Family Guy
Griffin in the Box
Opening credits. Cut to Tom and Diane in the newsroom.
Tom: And today, George W. Bush had a fight with John Kerry in the supermarket, idiot to idiot. Bush said that the pepped-up liberal was a phony-ass hippie when Kerry rebutted saying "Your mamma so fat, it'll take TWO whitehouses to fit her in".
Diane: Very ugly stuff there Tom, we now go to the superhero weatherman.
Cut to a man dressed up as one of the "Wonder Twins" but blue instead of purple, has a bottle of beer in two hands and pants are down standing in front of a weather map with a crude drawing of Tom and Diane making out .
Superhero Weatherman: You know what Tom and Diane, the weather's not worth telling so I'll just go by my body temperature……………1………
Superhero Weatherman spontaneously combusts as groups of leprechauns start running out wildly, then the camera pans to a shocked Tom and Diane.
Tom: We now go live to French reporter Pepe Snaily for the "Clam's Helpers" of the week, where we award generous citizens of Quahog……….if there are any.
Cut to a French reporter, wearing a bandanna around his neck, a beret on his head and black-and-white striped clothes, standing next to a red-faced person.
Pepe: Thank you Tom, uck…… we have a "local angry hothead" Wallace Paul, Wallace has won a car for his generosity for going overseas and selling off sick Chinese kids in the major war zone countries to clean army tanks over there.
Wallace screams and runs off. Cut to the family watching it.
Brian: What a kind soul.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa……….he got a car for being generous. Something I can easily do………
Lois: Yeah, well Peter…..
Peter: Lois, I'm going to be so kind and generous their going to give us one of those basketball-playing cars off those commercials…..
Cut to two people playing basketball.
Player #1: Yo, man……..he tripped.
Player #2: Yeah right, dude….
Player #1: Oh yeah, let's have a one-on-one shootout.
Peter drives in a brown-yellowish car.
Peter: Make that a triple threat shootout.
Player #1: You going to get out of the car?
Peter: Nope…..
The players staring at each other then start laughing. Peter's left car door lifts the ball off, the bonnet pushes the ball into the hoop as the players stare in amazement, cut to the car standing on two wheels as it dribbles the ball with the other two wheels.
Player #1: Oh man, he makes Michael Jordan look like the basketball equivalent to Milli Vanilli.
Cut back to the present as Peter walks with Brian on the streets.
Peter: How am I going to impress the "Clam's Helpers" people…..
Brian: Maybe you should do something to help the community, like that time I was being auctioned off so this company can pay for police officers…..
Flashback. Cut to a woman on the podium pointing to Brian.
Woman: 50 dollars, do we have 50 dollars!
Pause.
Woman: C'mon people, he likes poetry!
Pause.
Woman: His not a pervert.
Cut to all the seats with no-one in them as the eerily cricket noise plays. Cut back to Brian and the woman.
Brian: So………….where's that martini you promised me after the show?
Brian is shocked as the eerily cricket noise plays again as the woman has disappeared. Present. Peter and Brian walk into the park and see an old woman next to a tree with a cat up it.
Brian: There you go Peter, there's something for you.
Old Woman: Oh young man, could you please help my kitty out of the tree?
Peter: I've got just the thing.
Peter swings out an axe and throws it over the tree as it splices the cat's head off, as the body lands on the ground as the head socket sprays huge amounts of blood all over the old woman.
Peter: There's your cat.
The head falls onto the ground. Cut to a wooden steam roller, being pulled by Meg, Chris and Stewie as Peter sits on the wooden chair wearing a Captain suit.
Peter: C'mon kids, if you don't help daddy make the first kid-controlled steam roller, I will never reattach the pork I cut in half!
Chris swings around as the log falls down on Stewie.
Chris: GARY!
Chris pulls faster as Meg begins flying all over the sky, holding onto the rope as the steam roller squashes Stewie as his covered with splinters, bruises, cuts and tears in his clothes.
Stewie: Worst. Pain. Ever.
Lois walks out in the backyard, shocked.
Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I'm trying to be a generous person, Lois.
Lois: You want to win the car don't you?
Peter: Yes, Mrs. Griffin.
Meg lets go of the rope and flies off to the roof and slides down then goes through the window as the steam roller hits Chris as he lies down.
Lois: You have harmed all of my children.
Peter: My? All of sudden, there yours now!
Lois: I mean OUR children, you happy.
Peter: Yes.
Cut to the hospital as the doctor with the black moustache from various episodes like "Death is a Bitch" stands paces towards Peter and Lois as Meg, Chris and Stewie lie in hospital beds.
Doctor: Now, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, an accident involving kids trying to man-power the wooden steam roller is everything above the absurd. I'm afraid accidents that you provoked are not covered by your HMO……
Peter: You saying I'm a homo?
Doctor: No, Mr. Griffin, your insurance policy……….just doesn't cover accidents of the absurd………..but, I noticed the nice red station wagon if you have……….maybe we could talk if you allow me to have the car.
Peter: Deal.
Lois: Peter, no.
Peter: Deal.
Doctor: Okay, deal………and since I'm getting your car, I'll throw in free bubonic plague injections.
Cut to the house. Inside the house, Peter and Lois are in the kitchen.
Peter: This would've happened if we got the free car.
Lois: This would've happened if you didn't put your children's lives in danger.
Peter: So, I'm sleeping outside tonight…..
Lois: In "The Drunken Clam" you basically live there anyway.
Cut to the gang at the Drunken Clam.
Peter: Now, I have to sleep here tonight.
Quagmire: So that means Lois is basically available……
Pause.
Quagmire: I ask cause a friend…..
Horace: Peter, if you want to get a car, maybe you can get an exchange with Channel 5, I got a whole two kegs saying that I'm a disturbed fan of that "Oz" show and they just basically gave it to me.
Peter: Wait………..when?
Horace: Two years ago when the lawyers of America went on strike and an attorney shortage became inevitable.
Peter: God bless those greedy lawyers!
Peter runs out. Cut to Channel 5 studios as Peter walks among the halls.
Peter: There's Asian reporter Trisha Tuckanwa's dressing room.
Diane Simmons is handing Trisha a Chinese take-away box.
Trisha: I asked for a KFC box, BITCH!
Trisha slams the door on Diane.
Diane: No one cares about Diane Simmons, Diane Simmons is just the little skank who….
Peter: Oh my God……….it's Diane Simmons; can I touch your nipple?
Diane: Beg your pardon?
Peter: I'm getting a presidential pardon from Diane Simmons, I'm so happy I can burst!
Peter, does in fact, burst. Later, Peter is walking near the other dressing rooms.
Peter: And there's the Grassman, the hippie by day but superhero by night.
Cut to a man covered in cross drinking a latte and spewing it out in the intern's face.
Grassman: You call this an Irish coffee! Tastes like your Mom.
Intern #1: Wha?
Grassman: It's what we call your gay cousin…..
Peter: Oh my God! The inside of Greg, Police Bear's dressing room!
Cut to a bear wearing a police uniform holding a latte from an intern.
Greg: Okay, who peed in the coffee?
Intern #2: Well, it was a prank and……
Greg: "And" nothing!
The door shuts as screams are heard as blood slides through the door. Peter walks up to Tom Tucker who walks out of his dressing room.
Peter: Oh my God, it's Tom Tucker!
Tom: Hello young aspiring hippie fan, stay in school and don't use all drugs except marijuana and ecstasy, and maybe LSD in moderation.
Peter: Tom, I'm your biggest fan! I was a fan when you were the stand-in weather guy and when your name was Barzina R. Peepee.
Tom: Please don't remind me of those times……
Flashback. Cut to a young, Tom with a mullet and millions of pimples.
Male News Reporter: We now go to Tom Tucker for the weather, Tom….
Tom: Well, it's….
Female News Reporter: That's great, incoming news………..Pearl Harbor has been bombed, again!
Everyone gasps.
Writer:(V.O): What the?
The reporters start laughing.
