Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. 'Tis a sad thing. For me.
'Jack, Will, and Norrington's Session'
"So..." began Liam quietly, staring at each of her victim- I mean... patients, in turn. "From what Jack's told me, I've sensed that there are some... unresolved conflicts between Mr. Turner, Mr. Sparrow and you, Mr. Norrington."
Norrington frowned deeply.
"Did they tell you that I was gay? Because I'm not. They're always saying stuff like that." Jack snickered loudly, and Will grinned. "Or at least, the AUTHOR is always making them say stuff like that. EVEN THOUGH she's always mentioning that she doesn't think I'm a wimp."
"Authoress?" Liam looked interested.
"Yes. This is all a story, written by some bored chick with nothing better to do. She craves attention."
"I see..." This time Liam actually took a note. It read: 'Norrington seems to have some preconcieved notion that he is not real. Perhaps because of a childhood mishap?'
Then she drew a small charicture of Norrington in a clown costume with a small speech bubble that said, 'Stop laughing at me...'
She snickered lightly and the three men before her stared.
"It's nothing..." Norrington raised his eyebrow.
"Now, I believe that it would help if we talked over these 'unresolved issues' starting with the person that everyone seems to hate."
"Haha!" laughed Will as he pointed to Norrington. "It's YOU!"
"Actually," said Liam. "It's YOU Mr. Turner. Everyone rag on him."
Naturally, she was originally going to say Norrington, but after Will laughed at him, it seemed only fair that everyone's favorite (or not favorite) boy-toy got to be nagged.
Jack laughed. "HA! You're the HATED ONE!"
"Why am I the hated one?" Will whined, looking like he was about to cry.
Liam shrugged. "Jack, why don't you go first. What do you hate about Will?"
Jack looked thoughtful. "Well, he is a bit of a wimp. And a pretty-boy. And a stalker. And a simpleton, even though he says he's not. And he has an abnormal fascination with his blacksmithing. And-"
"Hey!" Will interrupted. "That's not fair. Why can't we make fun of Jack for once? Everyone loves him! It's not fair..."
"Huh?" Liam looked up from her almost-covered piece of paper. "Oh. Jack, why don't you tell me why you think that of Will?"
"He's a stalker because he stalked Elizabeth. She obviously loved him and he obviously loved her. Why couldn't they have just banged each other and gotten it over with?" Will blushed at the mention of banging. "He's a wimp because he's a pretty-boy, and he's a pretty-boy because he's a wimp. He's a simpleton because he kept denying that his father was a pirate even though the evidence was RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Shall I continue?"
"Naw, we're good." Norrington grinned at the angry blacksmith-turned-pirate. "What about YOU Norrington. What do you think about Will?"
"Oh no..." moaned Will.
"Well, I agree with Jack's statements. And I would like to add a few of my own." Liam nodded. Will put his head in his hands. Even his ears were red. He made a strangled sound, as if he was about to cry. Poor dear. "I think he is way overrated. I mean, the little wanker spent three hours a day practicing his swordplay. A bit much. And even then, he lost to a pirate. It's so Princess Bride. And also... Actually, that's it."
Liam was writing again. For real. 'Will seems to be extra sensitive to criticism. Perhaps because of a childhood mishap? Or perhaps because of a... childhood mishap?'
"All right." she said finally after a long silence. Actually, it wasn't really silent. Jack was snickering, Norrington was gloating, and Will was about almost sobbing. "Why don't you tell us about why you agree or disagree with those statements?"
"No comment." he said through strangled cries.
"Okay." Liam said happily, turning to a new page. "Now let's go on Jack."
Will suddenly sat up, a malicious grin forming on his face.
"Jack is a complete womanizer, a whore junkie, a possible transvestite/drag queen, a drunk, strangely obsessed with his ship, strangely obsessed with Barbossa, whom he claims to hate, no life whatsoever other than his ship, a whore himself, and a complete idiot." Will took a deep breath before starting again. "And no one ever knows what he is talking about."
Liam glanced at Norrington.
"I have nothing to add. Turner got it all." Will grinned at the commodore.
"And why do you think that, Will?"
"He's a womanizer because all he sees in women is sex," Norrington was looking interestedly at Will by now, whereas Jack was wincing at every word, cowering in his seat. "He's a whore junkie because he's had sex with many a prostitute, he's a possible transvestite because I once caught him wearing a dress and wearing womne's shoes, talking to himself in the mirror. He's a drunk because he drinks, he's always talking to his ship, always talking about Barbossa, sleeps with many women, and never shuts up. And no one ever knows what he's talking about."
"You said that already."
"I know." Jack was now standing up, looking at Will furiously.
"And after all I've done for you..." Will shrugged.
"I have a short attention span."
"Uh huh..." Liam pointed to Norrington. "Now let's all nag Norrington."
"Why does everyone call me Norrington?" wondered Norrington aloud. "I do have a first name you know."
"We know. But Norrington suits you better."
"Ah. Carry on then."
"Norrington's a wimp." Jack said. "And... a wimp."
Will looked confused. "Actually, yeah. That's all we've got on him. Oh yeah, and he wears ugly wigs."
Liam frowned.
"So let me get this straight," she was now pointing her pen savagely at Will. "You both hate him for no reason whatsoever? That's harsh. I should beat you right now. With an ugly stick. Times two!"
"Actually," cut in Norrington. "I'm not even a wimp. I AM part of the Navy you know. And up to about the 1900s the British had the best Navy in the world. And the wig is part of my job."
He pulled his powdered wig off his head, revealing very plain brown hair.
"Aww." whined Will. "He's not even bald. We got nothing on him!"
"Honestly." Liam said crossly. "You are both idiots! I'm chraging you both an extra 50 bucks because of that."
"Do I get a discount?" asked Norrington hopefully.
"No."
"Okay."
"Damn." commented Jack. "That's pretty darn sad. But I still hate him."
"Fair enough."
"All right." said Liam finally. "I've come to the conclusion that Norrington is pretty much sane, other than his odd belief that we're all 'part of a story', and therefore must come back for several sessions. You, Will, will get one personal session, combined with various other joint sessions. And Jack."
"Yes?" said Jack charmingly.
"Go get checked for herpes and the like. You will be expected for another session some other time. Oh yes, and this session has been a complete waste of time. Unless you like Norrington now, Will?" Will shrugged.
"Eh. He's okay. It's a work in progress." Liam nodded.
"Okay. So not a complete waste of time. But close to it."
A/N: I thought that that wasn't all that funny. But maybe you do. And in the future, I'll try and update more often. I promise.