La Mouette Lunaire proudly presents
Resident Gameshow
Chapter 2: We could be wearing high heels (Jeopardy II)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The camera zooms in on a nicely furnished room with huge, blue windows and a blue sofa in the middle. On the sofa lies a pile of letters on which NQI's jellyfish is sitting. It yawns, glares at the camera and grabs a letter.
"Welcome, unsuspecting viewers, to my little lair. I would like to say a few things before the show begins. First of all I must insist that the answers on our show are not to be called retarded! They are to be called mentally-challenged and are thus in order to correspond with the hostess and her contestants. "
"Also we have received a review asking why the hostess was wearing a jellyfish on her head. Well, she is not. I repeat: the hostess is NOT wearing a jellyfish on her head!"
It pauses. "The jellyfish is wearing her."
The jellyfish looks through a few letters until it finds a piece of paper. It coughs. "Lastly there are some things Lady wants me to tell you. She would like me to mention that Alfred Ashford is not nearly as annoying as Sherry Birkin or Steve Burnside. I don't know why she wants me to say that but she probably has her reasons. As she had when she decided to sell her house, including everything she owned, in order to buy a golden spoon which-"
A young man appears and points at his watch nervously. The jellyfish sighs.
"Alright, alright. Lastly NQI would like to thank two of her oldest and most insane friends who once again took their time to read and review this story. Special thanks to Phantom and otaku and huge thanks to everyone else who reviewed. And now-"
The jellyfish jumps over to the window and opens it.
"Off to the shooooooooooooow!"
- - -
Change of scene. A TV studio. A young girl runs in, holding up a sign saying 'STOP DISCRIMINATION! EQUAL RIGHTS FOR FRESH FRUIT!'. The light is turned off, screams and various insults are heard. As the light is turned back on the studio is empty again, save for the audience, which is enough not to make the studio seem empty, my point being that the studio actually isn't empty at all but the girl is gone. So we might change that to… the stage is empty. Yes. Yes, it is. Save for a bloody sign on which 'Resident Jeopardy' has been sprayed on with whipped scream.
Eventually everybody's favourite hostess enters. Favourite, because there isn't anybody else around to do the job so we can at least give her that. As usual she is wearing a random purple attire and a jellyfish on her head. Oh, sorry. I mean, she is wearing a random purple attire whilst being worn by a jellyfish. Uh…yeah.
"Hullo and welcome everyone to our series of unfortunate events or game show, as it has once been called by a very brave man who is no longer with us. May his soul rest in piece- err, peace"
NQI takes out a set of cards, strikes an inane pose and screams on the top of her lungs: "AND NOW OFF TO ANOTHER ROUND OF RESIDENT JEOPARDY, TODAY WITH THREE ENTIRELY NEW AND IMPROVED CONTESTANTS, NAMELY STEVE BURNSIDE, SHERRY BIRKIN AND ALFRED ASHFORD!"
She gasps for air and takes a disapproving look at what she just read. She then faces the entrance and awaits her contestants, but…
"Apart from the unpleasant coincidence involved in this I really wonder why we had to pick three people who aren't exactly known for sticking around where you tell them to. Seriously, is it that hard to have my contestants ready when I-"
Whispers from behind the camera can be heard. NQI crosses her arms and stares indignantly at the ceiling. She shakes her head and turns her back to the audience. More whispers and sighs are heard offstage until eventually a young man rushes in and hands NQI a bunch of money in a paper bag. She looks at it and turns around.
"Very well, we're off to plan B. Since we can't afford to find new contestants all the time our crew has apparently worked out a way to… lure in the old ones. Ahem. THE CAGE!"
Nicholas Cage appears onstage and waves at the audience. Two women immediately jump up from their seats and drag him away under the ever-watchful glare of a slightly annoyed hostess and her mildly amused jellyfish.
