All right! This story is just like the title says: A shrink interviews the characters of POTC! This should be interesting...

If you have any questions you want to ask the characters, then drop off a review. Or if you have any requests, the same to ya.

And about the shrink, I myself have never been to a therapist, (although I should be seeing one) so I am basing the shrink on the shrink of my imagination! She won't be so friendly though, so don't expect her to be. Quite the sarcastic one, actually. I've based her personality a bit on me (the sarcastic bits) and a bit on my friends. (The nicer bits)

And just so you know, I think it's obvious that Jack has crossed into the modern world since he's seeing a shrink. This is also indicated by a mention of credit cards.

And not to be a bitch with the long comments right here, but don't expect me to do all those apostrophes in Jack's dialogue. You know, when they go "Yer no' expe'tin' somethin'." and the like, as I don't think he talks like that in the movie. And also because I 'm lazy.

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. I own my shrink in the sense that I have created her. In my mind. I also don't own a few lines that will be mentioned at the end.

Let's start with a look in the waiting room... But first, I suggest you read my comments at the beginning of this chapter. I can't force you, but I suggest you read them.

Note: I went back over this chapter and corrected some of the grammer and spelling. Nothing major though. I just tweaked it. You don't have to re-read it if you've already read it.

"Hmmmmmm... Hmmmmmm... Hmmm..." Jack Sparrow was bored. He was never one for patience. Or sanity. Not only that, but his chair was extremely uncomfortable.

He wondered why people insisted to furnish their waiting rooms-the rooms their customers spend the most time in- with horrible wooden chairs. And he also wondered why they populated their tables with useless women magazines, such as 'People' and 'Time.'

It was a load of rubbish if you asked him.

So, to relieve himself of his boredom, he had, without realizing, begun to hum. In the tune of the theme song to 'Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood,' a song that would become wedged into the mind of anyone who heard him.

"Hmmmmm hmm hm hm hm hm hm-"

"Would you stop that blasted humming!" yelled Elizabeth Swann angrily. She had been sitting beside the captain for a good hour and a half, and all that time he had been humming. Not only did it sound like a bee hive being run over with a lawn mower, but now she had the song stuck in her head.

"Is there a Mr. Captain Jack Sparrow here?" called a bored-looking secretary from the front desk. The things she put up with in a day. And they called this a 'career.'

Jack, who had just noticed her, smiled dashingly at her, as she was not too bad in the looks department. "Yes?"

The secretary rolled her eyes, although blushing slightly at the sudden attention. "You can go on in."

The secretary-who shall be called Willis from now on- pointed to a mahogany door to the right of her desk.

"Ta." said Jack, tipping his hat and giving her a wink as he walked through the door.

Will (Turner) sighed tiredly and grabbed the February issue of Jane Magazine, and became absorbed into an article titled "Softening those Coarse Hands."

"Hello there, darling." said Jack to the attractive therapist as he entered her small office.

"Sit." she said without looking up. She'd dealt with that kind of man before. Think they're God's gift to women or something.

"My name is Liam; I will be your therapist. You may call me Mrs." Liam paused to indicate her ring. "Finch."

Jack seated himself into a squishy brown armchair, looking the shrink up and down. Brown hair, blue eyes, smart brown suit. 'A challenge.' he thought to himself.

"So, Liam," he began. "Mrs. Finch." she interrupted. "Mrs. Finch, then."

"We'll begin with a brief history of your past. You will tell me about your childhood and present life," Liam glanced over her black clipboard. "And I will evaluate what I think are your problems. And remember, I said brief."

"Well," began Jack, raising his eyebrows as Liam raised her pen, poised to write. "When I was a boy, I lived with my father and mother. My mother was a very proper sort of woman, always making sure I was clean." Jack shuddered at the word.

Liam motioned for him to continue.

"I was tutored by a man named Giles when I was five; I infested his wig with spiders three months after he began. Needless to say, he quit." Jack grinned at the memory. "A new governor was hired, she was a pretty one, her name was Jane, and so she stayed until I was near fifteen. Then she got married, so I convinced her that I was a cannibal, though I don't remember how. Needless to say, she left."

Liam had barely written down a sentence and was already staring at him with a bored expression on her face. "Brief!" she said through a loud cough. Then she smiled almost apologetically. "I'm sorry, I have a throat cold. Go on then."

Jack glared and headed into his tale, rushing it along.

"Anyways, my new governess was a tough lad, so he stayed for a while. He taught me about ships and pirates and the code and whatnot. Terribly fascinating." Liam nodded, and began scribbling furiously. Jack raised his eyebrows. "My father wanted to marry me off to a young woman, terribly misshapen in the face area, but extremely rich. As you can imagine, I left and became a sailor. I enlisted in the navy for several months, got promoted to captain. We were captured midway to France, and I was given the choice to walk the plank or join the crew. I joined. Soon I got my own ship, the Black Pearl, and became captain."

Once again, Liam had stopped taking notes and yawned obviously.

"Barbossa marooned me and took my treasure, got curse by the treasure; I killed him and got me ship back. The end."

"Ahh." Liam glanced at her messy noted. Jack couldn't see, but her 'notes' were actually crude scribblings of Jack with a large potbelly eating a stack of pancakes. She stifled a smile as she cleared her throat. "What I got from that is that you are a nymphomaniac, pyromaniac, schizophrenic, compulsive liar and sociopath. And a compulsive drinker. What do you think of that?"

