Long time, no updates, shame on me but you are stillreading and you still review, thank you very much… I'm really sorry but I had to pass three exams so I had to study. But now I'm on holidays so I'll try to update more often. Now enough with my life….
Can u help me?
Tell me what you want from me
Can u help me?
Tell me why you want to leave
Baby help me
Without you my whole world is falling apart
And I'm going crazy! Life's a prison when your in love alone
Buffy had been sitting on the couch for nearly one hour. She didn't feel like going to bed before seeing Angel another time to understand his behaviour. They had kissed; she thought they would have been closer but instead he couldn't get rid of her faster. Riley had been gentle and she decided she liked him but not as a boyfriend, she could only imagine Angel in that role. She was getting tired but she wouldn't sleep until he got back.
She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear when Angel entered the house. It was unusual that at this time, the living room was still lit. He walked carefully without making a sound. He found Buffy sat on the couch, staring into space. Why was she still there? Was she waiting for him? But he didn't have the guts to ask. He just leant on the frame and stared at her. He started to feel guilty, he was observing her without her knowing so he announced his presence by coughing. The sound made her jump, she turned her eyes towards him. The two of them seemed really tired.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you" Angel looked down, no longer able to look into her beautiful green eyes which evoked too many souvenirs for him.
"It's my fault, I wasn't paying attention" she replied.
Then there was an awkward silence. They didn't seem to be able to look at each other. Buffy decided to break that silence. She needed answers and that wasn't the way she was going to have them. She looked at him expectantly, wishing he would do the same but he kept his eyes on the other side of the room. She sighed and he finally turned his eyes to meet hers.
"Where were you?" she asked, prepared for an answer like it's not your businness.
"I just went for a walk. I'm sorry if you were worried"
"Angel, we need to talk" she began more confident
"I know"
"Why did you do that?" She knew he would understand what she was referring to. No one had missed the way he had wanted to get rid of her.
"Do what?" But he had decided to play dumb
"Stop playing with me, Angel. I'm not a child any more"
"Don't I know it?"
"Look, we are not going anywhere, I want answers and the truth please" He didn't reply so she added "I thought our kiss meant something, I was wrong but at least for me it did mean something"
"I never said... It meant something for me too but I already told you, we can't be together"
"Why?"
"Because you hate me"
"Are you crazy? I will never hate you" Her comment made him laugh "What's so funny?"
"You don't understand but it's not your fault, you will soon"
"I don't want to wait, I want the truth and now"
"There's no need, when you will recover your memory, you'll know"
"Do you love me?" She asked bluntly
He looked down, he couldn't bear her pure eyes asking him the question that had been haunting him for the last three months. When he was alone, it was easy to believe that he hated her as much as she did but in front of her he couldn't. He was feeling so weak and knew his love was shining in his eyes. For sure, he loved the woman in front of him but he would rather die that to admit it to her so when she would recover her memory she would make fun of him. Could he think she was so cruel? After all she had been because he had tried to kill her boyfriend. His inner battle wouldn't let him.
Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go
"Do you love Riley?" Instead of answering her question, his jealousy came back. Maybe he shouldn't have brought this subject back but he couldn't remove the image of the two of them hugging from his mind. He kept thinking of them.
"What do you talk about him? I'm talking about us" Buffy was starting to wonder if he was really stupid. How could he think that she love Riley?
"Nevermind" he replied sharply
"Are you jealous?" She couldn't help smiling
"No, why would I be jealous of a boy like him?" Buffy knew he was right, he had everything Riley had and much more
"Then why did you ask me that ?"
"Because I saw you together. I wanted to apologize for being so rude but I saw you were busy and I didn't want to disturb you"
"So, are you jealous?" She was starting to like this conversation. She knew what he was referring to: when Riley and her were hugging but it didn't mean anything. But Angel didn't seem to know it.