Male News Reporter: You should have seen your faces!
Female News Reporter: It's only 1991 and……
A missile flies in with Saddam Hussein attached. Cut back to the present as it cuts to a show being taped as Peter sees from backstage.
Peter: Oh………my………God! It's the hit daytime soap series that's been running for 100 years, "To Be or Not to Be'…………..
Black Actor Dressed as Priest: Yo, yo, yo! My homies, G in da house…….God is good, and God expects us to be good, a'right!
Actor Dressed in White: I'm a………….God.
The actor faints.
Director: Loving it….
Peter: It has been rusty for awhile now, maybe they need new writers…..
Cut to a writers table full of skeletons. Cut back offstage.
Peter: How do I get to the G.C.O, general compliant office, the path leads right through here……..
The mauled intern crawls over to him.
Intern #2: Just walk just through……..it doesn't matter.
Actor in Drag: Oh my God, it's dead! I mean, his dead…..
Indian Actor: No………..we all knew, it was a……………sasquatch.
Dramatic sting as Peter walks straight through.
Peter: Excuse me, I got to do to the office…..
Actor in Drag:(V.O): Uh………..that's right, me too…..
Director: Cut! Who's the fat guy in my office! I mean set!
Peter: Peter H. Griffin……my father told me the "H" in my name means "Holden".
Director: What a character……….you could play the part of the new character we're putting in the end of the week……
Peter: Me, an actor? Oh, it'll never work like Paris Hilton's singing career.
Director: No, you're not only good………..you're Tony Robbins good….
Peter: Tony Robbins is here?
Director: Don't worry, you're got the job…..
Peter: Well……actually, I………oh wait…..
Cut to a thought cloud with Peter driving in a blue car with Lois.
Peter: Oh Lois, don't you love this new car….
Lois: Let's have hot, sweaty, kinky sex.
Lois pulls Peter down to the floor as the thought cloud disappears.
Peter: I'll do it!
Director: Super…………now, one thing in the television business…………sic him Tony!
Tony Robbins tackles Peter.
Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins, hungry………..again.
Peter begins to be eaten by Tony Robbins. Cut to commercial. Act 2. Lois is cleaning the toilet when Peter pops up through the bowl.
Peter: SURPRISE!
Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I've got an acting career on the hit daytime soap "To Be or Not to Be".
Lois: You what?
Peter: Now Lois, you may question how I got the job, but it doesn't matter. We'll have a car, nice things and food and clothes and other chick crap.
Lois: Well, it is a bit of a shock. But I think the family we'll adjust in time….
Peter: Time………how much time do the kids have, Stewie has the head thing, Chris has the wang thing and Meg has that tire iron thing.
Lois: You have that glass in the eye thing?
Peter: You get used to it in time you help me out here Lois?
Lois grabs a plunger and tries pulling Peter out of the toilet bowl.
Peter: Oh God!
Lois: Stay still!
Peter: Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Lois: Stupid plunger!
Peter: This is the worst pain ever!
Lois: What is wrong with you?
Peter: Stop killing me, Lois!
Lois: If you would just hold still!
Peter: But….
Lois: How did you get up here anyway?
Peter flies out of the toilet, slides off to the wall and hits his head and stands up.
Peter: That's better……………..now, time to have a drink…….maybe a Pepsi Max.
Peter's legs start dancing off as it becomes separated from the rest of his body, as his legs move to weird, Spanish music. It moves in the street, through the garden in Quagmire's house, circles around Cleveland and jumps over Joe and reenters the Griffin house through the front door as it makes it's way through the kitchen as it comes back onto Peter's body as Lois's legs make her way off.
Lois: What the Hell?
Cut to Channel 5 studios, inside Peter is outside his dressing room as the weather mime tries to open the door.
Peter: You're not trying hard enough to put the key in……..
The weather mime just stares at him.
Peter: C'mon, I haven't got all day…..
The weather mime opens it and Peter walks in, and stares in awe.
Peter: This………dressing room……..is freakin' sweet.
Peter sits on his chair when he sees a red button.
