Written January 1st - 2nd 2006
Author's Note Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.
This story is a continuation of "An Eye For An Eye" and picks up from where the episode finished.
Living With An Eye For An Eye
By Rachel
Sully took a look at the scene before him and knew that he had a long, hard night, possibly even weeks, ahead of him. However the first thing to do was convince his pregnant wife and confused daughter to come home.
Sighing heavily, he walked over towards his precious, beautiful girls and placed his hands gently on Michaela's shoulders. Hoping not to startle them too much, he asked, "You alright?"
For a minute, he wondered if they had heard him above all the commotion coming from the saloon, but then came a quiet "Yes Pa" from Colleen.
Relieved to have some kind of acknowledgement, he tentatively asked if she was ready to go home—again with an affirmative. He suggested that she wait by the wagon until he and Michaela joined her.
Colleen could tell that Michaela hadn't heard Sully's initial question and consequently she had a suspicion that her pa needed to be alone with her ma, so she left the two standing in the middle of the dirt street while she walked slowly back towards the clinic and the waiting wagon.
Once Sully was ensured that Colleen was back by the clinic, he once again turned his attention to Michaela. He realized that she hadn't moved or reacted at all since the hanging had taken place. Gently but firmly, he turned her around so that she was facing him and not the gallows. Then, repeating his initial question, he said, "You alright Michaela?"
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Michaela looked directly at Sully and said, in the calmest, almost dead voice that Sully had ever heard, "What do you think?"…No I am not alright Sully and doubt if I ever will be!"
Sully had expected Michaela to be upset, even angry, but he certainly hadn't expected the defeat that came with her answer. Needing, now more than ever, to get her home where she could rest and say and do what she wanted without the prying eyes of the town he asked, "You wanna go home? Colleen's in the wagon with Brian."
When Michaela replied, "No, I want to be alone Sully. I need to go for a walk and think," Sully was left at a loss as to what to do. He knew that Michaela's wish to be on her own wasn't unusual in itself nor was her feeling of powerlessness and consequential sense of defeat.
He had witnessed both before, after the massacre at Washita. However, the difference for Sully this time was that his wife was seven months pregnant!
Sully decided that he had to make a stand, just this once, and get Michaela home as soon as possible.
So preparing himself for the fight which was going to ensue from his next statement he took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and said, "I know that ya really wanna be on your own now but ya need to go home and rest Michaela."
Receiving no verbal response he continued, " I am not takin' no for an answer, so you can either walk to the wagon…" He paused to take another deep breath he finished, "….or I'll carry ya, it's up to you."
The reply that Sully received came as no surprise at all, he could tell by the colour rising in his wife's cheeks and the speed at which she was now breathing that he was really in for a lashing, but he was prepared and was going to refuse to back down. Sully waited for Michaela to speak.
"What gives you the right to order me about? I am not a child! When did I lose the ability to think for myself and answer for myself Sully? I said that I wanted to be alone and I am not going home!"
Not being prepared to have an argument in the middle of town Sully took a deep, cleansing breath and calmly said, "Yes you are going home. You are seven months pregnant and have just had to deal with a terrible ordeal. No more arguing, Michaela!"
Just as he said the final syllable of her name Sully lifted his wife into his arms and carried her off towards the wagon.
Needless to say, Michaela was not amused in the slightest but knowing that it was pointless to struggle as Sully was much stronger than she was physically, Michaela decided that it would be better to allow Sully to place her lovingly onto the bench in the front of the wagon rather than fight him and risk getting hurt.
Colleen and Brian had been witnessing this exchange between their parents with a large degree of amusement, however they thought better of showing this to their ma.
They knew what a temper she had and they also knew that Sully was just as stubborn as she was and it was going to be a long night.
The ride back to the homestead was the quietest that Sully had ever had and he wondered if this was what the rest of the day and evening was going to be like with Michaela.
He surreptitiously glanced across at Michaela and discovered that she had tears running down her cheeks but was staring blankly at the scenery.
Sully didn't say anything but placed a hand on hers in an attempt to communicate that he was there and understood, even if he wasn't sure he did.
When they arrived at the homestead the children jumped down and ran inside and straight up to their bedrooms but once again Michaela seemed unresponsive, almost as if she didn't realise that the wagon had stopped and that they had arrived home.
Sully jumped down and reached up to help her off the wagon. She accepted his assistance, but the vacant look in her eyes scared Sully to his core. It was almost as if the lack of verbal communication was echoed right throughout Michaela's entire being.
What Sully was used to seeing in her eyes, the fire, the passion, the love, was replaced by complete nothingness. A complete vacant expression was played across her face that Sully wasn't even sure if she was still breathing until she said "thank you" and then brushed past him and into the house leaving Sully standing there totally confused and unsure.
