I am trying as hard as I could to keep the Uchiha brothers IC in this story. However, I assume that the readers can have a gist of how hard that task is, given the primary genre of this fiction. Believe me, this isn't as humorous as the one I really have in mind. If I'd have written it down, you'd have refused to read it at all.


The Link:

Chapter VI: Stinky Diapers and Fires

Sasuke stepped back with great satisfaction from his work, black eyes glittering. Heion was squealing in delight as she lay on the rubberized mat on the kitchen table, sucking on her thumb and then waving it gaily in front of Sasuke's face. There, sitting down her middle, was the perfectly-put diaper.

"It's as easy as what I have told you." Sasuke said, turning to Itachi, who stood silently behind him, blank eyes staring at Heion's head. "You just feel around with the adhesive tapes – don't pull them too hard or they will tear off completely – make sure the diaper is well aligned around her middle. I'm sure you can feel it, right?"

Itachi nodded silently. The whole affair of changing diapers and giving baths to the baby while he was blind seemed wholly impossible. But he had no choice. Sasuke was leaving today – his younger brother would be gone for two weeks at most, since the Chuunin exams were at hand. Sasuke was a Jounin mentor, of course – he had his own team to train by the way, and he was an examiner in the second part of the exams – in the good old Forest of Death.

Sensing Sasuke move, Itachi turned slowly on his slippers, keeping his blind vision to where he hoped his brother was standing. Sasuke was speaking again.

"I've put the milk and water here on the counter; you'd have no problem finding them. Also, I've arranged for her bath in the old bathroom mother and father used to have all to themselves." Sasuke went on. "I've also prepared dishes for you; you just have to jam them in the microwave when you're feeling hungry and set them to five. Don't worry, our microwave is still that silly thing as before – you can sense the numerals on the dials for the timer."

There was another nod from Itachi. The older Uchiha bit his lower lip in frustration. There were lots of instructions; he hated thinking about them all because they made his head throb painfully. If only he didn't lose his eyesight – well, if he did not go blind, he wouldn't be here at all. Apart from that, the nasty wound on his side had reopened last night, and he was hard put trying to stop the bleeding. Sasuke was not doing anything about it either – Itachi doubted if his brother would raise a finger to help even if he were on his deathbed.

"So, then, you understand it all?" Sasuke asked. "Heion's vitamins are also in the refrigerator – they're on the topmost shelf – just one after her breakfast."

"I think I do." Itachi murmured as he held out his arms ready for his 'daughter'. Soon enough he smelled her familiar scent of baby soap, and then her gentle weight crushed into his arms. He held her securely from below and in front, clutching her close to his chest. He felt her warm drool slick his left arm. However her sudden weight sent a sharp pang of pain down his side, and he had to grit his teeth to prevent himself from crying out. Something warm spread in the same spot, and Itachi knew he was bleeding yet again.

"Right." said Sasuke's voice. There was a crisp hint of doubt and worry there. "So...so I'm leaving now. Take care of her, Itachi. And keep the house intact until I come back."

Itachi felt Sasuke's vest brush his arms as his brother bent to kiss Heion on both cheeks. And then he sensed Sasuke's footsteps fading...until it disappeared entirely. Heion made little sucking sounds, and Itachi gave a start as he felt her smooth gums on his bare skin. She was trying to bite him. Smiling slightly, Itachi kissed her behind the head (and that was an excellent moment to take in her lovely scent) and took her to their favorite corner near the wilted gardens.

"So," Itachi whispered as Heion shrieked joyfully in his arms. "It's just you and me, Heion. Just you and me."

He wondered how on earth he was supposed to keep the house 'intact' as what Sasuke had instructed.

Sasuke had his head bowed in worry as he made his way toward the bridge where Team 7 had met countless times in the not-so-distant past. Now Konohamaru Corps, otherwise known as Team 1, met at the bridge nowadays. When Sasuke arrived at the said bridge, nobody was there. The raven-haired Jounin leaned on the railings, for a moment breathing in the morning breeze as he waited for his students to arrive.

Other nin started to show up. Shikamaru hailed Sasuke as he and his Team 3 passed by. After fifteen minutes he was followed by Hyuuga Hinata and her Team 5. Sasuke smiled at them all and waved at them jovially. That was when Konohamaru, Moegi and Raito arrived. Konohamaru and his companions looked really excited – Moegi was even bouncing on her heels.

"Sasuke-sensei, ohayo!" Konohamaru greeted. "We're all set for the training and the exams!"

"Yes, we are! I'm so excited!" Moegi piped up while Raito only grinned.

Sasuke smiled in spite of himself. "It's all right to feel the excitement of the Chuunin exams, but do not forget that you should not take all the stages lightly. Fight and do the tasks as if you were fighting for your own lives." He instructed seriously. "Do not forget what I have taught you."

