girls home and get dinner going. I told you – I'll wait up. We can finish this when you get home."
"I'll try not to be late."
"You can be as late as you need to be. I'll wait for you."
And – maybe – I think – I might just possibly have heard something that sounded a little bit like hope just then… or maybe I just imagined it because I don't want to lose her… please don't let me lose her... I know I screwed up, but Iwill do anything I have to, to fix this... I love her. I love them both.
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"Answer"
I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you
Why take the time in the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out you'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
And break choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Because I can only tell you that I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out you'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
- Sarah McLachlan
…………………………………………………………
Here area a few of songs that I missed from the list, last chapter:
By the Corrs:
Long Night
By Staind:
Home
By Sinead O'Conner
Jackie
And I referenced I Am A Rock by Simon and Garfunkle
HAPPY NEW YEAR!