"Yes, are you happy?" He finally said
"Yes, very"
She noticed that she wouldn't get anything else but knowing that he was jealous of someone like Riley gave her some hope. Then she remembered that she stillhadn't told him about what happened when he was captured.
"Can you come with me? I want to show you something"
She walked towards him and took his hand without realising it. They reached her bedroom but Angel seemed reticent to enter.
"Oh, come on. I'll behave, I promise to keep my hands for me" She blushed at her comment but his smile reassured her.
She took a box and opened it. It was the box that had helped her to remember some details about Angel. She started by showing him the cross she had around her neck.
"I remember when you gave me this!" she exclaimed proud of herself, then she showed him the jacket that she hold tight.
Angel looked at her with disbelief. She seemed so attached to these objects. As if she was reading in his thoughts she responded "You know, I like those things because when I saw them, it felt like they were important to me and I know why. Because you are the one who gave it to me" she said without shame, she was in a way admitting her love for him. But she couldn't tell him because he could act strange and could fear her growing love for him.
"Thank you, Buffy" She looked at him sceptically "For keeping all those things and they still mean something for you" Seeing all those objects brought back many souvenirs"Now you must be tired, why don't you sleep?"
"Stay with me?" She didn't know where it came from but it seemed just right. Angel was tired of fighting so he said the only thing that came to his mind at this moment "Always"
They were too tired to change. They took off their shoes and toes, and Angel took off his shirt for Buffy's happiness but she tried to not stare too hard. They went to bed and held each other close.
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
"AHHHHHH" Buffy woke up in the morning, screaming and crying.
"What happened ? Did you have a nightmare?"
"Angel? Is it really you? You are alive! I was so afraid, it seemed so real" she asked confused
Angel thought she had recovered her memory because before Buffy didn't know he was alive, human. "Look, I can explain, we didn't sleep together" He went out of the bed and took his shirt which was resting on the chair to wear it.
Buffy was more and more confused. Why did he tell her that they didn't sleep together when she just dream about it? Could it have been reality? NO! It couldn't, she was so desperate. The last thing she remembered was so horrible that she had woken up. It couldn't be real, she couldn't have done that. But she dreamed of her younger, it was so confusing. She had also dream of her friends. She couldn't have created all those souvenirs… But it was so hard to think that it happened.
"I killed you" she sobbed "I killed you, I killed you. Oh my God, I killed you, I sent you to Hell" she cried harder.
Angel looked confused so she hadn't remembered everything but... She only remembered when she killed him. He tried to reassure her "I'm ok, Buffy look, I'm even alive, no more a vampire" Saying that, he took her hand and put it on his heart.
"That's why you hate me. I'm sorry, you were right now I understand. I killed you, how can you look at me?"
"No, no... I never hated you for that. On the opposite I loved you more because of that"
"What? "
"You had the courage to kill me, I don't know if I could have killed you even for the sake of the world. I admire you Buffy" She hugged him and silently cried in his arms.
"I'm sorry, I got you all wet"
"I don't mind. Can you tell me what you remember?"
It was hard for her but she told him everything, when she was young, how school was. She talked to him about Los Angeles, her mother then about Willow, Xander, Giles and of course him...
"It's strange I still remember my mom as if she was alive and I don't remember Riley at all"
"Buffy, those souvenirs were five years ago" he declared
"What?" This wasn't her concern now "How can you forgive me for killing you?"
"Stop worrying about that, I already told you, I never hated you for that" He kissed her on the cheek "I have to phone Giles and the others. You'll maybe remember everything soon"
Buffy wanted to tell him that she didn't want to remember anything else. She liked the way they were, she was trying to get closer to him. But he seemed to not like the Buffy she was before she lost her memory. Then she remembered when she killed him, she couldn't stop the tears. How had she react to that? It was easier now because he was still there but before when he was in Hell, she couldn't have been able to support it, especially after remembering all the good times they had together.