Peter: Oooh……………what does this button do?
Peter presses the button when the chicken (from DaBoom and Blind Ambition) tackles Peter off screen when Peter jumps up and kicks the chicken when it pecks Peter, when Peter jumps and swings the chicken through the wall and jumps onto it and punches it repeatedly while rolling in a female co-star's dressing room, they stand up again when the chicken kicks Peter in the groin which sends him through the second wall when the chicken tackles him again and kicks Peter which sends him sliding across the set, Peter quickly gets back up and karate kicks the chicken in the mouth when it attacks back with a couple of pecks as the chicken then swings Peter to the other set as he lands on another set with explodes which sends Peter flying off. The Chicken is relived, but when he turns around he sees Peter as he punches a couple of teeth out of the chicken's mouth as the chicken grabs Peter's face with his feet as Peter kicks the chicken in the stomach as it coughs up quite a bit of blood. Peter kicks the chicken again which sends skidding to through the wall as Peter, relived……..walks off to dramatic music, cut to the chicken lying on the floor as it opens it's eyes, Peter walks up to the director who's shocked of what he just saw.
Peter: I'm sorry, is that cut?
Cut to the family sitting down watching TV as Peter walks in. Peter is on TV as he is sitting in a desk with a crying couple.
Peter:(on TV): Now your mother left you with something, something very descriptive, a piece of stone ball…….holds stone ball……..your mother loved this very much……….just like, according to her will………she loved the cult she secretly joined when she then mysteriously died.
Dramatic sting as Peter goes to the couch and sits on Meg.
Meg:(muffled): Dad! Dad! Dad!
Peter: Guys, I've got my first pay check today!
Meg:(muffled): Help!
Peter: Shut up talking anus.
Lois: Peter, that's a bit harsh isn't i…..
Peter farts, loudly as Meg starts screaming, muffled.
Lois: Peter, that's a bit harsh isn't i….
Peter farts even more loudly.
Lois: That's a bit har…
Peter farts EVEN louder.
Peter: I'm sorry Lois, I had to hold my gas in all day….
Peter farts even MORE loudly.
Lois: That's a bit harsh towards Meg isn't it?
Peter: Screw her.
Chris' eyes widen and quickly gets up.
Chris: Mom, Meg………wait here, I'm getting my camera.
Chris runs off, excitedly.
Peter: You could use a couple of pounds, like Princess Diana.
Cut to Princess Diana in the toilet as she sticks her finger in her mouth as her insides crawl out of her mouth, making her inside out. Cut back to the Griffin house.
Lois: Peter! Stop insulting our children!
Peter: Oh, are you contradicting my parenting skills?
Lois: You've become such a jerk! I mean, Meg's our daughter and Chris and Stewie are our sons…….
Peter: Than someone should've had certain abortions!
Lois: No, we shouldn't fight like this……..
Peter stands up and throws Meg at Lois as they both go through the window, as Lois throws chair at Peter who falls on Chris who enters in with a camera, Chris climbs out and sees Meg suddenly lying on top of Peter as Lois walks back in from the window.
Chris: Mom, help me strip Dad and Meg for my………..video project.
Cut to Peter at the Drunken Clam as Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire enter to sit with Peter.
Peter: Hey guys!
Joe: Hey Peter……
Quagmire: Saw you on the boob-tube……….while looking at some boobs, oh! But, seriously, seeing your fine acting skills reminds me of my days as an actor…….remember that movie I did nine years ago?
Cut to Quagmire, dressed as Austin Powers dancing with lots of women.
Woman #1: Please Mr. Powers, shag me!
Quagmire: Oh behave………….giggity giggity giggity goo!
Cut back to the present.
Cleveland: At least you have a woman to love Peter, I'm just so lonely….
Cleveland starts walking off.
Cleveland: Ever since Loretta left me, things haven't been right…….who am I? Why am I here? Is there any purpose to life, what happened to my son……….why?
