A/N: Spoiler: Season 9, The Ties That Bind. This takes place during the middle of this episode. If you haven't seen it yet, don't read this! No Teal'c this time.

The Mall

Daniel stood with his hand hovering above the doorknob, muttering softy to himself. "I can't believe I'm going to do this."

He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and prepared himself for the task before him. He raised his right hand, closed his eyes and, holding his breath, he knocked.

He waited two seconds, "Ah, no answer. Gosh darn, no one's home." He turned to leave, took one step and heard the door open.

"My Daniel! I knew you'd finally come to me!" Vala reached out and snaked one long, graceful arm around Daniel's neck and jerked him quickly inside her room. She winked at the guard, who blushed bright red and looked away quickly as she shut the door.

"Vala, let go of me." Daniel closed his eyes, as if not seeing her would make the situation go away. "I need to talk to you."

"Talk? Ugh, how boring when there are such interesting things we could be doing." Vala placed her free hand on Daniel's chest and began playing with the buttons on his BDU shirt.

He slapped her hand away and took two steps away from her. "Vala, you know I have to go to Washington day after tomorrow and you," he sighed deeply, "have to go with me. Well, we have to get you some Earth clothes. You can't go before the Appropriations Committee wearing, um…that!" Daniel gestured toward her leather outfit that was so tight he could almost see the outline of her internal organs.

"Shopping! You're going to take me shopping!" Vala's face lit up with a huge grin. "With your credit cards?"

"Oh, god help me, yes." Daniel hugged himself with one arm and covered his eyes with his other hand.

XXXXXXXXXX

Daniel grinned smugly as he glanced sideways at Vala. He'd never seen her stunned into silence. If he'd known that would be her reaction, he would have brought her to the mall long ago.

"Oh, Daniel, look!" Vala stopped, enthralled by the view in the window. "What are those?"

Daniel, afraid to turn, finally looked. "Ah, those are puppies and kittens. People buy them and keep them in their homes as pets."

"Tau'ri keep animals in their homes? Ewww! Don't they, um, how do they handle the, um, waste?" Vala tapped on the window to get the attention of the kitten, who was chewing on the tale of another kitten.

"Well, dogs are trained to ask to go outside and people keep boxes of sand for the cats to bury their, uh, waste." Daniel had never had a pet, except fish, and wasn't too sure exactly how one went about training animals.

"Yuck! A box of cat poo in the house? You Tau'ri are very odd people." Vala shook her head, turned away from the window and continued down the walkway.

She walked way from Daniel as he looked at her, shrugged and followed. She stopped, hands on hips, and sniffed the air. Her eyes widened and she began walking quickly again.

Daniel watched as she stopped in front of Mrs. Field's Cookies®. "Daniel, what are these?"

The clerk glanced up at the question, baffled. Everyone knows what cookies are! Daniel saw the clerk's expression and grinned at her. "She's from another country. Never been in a mall before. Let me have two cookies, white chunk with macadamias." Daniel handed Vala a cookie and took the other for himself.

Vala took a tentative bite and moaned in ecstasy. "Oh, god, Daniel. This is almost as good as sex." She rolled her eyes and sighed as the chocolate melted on her tongue.

Vala opened her eyes and stopped suddenly. "Victoria's Secret? They actually put that stuff in the windows for anyone to see? Where's the mystery and fun of discovery? That's just wrong." She shook her head and went back to enjoying the last crumbs of the cookie.

Daniel took her elbow and guided her along toward the department store where they could buy some "decent" clothes for her to wear. He led her past the various different stores that caught her attention and virtually pushed her into the Sears® at the end of the mall.

He stopped for a moment, looking for the women's department. Vala walked away, again, and headed for the tools. "Daniel, what is this?" Vala picked up a cordless electric drill, gazing intently at it. "It looks…well, it looks like something to be used in the privacy of one's bedroom."

Daniel looked embarrassed and disgusted. "It's a portable power drill. It's used to screw things together."

"Screw?" Vala's jaw dropped. "You people use power tools for…for… No wonder you wouldn't have sex with me on the Prometheus. You didn't have the proper tools."

Daniel closed his eyes and sighed. He thought they might have had a somewhat enjoyable visit to the mall. He should have known she could take simple objects and totally twist things around.

"Put it down. Let's get you some clothes and get out of here before you get us arrested." Daniel grabbed her elbow again and headed for the escalator.

Vala stopped and stared at the moving platforms. "Are your people so lazy that they have to use moving stairs to go up? I'm not getting on that thing. It looks dangerous."

Daniel tugged on her arm and pulled her on the bottom step next to him. She gripped the handrail with one hand and dug her nails into Daniel arm with the other.

"Vala, you've faced the most evil beings in the universe. You've been burned to death, you've been in fights and you're afraid of moving stairs! You're a hoot!" One thing for sure, life was never boring with Vala around.