Angel came back to find her in tears, she was crying hard and couldn't stop. He didn't know what to do. He took her in his arms and talked calmly "Giles is going to call the others, we have to go there in one hour. I'll let you take your shower and don't worry about Hell, it wasn't that bad" he tried to calm her but didn't really succeed.
"Please, stop crying. I don't like seeing you like that and it wasn't your fault. You know what I like about you? That power you have in you to lighten up everything. Without you, I wouldn't be there and certainly not human. You changed my life more that you can imagine, you gave me the envy of living" He gently brushed her tears with his thumb. She looked at him. She didn't know what to say but she didn't want to waste this moment. "You don't have to say anything, I'll be waiting for you, go and take your shower"
She did as she was told and went into the bathroom. Angel didn't know why he had opened up to her like that but it seemed that she needed it. His love for her was far from disappearing, he knew it now better that ever. He could never stop loving her. How was she going to react when she will recover her memory?
Twenty minutes later, she came out of the bathroom, she still had red eyes from crying but she was beautiful. She looked at him and smiled timidly.
"You are beautiful" He got up, went out of her bedroom to take clothes and went into the bathroom.
Taking advantage of the fact that he was in the bathroom, she made breakfast for the two of them. Remembering the first time she had done that, when Angel hadn't come out because he had been captured made her shivered but she quickly brushed that thought from her mind. She was hearing the water and was imagining how he looked like nude. She shook her head. How could she think of him like that when she had killed him? Angel had told her that she shouldn't feel guilty but even for the world she shouldn't have sacrificed him. Would she be able to do it again? Absolutely not.
When she finished preparing the breakfast, Angel made his way towards the kitchen.
"It smells good, thank you" he said trying to enlighten her mood
They ate in silence before heading to Giles's apartment. Everyone was already there, waiting for them. They entered and found it strangely calm. Everyone just looked at them. They all noticed Buffy's puffy eyes and the way she was wrapping her hands around Angel's arm as if she was afraid he would disappear. Angel hadn't really been clear when he had phoned Giles, he only told her that she remembered her life until she was seventeen.
Ignoring all their glances, they sat on the sofa. Angel prepared himself to tell her what she remembered.
TBC PLEASE REVIEW
Lyrics by Usher- Can you help me
Usher - Separated
Linkin Park - Easier To Run
dalmatiangrl2 : I don't exactly know who this blonde is lol, it was just like that...I don't know what came into my mind when I wrote that...thanks for the review
crystalix : thank you, I hope you liked that one too
lessthanangelic1 : It wasn't my intention at all to make you hate him lol, sorry but I didn't really understand your review, if you thought Buffy and Riley got back together...NO...NO..NO WAY lol, you don't have to worry about that, it will NEVER happen. Thank you for the review.
urangel : Angel kissing that bimbo was strange yeah but that'swhat I imagined him doing if he was human and Buffy wouldn't see him again. I don't see him falling in love again so just one-night stands but that's my opinion... thank you for your review
Jess : It seems like that kiss confused a lot of people lol, I actually don't know why there was this kiss but it happened... thank you for reviewing
buff : thank you, I hope you like that chapter too
kill bill rocks : Riley is kind of nice in this fic but things can change I don't know yet, I got no idea where this story id going... She remebered ANgelus in this chapter but she doesn't talk about it yet, she is more confused because she killed Angel but later... thanks for the review
Sarah : thank you for the review, I don't imagine Angel reacting too much because he is still trying to hide his feelings but it gets harder and harder
nonsdad05 : thank you, I 'm sorry for not updating sooner
faith : thanks for the review
never look back : Thanks, that's why I wanted Riley is not that bad
Buffy4592 : thanks for the review, Cordy and Angel no way, only like brother and sister
LPGurl14 : I'm a big fan of Linkin Park, every fan is my friend lol. The song they were dancing to is Zelmani Sophie - I'll Remember You
bella : thanks for the review, I hope you liked that chapter
Buffy9-27 : Thank you
yummyOoO : thank you very much
BloodThirstyGoddess : You read it two times..that's really nice thank you very much