"Yes, sir!" Konohamaru, Moegi and Raito answered altogether.

"All right, follow me!"

As they walked away from the bridge, Sasuke cast a final look toward the general direction of the Uchiha compound. Hold on, Heion and Itachi!

At the same time, a certain couple consisting of a perverted hermit and a loudmouthed fox-boy was making their way from the gates of Konoha. Jiraiya sighed for the nth time as he cast a sidelong glance at Naruto, whose jaw was set so firmly he could have chewed rocks to bits. The fox had been severely disappointed when Orochimaru had called off their training and sent him home for the Chuunin exams. Naruto had been emphatic when he tried to argue with the Serpent. He loudly protested that he was not an examiner and he did not have his own team to guide, so what was the point of cutting off their training just when he was finally getting the real gist of the Kokuangyou no Jutsu? But Orochimaru was adamant in his decision, saying that Naruto needed to be in Konoha while such an event was taking place. Naruto would have clung to Orochimaru's leg all the way back to the Hidden Sound if not for Jiraiya bodily dragging him back to their village.

"I can't see his point," Naruto grunted for the millionth time. "I mean, you said that he did not waste his time watching the exams since your team took it. But here he is, telling me off to watch the proceedings! How dare he! I'm already a Jounin – what the hell do I care with this Chuunin exam anyway!" The fox kicked at a rock and sent it some ten meters away from their path.

"Orochimaru wanted you to re-learn something." Jiraiya replied sagely. "Something that you have obviously forgotten."

Naruto glared at him. "Don't you get started on me, perverted hermit!"

They rounded a corner and came face to face with Sasuke and his team. Sasuke's eyebrows rose in surprise at seeing the blonde back, while Konohamaru eagerly bounded forward.

"Naruto-niichan!" Konohamaru yelled. "Guess what! The Chuunin exams are here! I've already mastered Chidori, and I'm sure I'll blast my way through the exams with flying colors!"

"Bug off, lamer!" Naruto snapped as he rudely brushed Konohamaru aside as if he were an insect and stomped off toward Ichiraku with steam gushing out of his ears. Konohamaru looked hurt, and Moegi gave him an assuring pat on the shoulders. Meanwhile, Sasuke turned to Jiraiya, question in his eyes. The white-haired Sannin sighed yet again.

"Orochimaru called off their training and sent him home to watch the Chuunin exams." Jiraiya said plainly, with a shrug. "I'm sure you can guess what happened next."

Sasuke stared after Naruto's shrinking form. He had a hand on Konohamaru's shoulder. "He's just in a bad mood, that's all."

"I can see I'm keeping you." Jiraiya smiled at Sasuke before turning to his Genins. "Good luck with the exams, I am sure you'll do well. Why not? You have an Uchiha for a teacher!" He said with a wink before waving jovially and walking away.

Konohamaru and his teammates grinned cheekily at each other while Sasuke shook his head.

"All right, quit playing around – we have three days of training to do."

The first two days since Sasuke's departure was quite peaceful, in Itachi's standards. He had no trouble moving around the house while Heion was either sleeping on his bed or otherwise crawling in the now spacious living room. The baby proved to be agreeable most of the time, Itachi learned, except when he sometimes forgot it was due to her milk, or when he was giving her a bath (this was exceedingly hard, and Itachi could not fathom how to give the child a bath without getting one himself) or when she...pooped.

Itachi could not understand why Heion was suddenly bawling loudly when a moment ago she was as peaceful as a flower. He tried everything he could think of – he sat her on his knees, set her on his shoulders as he ran around the house like a complete fool, unearthed all of Sasuke's toys so she could play with it and even dressed up in a moth-eaten weasel costume he found from one of their father's extremely old and smelly chests. But only Heion cried and cried, refusing to stop and Itachi's eardrums threatened to burst.

"What's wrong, Heion?" Itachi asked in great distress as he lifted her up from the tatami floor and cradled her close. He was still wearing the ridiculous weasel costume as he did so, and a small corner in his mind was extremely relieved that Sasuke was not here – or hell would follow. "Tell Daddy what is wrong...ssh, come now, and stop crying...stop crying, please!"

But the girl's shrieks only got shriller, and Itachi felt the warmth of her tears dampen his shoulder. That was when his nose caught the otherwise ugly stink. Itachi froze, Heion still crying her heart out on his shoulder. He sniffed the air tentatively – and he wrinkled his nose. And then he turned his sightless eyes toward Heion.

"Oh no...not that!"

For a moment Itachi stood there, weasel costume and all, biting his lower lip as he patted Heion on the back. He had hoped he would not have to change her diapers for this reason. But of course that was impossible, what with Heion's seemingly monstrous appetite. For some wild moments Itachi thought it was the Houou sealed into her that gorged up on all of those baby foods and milk.

