AN: Just a short note, there's a lot that could be said, but I'm only one author since I'm the one who uploads the story; I won't wax on and on about our feelings...the story will remain as we planned, and progress as it leads us. For a while, the story will remain preslash. This will be the development between the two characters. It won't be an overnight development, and it definitely won't be easy for them. When it does, there'll still be issues. How far the fic goes with their relationship I'd love to be able to say, but the fact is, I don't know, and Shelly doesn't know. We're letting this story tell itself, and allowing it to take its own direction. The one thing I can assure you is that when it does go into the relationship and crosses solidly into slash, it won't be about sex. That's not what this is about. This is a character driven, plot driven, intense angst and relationship driven fic. If you can't bring yourself to read it, knowing that McKay and Sheppard will hopefully find the relationship with each other before the end, then I'm sad to see you go. For those of you willing to give it a try, I firmly believe you won't regret it a bit. Kodiak

ABOUT A BABY...part 2

John spent the next two days sleeping. He vaguely remembered various faces hovering over him. Various voices echoing in his head, but John purposely kept himself detached from them. He wasn't ready to come back to the world yet. He wanted a little more time in oblivion. But, eventually, he had to come back to the land of the living. He had to make his way back to Lily. And it was her soft cry that woke him.

Blinking hard, John peeled his eyes open and managed to focus on the figure pacing next to his bed. It was Alicia. She was the nurse who had been with him since he'd become bonded with Dreya. And didn't thinking about Dreya hurt? John felt himself flinching. But he pushed away the pain to focus on the bundle in Alicia's arms. Lily. "C-Can I..." John broke off, coughing. His throat was dry sore.

"Have a sip of water." Alicia was by his side in an instant, expertly balancing Lily in one arm as she offered John a glass of water with the other. "Just a sip," she cautioned.

John knew the drill. He wrapped one shaky hand around Alicia's to pull it closer, then he took a long pull on the straw. The water was cool, not cold, and it felt like heaven sliding down his throat. He let Alicia pull it away and set it back on the bed stand. "Can I hold my daughter?" His voice was still hoarse, but doable and a moment later John was holding Lily cradled to his chest. It bothered him how weak he felt. His entire body was trembling. But Lily stopped fussing the moment he took her, looking up at him with her beautiful eyes before letting them slide closed. John felt a burn in his own eyes and he blinked hard before bending his head to kiss her cheek. "Hey, sweetheart," he whispered. "Daddy's back and I'm not going anywhere."

Alicia touched his arm and offered a warm smile. "She'll be glad of that. She really missed you."

"Did she eat and sleep okay?" John asked, parental concerns kicking in.

"It was a struggle at times," Alicia allowed. "But I managed. It was just a matter of being patient with her."

John smiled at that. "And with me," he stated, because he knew how trying he could be. But Alicia had been a trooper through it all. Never laughing at him, and always managing to find a way to make the most embarrassing aspects of sharing the pregnancy bond less...humiliating...than they could have been. John realized he had never really thanked her properly for everything she had done for him and Lily. "I owe you a lot," he said softly. "Thank you, Alicia. For everything. I really can't thank you enough for all you've done for me and for Lily."

Alicia flushed a bit then shrugged. "Just doing my job," she drawled, in a lousy John Wayne - pseudo cowboy - imitation.

But John laughed anyway, then reached for her hand. He squeezed it lightly, wanting to say more but feeling overwhelmed all of the sudden. He was too emotional and far too fragile in everyway and, apparently, Alicia sensed that because she just squeezed his hand back then she moved in and hugged him. Gathering him and Lily in her slender arms and John was content to stay there for the moment, relishing the contact.

He didn't see Rodney standing in the doorway, watching them. Eyes wide before his expression fell and he turned and walked away.

"I should go get Dr. Beckett," Alicia said softly, easing out of the hug and looking a bit self-conscious. "He'll want to check you over."

"Fine." John was agreeable to pretty much anything at the moment. So long as he could keep Lily in his arms.

It wasn't but a moment before Carson showed up, smiling but looking a bit grim. He examined John, working around a sleeping Lily, and tut-tutting a bit along the way.