Turning to release the horse from his burden Sully felt that he was in the same predicament but was unable to find a kind, caring soul to free him. Instead his soul mate had left him alone. Sully didn't think that he had felt so alone and afraid for years.
The fact that he really wasn't sure what had actually occurred to result in this reaction from Michaela concerned him greatly, but he felt that it was something that only he could help her with.
Sighing heavily and with an equally heavy heart, he led Bear to the barn and bedded him down. Turning to stroke Flash and Comet, he left the barn and entered his home with such a sense of uneasiness that he almost turned tale back towards the barn but decided against it.
Upon entering the kitchen the smell of supper cooking greeted him. Seeing Colleen stirring some culinary delight gave him a little ray of hope that all was not lost.
Kissing Colleen lightly on the cheek he said "You feeling ok? Anything I can do?"
As worry seeped into her voice, Colleen replied briefly but honestly, "I'm fine Pa, Ma needs you now more than I do. She's upstairs and says that she doesn't want any supper."
Colleen quickly added, almost as an after thought, "Don't worry Pa I'll make her up a tray and take it up to her later."
Appreciating his daughter's thoughtfulness and concern for her ma's welfare made Sully feel so proud that he replied, "Thanks Colleen, but you can talk t' me anytime, ya know that right?"
"Sure Pa, I know that, but honestly I'm fine for now but Ma isn't and you know it."
Acknowledging Colleen's wise words Sully nodded and made his way towards the stairs.
As Sully walked across the all too familiar lounge he felt like the homestead had suddenly increased in size. As he reached the bottom step this feeling was exacerbated so much so that he was convinced that an extra ten stairs had been added since this morning.
The reason for these feelings of nervousness and unease was simple. Michaela!
His wife who he always looked forward to seeing, especially in their own private sanctuary, was drawing away from him and hadn't uttered more than two words since their confrontation in town.
Sully knew how Michaela's mind worked and he could only imagine the turmoil that she was going through right now but unless he got her to open up about what happened and how she truly felt about it then there was absolutely no chance of her finding any solace or peace in the near future.
This fact was of course true for Colleen as much as Michaela but Sully knew that without Michaela's help Colleen would find it a lot harder to understand and then heal, and without Sully's help Michaela's healing would be impossible.
So with this thought firmly engrained on his mind, he opened the bedroom door prepared for any eventuality.
What greeted his crystal blue eyes was a sight that he would never forget as long as he lived.
The first thing that he noticed was the dark. There were no lamps lit, in fact, the only light visible was the fire that Brian had obviously lit as soon as they arrived home.
Curled up in front of the fire was a sleeping Michaela—or that was what it at first appeared to be—however, as he approached her rounded form, he discovered that she was crying and probably had been since they got home.
Sully felt mortified that she was probably crying because of him as much as the hanging but right now he had to calm her down and deal with the ramifications of his actions at a later date.
Michaela apparently still hadn't heard Sully enter the bedroom so Sully had to be very careful how he handled this.
Deciding that a verbal approach may be better to start with he quietly said, "Chaela?" Awaiting a response, but receiving none, he said, "Do ya want me to help ya get into bed?"
Silence was all Sully got so he tried again, this time, kneeling down behind her and placing a hand lovingly on her arm he said, "Chaela are you sure that ya don't want me to help ya into bed? The floor can't be that good for ya?"
Sully felt that Michaela might respond at this last question, as it was more generalized than a personal request.
Having heard all of what Sully had said but only willing to acknowledge the last Michaela said, "You are right that the floor is a little hard. Maybe it would be good to get into bed and onto a soft mattress. Thank you, Sully, some help would be good."
Although Michaela said all of that in a totally flat tone, Sully considered it to be a minor accomplishment, so he took what he could get and helped her up of the floor, kissing her hand as he did so.
Finally, after situating her in bed, he said, "Would ya like a bite t' eat? Colleen's got some stew goin'?"
Again, expecting a negative or no response, Sully was pleasantly surprise when Michaela agreed. "Thank you, that would be nice, I believe the baby is feeling a little hungry."
Sully knew that when Michaela used the baby as a reason for eating it was her way of saying, Oh, all right then, if I must. Although not ideal, it was better than nothing. So, Sully nodded and left to retrieve a tray of stew for Michaela and himself.
Once Sully had left, Michaela sighed and began to think. She had done nothing but think since this whole sordid affair had happened. However, now she was home and in the security of her, no, their bedroom she could begin to put her thoughts into some kind of order.