Moments later an actual cage is brought in, his 'inmate' being none other than a thoroughly upset, yet still entirely human version of Dr. William Birkin. While his curses are heard loud and clear, the hostess is leaning against a podium, sipping a cup of coffee, apparently waiting for something to happen. And indeed, only moments later-
"DADDY! DADDY, NO!", screams young Sherry and emerges from a dark corner somewhere near where the audience is seated. She tries to reach her father's cage but is violently jerked away and pushed behind her podium by one of many random assistants.
In the meantime a strange noise, apparently coming from the ceiling, has been getting louder and louder until it is now clearly identifiable as…
"Very well, Doctor Birkin. I see you have finally taken to the lifestyle of the filthy rodents in your laboratory. MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Still cackling insanely, Alfred Ashford jumps from the ceiling to launch a close-up insult on his sister's rival but is held back by another assistant who politely invites him to grace one of the podiums with his presence. Deciding to continue his taunting-activities later he agrees and strolls over to his podium, sticking out his tongue at Sherry as he walks by.
"Mmmhh ppphhhmmm mmmghmm!"
"YIKES!" replies NQI, jumps up shrieking and falls over before turning around and facing the person responsible for said action. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, SNEAKING UP BEHIND ME LIKE- oh, wait. It's you. Let me give it another try then. WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SHOWING UP WHENEVER YOU LIKE, JUST LIKE THAT?"
Abashed Steve swallows and throws away the rest of his sandwich before walking over to his podium whilst mumbling some sort of apology that probably sounded something like 'Sorry, but I was hungry and went off to buy a sandwich and on the way I found your laptop and checked it and then I found those pics of-'
…but there's no need to go into detail since we might have gotten it all wrong with the mumbling anyway. So, where were we? Ah, yes. NQI was happily looking at her three contestants, enjoying a moment of accomplishment and peace which she knew was only going to last as long as it would take for Alfred and Steve to realize that they were in a room together.
But this would probably take a moment so NQI took the time to adjust her jellyfish and address the audience.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, everything's settled and I will now announce today's categories, namely 'History' 'Overused gags in the world of survival horror' 'Things you can set on fire easily' 'Bread' 'Things you shouldn't set on fire even though you can' 'Too sexy to be virtuous' and 'Movies'. And since I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible, I'll select the first category for Sherry. Are you ready, girl?"
Sherry, who is standing on a wooden box behind her podium, nods confidently.
"Great, then that's 'History' for 200 for you and the answer is: Alexander the Great"
"MY FATHER WAS USELESS! HE BROUGHT SHAME ON THE GLORIOUS ASHFORDS AND RUINED OUR FINE REPUTATION!"
"Uh, okay. Well, that's partly correct but still you didn't say the answer in form of a question, I'm sorry", says the host calmly, careful not to disturb the twitching Ashford further.
"Where's my sandwich?"
"No Steve, that doesn't even come close to it"
"You took it, didn't you? Didn't you, freak?"
"Steve, you've had your turn and you-"
"How dare you address me, Alfred Ashford, in such manner? HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME ANYWAY?"
NQI tries to blank out what is going on next to her and looks up pleadingly. Finally a red light starts to blink and NQI brightens up.
"I'm sorry to interrupt your keen guessing but it's time for a COMMERCIAL BREAK! YAY!"
- Product Placement -
Birds are chirping, trees are rustling in the breeze – we witness the beauty of a rural landscape in all its quaint glory. The window of a little cottage opens and the camera zooms in on the face of an old Spanish woman.
"Evening well! Have you wondered ever where you could book vacation of family? To find the silence and-"
Some sort of muttering is heard in the background and we briefly see the silhouette of two men, one of them who is apparently tied up and gagged, the other who is trying to stop him from coming closer to the window.
The woman smiles broadly into the camera and disappears inside, closing the window behind her.
Screams of "Gojedlo!", "Detras de ti, imbecil!" and "Dale! DALE!" are heard, followed by the noise of breaking glass and a loud thump. After a brief silence the woman emerges from the cottage and smiles broadly as before.