John smiled at him, bemusedly. "So how am I doing, Doc?" he asked, his focus still on Lily.

"Better," Carson allowed. "But you need to take it easy and you will be my guest for a few more days."

"Can I keep Lily here?" John asked, lifting his head to look at Beckett. "I want to be close to her. If he could do that he would behave himself.

Carson studied John for a moment, then nodded. "Might not be a bad idea. Keep you both in one place and maybe the both of you will start eating and sleeping better."

John felt his stomach twist into knots. "Is Lily okay? She hasn't been eating? Why didn't you tell me?"

"She's okay," Carson said, reaching out to pat John reassuringly on the arm. "But she's been very restless without you. Alicia has been getting her to eat and between her and Teyla they've been singing her to sleep. She's fine. She missed you though."

"I missed her too." John pressed another kiss to Lily's soft cheek. He felt bone tired and wanted to go back to sleep, but at the same time he didn't want to lose any more time with his daughter. John could feel his connection with Lily, the bond they had forged upon her birth, growing stronger and more resilient. He had felt her restlessness, a reflection of his own.

Carson moved to fiddle with John's IV. "Rest a bit. I'll send for some soup and I want you to eat. You've dropped more weight, Colonel. Weight you can't afford to lose. And you're going to be weak and worn out for quite some time so the more you eat the more you build up your strength."

John understood what Beckett was saying. "I'll eat," he promised. He wanted to be strong for Lily. So when Alicia brought him the soup, he handed Lily over and ate. Then he fed his daughter and snuggled him to her as they both drifted off to sleep. He never saw Rodney sneak in and take Lily from him to put her in the crib that Ronon had fetched from the nursery. He didn't feel Rodney fuss with his blankets. He didn't know Rodney kept vigil over them until dawn.

The only thing John knew was darkness and the shadowy ghosts that haunted his dreams.

OoO

Beckett had been right about John being weak and worn out for a time. He had been released from the infirmary after two days, but he found himself stuck in his quarters, napping in between caring for Lily. He felt physically and emotionally drained, and frustrated by his own weakness. Frustrated to the point where he started snapping at people and doing a lot of apologizing. When he tired of that he started focusing on keeping his mouth shut. Just plastering a smile on his face until it felt frozen, then saying whatever words would get people to leave him alone, then John pretty much hid out with Lily. He grew to love his daughter more and more each day.

Lily became pretty much, literally, attached to John. She would spend time with Rodney and Teyla and Alicia, but she was happiest when she was with John. He was happiest then too. When he was rocking Lily to sleep or feeding her or simply telling her stories, John felt content. He was able to pretend everything was as it should be. Then reality would leak in, as it was wont to do, and he would remember how tired he was. His body continued to betray him. John's frustration grew, as did his anger at the world. Everyone tried to convince him it was just a matter of time and for him to be patient.

John had never been a patient man.

He wanted things to go back to the way they had been but too much had changed. He was changed in ways he couldn't quite yet comprehend. But it was more than that. He wasn't the only one who had changed beyond recognition. Rodney had changed as well. He was drifting away from John and from Lily. On some level it hurt John, feeling like a betrayal. But for the most part he didn't have the energy to confront Rodney about it. Or maybe it was that he lacked the courage. John didn't let himself dwell on it. He had other things to deal with.

Elizabeth wanted him to talk to Heightmeyer. This came about after she informed him that she was putting Lorne in command until further notice and John simply shrugged and told her he was fine with that. He knew she was worried about him. He told her to worry about Atlantis and finding out who had fucked them over. And he had used those exact words. Then Elizabeth had asked if he didn't want to catch whoever had bombed Atlantis, killing so many. Killing Dreya. John had smiled and told her that they couldn't bring back the dead so it was a moot point.

Rodney had bitched at him for that and John had almost been glad for it. It felt normal between them for a moment. So John had let him rant away then he'd declared that the only thing he had the energy to focus on was Lily. Rodney had stared at him with something akin to horror, babbling about him becoming apathetic, then he had hurried away and John had felt his insides hollowing out. He felt hollowed out in a way he couldn't explain. He felt empty even when he was holding Lily. Subconsciously John knew that something was wrong with him. Consciously...he didn't much care. Which should have worried him more than it did, because it didn't worry him at all.

