Ok, I know this is a really short chapter – but it should answer at least a couple of those burning questions… Thanks again to everyone for the reviews and awesome compliments! I really appreciate it.

Chapter Forty Four:

Broken

Emma steps closer to me – even without eyes, I can tell how scared she is.

And there's nothing I can say to make her less scared. All of my attention has got to be focused now – focused like it hasn't been the last few days. Focused like it should have been.

See – that's what happened. I took my eyes – so to speak – off the prize. I let myself get distracted – and – because of me – because of me – because of me… mon ange… mon belle ange… I got sloppy and she paid the price.

"So how's about it Jeffy – how's about a peek at the good doctor's handiwork – I hear he's a real genius. Or he was."

Oh fuck me, not in front of Emma…

Does Collins even know who she is…?

Milo does. I wonder who he's told… fucking bastard. I trusted him. I really, really trusted him.

Why the fuck haven't I learned by now that you just can't fucking trust anybody… friendship is a luxury guys like me just don't have… (there's a part of my brain reminding me that Milo could be dead somewhere… if he is, I guess I'll owe him an apology the next time we meet, because even if he didn't sell me out, nice guy or not, there's only one place guys like us end up. Only thing I know for sure is that Collins will be there ahead of me – but not before I make him hurt.)

With a nice easy motion I reach up and slip the glasses down, giving Collins a good gander at what's not there. I hate doing this to Em – but the sometimes the only way out is through – and the only way to get through this is to go along.

"Well I'll be damned," Collins let's out a low whistle.

Next to me Em is real still. Real quiet. Real scared.

"That has got to just be the most fucked up thing I've ever seen," Collins continues.

"It is, ain't it?" I reply, sliding the glasses back into place; I allow a bit of a smirk to play across my lips. I'm taking in everything – I can smell the sweat on Collins' brow – what's he anxious about, I wonder? I can smell the gunpowder – the scent of a gun recently fired. But. Yeah. That's not exactly a shock. Like I said. I know.

"Rumour has it you were awake the whole time – that true?" Collins wants to know.

He's stalling – what the fuck is he stalling for? "Yeperooni, Scout. The whole God damned time."

"Man – that musta put you even further over the edge than you were already."

I shrug, "From where I'm standing it all looks about the same."

He just laughs, "Yeah, I'll bet it does. Still doesn't seem to have cramped your style much – how'd you like your little visit to the Long Horn State?"

"Wasn't there long enough to do any sight seeing. Food sucked though."

"You ah – find everything ok?"

"Just fine. You're too easy to figure out."

"So where is it?"

"Haven't you heard?"

"I heard some crazy-ass rumour that you'd gone over to the side of the angels."

Breathe. Just fucking breathe. I know what the fuck he really means – and he doesn't know enough to know that he's baiting me, at least not with that. Even if he was, I'd never rise to it. "I'm not sure anyone's ever called the Boss an angel before – but I'll be sure to let her know someone thinks she's one."

"You expect to be talkin' to her again so soon, Jeffy?"

"You're an armature."

"You really think so? From where I'm standing it looks like you're a dead man."

I just smirk, "People've been telling me that for years. Besides, a pro wouldn't be standing here jabber-jawing. A pro would have taken me out by now. You're stalling. Waiting for back up maybe?"

"You're slick, I'll give you that. We are waiting – but it ain't for backup. I don't need any help to take you out."

"So what are we waiting for?"

"De Jesus. He wants to handle you personally."

"Right here in D.C. – I think that boy's standing in a North West wind," I smirk a little more – Collins doesn't get the reference. It doesn't stop him from flapping his gums, though.

"You'd be surprised how high his connections go, Jeff. Ain't nobody can touch him – not here and not in Mexico. You finally bit off more than you could chew."

"Is that why you signed on to his little bandwagon?"

"Hey, it's better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, right?"