Peter: Hey well, Lois is being a jerk……she reckons that my parenting skills are now rusty thanks to my new acting career………..my acting's good right, that insect (cut to giant insect sitting next to Peter from "One If By Clam, Two If By Sea") reckons it's good, don't you?
Insect: Yes………it's good, good, good…….good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good….
Peter: Okay, we get it….
Insect: Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.
Peter: Okay.
Insect: Good, good, good……….good!
Peter grabs Meg out of nowhere and hits the insect with it and drops her on the ground.
Joe: Oh my God, isn't that Meg………man, you are a bad parent.
Peter: Joe loves Meg! Joe loves Meg! Joe and Meg, sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g, first comes love, then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage!
Joe: That's sick, Peter.
Peter: Not as sick as this.
Peter wraps Meg's legs around Joe and Peter slides Meg up and down on Joe as Joe is shocked while Meg is screaming.
Joe: PETER!
Meg: DAD!
Peter: MEG! YOU WILL DO WHAT YOUR FATHER RUBS UP AGAINST A MARRIED DISABLED MAN ASKS MYSELF TO DO!
Cut to the house as Peter walks in as the family (excluding Meg) is watching TV.
Peter: Hello family…….
Pause.
Peter: Lois? Can't you hear me? Lois?
Even longer pause.
Peter: LOIS! LO-I-S! LOIS! LOIS! LOIS! LOIS! LOIS! LOIS! LOIS!
Peter grabs a megaphone and speaks into it.
Peter: LOIS!
Meg falls out of Peter's pants.
Lois: WHAT IS IT YOU JERKFACED INCOMPTENT MAN!
Lois grabs a chair and throws it at Peter when Meg gets up and the chair ends up hitting her.
Peter: Lois, I didn't know you had it in you!
Lois: Well, Peter………ever since you got that acting job you have become such a jerk, you have hurt all our feelings for the last time, remember when we used to do things as a family?
Flashback. Meg is on a stake as Peter as he pours oil all over her.
Meg: Dad, why are you doing this?
Peter: It's Family Night Meg; take one from the whole team!
Meg: But….
Peter lights Meg as Peter backs away as everyone laughs hysterically as Meg screams as the laughs become harder, even with Stewie and Peter rolling on the grass holding their sides, when suddenly Peter stops laughing and gets up.
Peter:(To Lois): You're next!
Cut to present. Lois grabs Stewie as she backs away.
Lois: You've changed Peter.
Peter: I haven't changed, have I Greased Up Deaf Guy?
Greased Up Deaf Guy: It's not my position to say, Pet'da.
Greased Up Deaf Guy kicks Meg out of his way and stomps on her as he runs off.
Lois: Kids let's get out of here……
Peter: NO! Meg, you're staying with me!
Peter grabs Meg and hugs her tight.
Peter: I love you Meg! Don't ever get away from me!
Peter squishes Meg so hard she slips in his mouth.
Peter: I've got no-one…………no-one at all! Oh no, oh no…….oh no……..oh, they're already gone, oh no!
Kool Aid Man crashes the wall.
Kool Aid Man: OH YEAH!
Peter stares at the Kool Aid Man angrily.
Meg:(V.O): Oh my God is that a television!
"One Tree Hill" theme song comes on. Cut to commercial. Act 3. Cut to the family (sans Peter) in a sleazy motel when Meg walks in wearing slutty clothes.
Meg: Do you reckon this will attract the cute pool boy.
Stewie stares at Meg.
Stewie: Oh my God…………oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Pause.
Stewie: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God...oh my God! Oh my freakin' God!
Meg: Well, I suppose this does make me look fat….
Stewie: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Lois: Well, I hope Peter's learning his lesson of letting the celebrity image going to his head.
Cut to Peter on a date with Paris Hilton.
Peter: So………..you're an heiress.
Paris: Yes…
Peter: Really.
A waiter walks up with a platter of food.
Waiter: Here's some food.
Peter: MINE!
Peter steals the food as he starts gobbling it up as he accidentally bumps the table so hard that Paris is crushed by it. Cut back to the motel as Meg has her normal clothes on as Lois walks in from the bathroom.