Instead he focused all the more on his daughter until Elizabeth radioed him to meet her in his office.

"Why?" John asked, as he gently bounced Lily on his knee just to see her smile at him.

"You'll know when you get here," Elizabeth replied, then she clicked off.

John grimaced and removed his ear piece. It felt foreign to him now. Heaving a sigh, he stood up with Lily cradled in one arm and headed out the door. He made his way to Alicia's room. He knew she was off shift until the afternoon. They had become good friends in the past couple of weeks. She didn't ask anything of him or seem to expect anything and John relished that more than he could say. Knocking on her door, he wasn't surprised when it whoosed open and she stood there smiling at him. "Can I ask a favor?" John queried.

Alicia nodded. "Of course. Come in." She stepped back to allow him inside.

"Can you watch Lily for me?" John asked, taking just a few steps past the door. "Weir wants to see me about something. I don't think it will take long." He hoped it wouldn't.

"Sure, I'll be happy to watch her," Alicia replied, already reaching for Lily. Who went to her with a minimum amount of fussing.

John smiled at them both then leaned in to kiss the top of Lily's head. "Be a good girl, sweetheart," he whispered. "Daddy will be back soon. I owe you one," he then said to Alicia.

She snorted. "You owe me a lot more than one," she teased, then she waved him off. "We'll be fine. We'll do girl stuff."

"I don't think I want to know," John shot back, then he touched Lily's cheek before heading out the door. Five minutes later he strolled into Elizabeth's office, seeing the way her eyes narrowed as they brushed over him. John was pretty sure she was surprised by his attire. He had taken to wearing jeans and long-sleeved tee shirts instead of his uniform. It wasn't as if he were on duty at this point, so he didn't see the need to bother.

"Have a seat, John," Elizabeth invited. She was already seated behind her desk.

John sat down then asked, "What's up?"

Elizabeth folded her hands together, looked him in the eye, then blurted out, "We have a problem."

"Wraith?" John felt his body go tense.

"No. You." Elizabeth's eyes darkened.

John frowned at her, wondering what she was getting at. "I'm a problem? What is that supposed to mean?"

Elizabeth grimaced, rubbed a hand over her face, then sighed. "I'm not handling this well...I'm sorry. Let me start over by saying that I've been in meetings with Dr. Beckett, Dr. Heightmeyer and Rodney about you."

"Why?" John was still tense and he felt his stomach begin coiling into knots. Whatever Elizabeth had to say, he knew he wasn't going to like it.

"You're not getting better John," Elizabeth stated. "You're not healing."

John was stunned. "Like that's my fault? Beckett said it would take me a while to get back my strength."

Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm not talking physically. You're detaching yourself from reality, John. From our reality. You've narrowed your existence down to yourself and Lily and you're creating a little fantasy world. One in which nothing bad happened so you don't have to deal with it."

"Bullshit!" John was so angry he was afraid to say more. Elizabeth didn't know what the hell she was talking about. He was dealing with reality just fine.

"I want you to talk to Heightmeyer, John," Elizabeth countered. "If you don't then we've decided it would be best to send you back home."

John felt as if she had punched him in the gut. "What? Home...as in Earth?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes."

"I see." But he didn't. Still, a part of John screamed at him to go. Go back to earth with Lily where she would be safe. Where he could give her a normal childhood."

"We'll take good care of Lily and maybe the thought of coming back to her will help you focus on your recovery," Elizabeth continued.

John heard her words but they weren't really sinking in. "Whoa...wait a minute." He was on his feet and glaring at her. "What do you mean you'll take care of Lily? She'd go with me!"

Elizabeth shook her head. "No, she wouldn't. SGC wouldn't allow it. She belongs here in the Pegasus galaxy."

"So do I!" John snarled, fingers clenching around the edge of Weir's desk to steady himself as pain suddenly spiked in his temples and his vision started graying out. Distantly he heard Elizabeth calling his name, then John fell into darkness.

THE END...of part 2

yes, that should've been 'desk', eep, good catch!