"De Jesus isn't going to let a little turd like you rule anywhere. You're nothing but a two-bit son of a prick he can use to do his dirty work. Hell – he probably sent you in here alone so I could take you out for him because you aren't worth his time."

(I hear Emma swallow hard next to me – she's really, really terrified… She should be; I'm playing one fuck of a dangerous game here.)

"You don't know shit," Collins tells me – there's a real edge in his voice. I hit that little nerve I was aiming for dead on.

"I know more than you do – especially after my little panty raid in your underwear drawer, there, buddy boy." Yeah, I'm bluffing… I didn't get shit from there that was interesting – but I get the feeling he thinks I did. "You slipped up. You're predictable. Easy. Expendable."

"All right – I've had it with your mouth – shut the fuck up – now."

I just keep on smirking, "How long we gonna keep up this little stand off before you realize there ain't no one coming – you've been set up. They knew what I'd do to your ass – that's why De Jesus and Suarez sent you in alone. One man to handle the crip – the crip who took out three armed gunmen – and one little bitch – the same day he got his fucking eyes drilled out of his head. You are a dead man."

I can almost hear his blood pressure rising… and there it is, what I was waiting for, that faint rustle of clothing as he shifts position. See, I know that Danny-boy there just cannot stand to be contradicted in any way, or to have his authority challenged. (Needless to say, there's a reason we never got along. It probably doesn't help that at least half of my little guesswork is probably right on. He was set up the same way I was, set up to get taken down. No sweat. I'll oblige De Jesus on this one. I'll put it on his fucking tab… )

Collins moves (I'm assuming to crack me one across the face) – but I'm moving faster. Emma screams as the gun goes off – I'm pretty damned sure it's just a reaction to the shot because she's to my left and I shoved his arm to the right and up – and remember what I said about people not giving us crips enough credit? I can guarantee that Collins never saw it coming… I put all my weight behind me as I push him up against the nearest wall, slamming him face first into the plaster. Why, I do believe that's the sound of a nose breaking I just heard… but just for good measure, I yank his head back and ram it in a second time, real hard (gonna owe someone some new drywall here) and twist his arm around behind his back until I hear a nice little snap followed by a grunt of pain. I can smell the blood, copper and salt…

(I think I hear some vaguely muffled sobs behind me, but… Collins. Dan fucking Collins. And my angels… I really can almost see them, even though I never really knew what they looked like… golden hair and green eyes, soft, warm skin tanned from the Mexican sun… beautiful… just beautiful… mother and daughter… sweet innocence… and the scent of orange, soft musk and flowers. The scent of angels. Yeah, time for this fuckmook to pay up… he's babbling at me too, but frankly I'm just not listening to anything coming out of his mouth.)

I give Collins a good shake to keep him from passing out on me and pull him around so that he's facing me. Collins' face is covered in thick warm moisture – yep that nose is broken all right – and – there. That's what I was looking for.

An eye.

Nice and slow, I press my thumb into his eyeball while he squirms under me; those babblings are starting to sound just a wee bit more desperate there – more panicked – yeah, he's knows I'm not farting around here –

"Jeff! That's enough! You'll kill him!"

"That's the idea, Hot Lips – nice of you to join the party, though." Yeah, that's Paula all right – sounds like she just got in the door. By the time she's taken two more steps, Collins is howling. "Hurts, doesn't it?" I growl into his ear. "It's gonna hurt a whole lot more by the time we're through, Danny-Boy." Even to me, my voice sounds foreign – feral. I'm less than a hair's breath away from loosing it – and you know, it kinda feels good…

"I said ease off!" Paula grabs my shoulder – but she has brights enough not to actually force the issue, not to try and pull me off him. She knows how close I am to jumping into that abyss – how easily I could turn on her or anything else that gets in my way. Yeah, guys like me don't 'go over the edge', we fucking jump feet first… swan dive… tap dance all the way to the big finale… and under my thumb, I feel a satisfactory pop and this little gush of goo, and pull my thumb back quick before actually penetrating bone. Yeah, I could kill him right now, it would be fucking easy. Too fucking easy – Collins doesn't deserve any kind of easy… (oh yeah, there's a fuck of a lot of screeching going on under me – but – well, that's become background noise by this point.)

