It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Angel didn't know where he was going, at least he had stopped running but he just kept walking. The way Buffy had looked at him had deeply distressed him. For a moment, he had forgotten all the pain and had sunk into her eyes, wishing he could find the peace he needed in them. Before it was too late, before he had completely lost himself into her again, he had done the only thing he was capable of, he had escaped. He had feared he wouldn't be strong enough and showed her his love just by looking at her. She had always been good at reading his emotions. He didn't know what to do about the situation. He was so shattered, only her could do that to him and he hated her for that. He hated her for making him feel that weak but he loved her with all his heart. She was his weakness but also his strength. Why was it always so complicated ?

Without realising it, he had reached the cemetery. There was no danger, it was sunny. He still wasn't used to the sun but his distress had made him forget about that little fact. He sat against a tree where Buffy and him used to sit, they would stay there and hold each other like their life depended on it. They shared so many memories here. He couldn't have thought for a moment that they would end up like that, they were so happy. He brushed that thought aside, it wasn't the time to think about the past, their perfect past. In the present, she hated him and he was trying unsuccessfully to hate her as well or at least to forget her. But, he wasn't so strong, and her new state had changed everything.

She had lost her memory! She didn't remember anything. He couldn't hurt her again like he had done a short while ago. He had felt her confusion and her pain, and it had saddened him more than he thought and especially more than it should have. He would try his best to ignore her but he didn't want to be mean to that Buffy. She looked so innocent, but he couldn't let her in his heart again. But he knew it would be really difficult, they could never be friends. He remembered Spike's words. You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love until it kills you both. And you'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. It would be difficult maybe impossible but he couldn't do anything else. He couldn't feel free to love her.. The words she had said to him three months earlier had still the same effect upon him. He should be able to hate her. He hated to love her.

He couldn't seem to fight those feelings. He felt like his wounds would never heal. He was living but at the same time felt so empty, it was almost like he was dead. His heart was bleeding and he knew this kind of pain would never pass unless he had her back in his life. He could have been happy if only it hadn't happenned. The only person who could heal him had lost her memory and when she would recover it, she won't give a damn about him.

Flashback - Three months earlier

Los Angeles

Cordelia was drinking coffee when she fell to the floor and started to scream, she was having a vision. Angel ran as fast as he could to get her.

"Are you all right ?" he asked concerned, she nodded massaging her head and taking the aspirin he was offering "What did you see ?" he asked anxious, they were so many people who needed help.

She didn't want to tell him because she knew it woul only get him hurt but it was her job and she had to do it "I saw Buffy...she was being attacked by a man or a vampire but it wasn't a demon, she looked quite injured"

"All right, I have to go there. I'll leave as soon as the sun set, it'll be in about an hour" he said, badly hiding his worry, he would arrive late at night when she usually patroled, he hoped she hadn't changed her habits.

"There is no way I'm letting you go there alone, I am coming with you. No need to argue, you are not going anywhere without me, mister" Cordelia declared. They had tried to join Buffy on the phone but couldn't reach her, they really had to go there fast.

Seeing the resolution on her face, he knew he couldn't argue. She was surprised he didn't try to dissuade her, but was also grateful because sometimes, he could be so stubborn. They waited for the sun to set and walked to his car.

Sunnydale

Buffy and the others had difficulty fighting Ramon, a demon with a human body. He fooled them at the begginning, by pretending he was nice and fighting on their side but he only wanted to learn their weaknesses. Buffy, Riley and Spike were going to track him down tonight. They still didn't trust Spike but with his chip, he didn't have anything better to do.

"I think it's time we split so we'll have more chances to find him. If anyone finds him, he screams to warn the others, ok?" the two men nodded, Buffy didn't want them to play hero and get killed. She still wasn't sure why she cared about Spike being killed though "We'll meet here in thirty minutes if we don't find anything"

They went in different directions and started to look for Ramon.

In the car

"Angel, slow down, we are going to get killed and it won't help Buffy !" Cordelia shouted, he was driving so fast.

He didn't even reply but as soon as she uttered Buffy's name, he increased the speed. He didn't want to arrive too late, if she was already dead, he would never forgive himself. Cordelia had her eyes shut during the route. When the car suddenly stopped, she opened them. They were in front of the cemetery she saw in her vision. They walked through the graveyard without speaking, but it wasn't an awkward silence.

Cordelia could feel the tension and anxiety coming from Angel. She knew that his love for Buffy was strong and she wished he didn't end up getting hurt, because she would be the one trying to put the pieces together. Every time he saw the slayer, he was on "full brood mode" as she called it. Love was supposed to bring peace and happinness but in their case it only brought more pain, confusion and loneliness...She didn't understand why life was so difficult on them. Even blind people could feel their love for each other but still Fate seemed to have other plans.

"Damn! Peaches and Miss Superficial, if I thought I would see you two together... What brings you to old Sunnydale? Life in the big city isn't exciting any more?" asked Spike surprising Cordelia and cutting her from her thoughts.

Angel only glared at him. He hadn't forgotten the time Spike had tortured him, he was seeking for revenge but unfortunately, now was far from being the best time.

"Where is Buffy?" He asked impatiently

"Only in town for two minutes and already asking for blondie" Spike replied mockingly

Angel didn't think twice and grabbed him by the collar with an unexpected strength, Spike was astonished but didn't let it show. Cordelia was enjoying the show.

"Listen to me, William, I don't have time for this shit so you had better tell me where she is" he growled

"Did you just calll me William ? Did you just swear ? Are you sure you are Angel ?" Spike replied mockingly again but the punch he received challenged him to joke again "She is somewhere there in the cemetery, she is looking for a demon named Ramon. Look, how lucky we are, he honoured us with his presence" he pointed a man who was approaching them.