Cursing long and soundly inside his head, Itachi placed Heion down on his bed and hurried to fetch a diaper, some cotton balls, a bowl of water and the rubberized mat that Sasuke had often used as he changed her.

"Shh, it's all right, Daddy Itachi's here to change your diapers..." he muttered.

It was hard enough given that Itachi was extremely ignorant in these matters, but given the fact that he was blind made things ten times more difficult. He fumbled around most of the time, and the unbelievably horrible stink made him cough several times. Good heavens, did baby poop really smell so bad? He cursed loudly as he knocked over the bowl of water when it was all nearly over, causing Heion to start up in fright and cry all over again. Itachi wanted to die.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you!" he cried as he picked her up and tried to soothe her down. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't do it again! Oh for Uchiha's sake, stop crying!"

Heion bawled for another ten minutes before her cries and shrieks were reduced to tiny sniffles as she buried her face onto Itachi's shoulder. Itachi hummed a lullaby that his mother used ages ago to put him and Sasuke to sleep as he waltzed slowly around the house in his weasel costume. Another ten minutes and Heion was fast asleep.

Slowly and carefully, Itachi put her down on his bed and put pillows on either side of her. The Uchiha gave an extremely relieved sigh as he stripped himself of the weasel costume and fumbled for his abandoned clothes. He could only imagine how the child's real parents managed to put up with her. Maybe she wasn't so jittery when the Houou wasn't yet locked into her tiny body. Itachi wondered vaguely if she would grow to be like Naruto and Gaara – the future Rokudaime with the Kyuubi and the Godaime Kazekage with the Shukaku were already legendary nins in their own right and at such a young age to boot!

Kicking the weasel costume aside and picking up the rolled-up soiled diaper, Itachi made his way to the back of the house where Sasuke kept the garbage for collection every Fridays and Tuesdays. Itachi threw the soiled diaper in a garbage bag and went back inside the house to fix himself some lunch.

As he waited for the microwave to finish reheating the casserole Sasuke had fixed, Itachi thought about the Akatsuki. He wondered where he could go the moment the organization found out that he no longer had his Sharingan and was therefore now useless to their purposes. The worst case scenario in Itachi's mind was that he may have to eventually be like Orochimaru – the Snake Sannin left the organization of his own volition, and was now in the Hot List. Itachi could very well see his own name listed down there too in the near future. And then...what next?

There was a loud ding as the microwave finished. Itachi fumbled for a moment as he took out his lunch and started to eat silently in the messy kitchen. But he still had the girl, and he could keep his uselessness quiet for as long as he needed to. That would mean avoiding nearly all confrontations in the future, or else finishing off foes quickly. He could not afford to have the Akatsuki know (much less Kisame or Deidara) that he was no longer the Sharingan master. He had nowhere else to go to, really. It was a lonely road ahead.

Lonely...the word came as a surprise to Uchiha Itachi. An awful lump appeared in his throat for no apparent reason. Well, his life had been lonely the moment he'd activated his Sharingan. Who said gifted nins did not have grievances? Itachi rose and took the dishes to be washed. For one moment it seemed that Itachi could guess why Orochimaru had suddenly changed and clung to the fox-boy Naruto as hard as he could. The life of a criminal was surely lonely, and no one could stand it forever. The glass bowl slipped from Itachi's soapy hands and landed with an odd clunk on the stainless sink. What in the name of Hokage was he thinking now?

Impossible. He'd killed his heart long ago and Sasuke hated him to the utmost. But if he still hated me as before, how come he didn't kill me off? Itachi thought as he picked up the bowl and rinsed it. It could be that Sasuke was only biding his time. His brother had this weird notion of fighting fairly – some rubbish principle Itachi was willing to bet his life that he'd learned from Naruto.

A sudden cry from the bedroom jerked Itachi out of his thoughts.

"I'm coming! Wait a minute -!"

He hurriedly wiped his hands dry on his shirt and went to Heion. After a minute he went to heat some water on the stove. Itachi marched back to the baby and left her in the living room with piles of Sasuke's toys. And then it was time to clean the house, but most especially his bedroom. He looked for an aerosol – air freshener – and sprayed deliberate amounts in his place. It was good that Sasuke left the cleaning tools and air freshener in easy reach.

The water boiled and Itachi took it off the stove, but he forgot to close it properly. He even left the aerosol can in dangerous proximity. He gave Heion some of the instant strawberry flavored baby food Sasuke bought for her. And then Itachi went for a wide straw hat, put it on his head and took Heion for a stroll down Konoha's streets.

Five minutes after their departure, a big explosion of fire shook the Uchiha compound.