Two: The Bad Idea
"You're out of your mind."
"Maybe I am!" grinned Tugger. "Is it at all possible?"
Mistoffelees shrugged. "Possible, sure... Just very, very difficult. It would involve magic I've only ever heard about. Heaviside magic."
"But possible?"
"Well, yeah... But Tugger, you can't be serious?"
"Why not?"
Mistoffelees' fur was starting to stand on end. "Because it's dangerous! Why would you want to take such a risk for a human?"
Tugger was silent for a moment, and then he said: "Because she fell asleep crying. Because I saw how heartbroken she was. Because she thinks she's repulsive when she really... isn't. She shouldn't think that of herself."
The magician snorted. "It's your funeral, mate."
"So you'll help me?"
"I suppose you won't leave me alone until I do," Mistoffelees sighed.
Tugger smiled. "Brilliant. So how soon can it be done?"
Mistoffelees raised a paw to calm him down. His yellow eyes gleamed, but he was smiling.
"Not so fast, tiger. Do you know anything at all about... being human?" He said the last part hesitatingly, as if he couldn't really believe he was going through with this.
Tugger paused. "Um. No."
"Hm. Figured as much."
The magician stood up and stretched out, yawning.
"So how are you supposed to convince this poor girl that you two are actually of the same specie? How are you supposed to go to this school dance if you can't move like a human? How are you..."
"Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it," interrupted Tugger. "So what do you suggest I do about it?"
Mistoffelees grinned widely. "I don't know. Charm school?"
"The dance is in two weeks!"
"That's perfect. I'll need a few days to prepare for this. Until then, you can prepare for the transformation. By learning something." He nodded towards Jennyanydots, who was scolding a young mouse for running around in the middle of class. "Go and see Jenny and Jelly about that. They know a lot about humans, so they should be able to teach you something. After all." He winked. "You wouldn't want to embarrass yourself in front of the lady, would you?"
"Tugger, dear, are you sure about this?" asked Jennyanydots kindly when the maned cat sat down in front of her as her students left for recess.
A very small mouse looked at Tugger with a tilted head and open mouth. Its little whiskers vibrated. Tugger showed his teeth, and the mouse squeaked with fear and ran off.
"Rum Tum Tugger, you behave," scolded Jennyanydots and frowned at him. "Just because they're smaller than you doesn't give you the right to bully them about."
"Sorry Jen," said Tugger with his most charming smile. "Look." He sighed and sneaked up a little closer to the old queen. "I'm not asking you to teach me tatting. Just a little bit about humans. How they act, how they do things. You know?"
Jennyanydots smiled. "Don't you try your charms on me, you devious thing. I'm much to old for that."
"My dear Jenny, you certainly don't look it."
She swatted at him. "Stop that. Very well. But if I'm going to teach you anything at all, I want you to pay attention. There will be no dilly-dally, you hear me?"
"Certainly. When shall we begin?"
"Right away, perhaps?" When Tugger didn't protest, she continued. "Now. There is one thing you must know about humans. It's a thing that affects their lives and basically everything they do. I got this from Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. Hold on a moment."
She turned around and jumped up into the car. She slunk into the front seat, and there was a rattle as she opened the glove compartment and took something out. She returned and proudly showed him what she had brought.
It was a small, shining silver disc. It was not exactly round, but had been formed so that it had seven sides. There were some markings on it, human writing, and a picture of a woman in profile. Tugger was pretty sure he had seen something like this before, probably in Paige's room.
"What is it?" he asked.
"It's a coin. It's money. Humans use it all the time. They exchange it for things, like services or food."
"My humans usually say that they spend a fortune on buying me cat food," smirked Tugger. "So this is what they spend?"
Jenny nodded. "Yes. It's very important to have money. Without it, they don't seem able to do anything."
"I shall be needing that, then," muttered Tugger to himself.
"What did you say, dear?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing... Did you say Jerrie and Teazer gave this to you?"
"Yes. It was a present."