"Jeff, for Christ's sake, your kid is watching you!" Paula hisses in my ear.

Kid.

Emma.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I listen to Collins shriek for another couple of seconds – and then pull myself back from the edge. Collins isn't worth my time.

But I'm real satisfied by the thump he makes when he hits the floor.

"I've got it from here," Paula tells me – but I'm not really moving.

That numb feeling is going away… and I really do not like what's replacing it… it's this kind of empty sort of thing… it's like – it's like there's just nothing there, nothing inside… hollow… it's cold, but it's not numb. It hurts. It hurts too much to even move.

"Jeff – I've got Collins – go – take care of your daughter."

What is Paula doing here…? I mean – I remember her coming in – but what is she doing here? I need that numb feeling to come back so I can fucking think straight.

I feel Paula shoving something at me – cloth – a hankie?

"Clean off your hands," she hisses quietly, "And go take care of your daughter."

Hands.

Blood.

Goo.

Fuck.

"De Jesus," I say to Paula.

"What?"

"Collins said something about De Jesus being here in D.C. – "

"Shelly – "

"Sheldon – "

I hear the two voices almost at the same time… but … it's not possible. I'm sure I hear tiny feet coming down the stairs – tiny feet that sound like they're on the ends of some pretty shaky little legs… and… and there's another set of footsteps, four footed foot steps, coming down the stairs with her. But this has to be some kind of fucked up hallucination. Collins never would have left her alive. I'm losing it, that's all… the wind has shifted direction and I'm losing it for real this time.

"Oh my God, Cicily – " That's Emma's voice (how can she see my hallucination I wonder). It sounds like she's pretty fucked up herself… maybe she's just imagining things too.

I tried to warn her that I was no Daddy Warbucks.

I tried to get my sister to just keep her for another couple of months.

Maybe I should have let Alison ship her off to some state home – anywhere would be better than with me.

I'm a fucking menace.

I let Beth in. I let Cicily in. I loved them. And now they're dead.

Because of me.

Because nothing good ever lasts.

And I've finally lost it for real this time.

Everything is crumbling inside… crumbling outside… just… crumbling.

"Shelly – Shelly –?" Emma's voice is barely audible – and not just because of that fucking ruckus in the background.

(I've pretty much blocked Collins' voice out except to acknowledge that it's there, it just doesn't matter. Nothing matters, not any more…)

"Shelly –"

Emma.

She matters. She does. But everything is in these little tiny fragments…

I feel Emma's her hand on my arm… I think she's trying to get my attention. I think she's talking, I just can't quite process the words.

Then tiny arms wrap themselves around my waist – and it's all I can do to keep from falling over when I hear that voice again, saying my name:

Sheldon.

Cicily?

"Please – don't go away –"

I know that voice, and it's like something shaking through me… because she's real. Cicily. She's not just in my head.

I wrap my arms around her – and she's there. She's solid. She's – she's real. And I become aware of Emma wrapping her arms around my neck, hanging onto me – hanging on, not shying away. Not afraid of me.

"I'm sorry, Em," it's all I can think to say to her. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

She doesn't say anything – but she doesn't pull away. She's shaking. She's crying. She's hanging onto me.

I slide one arm away from Cicily's small form to draw my daughter into an embrace, telling her again how sorry I am. It just feels so fucking lame. Maybe after this… maybe that Jim guy… maybe anywhere but here… and Cicily – I'll kill that fuckmook father of hers before… Christ, what am I going to do now…? I turn my attention towards the small, terrified little girl who's clinging onto me – my little angel. "Sweetheart – what happened?" I ask her, trying to keep my voice calm. Rational. I kneel down so I'm closer to her level (Em moves with me – she's just too scared to let go, I think.)