Deciding that she would need to talk with Sully in private away from the children, as she suspected that keeping her temper would not be on the cards she began to write down how she felt.
How could I allow this to happen? After all my father taught me and after all Colleen said. How could I allow this to happen?
With fresh tears streaming down her already tear stained cheeks, Michaela continued writing.
Colleen!…How can I ever look her in the eye again?…Why did I allow her to witness it?
Why didn't I stop Matthew?…What must he think of me now?
Why wasn't I stronger?…Oh Sully, why wasn't I stronger?…
But then her thoughts turned to Sully and what he had said and done earlier, although she knew, deep in her heart, that what he did he had only done out of profound love for her, it still didn't stop the thoughts from coming.
Why did you do it Sully?…Why did you make me look like a fool?
The last thoughts that Michaela had were of the baby. Having read recently that unborn baby's can feel their mother's anxiety and upset.
The baby!…Oh God the baby! How can I tell my baby that I allowed a man to be killed?
Before she placed the list on her bedside table Michaela took one last look at it and realized that she had to talk to Sully or she knew that this would torment her for months to come.
Finally giving into the exhaustion that had subconsciously been slowly taking hold of her since they had arrived home Michaela fell into a restless sleep.
Somewhat relieved that he had managed to at least get Michaela into bed and agreeing to have something to eat calmed Sully a little, but he knew that it was definitely the calm before the storm.
Upon entering the now deserted kitchen, Sully smiled to himself at the sight which awaited him.
Colleen had set a tray ready with the best china, a rose for her ma, and a note that read:
Dear Ma, Brian and I have turned in for the night, so please don't worry bout us. We are fine and will talk tomorrow. We have locked up so Pa can look after you. Try and eat a little and have as much rest as you can. We both love you. Colleen and Brian.
Placing the note back on the tray, Sully reached for the bowl and filled it with the stew that Colleen had left simmering over the stove.
Placing the bowl back on the tray, Sully had one more check around downstairs to ensure that everything was as it should be. Accepting that his wonderful children had locked up and shuttered the windows Sully retraced his steps, collected the tray, ascended the stairs and entered his bedroom.
What he saw made his heart feel a sense of hope and renewal—lying curled up asleep was his beautiful wife. With one hand resting on their baby and the other stroking his pillow, it really was a beautiful sight.
Sully was unsure whether to wake Michaela or leave her be for now, but what he saw next was to make the decision for him.
As he placed the tray on her nightstand he caught sight of a piece of tear stained paper. On it was Michaela's writing, her thoughts, her feelings even her fears.
Reading what his wife had said almost made Sully cry.
How could I allow this to happen? After all my father taught me and after all Colleen said. How could I allow this to happen?
Colleen!…How can I ever look her in the eye again?…Why did I allow her to witness it?
Why didn't I stop Matthew?…What must he think of me now?
Why wasn't I stronger?…Oh Sully why wasn't I stronger?…
Why did you do it Sully?…Why did you make me look like a fool?
The baby!…Oh God the baby! How can I tell my baby that I allowed a man to be killed?
By the time Sully had got to the mention of their baby he really was in tears. He wondered how many more times he would have to tell Michaela that she couldn't stop everything from happening and that things that went wrong weren't her fault.
Sully's first reaction was to talk with Michaela when she woke up but then he thought of a better way.
He decided to use Michaela's own words and actually write a response so that it would read like a letter, a love letter of sorts.
Sully left the tray and a sleeping Michaela, took the list and Michaela's writing pad and left the room.
Descending the stairs as quietly as he could, he re-lit the fire in the lounge placed a blanket over his shoulders and sat cross legged to begin to write.
My Dearest Michaela,
Oh how it saddens me to see you so confused and unsure.
You are the most precious, beautiful, most caring woman I have had the privilege to know, and I can have the honour of calling you my wife, lover and mother of our children.
You really will never know how much you mean to me, how lost I feel when you are not with me, how broken my soul is when you feel that I have let you down.
By using your own thoughts and fears I hope to show you that my love for you will always be there and that you have nothing to be afraid of, and that you can tell me anything my heartsong, anything.
You spoke of allowing this to happen and wondering what you Father would think of you.
Don't you see Michaela, you didn't allow this to happen, there was no town meeting, there was no council decision. Yes you wanted him to pay and felt that hanging him was the only way but the last thing I heard you say was "No Wait Matthew don't!"
If you hadn't said that Chaela then I would worry more about your wanting revenge but your own conscience made you speak up and try to stop it.
Michaela even if you had spoken up before it would still have happened, the town would have formed a lynch mob. It wasn't your fault; you tried to stop it so you didn't allow it to happen.