"Where I was? Scenery! Scenery beautiful and peace for all! Persons always good to foreigners and accommodations very lovely! Stay in Spain will-"
Suddenly the window bursts open and a bloody hand emerges from within but is quickly jerked back by some invisible force. The window is quickly shut again and the screaming starts once more.
"No dejes que escape vivo!" "Mierda!" "MATENLO!"
A gunshot is heard, followed by silence and a man emerging from the cottage in dirty, suspiciously reddish clothes. He approaches the woman, puts an arm around her shoulder and grins broadly as they say in unison: "Spain – where the individual is loved!"
Behind them the cottage blows up and the screen goes static.
- End Product Placement -
A familiar studio, the hostess and an assistant are struggling for what appears to be a bottle of gin.
"IT'S MINE! I BOUGHT IT AND I HAVE TO HOST THIS STUPID SHOW! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO-"
The assistant points at the camera and uses the hostess' momentarily distraction to grab the bottle and disappear.
"Damn. Er, I mean: Hullah and welcome back to Resident Jeopardy! Due to the violent nature of our contestants-"
She glares over to Steve and Alfred who are both severely injured and too worn out to continue their fight immediately. In the middle Sherry is standing on her podium happily, chewing on Steve's sandwich.
"…we have once again shortened Round 1 and are heading straight for Double Jeopardy! Sherry, care to pick a category yourself?"
"Mhhmm! Fhhmm!"
"Oookay. I'll make that 'Too sexy to be virtuous' for 600. And the answer is: Blond and 5.7 feet tall this incredibly sexy, bio-enhanced villain is not to be underestimated"
"Who am I?"
"ALFRED! YOU'RE NOT- oh."
Re-judging the miserable look on Alfred's face and his constant swaying including several groans of pain NQI changes her tone from angered to worried as she realizes that the reason for Alfred's comment is not sheer egomania as momentarily suspected.
"Oh dear, I really underestimated somebody's anger problems here", she states and looks at Steve who seizes the moment and passes out with a triumphant yell of 'YOU ROCK, GIRL!'
NQI sighs and glances at her cards. "Okay, the correct answer was-"
"Albert Wesker", booms a voice as the same emerges from the shadows.
"Not that it matters since you're not a contestant, but that's incorrect."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is."
"It's not. I'm blond, bio-enhanced and of course incredibly sexy" Wesker explains, pointing a gun at the hostess to clarify his statement.
"Fine, but you're not 5.7 feet tall."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you're not. I'm 5.7 feet tall but you're clearly taller, 5.9 at least I'd say."
Wesker pauses.
"I could be wearing high heels."
The audience falls silent, NQI glares at him in disbelief and Sherry snickers. Wesker considers the situation and turns around, leaving the studio in quiet dignity.
"Today's your lucky day, hostess. Next time we meet, don't count on luck!"
NQI watches him in disbelief and browses trough her cards. "The correct answer was 'Who is Alexia Ashford?' which means that Alfred gets the points since his answers was correct, in his little, screwed-up world anyway."
NQI adjusts her jellyfish, eying every shadowy corner suspiciously.
"May I choose a category?"
"What?"
"I'm bored in this cage. Mister Burnside is unable to utter his wishes and-"
"But it's Alfred's turn. And you're not even a contestant."
"But I was here first!"
"Yeah, so? Now leave me alone and play with your G-Virus or something. Alfred? … ALFRED!"
"NOT THE PEAS!" Alfred Ashford screams and hides behind his podium.
"…peas?"
The hostess seems to consider further questioning but decides that it would probably only lead to a bunch of things neither she nor the audience wants to know. She thus re-organizes her cards and continues.
"And that's 'Overused gags in the world of survival horror' for 800 for no one in particular."
NQI opens her coat and takes out a pair of sunglasses. "This item is strongly connected with one of the most overused gags in the world of survival-"
"Whew!"
"YARGH!", the hostess screams and falls over in an elegant manner as Barry mysteriously appears behind her, inspecting the sunglasses worriedly.
"I sure hope those aren't Chris's sunglasses!"