"Mama told me to take Spencer and find a place to hide – then I heard a man's voice – then a real loud bang," she sniffles. Yeah. She gets it. Fuck, she lived in Culiacan – Cicily knows what gunfire sounds like. She knows all about violence, compliments of dear old dad. Yeah – I'll kill the fucker before I let him near her again.

"Jeff – in here," Paula calls out – sounds like she's in the dining room.

And I know why she wants me... "Em – "

I feel her nod – she's – she's not even processing that I can't see her – but she understands, she'll stay with Cicily while I go 'see.'

"I want you two to go upstairs," I tell my daughter. Upstairs away from Collins… Collins – he's still fucking howling – but – Paula must have cuffed him before leaving the room, secured him somehow. I don't care. I still don't want my girls anywhere near the fucker. Only Cicily doesn't seem to want to let go of me. (But I know why Paula's calling for me – I can't let Cicily see what's waiting for me in the next room…) "Cicily – " I try to dislodge her arms, very, very gently. "It's ok – just go back upstairs for a few more minutes."

"Don't leave – please don't leave!"

I cup her little face in my hand – only belatedly praying that it's clean… but as the good Lady MacBeth found out – there's clean and there's clean and my hands will never be clean… but I guess they're clean enough because when Cicily grabs onto my wrist, it isn't to push me away. She hangs on for dear life.

"Please don't leave us Sheldon! Don't go away again – "

"I'm just going into the other room – Emma will stay with you –"

"NO!"

"Come on," Emma seems calmer now, having someone else to focus on.

"I'll be right in the other room – I promise, I'm not leaving you," I tell Cicily, as Emma finally dislodges her.

"Jeff – " Paula calls me again.

"Yeah – be right there," I holler back wondering (in a vague and detached sort of way) what the urgency is. I know what's waiting for me.

"We're ok," Emma assures me – they don't sound ok, Cicily's broken into ragged sobs – but Em calls Spencer to come up with them and that seems to help convince Cicily that it's going to be ok. Almost ok – because really, how can it ever be ok again?

And it's all my fault. "I won't be long," I say more to Cicily than Emma. I wonder if Jim has room for two (I can make it worth his while and somehow I trust Holly's judgment; he must really be an ok sort of guy despite that whole nudist thing.) And yeah, I know what I just promised, but I can't do this. I can't take care of either of them… if I could… if I could take care of anyone, none of this would have happened. I listen to my girls go up the stairs and head towards the sound of Paula's voice.

"Back here," Paula calls as I step into the dining room.

I step towards her – and – I know –

"I've got a pulse," Paula tells me, real quietly.

And – this time I do fall over. Luckily there's a wall right there to keep me from actually kissing the floor because – because my legs just don't want to work right now. "She's – "

"I've got a heart beat and she's breathing," Paula repeats. "EMS is already on the way – when my guys didn't check in – and – I just knew something'd gone wrong."

Alive. Beth… "Paula, talk to me here – " please tell me she's really not going to die on me … please just let there be some chance, just some slim little chance… she doesn't deserve to die because of me…she was never anything but good to me…

"It's a chest wound – there's still a pulse so the bullet must've missed her heart – but it's fucking close, Jeff. There's a lot of blood."

I kneel and – and I don't know what to do… I'm feeling my way blindly in the dark… Paula takes my hand and guides me towards Beth, puts her hands in mine. But – all I can do is sit here and hold her… I can't even pray that she'll be all right because who the fuck Up There would listen to me anyway?

…………………………………………………………………..

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad.
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one

I will rememeber you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness
Deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Sarah Mclachlan -

("I Will Remember You")

I know it must seem like I'm on a real Sarah Mclachlan kick, but if you're familiar with her stuff, it is just so evocative of the mood here…