Random Stormtrooper Story

Chapter 3: Ten-Thousand ways to Kill a Rebel

(On the jungle-ish planet Yavin, Commander Kaiser shows the stormers a neat trick to kill a Rebel silently but with a blaster)

Kaiser: I found it on a slug-thrower on some unmarked planet in another galaxy.

KK-111: you went out of the galaxy? That's suicidal!

Kaiser: I know, but I didn't care, and still don't. Anyways, the natives called it a "silencer", so I stuck it on my blaster and tried it out. It was so fun, I got more. Here you go! (He hands silencers to the stormers)

RJ-181: w00t! Now, let's kill some rebs!

(The group finds a bunch of rebels and shoots at them with the silencers)

Rebel 1: who the? I saw the blaster but where's the sound? I'm confused.

Rebel 2: Let's ponder this quandary. (Ponders)

R1: yeah. (Ponders)

(All rebels start to ponder)

RJ-181: (He nearly bursts out laughing) c'mon, guys, let's shoot 'em while they're stupid.

(The Stormers and Kaiser shoot the pondering rebels.)

Kaiser: that was fun! Hey, lower ranking buddies; let me show you another cool trick we can do. (He takes out a tiny droid)

KK-111: what's that?

Kaiser: this, my gay-ish friend, is a sentry droid. Look at it go! (He sets it off towards the Arena, where a bunch of rebels are having a meeting)

(At the meeting, the sentry droid stops right in the middle of the meeting. The Rebels look at it, not sure what to do.)

Rebel 3: um… what should we do?

Mon Calamari Rebel: -Ummm… I dunno. Shall we ponder this quandary?-

Rebel 3: let's not, that jokes already old.

(The sentry droid starts beeping)

MCR: -What's that noise?-

(An air strike destroys the entire Arena and a few surrounding building ruins, killing every rebel in the area.)

PG-13: that was better than seeing the Twi-Leck Twins naked.

Kaiser: Boy, what I will show you over the years will be better than seeing a thousand versions of those sluts you jerk off to naked.

PG-13: cool.

KK-111: um, sir, do you have anything g else to show us today?

Kaiser: of course, I know something that can take out that temple full-'o-rebs a few miles away.

RJ-181: (in awe at the last rebel-killing session) … yay…

(The Stormers head off to the temple. When they get there, Kaiser calls for an unintelligible package to be safely dropped near their position.)

KK-111: what's that?

Kaiser: you like asking that, don't you? Well, this thing also came from the off-galaxy planet, and it's called an "Atomic Bomb". Cover me while I sneak it into the temple.

(The Stormers help Kaiser sneak the bomb into the Temple and Kaiser sets the time to enough so that they can run to a safe distance, which is exactly what they do after the timer is set.)

RJ-181: (eagerly anticipating whatever will happen next) what's gonna happen?

Kaiser: Watch and see.

(They all watch. Suddenly, a bright flash flares up, followed by a loud KA-BOOM! When the flash clears and the stormers could see, they see a big mushroom cloud. A rebel arm lands in front of KK-111, who faints at the sight. Soon, more rebel bits and pieces rain down from the sky.)

PG and RJ: (unanimously) … AWESOME!

Kaiser: I knew you would love that. (Looks at KK's unconscious body.) Wasn't so sure about this boy here. Well, I'm done for the day. Let's all eat something. I'm hungry.

(PG and RJ pick up KK's body and everyone goes back to The Executor for food. Too bad it was corn and ketchup day in the mess hall. They had to wait until they got back to Coruscant before they got good food.)