Your father would be an incredibly proud man if he could see you now. He taught you to listen to your heart and to feel. Your father would love you, he would not be ashamed of you.
As for what Matthew did. And what he thinks of you. He loves you. He knows what he did and he will have to find a way of living with that but he knows that you still love him, yes he may find it difficult to look at you, but only because he is worried that you will judge him. I know you Michaela, you aren't capable of judging people and I know that somehow you will make him see that in time.
I agree that Colleen shouldn't have seen it happen, that is as much my fault as yours but we can't do anything about that now. She knows that she can talk to us anytime she wants to. She will be alright, trust me, she will be alright.
I have never known anyone as strong as you. Your strength has kept our baby safe and out of harms way. Your strength has shown me how to love and live. You couldn't have done any more Michaela. As I said to you once before you are the strongest woman I know and you always will be.
Our baby will be fine, don't worry. If you want, in the future to tell our precious gift about tonight then I will support you unconditionally.
However one thing that I know fer sure is that it will be loved and cared for and adored and you will then be wondering why you were so worried. Please believe me, it will be fine.
Now, for what I did. Oh how I wish I hadn't acted so impetuously but I was worried about you. You are my life Chaela and I needed to get you home, to make sure you were safe. I am sorry if you felt that I was out of line. I am sorry if you felt that you looked like a fool. You didn't. I had to make a stand. I had to get you out of town the only way I knew how. I really am sorry Michaela if I embarrassed you. Please forgive a blind fool.
You have absolutely nothing, you hear, nothing to feel sorry or guilty or embarrassed about.
Please believe these final words if you don't believe anything else I have said.
You are an amazing mother, a wonderful, enthusiastic wife, an incredible doctor and a remarkable woman.
I love you!
Sully.
Heaving a sigh of relief and glancing at the clock on the mantle, Sully decided that if he didn't get some sleep soon it would be morning before he knew it.
Banking the fire for a second time and picking up Michaela's letter, he went upstairs for the final time that evening.
Placing Michaela's list where he had found it and putting his love letter next to it he joined his wife in bed. Gathering Michaela into his warm embrace, he soon succumbed to sleep.
Sometime during the wee hours of the morning, Sully felt Michaela stir, opening his eyes slowly, he turned to face her and said, "Ya ok?"
Sensing more than hearing Sully, Michaela looked into his crystal blue eyes and reached a hand out to stroke his cheek lovingly. She replied in a whisper, almost so quietly that Sully had to strain to hear, "I'm fine, baby woke me up, go back to sleep."
Nodding, Sully simply asked, "Can I get ya anythin?"
Kissing his cheek softly in silent appreciation, Michaela replied, "A cup of tea and a snack would be good, if you truly don't mind."
Smiling at his wife Sully said, "Cause I don't mind, be back in a minute."
With that, he lit one of the oil lamps, dimming it so as not to hurt Michaela's eyes, he left to fetch what his wife had requested.
As he descended the stairs he was smiling to himself, not really surprised that Michaela had woken up hungry because she had slept through supper and, consequently, hadn't had anything to eat since lunch.
Sully quickly assembled a midnight snack and returned to his waiting wife.
When Sully opened the door he was surprised to discover Michaela sitting up reading.
As he placed the tray down next to Michaela he realized that she was reading his letter.
Taking a deep breath and swallowing over the lump in his throat he decided on a neutral tack first so he said, "Here ya go."
As she looked up from her reading, Sully realized for the first time that Michaela was crying. However, Sully felt that these weren't tears of pain and recrimination but the start of the road to healing and forgiveness.
Michaela reached out to Sully in an almost unwritten, nonverbal request to be held.
Sully immediately responded by pulling her close and whispered words of reassurance and encouragement in her ear while stroking her long brown hair, almost like a father does to his little girl after a nightmare.
When Michaela started to pull back, Sully said, "Shh… it'll be alright. We'll get through this. You'll see it will be alright."
Amazed at her husband's perceptiveness, Michaela didn't know how to respond. All she could think of saying was "Thank you Sully, thank you."
Sully knew that the words that she had just spoken meant far more than for the average person. Not only was Michaela thanking him for the comfort but also for not giving up on her and many more things besides.
Michaela suspected that Sully would never truly realize what a gift he had given her in that letter just as Sully knew that Michaela would never truly believe how special she was and how much she meant to him.
Although Sully knew that there was still a long way to go, he now had a new belief that things would be ok and that his heartsong had returned.
Moving to lie down next to Michaela, he pulled her into a lover's embrace and all of her doubts were swept away by the strength and love that Sully had given her.
This was how they stayed for the rest of the night, kissing, caressing, whispering words of love and terms of endearment as only lovers could.
The End