Lois: Oh my, the bathroom's even more worse then Stewie's diet fitness tape he made last year.
Flashback. Cut to Stewie doing exercises in fitness-type clothing to the song "Let's Get Psychical". Cut back to the motel.
Chris: I'm not complaining………and I promised an incestive sex tape for school tomorrow! And so far, I don't see anyone stripping down and making out!
Lois: Well, Chris if it means that much to you, I'll make out with my uncle Roy.
Lois swings "Uncle Roy" as she strips down and starts making out with him.
Chris: Oh great! Where's my camera! You could've waited for me to get my camera!
Cut to Brian in a wheel float in a pool drinking a martini.
Brian: Is that Tony Danza?
Cut to Tony Danza wearing a apron saying "Vote For Me".
Tony Danza: Vote for me for president! Vote for me for president!
Brian: Now that's where his been.
Cut to Peter walking in the studio executive's office.
Peter: You called me Mr. Studio Executive.
Mr. Studio Executive: Yes……….well Peter, you're fired.
Peter: What why am I fired?
Mr. Studio Executive: Well for starters you didn't have to flash at the female co-stars.
Flashback. Cut to Peter locked up in a cellular in the basement when a black woman walks in with a plate of food and a gun.
Black Woman: Now………….I'm just going to feed you this pork chop and try not to remember the tragic thing you did to me which destroyed my life for the better you racially sexist sociopath, I can't believe you came out of my vagina.
Peter starts barking like a dog.
Black Woman: That's right, vagina…….I bet that drives your libido, vagina, is the magic word that drove you to sexually assault your own unsuspecting sister you sick son of a….
Peter pulls his shirt up and the black woman screams while Peter makes a loud yelping noise. Flashback ends.
Mr. Studio Executive: And you did assault a female co-star.
Flashback. Cut to Peter, lying down as in a hospital bed acting out to have a coma when a blonde female co-star walks in.
Blonde Co-Star: He looks so still and peaceful…………who would've known he was leading a triple life as a funeral estate, a CIA agent and a male fortune teller from the south seas trying to dominate the world with his little midget pal named Jimmy……….AND that he was secretly being held captive in his home by the new neighbors that his related to by blood vein because he is their son, a white person being a black woman's son……does that be…………..how does that…..
Peter wakes up and punches her off screen. Flashback ends.
Mr. Studio Executive: Peter Lowenbrau Griffin! YOU'RE FIRED!
Peter: This is even worse then the time I was on The Appretenice.
Flashback. Cut to Donald Trump pacing towards the contestants who include Peter.
Donald Trump: Now, you all did everywhere……..but for the second week, I will fire someone, Pe….
Peter stands up.
Peter: Now Mr. Trump, no offensive to you………..but I am appalled and sickened that you………THAT YOU of all people go after the honest hard-working people to suck them into your show for a chance of a lifetime and for what………for what? To tell them that they're fired, you have no feelings of what these people went through to impress you, to treat you as if you were some freakin' king! King freakin' Trump is what you are! I hope you rot in Hell, good sir! And until next time………YOU'RE FIRED! YOU'RE FIRED!
Peter storms off as Donald just stares.
Donald: I was just going to ask him to pick up my laundry.
Flashback ends. Cut back to the sleazy motel. Lois is sleeping in a bed when Chris falls through the ceiling.
Chris: I saw a talking raccoon that threatened to blow up the motel.
Cut to a dancing raccoon.
Raccoon:(with "black" voice): He's going down!
Cut back to Lois' room as Meg slides out of the bottom.
Meg: And it's not right without dad beating me to sleep, he hits me three times……….then I smash his head into a computer and he runs around the house on fire……..I really miss that!
Lois: I agree that the motel's not that great but…………your father needs to learn his lesson, wait…………where's Stewie?
Cut to Stewie shirtless when a Indian is killing a chicken in front of him.
Stewie: Now pour the blood on my chest….
The Indian stares.
Stewie: Haven't you read the new "Stewiealogly" bible………it'll appease your god, who's me………shall enjoy seeing getting CHICKENS TORTURED!