"I see. All right. You don't happen to know the next time those two are coming to the junkyard, do you?"
"Well, they should be on their way right now. It's Tuesday. They always show up on Tuesday, never failing."
"Brilliant!" Tugger looked very pleased. Things were coming together nicely. "So what were you saying about this money thing..?"
About two hours later, Tugger heard the trademark sound of Rumpleteazer giggling, and he smiled widely.
"Ah, my favourite pair of burglars!" he called out as the calico siblings came out of the shadows.
Mungojerrie jumped, but Rumpleteazer merely grinned.
"'Ello Tugger," she said. "How's life as a profess'nal heart-breaker treatin' ya?"
"Not bad, not bad at all," Tugger chuckled. "It's good that you're here, both of you. I've got a little favour to ask. Or, you know, more of a question."
"That so?" said Mungojerrie. "Well, shoot."
"The things that you take from humans... What do you do with them?"
Rumpleteazer shrugged. "We let them lie aroun', mostly. Once you've taken 'em, there's really not much excitement left, ya know."
"Do you have any... money?"
Mungojerrie snorted. "Have we any money... Of course we've got money. Tons of it. A whole treasure chest. Why d'you ask?"
"No reason," replied Tugger innocently. Then he sighed in defeat. He might as well tell them. Odds were, they were going to find out what he was planning anyway. "I might need that money."
The siblings both raised an eyebrow. "What for?" they chorused.
Tugger explained what he intended to do. He told them about Paige, about the sadness in her eyes, about her hope to get a date for her silly dance. And then he said: "So my plan is that I get turned into a human by Mistoffelees, and then I'll take her to that dance myself! But for that I'll need money, and that's where you come in. So what do you say?"
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer exchanged a glance.
"I dunno, Tug," said the tom. "It seems very dangerous. Are ya really sure ya want to do it?"
"I've had this conversation with Misto already. It's no use that you try and talk me out of it. Either you help me, or you don't."
The siblings looked at each other again. Rumpleteazer giggled a little, and her brother smirked.
"What the hell," he said. "That money's just goin' ta waste anyway. Ya might as well have it. Come along."
He nodded for Tugger to follow them, which he did. The thieves led him across the junkyard and into an abandoned warehouse. It was stuffed with old boxes and things stacked together so tight that one had to jump from one box to another to get across the room. Apparently Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer had taken this route many times before, for they knew exactly where they were going. In the middle of the room there was an opening between the boxes. It was too narrow for a human, but a cat could easily slink through. Rumpleteazer went first in, and Tugger followed her.
He had thought that he would simply end up in-between boxes, but he had been wrong. The opening actually lead inside a box. It was very dark in there, but his feline eyes got used to it within seconds. The box was stacked with shining things. There were coins like Jennyanydots had shown him, of course, but also other sorts, in other metals. There was a silver goblet of some sort with human inscriptions on it, and a large plate had been placed so that it leaned against one wall of the box. And of course there were pearls. Tugger knew that Rumpleteazer had a special fondness for pearls, so he wasn't exactly surprised.
"D'ya like it?" she asked hopefully. "It's our secret lair. We keep our treasures in here."
"It's a great place," said Tugger truthfully. "And now, unfortunately, not very secret anymore."
Mungojerrie chuckled. "Nah, we have a dozen or so other places around the town. We're not so stupid that we're just keeping it all in one place."
"Anyway," his sister added. "Whatever ya want, ya can take it. It's not like we actually need it for somethin'. We just like how it looks."
"All right. The coins look pretty good." Tugger hesitated. "Those big ones right there... Are they worth more than the others?"
"Ah, so young, so innocent, so unknowin' about the worth of money," sighed Mungojerrie. "It's endearin' really, don't ya think, sis?"
"Very sweet." Rumpleteazer shook her head. "Don't worry, Tug. We'll teach you everythin' we know 'bout this. You'll be a right expert when the time comes to ask out ya little human lady friend, just sit down and listen. We'll get ya ready."