Mal had been avoiding her the last few days, she'd been told by Kaylee that he'd sat with her while she slept a few nights but he'd never let her know he was there. It bothered her. Jo shook her head and headed for the bridge. River said that he'd taken yet another nights' turn at the pilot's station as she'd been headed to play a game of jacks with Kaylee after dinner. Zoe had been bringing Mal his meals and the crew was very quiet whenever Jo was around. It ate at her, feeling like she was now an outsider and Mal had been the one to put her there. She sucked in a breath and stepped through the door onto the bridge. He was tilted back in the pilots chair his eyes looking outward into the black. She cleared her throat and he turned, "Hello…" She said with a smile.

"Hi…everything alright?" He asked her.

"No…but I plan on trying fixing it." She said handing him the mug she'd brought with her from the kitchen. "Here, I figured you might need this."

"Thanks, much appreciated. So…what's wrong?" He said taking his first sip. She heard him sigh as the warmth from the coffee seeped in.

She paused and gave a tired sigh, "God, this is harder then I'd thought it would be, do me a favor and listen to me and don't talk until I'm done…dong ma?"

He was watching her now with a wary look in his eyes but he nodded, "Fine."

"Nine years ago, I lost…everything, and I know you feel the same. I'm not just talking about us Mal, I'm talking about a piece of your soul. You lost it in that damn war; and me…I lost mine when I got your letter, and this." She said un-tucking a gold cross from her white knit shirt. She saw him go still in his seat, his eyes riveted to the cross in her hand. It glinted softly in the lights as she stroked her fingers over it. It had grown smooth from wear "You know, Zoe saw this one of the first nights I was onboard Serenity and she asked me where I'd gotten it from. I told her about your letter and about how I gave this to you before you left me. She told me…" She had to stop to take in a breath and fight her tears, when she spoke again her voice was much softer; "She told me that you wore this in Serenity Valley that day. She said she saw you kiss it just before you took down one of the Alliance ships. Is she right?"

She saw him nod; his eyes hadn't left the cross since she'd shown it to him. She tucked it away again with a quiet nod and watched as his eyes moved to lock with hers. She swallowed at the raw pain she saw there. "I loved you so much, I still do Mal…but when you didn't come back, I left home and I've been moving ever since. Nine years ago, you gave up any right you have to make choices for me. Don't lock me out of whatever you have planned for Badger…this is as much my fight as it is yours." She stopped then because she'd seen the wall go up at her mention of Badger and she shook her head. She couldn't stop her tears as they fell. She looked away from him and out into the darkness beyond the ship. "You've at least been able to rebuild some part of your life; there must have been moments in these past nine years that you've found yourself content if not happy. Am I right?" She said looking back at him. She had to look up because as she'd been talking he'd moved to stand beside her. He was looking down at her now and she felt all the breath leave her body in a rush. He put out his hand waiting for her to put hers into it. She swallowed hard and looked from the hand to his face.

"I'm not going to hurt you…" He said, his voice rough.

She felt a small tremor race through her body, and a small amount of guilt heat her face. She looked back at his waiting hand and gave him her free one as her wounded arm was still bound. He closed his fingers over hers and pulled her up, out of the chair, and toward him. They stood now with only a fraction of an inch separating their bodies. He used the pad of his thumb to wipe away her tears. She couldn't look away from him and she swallowed hard as his hand moved down, his fingers grazing her chest as he slipped the cross out of it's hiding place and ran his fingers over it. "It's amazing that something so small can mean so much isn't it?" She nodded mutely. He tucked it back under her shirt and sighed stepping away from her he took his seat again. She had to sit as well, her knees felt so weak. She didn't say anything as he contemplated the cold darkness outside the windows. "When that day was over…do you now how many men I had left? Out of two thousand?"

She nodded, "Zoe said close to only a third survived."

"Maybe less." He answered with a nod. His eyes seemed to be seeing the past as he spoke to her. "When I walked away from that battle, I knew I couldn't go back to you. I would have made you miserable…"

"You don't know that…" She started to interrupt.

"You had your say, now can I have mine?" He asked.

She swallowed her words and nodded, "I'm sorry, I'm listening." She said.

