What am I doing? What have I done? One minute Obi-Wan is hurling pillows at me and the next Padme and him are all over me. It is then that I realise that my mechanical hand no longer lays useless at my side, but is raised high above my head, clutching the white pillow inside its glowing grasp, poised to throw it back to the empty space where Obi-Wan was standing. I blink in surprise at the sight as all the consequences of this one simple action come flooding in. I can continue my Jedi training, I can eventually make Dooku pay for what he has done to me….I can marry Padme….I can marry Padme! I can marry the woman I have loved since the day we met, been apart from for ten years and finally got to love me in return. And yet I still can't believe that I've done it. I just sit staring at it as it glints and whirs above my head. I feel Bant head slowly over to me, and lower my arm gently back down, my eyes following all the way. Eventually I register her voice whispering gently to me.
"Anakin…how are you feeling?"
"I don't…I mean how…I'm confused…"
"It's ok, that's understandable, you weren't ready for this, and it is bound to come as a bit of a shock."
"How did…I mean what…"
But I can't seem to find the words. Everything about what has just happened, everything that has happened,is muddled. Bant sits beside me frowning and places a finger on each temple, resting them there for a moment, before removing them and sighing.
"I think its about time we left you alone for a while Anakin. You obviously have some things you need to sort through, and maybe its best you reflect on them alone. We'll be back soon."
Blankly I nod, not taking my focus off of my arm. I feel Padme gently squeeze my hand as she rises from the bed, following Bant out of the room, followed soon by Obi-Wan. And then I am alone, alone with just my thoughts. I push myself up so I am sitting cross legged on my bed. I place my mechanical arm in my lap and wiggle the fingers slowly. I feel now a small burning where the wires are fused to my nerves, but using the force I can dull it down.
It feels weird to see this…thing moving in the space where my real hand should be. I still don't quite understand how I have managed to do this, I expected it to be a lot harder than just simply doing it. In fact, I didn't even realise I had done anything until Padme's hands moved off my abdomen and her arms were suddenly flung round my neck. Oh how wonderful that felt….how wonderful it feels to have her by my side, soon to be by me forever. Soon….but I want it now. It frightens me that at any moment, Padme could be snatched from me before we get the chance to be together. I need her more than I think she or anyone else knows…like I needed my mother.
But to be with her, I need to 'recover'. But what if I don't recover? Physically, maybe in a couple of days, but mentally, psychologically? Even Obi-Wan and Bant are unsure of how long it is going to take for me to be back to how I was before all this happened. But what can I do? When I feel so lost and confused, unable to tell anyone of the things I've done. Guilt and fear consume me, feeding the cold dragon that is coiled, hissing and snapping behind my furnace heart, and it scares me. I need to tell someone, only Padme knows of my actions at the Tusken Camp, and only she will know of our marriage. I need someone else, someone who understands…what about Obi-wan? No…No I can't tell him, it would break his heart to know I've disobeyed him and the code that he lives by, betrayed his trust in me. Oh force, how the hell can I keep this from him? He's my father, how can I do this to him? There's only one person I can talk to…I can trust absolutely…but to do that I need to get out of this bed.
I swing my legs over the side, breathing deeply as my soles touch the soft carpet. I slide the IV needle out the back of my hand and place a small amount of pressure on my legs, throwing up force walls in my mind to stop Obi-Wan from sensing the pain shooting through my legs. Groaning, I push myself to my feet, leaning heavily on the dresser at my side. I grin to myself, thinking this should be the easiest part for me to do. Well that was until my legs buckled again and I fell down.
This time I can't help but yell in agony, the unnatural pressure on my legs making my muscles spasm. My eyes squeeze shut against the pain, trying to suppress my aching muscles, trying to stop them from sending shockwaves of pain through me. Luckily, Obi-Wan hasn't heard my desperate screams…either that or he's just letting me deal with this alone.
I force myself to stand up again and this time manage to take a couple of steps forward before having to stop as my legs grow weak.
"Anakin!"
I look over to the door and groan as Obi-Wan steps furiously into the room.
"Anakin! What in force name do you think you are doing!"
He crosses over to me, pulling one of my arms over his shoulders, supporting me back to the bed, where I sit angrily. I look up to him as he stands above me, arms folded across his chest.
"Alright, I'm waiting for the explanation."
"I was walking Master! I would have thought that was obvious. I know your old but I didn't think you were blind."
"Anakin now is not the time for joking around. You could have seriously hurt yourself! You know Bant said not to try this until your legs are stronger."
I can feel the anger bubbling inside me as he scolds. I need to talk to Palpatine, I don't want to hurt Obi-Wan and to protect him I need to see Palpatine!
"For Force Sake Obi-Wan, I don't care what Bant says. She's just another healer and I don't trust her. I know what's best for me not her, she isn't me and she doesn't know me. I was walking around the room not running around the whole temple. And yes, alright it hurt and I fell down…but why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again! You are not going to be here every time I fall. I've picked myself back up for 9 years…I can take care of myself."
"Anakin…I trust Bant, she's one of my oldest friends and she is trying her best to get you well again. How can you get better if you keep disobeying orders? Its all very well saying you can pick yourself back up again but what happens when you can't? What happens when you're alone and you fall with no one to help?"
I remain silent, diverting my attention to a blood stain on the floor. I bring my bandaged hand to my lap. This is what happens when I fall with no one to catch me….I get hurt….others get hurt….Innocents feel the consequences of my anger and they hurt. This is why I need to talk to Palpatine.
"Master…I am sick to death of being treated like I'm an invalid!"
"You are an invalid! Not to mention a danger to yourself!"
I push myself off the bed into a standing position again, towering slightly above Obi-Wan.
"There is nothing wrong with me Master! I'm just not used to being on my feet. If you want to help me, stop listening to the healers advice and trust me."
I see him falter, looking directly into my eyes with his saddened, weary look that I loathe because it always takes the focus of the conflict off of the point, because it makes him look far older then he is. I sigh and place my bandaged hand on his shoulder.
"Master…let me do this for myself. I need to get back on my feet."
I see his shoulders drop in submission and he looks down at the floor, before removing my hand from his shoulder.
"Alright Anakin, but you stay right here in the apartment, no gallivanting off around the temple."
"Agreed, although I don't think I could even if I wanted to do you?"
He smiles
"True…Padme's gone with Bant to the healer's wing, Bant wants to check her Nexu wounds. Do you want me to get her back up here, I know she helps support you."
"No, I just need to do this on my own, thanks anyway Master."
He nods to me and turns out the room, but not before telling me he'll be out in the living area if I need him. I smile, and realise sadly that I do need him…but to keep him with me, I need to talk to Palpatine….to start getting better.