Spike didn't have time to blink that Angel was already on the man beating him up like a madman or a mad vampire in this case. He had beaten him up until he was unconscious, lying under his weight. He was going to give him another punch, when a menacing and angry feminine voice was heard.

"What the hell do you think you are doing ?"

He didn't need to turn around, he knew exactly who this voice belonged to. He didn't even react when the owner of this familiar voice grabbed him and sent him flying, crashing against a tree. He tried to understand her reaction. What did he do wrong ? He knew she didn't want him here but that wasn't a reason to be so angry.

"Buffy" was all he could managed to say

She didn't bother to look at him, she went to the man on the grass, who was bleeding profusely. Angel had done a pretty good job on him.

"Oh my God, are you insane ? Stupid question, you must be. Why did you do that ? You think you can come back and kill my boyfriend ? Who the hell do you think you are ? What are you doing here any way ? Weren't you suppose to leave and never come back ?"

She stopped speaking and went back to Riley who was still unconscious but at least, he was breathing. Angel stayed still. He thought she was going out with Ramon but that was impossible. He understood Spike had fooled him, when he heard her call the man he had barely killed, Riley. He felt so stupid for trusting Spike lately and promised himself he would make him pay. He wanted to apologize and explained his behavior but he didn't find the right words and she wasn't ready to hear his apologize.

"Buffy, I'm..."

"You are what ? You are sorry ? I'm sick of hearing your apologies" she interrupted him then she approached him so their face were inches away "You are not welcome here any more. Get your ass out of MY town and never come back again, I don't need you and I never really needed you at all" she didn't know why, but she wanted to hurt him badly, just like he had done when he had left her "I love the man you nearly killed. You are the worst mistake I have ever made. How could I have been so stupid and loved a demon like you ?"

Angel just stared at her, putting his best unreadable mask. Her words had deeply hurt him but that was what she wanted and he wouldn't let her know she had succeeded. The pain he was feeling was worst than anything he had felt before. He knew he wouldn't be able to heal from this, she was everything to him and now she hated him only because of a misunderstanding. Why was life so complicated for him? He had never asked for all those things, he had never wanted to become a vampire, to have a soul, to fall in love with the slayer, to have the same woman let him feel love and then pure hatred...

Cordelia wanted to say something, to defend Angel, but didn't find the words. She stayed their speechless, silently cursing Spike and Buffy. She knew he would be like a wreck when they would returned to Los Angeles. She would do everything to help him feel better after all she was his best friend, he was like a brother to her, she hated seeing him like that.

"I'm honoured, one slayer, two vampires and two insignificant creatures" exclaimed Ramon approaching them "I see that someone already took care of that one" he added mockingly, pointing Riley

When he finished, he threw his sword in direction of the slayer who was in front of Angel.The latte rpushed her aside, she fell down and he received the sword two inches away from his heart. Buffy thought his heart was touched and couldn't describe the despair she felt but when she saw him running, she relaxed a little bit. In spite of the pain, he rushed to Ramon and punched him over and over again, without letting him the chance to reply. He was like trying to release his own pain by giving it to Ramon. Ramon took his demonic form but it didn't help him. After an important series of punches, Angel broke his neck in Angelus' way which was scaring. He took the sword from his chest and beheaded Ramon who exploded.

Without looking at anyone, he made his way to his car and took the driver seat. They all looked in his direction without moving.

Buffy couldn't help to notice, he had nearly been dust to save her even after all the horrible things she had just said to him. But, the anger she felt and also the pain were stronger.

"Well done, Angel, this thing called me insignificant, I can't believe..." started Cordelia

"I'm going home, Cordy. Get in the car, please" he nearly begged her, speaking very slowly with a strained touch of pain in his voice. He didn't want to break in front of them, especially not in front of Buffy, it would be like a reward to her.

Cordelia glared at Buffy murmuring bitch before getting in the car.

Buffy stood in place, she was so angry. She couldn't believe that he had come to her town and tried to kill her boyfriend.

"Look slayer, actually Angel didn't do it on purpose, I kind of told him that Soldier Boy here was Ramon" confessed Spike knowing he was risking his unlife

But instead of what he thought she would do, she only broke down and started crying hard. She couldn't believe that she had said those horrible things to him when she hadn't meant a word. But even if he had tried to hide it, she had felt his pain and couldn't feel the strength to confront him and to apologize. His eyes were so sad. He would only pushed her away, he hated her now and she had deserved it.

"Oh my God, what have I done ?" she sobbed

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." started Spike awkwardly

"Please, Spike, go away, let me alone, I don't want to see you again" she cried

He understood what she meant and he did as he was told, he left town.

End of Flashback

Remembering those things were so hard, he coudn't stop the tears from coming down. He felt so frustrated, he wanted to kill something. But, vampires or demons were never there when you needed them. He sat down and let the tears drop. He had fought so long to keep them. He still couldn't believe what was happening. She was there, innocent and he could start something new with her. And maybe when she would recover her memory, she would forget the deep hatred she had for him. He shook his head and wiped off his tears. He was surprised by his own stupidity. How could he think she would give him another chance ?

He had made his decision. He couldn't abandon her like that, she was helpless and technically hadn't done anything to him. He wouldn't be too close to her so she wouldn't be able to hurt him. He would help her and then go back to Los Angeles.

He walked back to Giles' apartment, trying to regain his cool.

TBC Please Review : It helps me write faster

Thanks to : ms.sarJe, urangel, Jaysgrl, crystalix, MaliciousAngelus, SpellMasters, savannah, wackycavegirl, Blondiegrl, buff, mickeyblueeyes