"I wasn't whole, I don't think I am yet and I'm not certain that I ever will be. I needed to keep moving, it was like all the air had been sucked out and all that was left was a black hole. I couldn't put you through that, I'm not the same man you fell in love with Jo…he died that day in Serenity Valley. What's left is what I am now, and your right…there have been some days I feel more like some piece of my old self, but that ain't ever comin' back completely." He looked at her and at the cross as it lay against her skin, "I lost more then my soul that day, I lost my faith too. The faith that says things will be ok, that they'll work out for the best. That's not always true Jo…there's no one controlling our fate but us. I won't ever regain that feeling…and I knew I'd kill you slowly by going back." He ran a hand through his hair then, "I wanted you to have a chance…"

He was watching her, and he felt his heart break again as he watched her cry. "I'm sorry, that's all I can say."

She got up then and moved for the door, but before going through she turned back, "You're right, the Mal Reynolds I knew is dead because the coward I see here, that's not him."

He watched her go, her words a hard slap in the face. He found he couldn't breathe for a few seconds as he tried to regain his footing and try to figure out what had just happened. He hit the comm with a slap of his hand, "Zoe, bridge!" A few minutes passed before Zoe stepped through the door, she didn't even get to speak before he snapped, "Take over…did you see Jo or where she went when she left here?"

"No Sir, I didn't"

He nodded and disappeared.

He searched for a good half hour before finding her sitting quietly in the common room. He had searched there before, so he knew she must have been evading him some how. He sat down across from her, he wanted so badly to blame her for what he was feeling but he knew he couldn't put all of it on her shoulders, he'd heaped it on himself as well. "I'm not a coward." He said angrily. He heard her give a half laugh, half sob and gritted his teeth. "You have no idea what I've been through since the war ended…none whatsoever."

"No, I don't…just as you have no idea what I've suffered through."

He nodded, "That's fair to say…but I didn't just sit up in that cockpit and judge you, now did I? But you seem to feel it's your right to be my judge, jury and executioner. Tell me how that's right?"

She shook her head, "I didn't judge you Mal, I just told you the truth and it hurts…doesn't it?" She said on a sob. He watched her wipe her tears away angrily as she started to get up and walk away he'd had enough, he grabbed her uninjured arm and pulled her toward him placing his other hand on her waist, "You don't just get to walk away from me!" He snapped.

"Why? You did!"

He stopped then and looked down at her. She was sobbing as she looked at him, "You just walked away Mal…you didn't even try!" She was crying hard now and couldn't seem to hold it back anymore. "You left me first to fight, and I thought you weren't coming back…but then you where alive and I had a letter, a letter!" She shrieked, "You couldn't even tell me to my face! And you say you're not a coward? Where you afraid of me? Is that it? Was I such a cross to bear? I would have gone with you! Don't you understand, I loved you so much I would have done anything! AND…YOU…JUST… WALKED…AWAY!" She screamed yanking her hand out of his grasp. He watched her run and he looked down at his hands and realized he was shaking. He took a step backward and sat down hard on the nearest chair. "Wuh de tyen, ah? " He swallowed then and looked up at where she'd been standing, he rose and ran after her wanting very much to fix what he'd done.

He didn't have to go far, he found her crumpled along the top tier of the catwalks above the cargo hold. He moved slowly to where she sat and stood beside her. She was still crying but the sobs had subsided. He leaned down and putting his hand under her arm eased her up. She tried to turn but he moved quickly and wrapped both arms around her. She tried pulling away but he tightened his hold until she was leaning into him. He wasn't certain how long they stood like that. He was aware that a few of the crew moved below them quietly but he just stood, head bent rocking her gently whispering, "I'm sorry, so sorry." When he finally felt her relax he bent and put one hand under her legs and scooped her up and carried her back to the corridor where the crew bunks where located. He put her down and forced her chin up with one hand. "I'm going to go down first…you'll have to use one hand on the ladder, but I'll be at the bottom helping you down, kay'? And Jo…don't run this time, I don't much feel like chasin' you through this ship all night. Dong ma?"

He saw her nod so he started down. He saw her take a hold of the ladder and helped her down. He shut the door after she was standing beside him. She was looking around and when she finally looked back at him she asked, "Why am I here?"

He smiled and stepped up to her, wrapping an arm around her waist he drew her in slowly, "Because no matter how many times I say it I can't tell you how sorry I am, so I want to try showing you another way." The kiss was slow and deliberate and everything he's wanted from the first time he'd seen her in Badgers tent almost two weeks past. She didn't fight it but went willingly where he led her. He wasn't sure how either of them would feel in the morning but he wasn't going to worry about that until the time came.