Jack opened his mouth to protest. Then he stopped and thought about it. "Hmm." he said, considering. "I think you got it. I do love fire, sometimes I see things and talk to myself, making up stories, and I am quite the socio. And who's to say I don't like my rum? But you got the nymphomaniac thingy wrong. I am far from it."

"HA!" yelled Liam. "HAHAHAHA!" the shrink bent over with laughter.

Jack crossed his arms indignantly and began to pout like a child. "I am not." He frowned almost angrily. "And you can't prove it!"

"That's what you think." said Liam, jabbing the pirate with her pen in the ribs savagely. Then she pulled out a large stack of papers. "Ow." muttered Jack as he rubbed his ribs sorely.

"These are your credit card bills." Liam said smartly, pulling out a pair of black-rimmed glasses and placing them on her nose.

"Credit card?" said Jack wrinkling his nose. "What's that?"

"Whenever you spend any money, even the smallest amount, your purchase and the amount you've spent is recorded. This is normally used for credit cards, but you don't have one, so this is what I got."

"Hmm."

"Stop humming every time I tell you something you don't like. It's dreadfully annoying."

"Hm- I mean, yes."

Liam glanced over the first page of the 'credit card bills,' listing everything on it, leaving out all the rum charges.

"Prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, Bit Morty's House of Love," at this one a small smile flickered over the shrink's face. "Prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, and condoms sized extra small, pros-"

"Hey!" interrupted Jack. "That last one's a lie."

Liam snorted and continued down the long list. "Prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, Myrtle's House of Drag, Country Club in Barbados, prostitute, prostitute, and prostitute." she raised her eyebrows as she flipped to the next page. "Shall I continue?"

"NO! I mean... No. That's quite enough." Jack was getting annoyed. "I thought you people were supposed to make me feel better or cure me or something good."

"You're right." said Liam apologetically. "So let's get to it. We're going to do several activities. This first one is for something I can't remember. I'm going to hold up a card with a colour on it, and you'll tell me the first thing that pops into your head when you see it."

She held up a red card.

"Trees"

Blue.

"Grass."

Green.

"The sun."

"Are you on drugs?"

"It's what I think of!"

Pink.

"Fluffy bunnies. Wait! I mean... masculine stuff." Jack thought for a moment, blushing slightly. "Like... guns. Yeah, guns."

Liam made a small note on her clipboard. A drawing of Jack wearing a tutu and dancing with a little duck.

Black.

"Death."

"The first sane thing you've uttered all day." muttered Liam, drawing a small picture of a daisy on her clipboard."

Yellow.

"Blasting Barbossa to OBLIVION!"

"Let's start something else..." Liam suggested. "I'm going to say a word and you're going to say the first thing that pops into your head."

Jack shrugged. "You're sure this is doing something?"

"Positive. Happiness?"

"The Black Pearl."

"Sadness."

"Norrington."

"... Anger."

"Norrington."

"Hate."

"Barbossa. And Norrington."

"Anger."

"Didn't you just do that one?"

"Shut up. Anger."

"Bloody Elizabeth burned all the rum"

"Friend."

"The Black Pearl."

"Girl."

"Will."

"Boy."

"Anyone but Norrington."

"Man."

"Me."

"Woman."

"Lampshade." Jack grinned at his answer. Liam grimaced at how he could link a woman to a lampshade. (1)

"Pirate."

"Me."

"Inebriated."

"What?"

"...Drunk."

"Gibbs. No. Anamaria."

"Heaven."

"Bar."

"Hell."

"Norrington."

"That's enough of that..." said Liam, raising her eyebrows, still disturbed at Jack's answer to 'woman.' "This next exercise is supposed to help me see things through your mind. Although I'm not sure I want to anymore. I'm going to hold up a card with an inkblot on it and you'll tell me what you see."

She held up the first card.

"Ink?"

Liam groaned. This was getting to be a long session. "No. Something besides ink. Or paper. Think of what the shape reminds you of."

They tried again.

"That one's Barbossa drying on a clothesline. That one's Norrington eating his hat in anger because I've just escaped from him again." Jack looked at the next one thoughtfully. "That one's an army of kangaroos maiming Norrington in hell. That one's me having a picnic with my ship. That one's Norrington licking cereal off of a shark's tonsils. That one's Norrington being forced to walk on hot coals. And that one's-"

"Let me guess. Norrington?"

"No. Actually that's Will fucking Governor Swann. I don't know why I see that. It's rather disturbing." (2)

"...Um..." By now Liam was severely disturbed by Jack's point of view. "I sense a lot of anger towards this... Norrington. Would it make you more comfortable if he was here?"

Jack looked thoughtful again. (3) "Can I kill him?"

"No, but you can insult him all you want."

"I'm in."

"Would you like to bring in your friend Will? I've heard you two are rather close."

"Hmm." Jack hummed annoyingly. Liam shot him a warning look. Will guaranteed a few laughs, what with his being a eunuch. "Sure."

A/N:

(1) Kind of gross once you think about it. Like, really think about how you can connect a woman to a lampshade… I don't know how I thought about that line. I just randomly typed lampshade and my mind went wild. If you don't get it, then that's okay. You don't have to think about it. But you will if you REALLY think about it.

(2) This is a funny line. This line is basically a line I found on another story called 'Purgatory' that has been deleted… Blasted rules…

(3) Scary to think of Jack looking thoughtful. Okay, that was harsh. I was joking.

Okay, so, next chapter will be Norrington, Will and Jack's session together. And the chapter after that will be another individual session with either Elizabeth or Norrington. So, let me know if you have a question or whatever. Reviews are always appreciated. Cheers! Bottom of Form