"NO!", yells NQI, stands up and snatches the shades from Barry. Luckily she's to busy glaring at him angrily, else she would have noticed that the actual contestants didn't pay the least bit attention to her question, either because they were still unconscious, hiding behind their podium from peas or playing with a little Nemesis doll.
Instead, NQI eyes Barry as he walks away from her, apparently leaving the stage but turning around and lifting a curtain in the last second.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Wagering another guess!" Barry laughs and jumps onto some sort of platform, where his band has mysteriously appeared. Their lead singer has changed though and instead of Barry we hear a familiar voice which-
"I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can watch you weave, then breath your story lines. And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can… keep track of the visions in my eyes. Don't-"
"WESKER!"
"I told you I'd be back. And you owe me 800 points."
Slowly and ever so slightly the hostesses eyes start twitching in an insanely violent way.
"Fine… okay… that's … great. Congrats, 800 points for you, Wesker. And 800 points for Steve and Alfred! Make it double for Birkin! Oh, and while we're at it: 1000 points for the audience! AND YOU-" she screeches, pointing at the computer screen "777,93 POINTS FOR YOU! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POINTS! POINTS! POINTS FOR EVERYONE!"
Sherry clutches her father's cage worriedly and Wesker featuring Barry's Band start backing away slowly, keeping a watchful eye on the hostess who is cackling madly while throwing her cards at random staff members. Her jellyfish seems concerned.
Eventually an assistant rushes in and holds up a large sign saying 'Technical Difficulties – Commercial Break'
- Product Placement -
An old, run down laboratory. Broken shelves and torn papers are spread all across the room. Cobwebs are hanging from the ceiling. And in the middle of this mess stands… a lonesome zombie.
"Guuuaaaaarrrrghhhh!"
The screen turns black. The writing 'Brains – 4 itchy taste!' appears before it goes completely blank.
- End Product Placement -
Back at the studio. Wesker, Barry and pretty much everyone else except for the audience and Sherry has disappeared. NQI is clutching her bottle of gin tightly, muttering incoherently until she sees the camera and puts on a weird smile.
"Welcome back, wonderful audience, to our third round of Resident Jeopardy – Final Jeopardy! Without further ado I present the last question of today's game show edition: "Unlike things you shouldn't set on fire even though you can those nifty little gadget are designed entirely for the purpose of being set on fire and come with a matchbox""
NQI stares at her watch and yawns while Sherry eagerly scribbles down her answer. After a while NQI turns to her. "Times up, let's see what you wrote. And you wrote… 'What are matches?' … very good, that is indeed the correct answer."
Sherry smiles proudly and NQI turns to the camera. "Well folks, that's it for-"
"Wait, what about my money?"
"Money? Which money?"
"I won! I'm supposed to get a present or something!"
"HA! Girl, you're not even able to use this podium without a box. Do you really thing the studio's going to give you MONEY?"
Sherry looks at the annoyed hostesses face pleadingly but NQI only stares back blankly and Sherry eventually starts sobbing, calling out for her dad.
"Awww, isn't it a shame? Sherry lost and daddy is still in his- uh oh."
The grin on NQI's face abruptly dies as Birkin's cage falls into her view. It is now torn a part and richly decorated with the dead bodies of two assistants. The fact that Sherry was just then calling out her dad's name happily doesn't improve the situation either.
Calculating how fast her high heels can actually carry her, NQI listens to the quite irregular breathing right behind her and slowly pulls out her purse, handing it to Sherry who is now smiling broadly.
"Heh… good girl!"
"GROOOAAARRRGHHH!"
"YIKES!"
The audience cheers and Sherry waves with her new purse after NQI who has just fled the studio, closely followed by the 3rd mutation of Dr. William Birkin.
Also smiling, Albert Wesker emerges from the shadows once more, takes a deep and evilly sexy bow and laughs demonically as the image slowly fades away.
"The End!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The end indeed. I felt like writing one more edition of Jeopardy even though I think it wasn't as good as the first one. Suggestions for shows, candidates and general improvement are always welcome.
Thanks for reading!