He pulled her along off the escalator and toward the women's department. "OK. You can pick any outfit you want. I'll pay for it. Just don't embarrass me any more. Please," Daniel pleaded.

Vala headed for the junior department and began looking through the racks. "Ooooh, Daniel. Look at this!" She held up a gold lamė dress.

At least Daniel thought it was supposed to be a dress. There wasn't quite enough material for him to be sure it wasn't a handkerchief. "You can't wear that! The Appropriations Committee members would be shocked. You're supposed to be helping us, not seducing them!" Daniel pulled his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose, a sure sign of frustration.

Vala turned away from him and grinned. She knew he was shocked, but she just loved getting a reaction from him.

"All right. How about this?" She held up a long sleeved, black shirt.

"That looks fine." Daniel wondered how she would make the seemingly conservative shirt into something suggestive.

"Now, I need a skirt to go with it." Vala flipped through the rack with skirts and found something. "How do I know if these fit? Do I try them on here?" She began unfastening her leather pants.

"Stop! Not here! There are dressing rooms where you can change in private." Daniel grabbed her and her clothes and headed for the back corner where he saw the dressing room sign. "In here." He pushed her toward the clerk who gave Vala a large number 2 and showed her to an empty room.

A few minutes later, Vala came out wearing the black shirt, a very short animal print skirt and her knee-high, spike-heeled boots. Daniel blinked several times at her, speechless. She grinned, just the reaction she wanted from him. Another male shopper whistled and nudged Daniel, waggling his eyes brows. "Your wife is quite a looker!"

Daniel swallowed, reddened and turned away from Vala. "She's not my wife."

The man grinned. "Ah, your girlfriend. Even better!" He turned his head as he heard his named called. "Yes, dear. I'm coming, dear." Turning back to Daniel he said, "The old ball and chain is calling. Take my advice. Don't marry her. It's much more fun before you get married. Yes, dear, I'm on my way." Rolling his eyes, he walked off.

Vala changed back into her clothes and Daniel paid for the purchases. He hoped he could get her out of the mall without any other distractions.

He thought he just might be successful, when she stopped in front of a jewelry store. "Daniel! Did you know about this store? Are these real?" She pointed to a display of diamond rings.

"Yes, those are real diamonds. Men buy them for women when they become engaged. It's a symbol that the woman is taken, so no other man will display romantic interest in her." Daniel really didn't want to have to watch her in a jewelry store. He knew her propensity for theft.

The two were standing in front of the engagement ring display, when Daniel heard his name being called. He closed his eyes and prayed for Thor to beam him away.

"Dr. Jackson! Dr. Jackson! It's such a pleasure to see you here." The elderly lady walked briskly up to Daniel and patted him on the arm, grinning with happiness. She looked pointedly between Daniel and Vala and then at the rings. She grinned.

"Mrs. Wilson, it's nice to see you." Daniel did not want to introduce Vala to his neighbor.

"Oh, Daniel, that one is beautiful! Can we go in?" Vala hadn't noticed the other woman join them. She was focused on the diamonds.

Mrs. Wilson raised her grey eyes, the smile on her face reflected in the winkles next to her eyes. "Take her in, dear. She's found one she likes."

Vala turned at the sound of the voice. "Hello. I'm Vala." She thrust out her hand in greeting. Teal'c had instructed her in American customs of greeting.

"I'm Mrs. Wilson, Daniel's neighbor. I don't remember seeing you at Daniel's with his other friends." Mrs. Wilson shook Vala's hand and tried pumping her for information. The ladies at the local bridge club would love this. They were always trying to hook Daniel up with their unwed daughters.

"Daniel keeps me hidden away in a secret place. He comes to see me at night, when no one is around." Vala heard Daniel's moan in her ear.

"Oh!" Mrs. Wilson's gossip radar was on in high gear. "How, um, interesting." She was glad she'd never been able to introduce her daughter to this man after all. He'd always seemed like such a nice young man, too bad he was just like the rest of the men she'd known.

"Come on Vala, we need to get you back to the mountain." Daniel knew there was no way he could ever explain this to Mrs. Wilson. Well, at least the neighborhood women would quit trying to fix him up.

Vala took Daniel's arm and leaned against him, batting her eyelashes up at him for Mrs. Wilson's benefit. "Yes, dear. Whatever you say, sweetheart."

Daniel rolled his eyes, sighed and led her to the car. Quickly.

As Daniel pulled out of the parking lot, he turned to Vala, "As soon as we get back from Washington, we're going back to see Arlos and figure out a way for me to stay away from you – far away."

Vala reached up and rubbed the back of Daniel's neck. "Teal'c ordered that set of baby doll pajamas for me and they came yesterday. How about you come to see me tonight and I'll show you my new clothes?"

"Not in this lifetime." Of course, the way his "lives" had been, he might be in her room that night. God help him.