Cut to Peter walking past the sleazy motel as he looks up the roof. Cut to Peter up the roof of the sleazy motel with a megaphone.
Peter: Everyone………..I've been a jerk…….
Cut back to Lois and the kids in the motel.
Lois: It's just that….
Peter:(V.O): I've been a jerk to my wife and my kids……….I let the image of celebrity go over to my head and now…………I just want my family back!
Lois: PETER!
The family rushes out and sees Peter on the roof.
Peter: I'm going to jump off the roof!
Lois, Chris, Meg & Brian: NO!
Stewie: Alright.
Peter jumps off the roof and scrambles his leg as he screams, then holds his leg and breathes in and out, in and out, for a good one minute or so ala the episodes Wasted Talent and Brian Goes Back to College.
Lois: Peter…………..why did you do all this acting?
Peter stands back up as dramatic music.
Peter: I just wanted to get another car for you after I hocked it to the doctor's to pay the medical bill, and to buy nice things for you………….but I just screwed things up.
Lois: Peter, the important thing is that we are family and we can overcome anything.
Peter: I wish I could get the car back though!
Cut to the Doctor driving in it with two stoned teenagers at the back.
Doctor: You're getting off the next stop, you hear me!
Stoned Teenager #1: It's cool man…………
Stoned Teenager #2: Yeah, man………it's cool.
Doctor: Okay, I'm going at the back you take the wheel.
The Doctor shuffles his way at the back as the stoned teenagers start driving.
Doctor: HEY! STOP DRIVING!
Cut back to the pool as everyone is swimming when Lois walks up to Peter who's about to enter the pool. Lois kisses Peter on the cheek.
Lois: That's for bringing everyone together. You've got to know that you can't let things go to your head and….
The car with the stoned teenagers runs Peter over.
Lois: OH MY GOD!
Cut to the Griffin home as Peter is covered in bandages except his face and the Doctor is talking to Lois.
Doctor: I'm sorry Mrs. Griffin that the hikers I picked up ran over your husband……….if there's anyway I could pay you for your silence….
Lois: We'll take the car.
Doctor: Yeah, but….
Lois: Car.
Doctor: But I was going to get personalized license plates.
Lois: We'll take the car doc…
Doctor: You're no fair.
The doctor leaves as Jim Kaplan runs in.
Jim: Are you Lois Griffin!
Lois: Yes.
Jim: The same Lois Griffin who made out with her Uncle Roy?
Lois:(hesitantly): Yes.
Jim: We'll like to get you your own TV show…..
Cut to the family watching Lois on TV dressed up like Elvira.
Lois:(on TV): Due to contractual obligations………we cannot show the ending, goodnight guys and ghouls! Muhahahahaa!
Peter: I love you honey.
Peter closes his eyes and comes forward to kiss Lois when he slips and kisses Meg as she screams as Peter still has eyes closed……….until he opens them and is shocked.
Peter: OH MY GOD! Lois has morphing powers to turn into Meg……..now turn into Chris!
Chris:(with video camera): Well, I finally got my incestive sex tape.
Lois: Oh, you close your eyes and you passionately kiss your own daughter you fat sack of crap!
Peter: WHAT! I'M NOT FAT! I'M BIG BONED!
Meg: Yeah……….and you should join the army!
Peter: But first to lose weight!
Peter sticks his finger in his mouth and vomits on everyone and when he stops his skinny just like in "His Too Sexy For His Fat" and runs off.
Lois: Oh, I turned into Peter…………I shouldn't let the word of celebrity get into my head!
Meg: No Mom, out of all the times he abused this family, especially me, it'll be good for Dad to be the one to be abused for once.
Stewie: Who saw Lois suck it to the fatman! That was uproarious! Insult Brian!
Brian: Shut up.
Cut to Peter in the "Army Specialist Sign-Up Plaza".
Army Sign-Up Guy: Okay, last question……..are you homosexual?
Peter: I'm not gay………….but I'm willing to learn.
End credits.